Shared recreational Interests - how important?

[ambiv123]

Hello,

 

So I've been posting in the Divorce and Separation forum about my ambivalence, and been recommended to read more widely to try and clear my head.

 

In a nutshell: Fell for a girl who shares a mutual interest whom I can be emotionally open with and have a deeper intellectual connection with than my wife. Married 3 years, together over 6 with a young child. I'm sure that's 90% of threads here. Please do read my other post if you'd like to give me some advice (I would honestly appreciate any help).

 

{Commercial URL removed}

 

This basically explains what happened to me. The advice to solve this situation - either give up recreational pursuits you cannot share with your spouse or get divorced. This seems very radical, but also feels very correct. (I am aware I have my head clouded by the other girl, so I don't trust my thinking right now, but I'm trying to think objectively if my marriage is worth fighting for. Also going through the Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay book).

 

"What's more important to you, for you to have a terrific time recreationally or to have a terrific marriage? If having a terrific marriage is more important, all you have to do to achieve it is to make sure that you and your wife have a terrific time together recreationally. But if recreation is more important to you than your marriage, you will find yourself up to your neck in child support, weekend visitations and divorce. What kind of fun is that?"

 

If I'm honest here, my recreational pursuits are my entire passion. The places I go, the things I do, my wife just doesn't really like them. I tried to introduce her to my hobby years ago, and she just felt really uncomfortable and unhappy, so I didn't force her. Now after years of pursuing these interests with friends, primarily male, I bonded with a female friend I met through the hobby. When we had the chance to talk deeply and get to know each other, I discovered we had a lot more in common than just this recreational pursuit, and now I'm in this mess.

 

So here's what I want to ask - how true have people found the above advice in their experience? I'm going to be honest here and say I don't think I want to give up my life passion just to save my marriage, but if the above advice is fundamentally wrong, perhaps this is the wrong thing to think about when deciding if a marriage is worth saving.

 

For example, many people have told me common interests, hobbies and shared deep conversations all fade and are not good predictors of a strong, happy marriage, which seems to directly contradict the above advice.

 

So which is it? I'm terribly confused.

Edited February 22, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[somanymistakes]

IMO you only got the 'all of that fades' response because there are a lot of people who are somewhat anti-divorce and VERY anti-affair. Once there's any mention of an affair going on, even an emotional one, people's sense of the rest of the marriage is thrown right out the window.

 

If you want to see what advice is given without that context you may want to look up other threads where people talk about interests and compatibility.

[road]

No justification to have an affair.

They cheat with you they will cheat on you.

 

Hobbies?

What hobbies?

I don't need to share my stinkin' hobbies.

 

Many a man goes fishing, hunting, underneath their pickup

and don't need no stinkin' wife to hold their hand. Or have

an OW underneath them either.

 

Spending joint recreational time together is good.

You complain that your BW will not do your hobbies.

Yet you will not do hers.

 

So why should she do yours?

 

Nor have you found a new hobby for the both of you to do

together that you both will like.

[Michelle ma Belle]

First, you are indeed clouded by this woman you friended and bonded with whilst enjoying one of your hobbies. Let's not diminish this factoid as it has often been the catalyst for some horrible and sometimes detrimental decisions.

 

Second, I don't buy the story that the only thing wrong in your marriage is that you and your wife don't share common recreational interests. There has to be much much more to this story than just that so please elaborate. There are countless couples that have very different interests but still manage to bond and connect in other areas, more important areas. I think you need to get real about what is really plaguing your marriage. There has to be more to the story.

 

Third, it might help us if you went into more detail about the kinds of recreational activities you enjoy. Are we talking about base jumping around the globe or scrap booking with your buddies in some underground crafting club? Please explain.

 

As for the advice you've been given that common interests, hobbies and shared deep conversations all fade and are not good predictors of a strong, happy marriage, I think that's bullsh*t. Looks fade. Love for one another changes the longer you're together. Interests may shift or morph as you grow together as well as separately.

That is all part of life and very normal in any relationship. Nothing remains exactly as it was the day you met which is not necessarily a bad thing either. Common interests, shared hobbies and especially deep conversations should never fade out completely and if they do it's because you're not working hard enough to keep such things alive.

