Ways to avoid disappointment?

[girlinNYC]

I have learnt that in a relationship sense I’m a one extreme or the other kind of person. Whereby I will either flat out not like someone and nothing will change my mind, or if I have that immediate spark I tend to fall easily. I like to see the good in people, call me naive as in adulthood you know that not everyone will have your best interests in mind, but I find I live a happier life when I am not cynical about people - hence why when I like someone, I will like them a lot.

 

What are some strategies I can implement in order to prevent future disappointment, if say a guy I like let’s me down or it doesn’t work out for whatever reason? I have had a hard week re dissapointment, although feeling better now, I want to avoid feeling it of that depth in future because it was emotionally debilitating.

 

How does one rein in expectations early on, without being cynical?

[Grey40]

Just because you’ve been that way before doesn’t mean you can’t change yourself. Basically you have to take things slower and be more realistic about outcomes. Never expect something to work out the way you want—because it never does. No matter how much you think, wish and hope, whatever you think is never going to happen. It’s either going to be a lot better or a lot worse than what you anticipate. And even if it turns out like you think it will, it’s still never the reasoning you had in mind. So I think it’s best not to anticipate at all. Try to learn to go with the flow and enjoy each moment more.

 

Getting let down is not something you can control. Once you realize that, you will live much happier even during times of hurt and rejection.

[amaysngrace]

Don't give too much of yourself away without getting something back, meaning don't becaome too invested too suddenly.

 

If you keep meeting their needs while they aren't meeting yours you'll be completely depleted when it ends. Strive for a more balanced relationship when it comes to give and take.

[Gaeta]

One way is to give yourself some guidelines and to follow them to a T.

 

Sure you can feel butterflies and sparks but it doesn't mean you have to jump the gun and burn the candle by both ends.

 

* Avoid seeing him too often at first. Two times a week is plenty

* Avoid speaking to him too often during a day and skip a day here and there.

* Stop yoursel from daydreaming of your wedding day

* Don't talk about him to all your friends and family untill a couple of months

 

The reasons why you get attached to fast is probably because you make him the center of your world right away. Stop doing that. You are allowed to think about him 24 hours a day but control yourself and date him step by step.

[Cookiesandough]

Find out why you’re getting invested so quickly. Are you desperate? Are you idealizing? You don’t know these guys are even right for you right away and if they disappoint you it turns out they’re not

[Space Ritual]

I have learnt that in a relationship sense I’m a one extreme or the other kind of person. Whereby I will either flat out not like someone and nothing will change my mind, or if I have that immediate spark I tend to fall easily. I like to see the good in people, call me naive as in adulthood you know that not everyone will have your best interests in mind, but I find I live a happier life when I am not cynical about people - hence why when I like someone, I will like them a lot.

 

What are some strategies I can implement in order to prevent future disappointment, if say a guy I like let’s me down or it doesn’t work out for whatever reason? I have had a hard week re dissapointment, although feeling better now, I want to avoid feeling it of that depth in future because it was emotionally debilitating.

 

How does one rein in expectations early on, without being cynical?

 

Interesting question...very interesting in fact,

 

As far as reining the expectations in? Difficult to do, but not impossible.

 

A few posts of this type have come up lately here in the wake of Valentines day,,,also known as "The Day Most of Us Have Totally Unrealistic Expectations of our Partner or Spouse".

 

I admit my Cynicism Gauge Redlines regularly...but after all the bad stuff that happened to me during my engagement i really never wanted to risk giving my heart and soul to anyone ever again. At first that was my intent. I have pretty much adopted the idea of Dating for Sport. Since I never wanted to have my heart shattered ever again I went into the scene with that mindset.

 

 

Initially I thought that my aversion to relationships was only temporary. I really thought I would come around to a relationship sooner or later.

 

I didn't

 

And I'm glad I didn't

 

Because I learned it was truly the guy I am now. There really is no 100 percent guarantee that anyone on the scene won't emerge without a touch of Cynicism.

 

I temper it by letting go of the outcome.

 

I've said it before and I'll say it again...There will always be some guy to come along that is younger, better looking, has more money and an even bigger dick. Such is life. Ride the Lightning for all it's worth and bow out when it's time. When you have enough of these experiences in life, you just know when it's time to get a itch scratched by different Scratcher. Thank them for the fun, exit gracefully and move onto the next one.

 

Detached? Sure

Cold Hearted? Hell yes.

