alphamale Posted February 24, 2018 Posted February 24, 2018 My father is turning 81 soon. His ability to drive has deteriorated steadily over the past few years. I don't know if it's safe for him to drive anymore. I'm dreading the day I have to tell him he can no longer drive, it'll be a big blow to his independence and sense of self-worth. I just don't want him or anyone else to be hurt. Has anyone gone thru this before? Any advice would be appreciated. Alpha 1
whichwayisup Posted February 25, 2018 Posted February 25, 2018 My father is turning 81 soon. His ability to drive has deteriorated steadily over the past few years. I don't know if it's safe for him to drive anymore. I'm dreading the day I have to tell him he can no longer drive, it'll be a big blow to his independence and sense of self-worth. I just don't want him or anyone else to be hurt. Has anyone gone thru this before? Any advice would be appreciated. Alpha Do it a humourous way. I assume your dad has a good sense of humour! Just remind him he can uber it or ask family members to cart him around town. Pay back for when he had to drive you and bro's around years ago! On a more serious note, that sucks Alpha. This shouldn't fall all on your shoulders. Might be easier to get his family Dr to make this decision and tell him he can no longer drive, rather than you having to tell him he shouldn't drive anymore. 1
basil67 Posted February 25, 2018 Posted February 25, 2018 Does your motor authority do regular re-tests of old folk? If so, perhaps failing the test would fix the problem.
carhill Posted February 25, 2018 Posted February 25, 2018 I took away the car. If someone is determined to drive a license means nothing. 1
BaileyB Posted February 25, 2018 Posted February 25, 2018 It's a very difficult thing to have to do... Are you able to share your concerns with his doctor? This may be one way to do the responsible thing, while still protecting your relationship. 1
preraph Posted February 25, 2018 Posted February 25, 2018 Be sure to really assess if he can drive or not and be sure he has regular eye exams as eyes can deteriorate with age. My dad became a drunk in his old age. When he was 70-something he was arrested for racing. Since he was drunk all the time, obviously, he had no business behind the wheel. That said, he never had a wreck that I knew of. He lived in the country. We took his car keys. His mind was really bad by then. I also stole his rifle. He was allowing riff-raff to hang out who were taking monetary advantage of him. At one point, he was found (him not his car) in a ditch and was hospitalized. He became very stiff and immobile after his hospital stay. I guess they didn't give him PT. We sent him home with home healthcare people looking after him. But he threw the walker at the nurse. This was after the keys were taken. He was obviously wanting to go to the liquor store even though he had plenty of time to dry out in the hospital. So he fought people. Then he got on his riding lawnmower and disappeared for three days, no doubt to the liquor store. Then we put him in the nursing home. We had money to care for him at home, and I wanted that more than anything, but no one needs a lawsuit. His mind went way before his body gave it up, so unfortunately he was in there a long time and lived into his 90s sexually harassing nurses and thinking he was 19 and not recognizing his family members. So my recommendation is get eyes checked, watch for dementia, watch for drinking and driving. Someone who has driven all their life may still be able to drive if they're not losing eyesight or losing their mind or drinking. So get him to the eye doctor, then go on a ride with him and see what you're dealing with. Likely down the line, he will fall or something (that's how most old people begin the degeneration process) and not be able to do much anyway. I used to think as I got old that living 2-3 blocks from the grocery store would help, but then I fell and can't walk that far anymore, but I can still drive just fine. Good luck.
anika99 Posted February 25, 2018 Posted February 25, 2018 I have mixed feelings about this as I don't think all old people necessarily have to give up driving. Of course their are some who have diminished health and mental stability who pose a real danger to other people. The old people in my family who are still living or passed on, decided on their own to give up driving when they knew it was time but before they completely gave up they naturally seemed to adjust their driving habits to match their driving skills. They stopped driving at night or in bad weather. They opted for routes that didn't involve fast paced roads like highways or freeways. They adjusted their speed. Before my grandma gave up driving she had pretty much reduced her driving to just running errands around her own neighborhood. 1
Author alphamale Posted February 25, 2018 Author Posted February 25, 2018 Do it a humourous way. I assume your dad has a good sense of humour! Just remind him he can uber it or ask family members to cart him around town. Pay back for when he had to drive you and bro's around years ago! On a more serious note, that sucks Alpha. This shouldn't fall all on your shoulders. Might be easier to get his family Dr to make this decision and tell him he can no longer drive, rather than you having to tell him he shouldn't drive anymore. that's a good suggestion as we do share the same primary doctor I took away the car. If someone is determined to drive a license means nothing. baahahahaha It's a very difficult thing to have to do... Are you able to share your concerns with his doctor? This may be one way to do the responsible thing, while still protecting your relationship. yes I can talk with his doctor, I don't know why I didn't think of that, but thanks
amaysngrace Posted February 26, 2018 Posted February 26, 2018 Why are you going to do that? Have you ever had to issue a silver alert for him? I hope you aren't thinking of doing that just because he's getting older. I'd kill my kid if they pulled that sht on me for no good reason. Plus I'd be deeply hurt.