 

Marriage is work. And it takes BOTH of you to work at it. You don't have to love all the same things or be joined at the hip every moment for you to have a happy and fulfilling marriage. Personally, I think it's actually very important and healthy that couples not only have some shared interests but also separate interests too.

 

The problem I suspect with you is that you're not working hard enough at nurturing the common interests you and your wife have and instead are focusing too much on what you DON'T have together. This other woman certainly isn't helping matters so tread carefully.

[todreaminblue]

Just watched a relationship video about this very thing about having different hobbies and interests and what was said makes perfect sense...there are many marriages are happy marriages not because they share common interests and hobbies but because even if they dont like the interests that their husband or wife has they support those interests and hobbies....

 

does your wife support you in your interests from the sounds of it ..she does...she doesnt stop you does she from exploring your passions...does she buy you gifts associated with your passions...do you support your wife in pursuing her hobbies or interests...or give her time away from the kids to explore her own passions...do you buy her gifts or are you there to root her on when she competes or simply when she makes something awesome( i dont know her hobbies either) it might help if i knew what hobbies you are talking about for both of you ...

 

 

does she attend competitions or events (i dont know what your hobbies involve)..

 

you state you primarily went out with men(which is what mates"male friends" are for ) and explore your passions which is also normal...you dont have to feel passion for the person sharing your hobbies.....you can do hobbies with male friends and be passionate on the same level....you dotn have to feel an attraction for your mates do you? ..and you still have fun....... but you met a woman who likes the same things and are confused....

 

 

what if once you know this woman a bit better you find out she also has hobbies you don't enjoy but she expects you to do them with her.......

 

a strong marriage can exist where a couple feel supported by each other in pursuing different interests in fact ill add motivated to pursue interests that make them happy and passionate.......maybe you need to ponder what hobbies this other woman has that you don't enjoy.....then ponder the fact that she may make you do those hobbies you have little interest in with her if you were to be with her...because she does all your passions........a role reversal of sorts....where you may feel uncomfortable or uninterested...and she may become as unhappy with you and bail on you......

 

 

i truly do believe ...that a strong marriage can be built upon different interests...with commitment first and foremost......add then respect understanding and finally a desire to see the other person happy needs to exist..it does involve a bit of selflessness ..some sacrifice on both parties.... all marriages need this to thrive ...which by the way was the name of the video "selflessness in marriage"

 

i feel that you should really talk to your wife if you don't feel supported in your pursuits and tell her exactly what is going on with you for the sake of your family and your marriage which should be first priority ..outside interests are awesome to have so is finding like minded souls who share your passions...doesnt mean you have to have sex though with someone because you feel passionate about the same things...........maybe make your priority your marriage and your family....... maybe ask your wife how she feels if she feels supported by you...

 

what are your wife's interests and how do you support her now do you do her hobbies with her....?..work on being supportive of each other and communicating more about what you love to do or how you love it when she shows an interest in what you are passionate about......and that passion you find lacking in your marriage and felt for another woman....may go back into your marriage and your wife who truly deserves your attention and all your attraction all your intimate thoughts and passionate intimacy...i hope whatever you choose to do ...stay or go.....is the right thing for you,your wife and your children..best wishes ...deb....

Edited February 22, 2018 by todreaminblue

[ambiv123]

Thank you for the replies.

 

Somany - that's somewhat reassuring to hear. I will check out the threads on interest and compatibility. Any specifics you recommend would be much appreciated!

 

Michelle, Todream - thanks for the replies! In a nutshell, we met and enjoyed outdoors/traveling together for the first couple of years. I've always enjoyed an alternative, niche outdoor pursuit, which I can't really go into details about because it would be too obvious. I guess it's fair to say most people wouldn't really enjoy it. Let's just say mountain climbing (it isn't) and you'll be somewhere in the ballpark as to the specialised nature of the pursuit and risks involved.

 

My interest in this hobby increased over the years to the point it has become my life passion and what I look forward to doing most outside of family life. Unfortunately, the birth of my child did not lessen this drive and I now try hard to keep a balance between family life and personal time/time with friends.

