Taking Too Much Time To Reply

[littleblackheart]

Hi All

 

I was reading random threads and noticed the timescale with which someone replies back to a message seems to be creating some level of anguish in dating scenarios, so thatvmade me wonder:

 

Are you generally expecting replies within a specific timeframe for all your interactions, and do you judge people a certain way when they don't reply within that time? Not talking dating or work, just general catch up with family or friends.

 

I'm not a great replier myself; people around me know it's not down to poor interest (I also don't mind how long replies to my own messages take) but wondered how this would affect others?

[CptInsano]

I'm not a great replier myself; people around me know it's not down to poor interest (I also don't mind how long replies to my own messages take) but wondered how this would affect others?

 

There are different scenarios, but if you are talking about the frequency within an established relationship I don't need a lot of texting. A well-crafted email would mean more to me. But I'm generally a fairly trusting person and don't need a whole lot of affirmation.

 

It's different during early dating, as you don't know where you stand with the other person.

Edited February 22, 2018 by CptInsano

[littleblackheart]

There are different scenarios, but if you are talking about the frequency within an established relationship I don't need a lot of texting. A well-crafted email would mean more to me. But I'm generally a fairly trusting person and don't need a whole lot of affirmation.

 

It's different during early dating, as you don't know where you stand with the other person.

 

Thanks. I was thinking more about establishing friendships (I don't date!) but I suppose it works the same way?

[CptInsano]

Thanks. I was thinking more about establishing friendships (I don't date!) but I suppose it works the same way?

 

That's a tricky one. For guys, most commonly it's not. We don't message each other all that much, and if so it's usually something related to a common interest.

 

From what I've observed women seem to text their friends a whole lot more, but I'm the wrong person to opine on that.

[Better]

It's also situationally dependent. My GF and I both regularly work in places where we can't carry our phones or have access to the outside world for hours at a time. She and I can handle that because we both are in it and understand the situation. My ex-GF couldn't grasp the concept and it always made her anxious when I wouldn't reply to a text for 5+ hours.

[Gaeta]

Some people aren't good at texting, once you know that you call them.

 

My BF doesn't text. I can text him all sorts of things he will not reply. Last time he text me was July 2016. All of our communication is done by phone calls. It's a good thing when we met I didn't judge him on his text reply delay.

[PrincessPeach]

The more I like/love someone, the more I am anxious about getting a quicker reply. The reality is that I hope they like me as much as I like them and a quick response make me feel all warm and fuzzy. If they don't respond quickly, then doubt starts to creep in... maybe they aren't much into me, maybe something happened, don't they know I'm in agony here! I try not to put too much stock into that voice in my head, but it's there anyway.

 

If it's someone I don't feel super close with, I don't really care much how long it takes or if they respond, and I tend not to think about it at all after sending the message.

[carhill]

Thanks. I was thinking more about establishing friendships (I don't date!) but I suppose it works the same way?

I wouldn't have expectations regarding friend's reply times or content. That was something I had to learn over the decades, but was pretty embedded by the time I hit my mid-30's. I do what I do because I want to and the rest is life. Some associations work out over time and become more bonded and others don't. Imagine an exponential less expectation than one would have for dating, if any. People I've run into who are demanding of their friends get a rep as 'high maintenance' and are prone to busy signals. I review this every year at Christmas, being one of the few people in my social circle that still sends out handwritten cards at Christmas. If I feel the association has be positive, they get a card. If not, zippo. No expectations either way.

[littleblackheart]

Thanks for the replies. I prefer using texts for factual things (arrange date and time for meet up, usually no more than a couple of lines) as I find texting quite awkward (I don't know what to say, usually).

 

I prefer the phone too, Gaeta - maybe that's a French thing? (I think I read somewhere your partner was French?).

 

I assume friends would say if my not replying promptly was an issue? Not that it would make a difference but I wondered whether that was one of those 'hidden rules' that get you struck off the friends' list if you don't appear to show suitable interest in a reasonable amount of time?

