How long until i should meet her in person?

[lioil]

My friend tried to set me up with her friend's daughter. She lives in west coast and I am east coast so there's the long distance. She is currently working and doing MBA and I am just working. We begun communicating sporadically via texts (she seems to respond her 1-2am time) due to her parents visiting and them vacationing.

 

Once her parents leave, should i discuss with her to set some ground rules of sorts on communication etc. And if there's a face to face when should that happen?

 

Also, for long distance, should i communicate daily even if just texting "how are you" etc? I was told it is better to give the other more attention so daily communication is best....

Edited February 25, 2018 by lioil

[basil67]

My friend tried to set me up with her friend's daughter. She lives in west coast and I am east coast so there's the long distance. She is currently working and doing MBA and I am just working. We begun communicating sporadically via texts (she seems to respond her 1-2am time) due to her parents visiting and them vacationing.

 

Once her parents leave, should i discuss with her to set some ground rules of sorts on communication etc. And if there's a face to face when should that happen?

 

Also, for long distance, should i communicate daily even if just texting "how are you" etc? I was told it is better to give the other more attention so daily communication is best....

 

You're at risk of killing this with rules. My advice is to just let it unfold in it's own natural way.

 

At this point, you haven't met her face to face. Until you meet her, you don't really *know* her so avoid considering her a girlfriend until you have met. Given that she's not your girlfriend, avoid making rules about communication. If she's interested, she will stay in contact. If not, she will fade. Just make it up as you go along. If and when you find a rhythm that you both like, then escalate it a bit.

 

One: if by chance you do get on really well, are you prepared to move across country to her?

[lioil]

You're at risk of killing this with rules. My advice is to just let it unfold in it's own natural way.

 

At this point, you haven't met her face to face. Until you meet her, you don't really *know* her so avoid considering her a girlfriend until you have met. Given that she's not your girlfriend, avoid making rules about communication. If she's interested, she will stay in contact. If not, she will fade. Just make it up as you go along. If and when you find a rhythm that you both like, then escalate it a bit.

 

One: if by chance you do get on really well, are you prepared to move across country to her?

 

Yeah i wasnt really interested in setting rules but just wondering what works and what doesnt - cant just randomly do things. my friend says i should at least contact daily (even just hello) to show my interest in her though since she might be shy and wait for me to initiate conversations.

 

I am not against moving since the company i work for has branches all over the world and worse come to worse i can try to find a job there. Her company has presence in both east and west coast as well.

 

I understand that unless we really meet we aren't really in any real relationship. With that said, is there a good time to meet? if she's shy i will probably need to bring it up.

[ExpatInItaly]

No, don't try to establish ground rules for communication. That would likely come across the wrong way, given that it sounds like you don't know each other that well.

 

How long have you been in communication with her? What do you talk about? Has it been solely through texting/messaging or have you spoken on the phone also?

[basil67]

No, I wouldn't suggest randomly doing things....but what's stopping you from going with the flow?

[preraph]

Don't put a lot of effort into this until and unless you MEET her. The harder you try when you don't even know her, the more desperate it will make you look. Honestly, you shouldn't even contact her unless she comes to town and they set you up on a date. Texting is the worst, so why spend time on that when it would be better to just see her in person when the time comes and see what she's like that way?

[lioil]

No, don't try to establish ground rules for communication. That would likely come across the wrong way, given that it sounds like you don't know each other that well.

 

How long have you been in communication with her? What do you talk about? Has it been solely through texting/messaging or have you spoken on the phone also?

 

We just begun last week. Her parents are still in town so we exchange maybe like 2-3 texts a day basically exchanging a question or two. We kind of know what eachother does and from - thats about it.

 

I did text her yesterday if we want to setup a call and she said not right now because she is superbusy with work and school. Not sure if it is polite way of blowing me off or not interested but i just replied i understand and we can text for now.

 

If she always responds to my questions and not actively ask me questions does it mean shes not interested? I dont want to drag it if everyday's like 2 texts... but if she keeps answering maybe she want it that way?

 

my friend is pushing me hard on it too saying i should be more aggressive but if the opposite party not aggressive/interested theres no point right?

 

Is there a way to find out?

[basil67]

We just begun last week. Her parents are still in town so we exchange maybe like 2-3 texts a day basically exchanging a question or two. We kind of know what eachother does and from - thats about it.

 

I did text her yesterday if we want to setup a call and she said not right now because she is superbusy with work and school. Not sure if it is polite way of blowing me off or not interested but i just replied i understand and we can text for now.

 

If she always responds to my questions and not actively ask me questions does it mean shes not interested? I dont want to drag it if everyday's like 2 texts... but if she keeps answering maybe she want it that way?

 

my friend is pushing me hard on it too saying i should be more aggressive but if the opposite party not aggressive/interested theres no point right?

 

Is there a way to find out?

 

Has she said anything to give the impression that she wants to see if this can turn into a relationship? And what is she looking for?

[ExpatInItaly]

We just begun last week. Her parents are still in town so we exchange maybe like 2-3 texts a day basically exchanging a question or two. We kind of know what eachother does and from - thats about it.