Author alphamale Posted February 26, 2018 Author Posted February 26, 2018 Why are you going to do that? because his driving is getting worse and worse and he may be a danger to himself or others Have you ever had to issue a silver alert for him? I don't know what that is
amaysngrace Posted February 26, 2018 Posted February 26, 2018 because his driving is getting worse and worse and he may be a danger to himself or others You've been in the car with him to know that? Why didn't you offer to drive?
Author alphamale Posted February 26, 2018 Author Posted February 26, 2018 You've been in the car with him to know that? heck yeah I've been in the car with him dozens of times, how else would I know Why didn't you offer to drive? most of the time I do. my nerves can't take his driving any more
amaysngrace Posted February 26, 2018 Posted February 26, 2018 heck yeah I've been in the car with him dozens of times, how else would I know in all those dozens of times how many people did he hurt or cars did he smash up? I'd just ask him if he wants for you to drive every time.
Author alphamale Posted February 26, 2018 Author Posted February 26, 2018 in all those dozens of times how many people did he hurt or cars did he smash up? I'd just ask him if he wants for you to drive every time. he hasn't hurt anyone but the other day while parking in the garage he failed to brake early enough and smashed some stored items but yeah I see your point. maybe it's too early. he should kill or maim someone before I take action 2
amaysngrace Posted February 26, 2018 Posted February 26, 2018 I found this article that gives suggestions and there are some comments about it from others who are in your shoes. https://www.agingcare.com/articles/is-it-time-to-take-away-the-keys-112306.htm Hopefully you'll find something that can help you out alpha because I'm not gonna be much help here because I'm too sympathetic to old people losing their freedoms. But if he's hitting stuff maybe it's time
Author alphamale Posted February 26, 2018 Author Posted February 26, 2018 I found this article that gives suggestions and there are some comments about it from others who are in your shoes. https://www.agingcare.com/articles/is-it-time-to-take-away-the-keys-112306.htm Hopefully you'll find something that can help you out alpha because I'm not gonna be much help here because I'm too sympathetic to old people losing their freedoms. But if he's hitting stuff maybe it's time thanks amaysngrace 1
amaysngrace Posted February 26, 2018 Posted February 26, 2018 You're welcome alpha. I feel sorry that you're dealing with this. It stinks but he's lucky to have you looking out for him xo
d0nnivain Posted February 26, 2018 Posted February 26, 2018 that's a good suggestion as we do share the same primary doctor yes I can talk with his doctor, I don't know why I didn't think of that, but thanks The Doctor is the best bet. The doctor can reach out to Motor Vehicles & ask them to take dad's license away. My mom's cardiologist did that. Shortly after he started the process, but before she actually lost the license, she totaled her car. Nobody was hurt Thank Heavens. My dad made a "deal" with the doctor & me. He set me up to be the good guy, advocating to get her license back but he refused to buy her another car. You do need to have answers to Qs about how your dad will get around without his car / license and how he will get valid ID after he loses his license. If he travels make sure his passport is up to date before he turns in the license. You may have to make arrangements to take him to get groceries & to go to all of his doctor's appointments. If no one answered your Q, a Silver Alert, is like a Amber alert for seniors. With kids it's usually that somebody took them, often a non-custodial parent but with Senior's it is that they wandered off & couldn't remember how to get back. If that is a real problem you don't have to resort to flashing highway signs but you can get a med-alert type bracelet with a chip, like lo-jack so you can find him if he wanders off. I don't hear you saying that is an issue but know it's out there. It is so hard to see our parents age
Author alphamale Posted February 27, 2018 Author Posted February 27, 2018 thanks everyone, this was a big help
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