 

My wife and I don't share any time together as a couple except for watching movies or occasionally eating out. The conversations we have are mostly just about day-to-day stuff, again because she can't really enjoy my passion. I'm not really able to have deeper, intellectual conversations with her (think psychology, philosophy). She doesn't really have any hobbies of her own, except for sometimes playing a sport. She's very much a mom, and does a fantastic job of looking after our child, giving me space to pursue my interests and being supportive, although she admits she does so reluctantly and doesn't really want me to do pursue this niche interest. She'll talk about what our child did today and chats she had with other moms at the playgroups. Sex and money, chores etc have always been okay and we work out small differences (mostly it's been me working harder to put in more family time and do an equal share of the housework, which has improved). She's currently a stay-at-home mom but will be returning to work soon when our child starts nursery.

 

So here's the thing - I know marriage takes work and I've always strived to do that, but accidentally falling for this other girl shook me to the core and shattered my illusion that I'd be happy in marriage forever. I'm assuming things will not work out with this other girl and trying to think objectively right now, but I can't un-know things, and I've realized that compartmentalizing relationships is not going to work for me any longer.

 

I want a life partner to pursue my passions with and have that person be number one in my life. I honestly have always thought that was my wife, but I didn't realise the distance growing between us in years of me pursuing my passion with friends. This other girl was the catalyst to wake me up and show me that. If I want to spend time with my friends most of all, I do wonder, what's the point of being together? Or rather, what's the point of sticking to a marriage contract? I don't want to be forever avoiding other girls or even male friends through fear of bonding with them more deeply than my wife and feeling guilty about it.

 

Perhaps I'm placing too much importance on having shared interests. But do I want to give up my life passion to save a marriage..? I doubt it. And I don't find myself wanting to cut my friends out my life so I can focus on building that number one bond with my wife. Can we re-develop enough shared recreational activities on the side to make her number one in my life again..? I really don't know. We've talked and decided to give it a try at least over the next few months. I guess I'll keep soul-searching in the meantime and keep a safe distance from this other girl.

 

I don't know - Am I really wanting too much in having my wife and I enjoy the same central passion..? Has this other girl skewed my thinking unfairly, or has it actually given me clarity (albeit a little too late) in what I really want in a life partner..?

Edited February 22, 2018 by ambiv123

[Els]

This isn't REALLY about shared interests, is it?

 

I personally feel that shared interests has played a part in the strength and longevity of our relationship. But I would never advocate that a man cheat on his wife or leave his wife and young child just because of that.

 

It also sounds like you are very one-track-minded in your "hobby" and you can't seem to enjoy anything other than that one thing? Most people have a decent range of interests and thus are able to find some common ground even with an existing partner. I agree with Michelle that if you put more of your effort/energy into finding common ground with your wife, that may be more beneficial than fantasizing about a person whom you barely even know. Yes, you talk with this other person and you share a hobby... but you've never lived with her or gone through hardship with her or even dated her.

[ambiv123]

Elswyth - thanks for sharing your thoughts.

 

I appreciate that falling for a friend has me in emotional affair territory, but I'm not looking to cheat. I have zero interest in pursuing things for a short term gain and for the time being I'm making an effort to cut down on messages and keep a safe distance until I figure myself out. What I am looking to do, is objectively re-assess what I want out of life and if staying married will bring me happiness in the long run.

 

You're right that I have other hobbies and interests. The wife and I sometimes play video games, and we are going to put more effort into finding more and making more time. I guess I'm doubtful that these little things will be enough to make her the center of my life again. As I said above, I don't want to be forever avoiding other girls or even male friends through fear of bonding with them more deeply than my wife and feeling guilty about it. That doesn't seem like it would make for a happy life.

[Els]

 

You're right that I have other hobbies and interests. The wife and I sometimes play video games, and we are going to put more effort into finding more and making more time. I guess I'm doubtful that these little things will be enough to make her the center of my life again. As I said above, I don't want to be forever avoiding other girls or even male friends through fear of bonding with them more deeply than my wife and feeling guilty about it. That doesn't seem like it would make for a happy life.