 

I did text her yesterday if we want to setup a call and she said not right now because she is superbusy with work and school. Not sure if it is polite way of blowing me off or not interested but i just replied i understand and we can text for now.

 

If she always responds to my questions and not actively ask me questions does it mean shes not interested? I dont want to drag it if everyday's like 2 texts... but if she keeps answering maybe she want it that way?

 

my friend is pushing me hard on it too saying i should be more aggressive but if the opposite party not aggressive/interested theres no point right?

 

Is there a way to find out?

 

At only a week of exchanging messages, you are getting far too ahead of yourself, my friend. You are a long way from suggesting you meet in person at this point.

 

And unfortunately, she does not sound interested.

 

She is being polite by replying to you, but she doesn't appear to want to get to know you. Her declining your request for a call is her trying to send the hint that she doesn't want to engage further than messaging.

 

Don't take your friend's advice and pursue her more aggressively. You barely know her and she's giving zero indication of wanting more attention from you. Ramping up your efforts would backfire here.

[lioil]

At only a week of exchanging messages, you are getting far too ahead of yourself, my friend. You are a long way from suggesting you meet in person at this point.

 

And unfortunately, she does not sound interested.

 

She is being polite by replying to you, but she doesn't appear to want to get to know you. Her declining your request for a call is her trying to send the hint that she doesn't want to engage further than messaging.

 

Don't take your friend's advice and pursue her more aggressively. You barely know her and she's giving zero indication of wanting more attention from you. Ramping up your efforts would backfire here.

 

i see. Just my friend somehow thinks it might work since shes really close with the girl's family. But i agree it is probably not a good sign even if she's super busy with her parents, schooling and working all happening the same time right now.

 

 

If she's not interested, should i just stop texting her if she doesnt respond to my last text? I guess that's fair? If she does reply i guess i will just exchange texts and see where it leads but not have much expectations in this.

[ExpatInItaly]

i see. Just my friend somehow thinks it might work since shes really close with the girl's family. But i agree it is probably not a good sign even if she's super busy with her parents, schooling and working all happening the same time right now.

 

 

If she's not interested, should i just stop texting her if she doesnt respond to my last text? I guess that's fair? If she does reply i guess i will just exchange texts and see where it leads but not have much expectations in this.

 

Yes, exactly.

 

I would not try to keep up daily texting with someone who only replies but never initiates.

[lioil]

Yes, exactly.

 

I would not try to keep up daily texting with someone who only replies but never initiates.

 

So is it ok to "tell on her" so to speak if my friend asks the progress? shes been very helpful so dont want to annoy her. I probably just say shes not interested because shes busy.

[ExpatInItaly]

So is it ok to "tell on her" so to speak if my friend asks the progress? shes been very helpful so dont want to annoy her. I probably just say shes not interested because shes busy.

 

No, why on earth would you do that?

 

This girl has done nothing wrong. There is nothing to "tell on." She is a virtual stranger who has been polite to you, but owes you nothing.

 

If your friend asks, tell her that it doesn't appear to be the right time to form a long-distance connection. And leave it at that. Your friend needs to step back now that she has put you two into contact. Her role in this ended there.

[lioil]

No, why on earth would you do that?

 

This girl has done nothing wrong. There is nothing to "tell on." She is a virtual stranger who has been polite to you, but owes you nothing.

 

If your friend asks, tell her that it doesn't appear to be the right time to form a long-distance connection. And leave it at that. Your friend needs to step back now that she has put you two into contact. Her role in this ended there.

 

Yeah she didnt do anything wrong but just dont want friend to pry and bug her ask why etc. w/e will see what happens.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yeah she didnt do anything wrong but just dont want friend to pry and bug her ask why etc. w/e will see what happens.

 

Then tell your friend to mind her business. Be assertive if your friend is being annoying and pushy.

 

But don't throw this other girl under the bus. She's allowed to not be interested in you or a text-buddy relationship.

[justwhoiam]

Just to get this straight: your female friend contacted you both saying "hey, I know someone who's perfect for you", she gave you her contact and you started messaging her?

 

I guess she might be a bit turned off by how this started. And now this same female friend is pushing hard to get you two together. Maybe you should tell her that's not how it works.

 

It worked in the past when being a good man or coming from a good family was enough to be considered as a future husband and good to make a family with. It still works in some cultures where pre-arranged marriages are a thing, or where being in love is not valued.

[lioil]

Then tell your friend to mind her business. Be assertive if your friend is being annoying and pushy.

 

But don't throw this other girl under the bus. She's allowed to not be interested in you or a text-buddy relationship.

 

So i thought this thread was dead but 2 days ago she replied my last message with 'yeah super busy'. I am not sure what to do next. should i bother replying? I mean 1 week+ and she just said that... not sure if shes catching up on texts or idk... ideas? I dont even know what to respond it with...

 

FYI the previous messages:

Me 2/25: If you are free sometime wanna chat on the phone?

Her 2/25: Not right now. Been super busy recently, sorry about that.

Me 2/25: "No problem. i just want to know more about you. i heard you are also going to MBA - must be super busy right? I also went to MBA few years back so i can understand"

Her 3/2: Yep, super busy.