Can't deal with this pain anymore

[Suff310]

So... About 4 months ago, the most amazing person came into my life, this girl for whatever reason followed me on Instagram and we really hit it off. We shared the hobby of posting rare beers pictures and that's what made us start talking. She recently broke up with her boyfriend and felt lonely, like she had no purpose in life because she wasn't very independent but also because she was still living with her ex. I don't know why she opened up to me, but we had this super strong understanding of how things work and we build a crazy bond. After two weeks of talking, we finally met in person.

 

Before I continue on with this, I'd like to say that I recently lost 150 pounds, so I have a lot of insecurity issues and haven't had a girlfriend in 10 years... I was also learning to love myself again so that's where a lot of the issues started pouring in... But this girl, she saw me for who I was, she actually liked me, was attracted to me, made me feel so special and ultimately made me love myself again. She got me, she understood me and eventually became my best friend. Still to this day I feel like this girl is way out of my league, I mean she's beyond beautiful, has the prettiest eyes you'll ever see, a very cheeky grin that will make any guy drive nuts, the way she presented herself was out of this world; she's a geek so she wears glasses but damn, makes it look so good. And she has tattoos all over her body. The problem is that she was too hot, that so many people on Instagram wanted her. And since she's very outgoing, she has a ton of guy friends.

 

At first, it was very difficult for me to understand, because of my lack of experience, I got jealous, felt like she was using me, playing me etc. I basically judged her off the bat and that was very selfish of me. Fortunately over time I started to see her for who she really was, so things got easier, I started to understand that it's alright. But that wasn't why things were so complicated... They got complicated because the day after I met her for the second time, it turned out that she was moving to Texas...

 

We met twice, and man, it was an amazing experience. I think we both knew that we were so alike that if she never moved away that we would have ended up together. We shared so many things in common, I actually found her hilarious, and best of all, she was intelligent so we shared a lot of the same values in life. We even got intimate and it was a very very amazing experience for me, something that I still think about to this day. I feel like if we haven't met in person then we probably wouldn't be trying to eventually be a couple.

 

Anyhow, the biggest issue with all of this was because I fell deeply in love with her while she didn't. She did like me, but nothing compared to what I felt for her. She didn't want a boyfriend, and I wanted to be with her. She also has a hard time reassuring me with certain things that I have a difficult time with, like believing that she's into me, finds me attractive, isn't talking to some other guy etc. I guess because it's not really her job to do so, but I always felt like if the really did have feelings for me then why did she have such a difficult time telling me? I always felt like she made me feel like I was in the wrong when I tried to ask. Am I wrong?

 

She's also very afraid to show her feelings at times, so I never really truly got to see that side of her because I had to try to see the real her through texting... It's a ****ty situation, but I know that this girl is "the one" for me because she makes everything stop for me. I mean while I'm at work, I'll stop whatever it is that I'm doing just to get to talk to her. I spend most of the money that I make just to send her things because it's the only thing that i can really do to her physically at the moment. I put all of my time and effort into her, I think about her all the freaking time... She's literally the most important person in my life right now.

 

Unfortunately, when I drink I don't know where to stop and I become a fool when I'm drunk... there's been a handful of times where I say or do something stupid that I ruin things with her. And she's given me so many chances... But a couple of days ago, I blew it big time... She wouldn't respond to any of my messages or even read them that I felt like she was out with some dude, but it turned out that she fell asleep... The beautiful thing about this girl is that she's just as honest as I am, so I believe her. Anyhow... Since my paranoia got the best of me, I went to a strip club like the dumb ass that I am. I thought that it was going to make me feel better, but it didn't. I couldn't even look at a girl without feeling guilty. Bear in mind that I'm not even with this girl and I still felt that way. Anyhow, I ended up telling her and she seemed upset about it and told me that she was glad that she's starting to see me for who I really am... And that things are going to be easier for her now in terms of being with someone else... This shattered my heart into a million pieces... To make matters worse, she blocked me on Instagram so I can't even talk to her anymore... I do have her number, but she won't even reply to my texts...

 

All I want to do is just sleep... Because that's the only time that I'm not dealing with this anguish at the moment. I'm afraid that I won't be able to deal with this horrible pain that I'm going to go into a great depression again like I did 10 years ago where I stopped caring about myself, feeling suicidal or worse, just give up hope.

 

Deep down inside I know that I deserve this girl, that she's the love of my life, but the timing just wasn't right. I don't want to give up though, my heart tells me to hold on and that she'll forgive me over time. But with all of the sorrow that I'm dealing with at the moment, I'm afraid that I won't be able to hold on much longer. What should I do? This is too much for me...

 

Ultimately I want this girl in my life, no matter what. Even if I don't end up with her, I want her to be in my life and to be happy, because I do love her and care about her.

 

P.S. I love vB forums, I'm very familiar with the BBcodes and smileys haha. I have over 8000 posts on a gaming forum that uses the same vbulletin.

[basil67]

I'm sorry you're hurting so much Suff310.

 

I'm not a cynical person by nature, but the thing which really stood out to me is that you spent nearly all your spare money sending her gifts and things. My gut instinct is that she was using you.

 

That aside, you're right that if she felt strongly about you, she would have been more obvious about it. The stuff about being attracted to you, believing in you, not talking to other guys.....it's not true. It never was. Look at it logically: why would she stop seeing other men if she was openly admitting she didn't have strong feelings for you?

 

I have the suspicion that you're very lonely for female company and this left you vulnerable to being used like this.

Edited February 24, 2018 by basil67

[Suff310]

I'm sorry you're hurting so much Suff310.

 

I'm not a cynical person by nature, but the thing which really stood out to me is that you spent nearly all your spare money sending her gifts and things. My gut instinct is that she was using you.

 

That aside, you're right that if she felt strongly about you, she would have been more obvious about it. The stuff about being attracted to you, believing in you, not talking to other guys.....it's not true. It never was. Look at it logically: why would she stop seeing other men if she was openly admitting she didn't have strong feelings for you?

 

I have the suspicion that you're very lonely for female company and this left you vulnerable to being used like this.

 

 

Nah, if she were using me then I would have stopped sending her things a while back. Plus, I'm the one that offers. And like I said, she has a lot of guy friends and gets a lot of unwanted attention. She was talking to some other guy that was sending her things as well but she wasn't really into him, she chooses who she wants to be good friends with and at the end of the day she made it clear that we were just friends but she was open about trying to build something. she knows what she wants is all, has a lot of life experience and is very picky about who she opens up to. Plus at the end of the day, she's a super sweet girl. I can't see her going out of her way to hurt someone. She's just... Really complicated. Like she's a free spirit: a Ramona flowers/500 days of Summer type of girl, she's always been a rolling stone and up until recently she finally moved back with family so she's dealing with a lot of emotional issues.

 

And nah, she brought the best in me and made me realize that I don't have to settle, so I'm only vulnerable to her because while she may not be the perfect girl, she was to me: she's everything that I could ever want in a woman and I ruined it.

 

Cheers for the response by the way.

[Mac0908]

 

We met twice, and man, it was an amazing experience.