 

But my heart has not been broken in 30 years. That's enough for me to keep doing it.

There are many things that hurt us in life, but there is a very unique and special pain to total heartbreak. One I never want to feel again.

[Maggie4]

What do you mean by letting you down and not having your best interest at heart? Do you mean not liking you back? It's not wrong to not reciprocate your feelings. I think it is ok to fall for someone, as long as you don't set out to capture and possess that person. The person has free will, and if you care for him, you want him to choose freely. He may choose you, or he may choose another that makes him happier. You would be disappointed but from a higher vantage point, you can see that it is right.

[preraph]

I was more or less that way too. It didn't always make sense why I fell so hard. I did have things in common with them though. Our lives were centered around the same thing, so looking back, I did know quite a lot going in because we had so much in common as far as lifestyle.

 

But where I'm illogical is hanging in there after they've proven to be lukewarm or done things that should be dealbreakers, and I just never thought in those terms. I didn't have much in the way of requirements except that I thought they were cool. So I didn't require much from them, and perhaps I should have had higher standards in that regard. I mean, once I got good and mad, I did react some way, but it never should have gotten that far.

 

So I can just recommend you sit down and make a list of things you should get from a man, and first at the top of the list should be "He likes me as much as I like him and in the same type of way." Other things might be "He doesn't stand me up or keep me waiting" or "He will talk about things when necessary." Just for examples. Plus obvious stuff like "has a job."

 

Then you make a list of things you should not accept in the way of behavior. Some of these will be the opposite of the requirements above. Others might be "Not stay if he belittles me," "not keep it going if he talks about how much he likes other women who aren't me," and obvious stuff like "mooches off me" and "never asks me on a real date."

 

So just sit down and make a list and then maybe have a friend look at it and talk about anything you've overlooked.

 

Then review that list as you get to know someone and try not to get emotionally invested until you know he's worth it and likes you back.

[girlinNYC]

Find out why you’re getting invested so quickly. Are you desperate? Are you idealizing? You don’t know these guys are even right for you right away and if they disappoint you it turns out they’re not

 

Not desperate at all, I take a hiatus from guys often. Definitely idealizing is what gets me, if someone makes a good impression on me from the get go I tend to see the best in them, and want to believe they are genuine which convinces me they are even if in reality they aren’t.

The guy I’m currently ‘involved’ with has been the first in a year, we made an instant connection and he would make contact daily (not that I expected it every day) but it gave me a strong indicator he was serious, I had never had someone put in so much effort without being sleazy so it made me think it could potentially be the real deal, even though this past week communication has lessened. That’s the idealizing that has put me in a hard situation.

[todreaminblue]

Not desperate at all, I take a hiatus from guys often. Definitely idealizing is what gets me, if someone makes a good impression on me from the get go I tend to see the best in them, and want to believe they are genuine which convinces me they are even if in reality they aren’t.

The guy I’m currently ‘involved’ with has been the first in a year, we made an instant connection and he would make contact daily (not that I expected it every day) but it gave me a strong indicator he was serious, I had never had someone put in so much effort without being sleazy so it made me think it could potentially be the real deal, even though this past week communication has lessened. That’s the idealizing that has put me in a hard situation.

 

 

i don't know if that is idealizing what you have described because you wrote this

made me think it could potentially be the real deal

meaning your relationship and not the guy.....because you dont say him you say it...assuming you do mean the relationship and you arent calling him it....which would not be ideal if you were....

 

anyways i am an idealist ...but with that ideal i also know the real fact that no one is perfect and neither is any ones relationship on earth with each other because we are all flawed.....communication does die down after a while..and i don't know if its ideal to be constantly talking ...i would think not....i think its ideal when you can handle the silence and feel secure in that silence....and that's what i work towards.....its a matter of trust and faith....believing in things that you cant necessarily see or hear ...i let guys contact me when they want to ...i let them choose....i have intuition anyway to keep me sane.....i only get worried if i know for a fact they aren't doing well or struggling and then i will contact them just to say hey how are you want to catch up soon... or i get feelings about them.ill follow those feelings and contact......i am normally right...my mother in law used to tell me deb everytime you ring me i am thinking about you ...i said nah you're just being nice to me....and she said no its true deb ....