 

It took years of you prioritizing your individual hobby over your marriage, to get both of you in the situation that you are in today. It's not going to repair itself overnight. Give it time and have a little patience, IMO.

 

Close male friends should be perfectly fine in your current situation, unless you're bisexual?

[Michelle ma Belle]

Elswyth - thanks for sharing your thoughts.

 

I appreciate that falling for a friend has me in emotional affair territory, but I'm not looking to cheat. I have zero interest in pursuing things for a short term gain and for the time being I'm making an effort to cut down on messages and keep a safe distance until I figure myself out. What I am looking to do, is objectively re-assess what I want out of life and if staying married will bring me happiness in the long run.

 

You're right that I have other hobbies and interests. The wife and I sometimes play video games, and we are going to put more effort into finding more and making more time. I guess I'm doubtful that these little things will be enough to make her the center of my life again. As I said above, I don't want to be forever avoiding other girls or even male friends through fear of bonding with them more deeply than my wife and feeling guilty about it. That doesn't seem like it would make for a happy life.

 

I agree with Elswyth with regards to her comment about you having a one-track mind regarding YOUR hobby.

 

You start off saying all the right things in response to our comments but then you wrap it up by letting us know that you're not willing to give up your hobby or your friends to save your marriage.

 

Which is it?

 

It sounds like you've basically made up your mind; if your wife doesn't figure out how to find the love for the hobby that is your life's passion then there is no use in staying together. That is the take-away from all of this.

 

As for not wanting to feel guilty for spending time with friends that share your hobby and bonding with them, I'm not sure why you would feel that way unless there is more to this than just a few people hanging out. By all accounts, your wife accommodates you and your desires to pursue this hobby of yours. Even reluctantly, she supports you knowing how important it is to you while she holds down the fort. Do you realize how lucky you are in that regard?

 

I understand that having children, especially young children can change things in a marriage. I also know that stay-at-home moms can experience baby-brain after a while where their universe revolves around their children and where deep creative and thoughtful conversations outside of the children become more challenging. I've been there myself so I understand. Men/fathers are much less affected with introduction of children because their lives aren't stuck in first gear like it is for us moms.

 

I think you need to be more patient as well as understanding. You said your wife will be returning to work soon so that may help bring her back to her old self to some extent. I also think you need to change your attitude about things and spend as much time working on your marriage as you do on your hobby.

 

As for this other woman or any other woman in the future who shares your passion, be careful. Meeting someone who has a passion for the same hobby as you isn't any more sustaining than what you have now. It may feel like it you've got something really special with this other woman but it's all smoke and mirrors because you're basically living with one foot in your marriage and one foot out.

 

The grass always appears greener on the other side until you realize it's all the same damn grass, you just gotta spend more time watering your side of the fence.

Edited February 22, 2018 by Michelle ma Belle

[RecentChange]

Alright, here is my take.

 

My husband often points to our DIFFERENT hobbies / passions as a key to our longevity (we are in our late 30's and have been together for 16 years).

 

His is downhill mountain biking / BMX / Motocross. Mine is competitive horse back riding (jumping sports).

 

We are both fairly dedicated to our sports. I spend on average 10 - 15 hours a week riding. Both of us will have occasional "weekends away" to do our thing. Sometimes we go separately (he will go on riding road trip with the guys), I may go to a clinic etc.

 

We also go together and support each other, I run pit crew at his competitions, and he supports me at mine.

 

But it doesn't mean we can't enjoy each other, or that we allow our passions for our sports to ruin our marriage.

 

For one, while I love my horse, and I am crazy about riding - It NEVER, comes before him. I make sure that he knows he is my #1 priority, and if I need to put riding on the back burner to make time for us. I do, without hesitation. And he does the same for me, I never feel like I am second fiddle to his riding - that is critical for our relationship.

 

Doesn't sound like you do the same.....

 

Why does he say it helps our marriage? He says "never let your spouse be your hobby, have your own thing." I think it helps us keep our separate identities, allows us to have a focus and blow off steam away from the home - but still, again, we make us, and home a priority.

