darkmoon Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 Has anyone actually done this? Treated the narcissist the same as they treat/ed you? What happened? Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 The best way is to stop giving them any attention. Attention is the air they breath. Ignoring, rejection are some of the very few things that you can do to get back at them. They will not change but yeah, will find someone else to feed on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 escalated into a huge argument.....and my words hurt him......and he hurt me the same...after i felt really down.... so did he..........i felt ugly inside and outside.........my girls got involved and attacked him verbally for attacking me called him names....and like sharks they circled around me until he retreated..it was horrible.i cried in my room..... and i felt worse ....i felt like the worse mum out by the example i showed my girls...its not how you treat people..... anyone ..its nto hwo i want them to treat anyone even people they arent fond of.... ..and i told them that...... i explained how i felt later when i had calmed down to my girls....and let them know in doing what i did i had made myself miserable as he was at the time...and that it wasnt the example i wanted to set them on how to act as a woman.......i apologised to him and he apologised to me...my girls refused to apologise to him because of the names he called me..... i dont believe that you fight fire with fire...everyone just gets burned.more so..... ..its a failure on my behalf because i am the one who lost control over myself..i know better and i need to give an example of what i know is better to my girls.......he doesnt.....and i try not to repeat what i know is wrong........deb Link to post Share on other sites
Chilli Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 (edited) l don't know about a narc but l do know with other personalty traits similar . l wouldn't live like that. You start playing their game then you become them , and how happy would that make you ? Or if you need to act in some other stupid damn way to combat their bs personality or to almost discipline them like a child , you'd change yourself to become someone you don't like , to handle somebody you don't like. And then the second you drop off , they sense it and they're all over you again and on it would go Where would it end you'd end up as miserable as they are.? Edited February 23, 2018 by Chilli 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 The best way is to not react or feed any of their games. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author darkmoon Posted February 23, 2018 Author Share Posted February 23, 2018 l don't know about a narc but l do know with other personalty traits similar . l wouldn't live like that. You start playing their game then you become them , and how happy would that make you ? Or if you need to act in some other stupid damn way to combat their bs personality or to almost discipline them like a child , you'd change yourself to become someone you don't like , to handle somebody you don't like. And then the second you drop off , they sense it and they're all over you again and on it would go Where would it end you'd end up as miserable as they are.? you are telling me what NOT to do, ok - so what should I do? genuinely interested here, cheers Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 I have a psychologist friend who says you can beat them at their own game, but you have to be pretty tough mentally to do it. You'd lose parts of yourself in doing so, almost like going to the dark side. My exH is a mental case (malevolent narcissist I've been told) with a passive aggressive streak; I despise passive aggressiveness with a vengeance but I have learned to spot it and try not to react to it (the hard part, when they desperately try to push your buttons with emotional outbursts). The best way I have found to deal with him (and anyone else like him) is to keep interactions to a minimum, only when you have to, preferably in writing, keep a record of everything and only deal with facts. He backs off because he doesn't like facts very much. I have ASD and narcs are my worst case scenario; I spot them too late. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gbe2015 Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 I have a psychologist friend who says you can beat them at their own game, but you have to be pretty tough mentally to do it. You'd lose parts of yourself in doing so, almost like going to the dark side. But why bother. Put that energy into finding a healthy relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 But why bother. Put that energy into finding a healthy relationship. Or stay single but yes, I agree - why bother. It's not simple when you share kids so you have to find a way around it without getting sucked back in. I was simply replying to the OP; it may be emotionally taxing and ultimately pointless, but it is technically possible to 'play them at their own game'. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Chilli Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 (edited) you are telling me what NOT to do, ok - so what should I do? genuinely interested here, cheers Well ,you asked what happened , l told ya. From what l've read and experienced yeah you can deal with it but you lose yourself living like that. lf an ex and kids involved you gotta find a way l guess , maybe in not reacting or something like people have been saying. But if it's just relationship though , l'd try to get out out if it and find something happy and healthy. Because what l was saying is in trying to live with it and deal with it, either way you lose anyway. Edited February 23, 2018 by Chilli 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Chilli Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 l'd really like to hear myself too actually if anyone's found a way and a happy life in living with a narc or bpdish or similar. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 Has anyone actually done this? Treated the narcissist the same as they treat/ed you? What happened? Are you considering doing this? If so, why? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 Well, they'll never get why you put yourself first, so don't have any illusions about that. But yes, I have told one friend just practical things like that I won't ride as her passenger because she's the worst driver ever (doesn't everyone know where she's going and what she's doing is the most important thing???) Also, she was bad about disappearing if you went somewhere with her because she's nuts. So I told her at this point we'd always go separately. She was okay with it, just a little insulted. Also, she was under the delusion that she was carrying me socially at one point only because she was a big extroverted bipolar attention tramp who always brought new people around, but I was the one with the respected standing in my crowd and she met all those people through me. Plus I had no interest in most of the ones she went through because she was indiscriminate and just like a feeder shark about needing attention. But she was convinced she was running the show and was the main attraction all the time. I remember one bf I had was over and playing guitar and she came home and tried to be the center of attention, as she always did. She tried everything but he just kept playing and the couple of people there just stayed focused on him and she was mad as a wet hen. She couldn't stand him after that. Which was more than okay with me because she was a poacher and at that time not an old enough friend to expect more than the cursory loyalty out of. Now that she's in her 60s and really having a hard time garnering attention, she's just about gone off her rocker and I'm avoiding her although I feel guilty at times about it. Narcissists are hard to deal with. And then she's also bipolar. She is a lot of fun and always enthusiastic, but she pretends to be interested and then later you may find out she was just faking it and didn't hear a word you said. My sister is also a narcissist, though a reclusive one. She's mean and she can never ever be sorry or wrong. Never. I read something in Psychology Today a few months ago that said you'll never hear an apology from a narcissist. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 l'd really like to hear myself too actually if anyone's found a way and a happy life in living with a narc or bpdish or similar. by not being like them not reacting and walking away.....and shutting the door....a silent protest....there's no good arguing you will never win....it will make you miserable as miserable as they are in their hearts...in saying that....there are normally reasons why people are this way.....and often narcissists are the most insecure inside and they project a different persona because they dont know any other way to be ...a self defense mechanism that is often brutal to hide out from how they really are ........which is completely broken and little to no self esteem... people who are truly confident...dont need to hurt others to feel that confidence................deb 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 you are telling me what NOT to do, ok - so what should I do? genuinely interested here, cheers Disengage. Don't play games, unless you're talking about a child of yours or other family member that you can't avoid dealing with. I did have that situation when I was in the position of trustee after my parents died and actually got a therapist who specialized in personality disorders to coach me on how to deal with my brother who has NPD. She taught me that the ONLY way to get through anything with a narcissist is to completely feed their ego the whole time because if you don't you will get on the other side of their "splitting" and things will go south fast. This entailed CONSTANTLY giving all his feelings and rage validation. Examples: when he would go off on me about how I was trying to steal the family's money and ruin his life, I had to say things like "wow I can really understand how you would feel that way" and then make a point of a lot of "mea culpa." I had to insert a lot of praise and flattery in order to gain any cooperation. It worked somewhat and it was torturous. Don't "try" stuff with a narcissist unless you absolutely have to. Link to post Share on other sites
CrazyKatLady Posted February 25, 2018 Share Posted February 25, 2018 Being a narcissist is rare, but those people have psychological issues already. If you are mentally stable then perhaps suggest to that person that they seek treatment because you believe they may have a problem. I would wait for a diagnosis of their condition before subjecting yourself to bad behavior as well. Even if they are disturbed and were awful to you, as someone who is cognitive mentally, why would you willingly hurt another person? This is why I stopped dating this year-you never know who will call you a narcissist, or bi polar, or manipulative...it's scary to disagree with men now days. Just tell them to seek therapy, that they hurt you, and that you feel they have a serious issue...try being honest first if you feel vindictive, then walk away if they don't care about your take on things. Narcissism is a real, rare and treatable condition for people who are aware of it...some people might not even know...which is unfortunate, but I wouldn't enjoy hurting someone who didn't know and who had a real mental disorder and who sought treatment after I explained it to them...of course, their is always the concern that your ex might seek counseling and not be diagnosed...but who wants to face the reality that they were in a relationship that didn't work out...much easier to say someone is narcissistic and plot revenge...this is why my career field in forensics is booming...it never ceases to amaze me how revenge against a romantic partner is the better choice than one that benefits both people in the end...good luck if you do decide to strike back... Link to post Share on other sites
CrazyKatLady Posted February 25, 2018 Share Posted February 25, 2018 I meant there...instead of their in my post...grammatical error that would drive me nuts! Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted February 25, 2018 Share Posted February 25, 2018 (edited) Just tell them to seek therapy, that they hurt you, and that you feel they have a serious issue...try being honest first if you feel vindictive, then walk away if they don't care about your take on things. Narcissism is a real, rare and treatable condition for people who are aware of it... It may be kind of rare (1% of the general population - this means 1 in every 100 is a narcissist so we've all at least been in contact with one) but it's not very treatable. It took me about 6 years and numerous stop-starts (I even considered staying married to him after 2 years of separation when I figured out he was being unfaithful - that was the last drop) to shake my exH off but there are parts of me he has affected that will never heal; I know that, the hurt he cause was so profound that I don't want to take the risk of being in another relationship. I've made my peace with it, I know I can't impose this onto another man so I don't try. Not a hardship in itself for me but it's hard for others who haven't met with the full narcissistic force to understand. I suggested he went to therapy and he apparently got cured in 3 sessions, when it took me 2 years to barely touch the surface of the mental and emotional scars I have to stay with. He doesn't think he has a problem - he thinks the whole world has it in for him. My own psychologist and counselor (both experts in personality disorders) think he presents with the symptoms though they obviously can't diagnose him. I didn't even know these types of disorders before going to counselling. They both said it is extremely difficult to diagnose a true narcissist. He feels justified in everything he's done and will go to any length to default on responsibility or accountability. Even when the penny drops and you see them for who they are, getting out of a lifetime of gaslighting is like climbing Mount Everest; walking away is difficult and the guilt you carry for allowing yourself to get so stupidly duped is like no other. So I totally empathise with OP's position; the hardest part is to let go and get to a mental place they can't hurt you. Anger (or wanting to seek revenge) is a necessary phase to healing; not acting on it is key to recovery. Edited February 25, 2018 by littleblackheart Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 25, 2018 Share Posted February 25, 2018 Just don't have them in your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr.Me Posted February 25, 2018 Share Posted February 25, 2018 (edited) In my experience, the NPD will just change the rules as you play the game and make it sound like it's your fault somehow. I don't believe you can win a game you don't even know the rules too. Using facts as your leverage, the NPD will try to make your facts seem like opinions and when the rules change, it will be your fault then too. Facts aren't even important when winning by making you feel inferior is the upmost importance. As far as getting help for an NPD, that's going to require the NPD to conceptualize their behaviors and that requires the NPD to go deeper to find the root cause of the self esteem issues of which they are trying to hide from. Edited February 25, 2018 by Mr.Me Link to post Share on other sites
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