Hmm is this normal

[ronap]

I'm always thinking if my current relationship is right for me.

 

Quick summary, married for 7 years and got 2 x boys 5 and 3 and in my early 40's.

 

So as usual sex life isnt great since the wife isnt really fuse and almost stressed most days with work and the kids.

 

Her wind down time is drinking a glass of wine while watching TV.

 

So my sex drive is probably super high as in a daily requirement which almost I fix myself.

 

Receiving any oral sex doesn't exist and never has in our relationship however she is happy to receive oral from me, there is an issue with contraception since she refuses to try the normal pill/IUD route so its left for me to deal with, sometimes I wish this was better since I'm kind of missing out and dont fancy the snip either. She doesnt see getting physical as a bonding exercise.

 

Then there is the case of money, she has alot more money in savings than me. However I earn more money in my job so expects me to pay for extra stuff like the kids school fees, car loan, etc so ultimately I never get to save. Her financial stuff is pretty private and likes to make note she put a large deposit on our house compared to me.

 

Perhaps this is utopia but it kind of stucks sometimes, agree I have my own faults if you were going to ask the wife but the issue with the sex and money does piss me off sometimes.

[somanymistakes]

Rather than asking us, have you talked to her?

 

If you're having trouble talking to her, have you considered getting a counselor to help?

 

Your problems are not huge and weird, but they are problems and you will be happier if you can get them smoothed out.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Congratulations! You've highlighted the top two issues that break up marriages!

 

I agree with somanymistakes. Have you tried having this conversation with your wife? If not, do it already. That's your number one priority.

 

If I had a crystal ball, the likelihood she will be eager or even cooperative in discussing the topic of sex and money is pretty slim so be prepared. That being said, if it's something that is important to YOU than you must let her know that it's not something that can be ignored or swept under the rug any longer.

 

Speaking from my own experience, being with a partner who felt more like the gatekeeper to my life than anything else, you won't be able to 'fix' much without seeing a therapist. If she won't agree to seeing a marriage counselor then perhaps the writing is on the wall about where your marriage is heading. If she opts out then I would strongly encourage that YOU go and talk to someone if only to check yourself and help you find ways to cope or manage your feelings and frustrations in your relationship.

 

A word of warning - when you work on yourself, particularly at the hands of a professional, you may outgrow your partner for better or worse. That's something you will need to consider moving in this direction.

 

As I've said a million times on here, nothing will work or get better in your marriage if you're not BOTH actively working at it all the time. That means being brutally honest about things and willing to compromise in order to put your partner's needs and wants ahead of your own and vice versa.

 

Good luck.

Edited February 22, 2018 by Michelle ma Belle

[ronap]

Thanks Michelle ma Belle.

 

We did actually see a marriage counsellor several months ago when I suggested it since we hit a bad spot.

 

Basically the marriage counsellor sided with my wife in the first session but later the second session was more trying to get my wife to change. We kind of both agreed the marriage counsellor wasnt that good and did swap a few roles during a week trial and I did make a few changes to help with daily routines, its bit of a roller coaster ride at the moment in the relationship depending on her mood.

 

Ultimately the kids cause a fair bit of stress especially the younger one plus with limited family support doesnt help matters.

 

Trying to discuss the money issue would be a wasted breath to be honest and I do think she's probably getting more financially since I'm probably too generous buying stuff for the family, etc, I did notice her pension fund lists her sister as 100% so that speaks volume.

 

Sex probably sucks as such and there are other marriages with zero, I'm more of a physical type person than mental so need that connection.

 

Funny thing is its our wedding anniversary next week and sometimes I think maybe this is the last card I'll be writing, think I had that thought last year as well.

 

The other part of me things how messy this could end especially with the kids and how she would react with any settlement maybe thats not worth it especially for my health and mind.

[preraph]

The sex part, in my opinion, isn't anything you can negotiate. I mean, a person has their own sex drive and also level of attraction to their mate, and pushing it, to me, is just not ethical. At the same time, I see why it bugs a man. But it is what it is. There's a lot of mismatched partnerships. There has to be something worth staying for besides the sex. You have to enjoy the other person's company besides just in bed, and if you don't, why put yourself through the financial stuff if it's just not worth it. I mean, I've been in a relationship where I wasn't really romantically attracted to the guy. I still had sex and sometimes initiated it, but I didn't feel passionate and was no doubt not a ball of fire with him. But we did always have things to keep the conversation going and a general mutual interest in music. There has to be more than just sex.