[littleblackheart]

The more I like/love someone, the more I am anxious about getting a quicker reply. The reality is that I hope they like me as much as I like them and a quick response make me feel all warm and fuzzy. If they don't respond quickly, then doubt starts to creep in... maybe they aren't much into me, maybe something happened, don't they know I'm in agony here! I try not to put too much stock into that voice in my head, but it's there anyway..

 

 

I wouldn't want a friend to worry I don't consider their friendship important, but if they're like me, it's because texting and such are not their favourite means of communication so please don't read too much into it!

[thefooloftheyear]

I guess it also depends on age...

 

Someone under the age of 30 may as well have their phone surgically attached to their body, as they never seem to put it down...

 

People a bit older vary....In my age range most women are heavy phone users, guys it depends...I don't keep my phone on me while I am working, Ill just check it periodically and don't take it with me if i am driving, shopping, at the gym, or just about anything else i happen to be doing...I go periods of many hours without looking at it..

 

So no one gets a prompt reply, unless they happen to text when I am in the process of checking...If it bothered someone, I guess they'd have to deal with it..If I really need to be reached, its not like I can't be..

 

.I wouldn't see changing my behavior at this point..

 

TFY

[littleblackheart]

I guess it also depends on age...

 

Someone under the age of 30 may as well have their phone surgically attached to their body, as they never seem to put it down...

 

People a bit older vary....In my age range most women are heavy phone users, guys it depends...I don't keep my phone on me while I am working, Ill just check it periodically and don't take it with me if i am driving, shopping, at the gym, or just about anything else i happen to be doing...I go periods of many hours without looking at it..

 

So no one gets a prompt reply, unless they happen to text when I am in the process of checking...If it bothered someone, I guess they'd have to deal with it..If I really need to be reached, its not like I can't be..

 

.I wouldn't see changing my behavior at this point..

 

TFY

 

I wouldn't change my behaviour either! It's more about reflecting on friendships in the past not taking off because I'd probably appear aloof or uncaring. That's not who I am but it takes a long time for me to warm to someone new. I have no regrets and I'm more aware now but that explains things from the past that never quite made sense to me.

[Cookiesandough]

Some people aren't good at texting, once you know that you call them.

 

My BF doesn't text. I can text him all sorts of things he will not reply. Last time he text me was July 2016. All of our communication is done by phone calls. It's a good thing when we met I didn't judge him on his text reply delay.

 

You are quite lucky

[Cookiesandough]

Guys have nagged me for my slow replies, got low key mad at me. E.g. I went 24 hours without responding once then he got quiet and said, “lol why do you do that? We get a conversation going and you just ghost. It’s really fishy.” I said, “ I just didn’t see my phone” and then blocked him. It’s not a going conversation imo. These are mostly weirdos I met from OLD though

 

Young people are all about that kind of communication. All this snapping and stuff. I really don’t even know what opening a snap entails and I never want to.

 

I don’t expect texts back right away at all but they usually are right away.. I met this (young) dr at an acquaintance party. He worked nights and text me all night...like literally nonstop. Nurses werent allowed to text during work, even at nurse station (but they did need their phones), however I think a lot of hospitals are letting up on that?

 

There are some jobs where you can’t be on the phone. But increasingly, yes, you’re in an office-like setting d**king around on your phone so texting is available. A lot of jobs you NEED a cell

 

I

Hate

Texting

 

And email and phone. I like face-to-face communication. Except message boards

[littleblackheart]

Guys have nagged me for my slow replies, got low key mad at me. E.g. I went 24 hours without responding once then he got quiet and said, “lol why do you do that? We get a conversation going and you just ghost. It’s really fishy.” I said, “ I just didn’t see my phone” and then blocked him. It’s not a going conversation imo. These are mostly weirdos I met from OLD though

 

Young people are all about that kind of communication. All this snapping and stuff. I really don’t even know what opening a snap entails and I never want to.

 

I don’t expect texts back right away at all but they usually are right away.. I met this (young) dr at an acquaintance party. He worked nights and text me all night...like literally nonstop. Nurses werent allowed to text during work, even at nurse station (but they did need their phones), however I think a lot of hospitals are letting up on that?