 

you have to learn to trust people ....its not about idealism...try nto to think about the worst case scenario.....and really believe that they are nice as you feel they are.....trust your feelings and keep your heart in check.....by being more relaxed and open...if they dont contact you busy yourself doing things you love to do spend that time with people who do love you and dont worry about him ..think of all the good things he does not that eh is alate in ringing or texting you.....

 

 

..i do know that communication can feel like a chore if you feel you have too do it at a certain time on the hour or else the other person feels insecure........instead of wanting to communicate it feels like...a chore and can become repetitive......that's why i prefer to let guys choose when to contact me...and mostly...its on a daily basis....if i wanted to see them .....i would simply ring and ask to see them..communication doesnt have to be a mine field...of doubt and insecurity.....all it really has to be is honest and mutually wanted communication....to be ideal...there no timing rules....its different for every couple and you will find what suits you and him if you are patient and honest...and give it a chance to grow into what suits you both...i wish you well...deb....

Edited February 23, 2018 by todreaminblue

[girlinNYC]

i don't know if that is idealizing what you have described because you wrote this meaning your relationship and not the guy.....because you dont say him you say it...assuming you do mean the relationship and you arent calling him it....which would not be ideal if you were....

 

anyways i am an idealist ...but with that ideal i also know the real fact that no one is perfect and neither is any ones relationship on earth with each other because we are all flawed.....communication does die down after a while..and i don't know if its ideal to be constantly talking ...i would think not....i think its ideal when you can handle the silence and feel secure in that silence....and that's what i work towards.....its a matter of trust and faith....believing in things that you cant necessarily see or hear ...i let guys contact me when they want to ...i let them choose....i have intuition anyway to keep me sane.....i only get worried if i know for a fact they aren't doing well or struggling and then i will contact them just to say hey how are you want to catch up soon... or i get feelings about them.ill follow those feelings and contact......i am normally right...my mother in law used to tell me deb everytime you ring me i am thinking about you ...i said nah you're just being nice to me....and she said no its true deb ....

 

you have to learn to trust people ....its not about idealism...try nto to think about the worst case scenario.....and really believe that they are nice as you feel they are.....trust your feelings and keep your heart in check.....by being more relaxed and open...if they dont contact you busy yourself doing things you love to do spend that time with people who do love you and dont worry about him ..think of all the good things he does not that eh is alate in ringing or texting you.....

 

 

..i do know that communication can feel like a chore if you feel you have too do it at a certain time on the hour or else the other person feels insecure........instead of wanting to communicate it feels like...a chore and can become repetitive......that's why i prefer to let guys choose when to contact me...and mostly...its on a daily basis....if i wanted to see them .....i would simply ring and ask to see them..communication doesnt have to be a mine field...of doubt and insecurity.....all it really has to be is honest and mutually wanted communication....to be ideal...there no timing rules....its different for every couple and you will find what suits you and him if you are patient and honest...and give it a chance to grow into what suits you both...i wish you well...deb....

 

Thanks Deb, made perfect sense.

In the current situation this guy and I have been involved for a little over a month now and it’s been so far so good. It was admittedly tough earlier in the week when I hadn’t heard much from him (turns out his work demands were high) and I had a feeling that was the case as I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong, but my brain automatically rushed to the worst case scenario assuming he had lost interest and the realist in me was forcing me to accept it. I felt like I was in a black hole of negative emotions - I don’t connect with guys often like I have with this one, hence the slight heartache I felt. In that I took some positive lessons, ie to not assume until I know facts of the matter. He reached out to me last night and was telling me about work, wanting advice, I offered my continued moral support and he was very appreciative. Despite being busy he gave me his contact details (we have been talking over social media not text) and wants to spend more time with me in light of our busy schedules. I’m taking that as is too, not getting too far ahead of myself but it’s a good sign. We are on good terms and that’s what I was hoping for.

[CrazyKatLady]

I have no idea how to not be so extreme either...if I am meeting up with a person, I am already invested-as stupid as that sounds...I never have luck with that mindset, though either. I quit dating...I like that I got excited over a person that way-not many things in this world have ever made me feel that way...but, I guess it's wrong to not consider how the other person approaches things...except at this point, I have always had to consider them first...the dating world doesn't function well for people who fall fast into something...it doesn't value the initial interaction as much as the overall transaction. It's a real party pooper for those of us who were smart enough to over invest from the start. I know what I like the moment I spot it and make time for it in my life-I guess its the wrong approach when dating...hope you figure it out before you give up like I did and become a recluse...good luck!