 

My other take? We choose to not have children, our dedication to our hobbies was a big part of this choice. There are only so many hours in a day, and if you add a child to it, something has to go....

 

If you have a young child, I think its very selfish to make your hobby your "passion" at this stage in the game. Your passion should be raising your child, loving your wife, creating a secure loving home.

 

I still remember my dad grumbling about selling his motorcycles and his race car when us kids were young. But now he is one of the most bad ass grandpa race car drivers around. Like a great dad should, he set it down for a number of years - but picked it right back up after he was done with his responsibilities raising his children.

 

Personally, I think if you choose to have a kid, time to back burner your hobby (you can still do it, but not be so obsessed)

[ambiv123]

Thank you again for the followup replies. I really appreciate you taking the time.

 

You're right that I'm currently locked into a mindset about wanting to share the core passion. My wife also picked up on this during our talk and I concede it could be clouding my vision. For the time being we've agreed to put more time into shared pursuits to see where that goes for the next few months.

 

That my wife supports me while I pursue my passion - I realize I am fortunate to have someone who gives me that. I continually offer to do the same for her, but she doesn't really have anything she wants to pursue, even before our child. But I must ask - am I really 'lucky'? It seems to me that giving your spouse space to go after their passion is a prerequisite of any healthy relationship. I wouldn't expect anyone to stay with me if I forced them to give up what they love. Is that so rare in relationships..?

 

Recentchange - you said your husband is still #1 despite your different interests. How do you do this? How do you bond and keep a loving connection without shared activities?

 

I'm being honest in that, right now and for a few years now, I just don't feel excited to spend time with my wife. I have little motivation to change this because I know I would feel resentful if I had to give up what I love to do in order to do that. I worry that signals that I don't love her anymore, and that's a terrible thing to do to her.

 

It was a shock to me and sickens me to say it, but I found that having a child and a family did not change me into the ideal family man even though I agree I 'should' put my child before everything else. I thought I would become that person, but denying how I really feel is a non-starter.

 

As I said though, I'm consciously making efforts to ensure my personal time is balanced with family time. I go out one, occasionally two weekends per month, other weekends and weeknights/mornings are family time.

Edited February 23, 2018 by ambiv123

[Eternal Sunshine]

I really don’t get this. I would never seriously date, let alone marry someone where we don’t have similar hobbies and interests (at the very least there has to be a large overlap). Are people that desperate to marry? Sigh ?

[Els]

I really don’t get this. I would never seriously date, let alone marry someone where we don’t have similar hobbies and interests (at the very least there has to be a large overlap). Are people that desperate to marry? Sigh ?

 

But the OP already has. AND they have a child. You can't turn back time - he absolutely owes it to his wife and child to give this a proper shot.

[ambiv123]

EternalSunshine - I guess I can only say that I didn't really consider these things enough, or didn't know myself well enough. We've been together since I was in my mid twenties. I'm still trying to figure out what this means for our marriage and the potential effects on our child.

[basil67]

I really don’t get this. I would never seriously date, let alone marry someone where we don’t have similar hobbies and interests (at the very least there has to be a large overlap). Are people that desperate to marry? Sigh

 

It's only desperate if one is unable to engage in conversations outside of their own interests.

 

I've been with my partner for 25+ years. He loves sport while I love the domestic arts. Yet we still find plenty to talk and laugh about. Not seeing desperation.

Edited February 23, 2018 by basil67

[RecentChange]

How do I keep my husband #1?

 

Because he is important to me. He is a living breathing human who gives me his love and I return the same.

 

Because my partner in life should always come before my "hobby" even though it is a passion of mine, a significant part of my daily life for 30 years. I have never really known life that didn't start every morning with thinking about the schedule for my horse for the day.

 

But my hobby, even though it is a living and breathing one that I have raised up over the last 10 years - comes after my husband, he must always know he is most important.

 

I hope you do that for your child, let [him? her?] (You sure do not talk about them) them know that they are the center of your universe, not your hobby.