 

There are some jobs where you can’t be on the phone. But increasingly, yes, you’re in an office-like setting d**king around on your phone so texting is available. A lot of jobs you NEED a cell

 

I

Hate

Texting

 

And email and phone. I like face-to-face communication. Except message boards

 

Haha I feel the same way you do Cookies!, although I do like the phone a lot (I'm older than you are though, so that may explain it).

 

Apparently there's such a thing as nomophobia (no more mobile phone phobia) which can lead hospitalisation because of mobile phone withdrawl symptoms - insane...

 

Yes, the young ones are a pain with it - they can't even part with it in class during lectures. So, so rude.

Edited February 22, 2018 by littleblackheart

[Michelle ma Belle]

If you know you're not a good texter then letting your family and friends (old or new) know in advance should prevent any misunderstandings.

 

I tend to reply promptly and will say that I'm as good at texting as I am on the phone but that's me. Not everyone is the same and knowing how some people are helps me to not take offense if they're not responding the same way I would, and that includes men I'm romantically interested in.

 

I'm in a similar type of relationship as Gaeta where my partner is horrible with straight up texting yet awesome at communicating in general via phone, Facetime and/or face to face. The lack of texting doesn't bother me at all because I know this to be who he is.

 

As always, it's about communication.

Edited February 22, 2018 by Michelle ma Belle

[Imajerk17]

Hi All

 

I was reading random threads and noticed the timescale with which someone replies back to a message seems to be creating some level of anguish in dating scenarios, so thatvmade me wonder:

 

Are you generally expecting replies within a specific timeframe for all your interactions, and do you judge people a certain way when they don't reply within that time? Not talking dating or work, just general catch up with family or friends.

 

I'm not a great replier myself; people around me know it's not down to poor interest (I also don't mind how long replies to my own messages take) but wondered how this would affect others?

 

Well, keep in mind this: I do think that forums such as these, have an over-representation of those with anxious attachment styles. I'd wager that those with more secure attachment styles--who are less likely to be thrown by a delayed text response from someone--are less likely to seek a forum such as this out and ask for interpersonal relationship advice.

 

This may explain all these threads where the OP is stressing about his/her date's delayed response.

Edited February 22, 2018 by Imajerk17

[Gaeta]

Thanks for the replies. I prefer using texts for factual things (arrange date and time for meet up, usually no more than a couple of lines) as I find texting quite awkward (I don't know what to say, usually).

Maybe it's a generation thing, BF is 50 and I am 52. I have no problem living without texting.

 

I prefer the phone too, Gaeta - maybe that's a French thing? (I think I read somewhere your partner was French?).

Yes BF is from France and in my country since 2015. Are you French?

 

I assume friends would say if my not replying promptly was an issue? Not that it would make a difference but I wondered whether that was one of those 'hidden rules' that get you struck off the friends' list if you don't appear to show suitable interest in a reasonable amount of time?

I am not aware of rules among friends. Some of my friends will reply to my text the following day and it's fine with me. If it was an emergency I would use another mean to reach them.

[littleblackheart]

Well, keep in mind this: I do think that forums such as these, have an over-representation of those with anxious attachment styles. I'd wager that those with more secure attachment styles--who are less likely to be thrown by a delayed text response from someone--are less likely to seek a forum such as this out and ask for interpersonal relationship advice.

 

This may explain all these threads where the OP is stressing about his/her date's delayed response.

 

Fair point. I'm mainly here for the occasional spot of ASD advocacy and the political threads these days, but I'm not above learning a new thing about social interactions - looking back and with the benefit of hindsigh and reading those threads on LS, I realise I may have unintentionally acted a bit too detached with past friends maybe so it may not all be anxiousness on the the parts of these posters.

 

 

Maybe it's a generation thing, BF is 50 and I am 52. I have no problem living without texting.

 

Same. I'm 43, and I've always been like that. I find it tedious. I also don't understand why some people (middle-aged, even those you don't know well) insist on ending their texts with a x (or 3). Weird.

 

Are you French?

 

Et oui! There are a couple of us on here, I think.