Fair Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 In search of clarity. I lost a couple family members last year and have been having a hard time of it. No one reached out to me for the longest time, but now... My ex-brother in law has been contacting me on FB. Offering to help me if I need it, giving me his phone number, wanting to come for coffee, wanting to take me for drives... This feels very odd. He married my sister when they were quite young and I, who am significantly younger than my sister as the youngest in the family, was only in kindergarten at the time. They were married for 20 plus years, had 5 kids, and now have been divorced for at least another 20. We live close to each other but I haven't seen him in forever except on FB where he's on my friends list. I feel like he's chasing me. I tell myself he's just being nice because I lost two family members and have no one left anymore because of family dysfunction. But... it feels weird. He's single and living alone... I can't help but wonder... This began shortly after I lost dad at the end of May of last year, but he's been getting increasingly persistent in messaging me trying to secure a time to get together. What do you think of this? Is he just being kind or does he want something more? Not sure how to frame this or how to respond to this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
normal person Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 There's no way anyone here can read his mind, especially without knowing him or having a better understanding of his history, the circumstances, etc. You'll just have to use your best judgment. Best of luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 Is your sister still living where you can ask her what he might be up to? I would just say usually assume a man is interested romantically, and you certainly can't go there if he was once your sister's. Ask her and she'll know if he's flirting or not. But just tell him you don't feel it would be appropriate to see him if that's your best instinct. He probably is hitting on you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fair Posted February 23, 2018 Author Share Posted February 23, 2018 Is your sister still living where you can ask her what he might be up to? I would just say usually assume a man is interested romantically, and you certainly can't go there if he was once your sister's. Ask her and she'll know if he's flirting or not. But just tell him you don't feel it would be appropriate to see him if that's your best instinct. He probably is hitting on you. My sister and I don't talk. She's a narcissistic, abusive person. Hates me for being alive. That's why I have no one now since my parents both passed away and I lost the only sister I had a relationship with. That's what makes this all the more unnerving. Surely he knows it would cause WWIII if he and I were seen around this small town together, not because my sister should care... she's married again and has been for years... but she's turned her kids against me as well... they would all be up in arms if I were to date him. I have no romantic interest in him at all, but can't help but wonder what he's up to. Surely he'd be aware of the consequences. I mean, of all women, why does he want ME?? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
normal person Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 I have no romantic interest in him at all, but can't help but wonder what he's up to. If you have nothing to gain by obliging him for whatever he wants, why not just ignore him or decline? If it sounds like trouble and the only outcome is negative, why not just avoid it entirely? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 Imo, he wants something more. You sense he's chasing you so he probably is. Also, his continuing to try to connect with you is a sign of personal interest in you. Has he told you of any reason he wants to meet with you? In your place, I'd need to have a pretty good reason to meet up with him. Btw, I'm so sorry about the loss of your family and also that your sister is a narcissist. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 I would just ask straight up if there's a specific reason he wants to see you. It seems odd that he'd be romantically interested in you all of a sudden after such a long time. You say your sister is unpleasant, perhaps it's something to do with her that he wants to speak to you about. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 My sister and I don't talk. She's a narcissistic, abusive person. Hates me for being alive. That's why I have no one now since my parents both passed away and I lost the only sister I had a relationship with. That's what makes this all the more unnerving. Surely he knows it would cause WWIII if he and I were seen around this small town together, not because my sister should care... she's married again and has been for years... but she's turned her kids against me as well... they would all be up in arms if I were to date him. I have no romantic interest in him at all, but can't help but wonder what he's up to. Surely he'd be aware of the consequences. I mean, of all women, why does he want ME?? Well that actually makes it a lot easier. Your sisters probably pissed you even have each other on social media. You don't get along with your sister and I assumed don't want interaction with her so you certainly don't want it with her ex. He probably sees you as someone who will sympathize with him because he knows you don't get along with the sister. He might even be trying to use you to get back at her some way. My best advice is very simple, and that is to tell him you don't want to have any more ties to your sister or anyone who was in her life. If you want just say no I don't want to get in the middle, don't want to get involved, don't like to think about it. You might ought to get him off your social media. You wouldn't have to do it right this minute but maybe see how this news sits for a couple of months and then quietly get off his social media and block him from yours or at least from the bulk of it where he can have any info about you . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fair Posted February 23, 2018 Author Share Posted February 23, 2018 I would just ask straight up if there's a specific reason he wants to see you. It seems odd that he'd be romantically interested in you all of a sudden after such a long time. You say your sister is unpleasant, perhaps it's something to do with her that he wants to speak to you about. This thought has crossed my mind as well. I'm really torn as to what to do. Meet him once for coffee I guess, and find out. ? His sister and I are the same age and when we were young we were buddies. Went to school together and were in the same grade. We're still friends, the friendship rekindled just recently.... I've met with her on a couple of occasions and she filled me in on what my sister did to her when I was living away... it was a full scale attack to try to ruin her self esteem and reputation... tried to make her think the whole town was against her. I was horrified but not surprised. I can't help but wonder if there's still more to the story and maybe he wants to tell me or warn me about something... perhaps something is going on behind my back that concerns me this time that I don't know about... I really don't know. I guess I should just ask him. Just don't know how to word it so it doesn't come out sounding suspicious or rejecting just in case he really is just trying to be kind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fair Posted February 23, 2018 Author Share Posted February 23, 2018 Well that actually makes it a lot easier. Your sisters probably pissed you even have each other on social media. You don't get along with your sister and I assumed don't want interaction with her so you certainly don't want it with her ex. He probably sees you as someone who will sympathize with him because he knows you don't get along with the sister. He might even be trying to use you to get back at her some way. My best advice is very simple, and that is to tell him you don't want to have any more ties to your sister or anyone who was in her life. If you want just say no I don't want to get in the middle, don't want to get involved, don't like to think about it. You might ought to get him off your social media. You wouldn't have to do it right this minute but maybe see how this news sits for a couple of months and then quietly get off his social media and block him from yours or at least from the bulk of it where he can have any info about you . I do want to keep ties with his sister... she went through hell with what my sister did to her and so we both have suffered at her hands, and the hands of her kids. And I've missed this friend. We were good friends for a long time and practically grew up together and she's still proving to be the same person I once knew. Considering how she feels about my sister herself I know she'd never betray me to her. As for social media... my sister has never been on FB. Her kids are, but none of them are on my FB and I have them all blocked. My life is very lonely right now and I have so few people who have reached out to me. If I make assumptions I might lose some much needed support. I doubt he talks much to my sister as she has another husband and their marriage ended on bad terms although, I don't think he's bitter about it. I just don't know what to think. All I know is, it's easy to overthink this and start scaring myself with all sorts of possible scenarios. But it bothers me that he's not worried about stirring the pot when there's been so much bad blood already between me and my sister and her and his kids. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 Well, your recently reconnecting and being friends with his sister certainly casts a new light on this for me. Would it be comfortable to ask him to meet with you and his sister both. Or maybe ask him if it's something the two of you can talk about on the phone? And then just have one conversation, guarding against it developing into more? Seems to me one convo with him isn't concerning. I would just be cautious against developing an ongoing friendship with a man that much older than you are at your age. Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 This thought has crossed my mind as well. I'm really torn as to what to do. Meet him once for coffee I guess, and find out. ? I really don't know. I guess I should just ask him. Just don't know how to word it so it doesn't come out sounding suspicious or rejecting just in case he really is just trying to be kind. Sounds like a good idea. It can't hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
FilterCoffee Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 I’m sorry for your losses Fair. It’s sad no one reached out to you but at least you know now who your real friends are. I can understand why you’d be tempted to see him and seek some comfort but this can only cause drama and I would keep some distance if I were you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Yosemite Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 He probably wants to hurt his ex (your sister) by getting with her much younger sister (you.) Or he wants the drama of two women fighting because of him. Or he thinks that you are emotionally vulnerable right now because of the deaths in your family and thinks that you may be more willing to sleep with him or give him money or something because of loneliness. Just avoid him is my advice. Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 I would also ask straight up (in a matter-of-fact, non-confrontational way if you can) why he's getting in touch now. Your spidey senses are tingling so regardless of his intentions, proceed with caution. I hope things look up for you, Fair, and you manage to surround yourself with kind, caring friends ((hugs)) Link to post Share on other sites
MrsSimpf Posted February 26, 2018 Share Posted February 26, 2018 I'm sorry for your losses--Death of loved ones is especially hard when it's more than one so close together without time to grieve one before another passes. As you describe your interaction with him, it may be that he's interested in seeing where a relationship should go. I'd suggest use your best judgement but be protective of yourself as a priority after experiencing so much loss. Link to post Share on other sites
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