 

Hobbies are selfish. I know I do mine for no one but myself - but I have also learned it's pretty vital to my mental health. I get grumpy if I am not riding. Maybe I could fill the gap with lots of hiking combined with other outlets, but it's not the same.

 

Unlike you, I do not desire to share my hobby with anyone. It's my me time. My escape from the daily grind. I don't need my spouse to be included, I prefer that he is not. We have the rest of our lives to share together.

 

Now, we do have common interests, we love going out to concerts, road trips (which we do frequently), we do other things together.

 

A typical weekend, in the morning we both go ride. Meet up in the late afternoon, go grab a bite to eat, then go out on the town in the evening, or maybe take a drive to the coast or something.

 

And again, no kids as they would drastically change our lifestyle. I feel strongly kids need to come first during their formative years in order to become secure and confident people.

Edited February 23, 2018 by RecentChange

[Michelle ma Belle]

It's only desperate if one is unable to engage in conversations outside of their own interests.

 

I've been with my partner for 25+ years. He loves sport while I love the domestic arts. Yet we still find plenty to talk and laugh about. Not seeing desperation.

 

Precisely.

 

Just because a couple may have very different interests doesn't automatically make it a doomed relationship.

 

That's just ridiculous.

 

I think RecentChange provides an exceptional example of how you can have different interests and not only make it work but thrive both individually and as a couple.

 

I think the OP has checked out of his relationship which is why he's having such a hard time finding the balance between family and his passion as well as any interest in spending time with his wife. Anyone committed to their relationship wouldn't see it as one or the other.

 

It's okay to admit you're done and over your wife and your marriage but to paint the picture that it's your differing passions that is the cause isn't being completely honest. Because millions of people find ways to make it work big time.

[ambiv123]

Recentchange - thank you for replying. I can see that you have a healthy balance of shared interests/time with your husband and your own time. That does make a lot of sense for why you're happy and things are working well for you.

 

Michelle - this is precisely the problem. In my heart, as much as I can even know/trust that anymore, it certainly feels like I've checked out. I can't find any other way of describing it. Some thought experiments like 'if my wife were sure to find happiness, would I be okay with ending it' or 'if I could know our child would grow up healthy would I choose a different situation' seem to point in that direction.

 

My posting of this recreational interests thread was because those marriage builder articles perfectly echoed what happened to me, so it seemed likely to be a big factor. But whatever I read and whoever I talk to, I'm told I am headed for doom and gloom in any scenario except where I fix my marriage. I feel my world is imploding.

Edited February 23, 2018 by ambiv123

[Michelle ma Belle]

Recentchange - thank you for replying. I can see that you have a healthy balance of shared interests/time with your husband and your own time. That does make a lot of sense for why you're happy and things are working well for you.

 

Michelle - this is precisely the problem. In my heart, as much as I can even know/trust that anymore, it certainly feels like I've checked out. I can't find any other way of describing it. Some thought experiments like 'if my wife were sure to find happiness, would I be okay with ending it' or 'if I could know our child would grow up healthy would I choose a different situation' seem to point in that direction.

 

My posting of this recreational interests thread was because those marriage builder articles perfectly echoed what happened to me, so it seemed likely to be a big factor. But whatever I read and whoever I talk to, I'm told I am headed for doom and gloom in any scenario except where I fix my marriage. I feel my world is imploding.

 

Again, this has nothing to do with your hobby and everything to do with your marriage.

 

The only question to ask here is, do you love your wife and child enough to want to make your marriage work? And if so, then will you consider seeing a marriage therapist? OR even individual therapy if only to sort out some of your feelings? If not, then I suppose there is no sense in going round and round on this topic.

 

If not, I can promise you that nothing will get better and you'll only grow more resentful and more distant in your marriage which will ultimately make you vulnerable to outside temptations. And I can also promise you that that won't make life easier or happier for your wife and child.

[ambiv123]

Michelle, I think I've realised that I'm going to need to visit a therapist, if only to see if it can help. Maybe marriage counseling after that. I'd hoped talking on these forums and with my best (male) friend would help, but I had a minor breakdown today. I haven't cried like that in years. Thank you for your help.

Edited February 23, 2018 by ambiv123