Anyone's OM/OW have to move out of state after DDay? [UPDATE: IT"S OVER]

[Lehcar1012]

Sorry I stand corrected. I forgot about your ex telling his BW about the affair. However it doesn't seem that your MM has ever confessed and he continues to lie and gaslight his wife about everything so she is probably being driven mad by the all the suspicious behavior and deceit.

 

I still stand by my assertion that she is not forcing your MM to move to California because of the affair. I think they both want to move back and arrived at this decision together.

I agree that he probably has not confessed. Who knows what excuses he gave her. And maybe they did come to this decision together because for some time now he and I have both known we need to end this and maybe moving to Calif is the easiest way for him. He told me a couple weeks ago he doesn't know how he can end it if he knows where I am and can contact.me that knowing himself he will find a way. This move is going to create the distance we both need to move on. He has made his choice and I deserve someone who will love me enough to be with me. Doesn't make this easier knowing that and it doesn't make it hurt any less. My heart is broken. And I know he does love me, just not enough.

[Lehcar1012]

She has good reason to watch him lime a hawk, if that is what's going on. It's not her being crazy, it's her being spot on and trying to understand what's going on in her marriage, as it seems MM is not being forthcoming.

While I get why you're freaking out over him moving state, I think you're missing a key factor here. He is a grown man,not a child that can be dragged against his will across the country. I agree with anika, the decision to move is probably a mutual one.

You have to gain some perspective and insight in order to start making the right decisions for YOU.

 

I am seeing clearer every day. I agree this was probably a mutual decision, he cannot break free from this A , he has told me that and I'm sure he sees moving far from me as the only sure way to end it. He can't possibly drive the 12 hours to see me. He has made his choice. I never asked him to choose me but I think maybe i had some glimmer of hope that he would and we would run off into the sunset, what a joke. What a mess we have made. A **** show really. I am now seeing what a toxic situation this is. And day by day I'm starting to see through the fog a little more. It's been 9 days since I've seen him. I am seeing now that I was really only happy in the beginning of this. It really was wonderful. But it hasn't been that way for quite a while. I have just been lapping up the breadcrumbs and looking like a pathetic insecure mess. I'm 40 years old. I got with my ex when I was 16. Got pregnant at 17 and had my daughter a week after my 18 birthday. That relationship was abusive in every way. He was 26 when I got with him and honestly at this point I don't think I know what healthy love is. I had and abusive childhood. Mom was a drug addict and alcoholic. We were taken away by children's services when I was 14...me and my sibling that were my dad's went to live with him. But my little half brothers and sister went to foster care. I've had a tough life and see now that I need to do some work on myself and get some counseling. I have been lost for many years, maybe my whole life.

[CantTakeMySmile]

I agree that he probably has not confessed. Who knows what excuses he gave her. And maybe they did come to this decision together because for some time now he and I have both known we need to end this and maybe moving to Calif is the easiest way for him. He told me a couple weeks ago he doesn't know how he can end it if he knows where I am and can contact.me that knowing himself he will find a way. This move is going to create the distance we both need to move on. He has made his choice and I deserve someone who will love me enough to be with me. Doesn't make this easier knowing that and it doesn't make it hurt any less. My heart is broken. And I know he does love me, just not enough.

 

Do you guys not share what happens? What he a

His

Wife etc? Do you just not want to know?

[Lehcar1012]

Do you guys not share what happens? What he a

His

Wife etc? Do you just not want to know?

 

Yes he does share some things, the big things. Sometimes I ask. As of last week he had not admitted anything to her. After the other day, I don't know. I haven't seen him in 9 days. And the communication we have had has been very brief. If I see him, I will ask what he told her about us . But honestly what's the point. He will probably lie anyway. If he lies to her , I'm sure he lies to me. He's normally pretty honest, I asked him a couple weeks ago if they have had sex yet, it had been about 8 months since they had. He doesn't like when I ask that question. But he was honest , and he said yes...they had tried. But he was not able to perform, as he has no desires . But he said he was able to help her in other ways with her needs. I believe him, because he has some issues in that area when he's not feeling like it or stressed or tired. I didn't ask for details I don't want to know. So yes I guess there are some things I don't want to know.

[imsosad]

I am seeing clearer every day. I agree this was probably a mutual decision, he cannot break free from this A , he has told me that and I'm sure he sees moving far from me as the only sure way to end it. He can't possibly drive the 12 hours to see me. He has made his choice. I never asked him to choose me but I think maybe i had some glimmer of hope that he would and we would run off into the sunset, what a joke. What a mess we have made. A **** show really. I am now seeing what a toxic situation this is. And day by day I'm starting to see through the fog a little more. It's been 9 days since I've seen him. I am seeing now that I was really only happy in the beginning of this. It really was wonderful. But it hasn't been that way for quite a while. I have just been lapping up the breadcrumbs and looking like a pathetic insecure mess. I'm 40 years old. I got with my ex when I was 16. Got pregnant at 17 and had my daughter a week after my 18 birthday. That relationship was abusive in every way. He was 26 when I got with him and honestly at this point I don't think I know what healthy love is. I had and abusive childhood. Mom was a drug addict and alcoholic. We were taken away by children's services when I was 14...me and my sibling that were my dad's went to live with him. But my little half brothers and sister went to foster care. I've had a tough life and see now that I need to do some work on myself and get some counseling. I have been lost for many years, maybe my whole life.

I know you're very broken hearted over this affair. I am also sorry you had such a rough upbringing.

I get that you want some happiness in your life but I honestly don't think your MM holds the key to that.

Entering counselling is a much better and healthier way ti work through childhood issues and create a better future. 40 is young, plenty of time to enjoy life.

Just to add, being in an affair will make any sane person an insecure mess. I actually see that as a healthy, adaptive sign, you intuitively know you deserve better.

[Lehcar1012]

I saw him today, we talked . He is 100%moving. Most likely to California, but definitely out of state. I have chosen to remain friends with him and will will remain friends even after he's gone. My heart is broken. His heart is broken . It's been a sad day. He said he will focus on his mom and kids from now on but as a man he feels dead inside. I love him. And even though I'm not his choice, I understand his choice. I won't kick him while he's down. He has to give up the life he worked so hard to build here. It's our own fault. But you know when you get caught up in these things you don't realize the full extent of the damage that will be done. I will miss him , I will move on with my life. And remain friends from a distance. I hope he is able to rebuild his life and be happy and I hope the same for myself. As to admitting to the affair, i don't think he admitted fully, he has made it look like and EA not physical but he did admit to her that he has feelings for me.

[grass-hopper]

It's our own fault. But you know when you get caught up in these things you don't realize the full extent of the damage that will be done.

This is true. You might have an idea but you’re so caught up in the midst of the high that you have no idea the world of hurt that will come when it’s over.

 

Your words seem very strong and hopeful. I wish I had an ounce of that strength in me today. I’m struggling through the end of this affair today.

Edited February 26, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed quote ~T

[Lehcar1012]

This is true. You might have an idea but you’re so caught up in the midst of the high that you have no idea the world of hurt that will come when it’s over.

 

Your words seem very strong and hopeful. I wish I had an ounce of that strength in me today. I’m struggling through the end of this affair today.

 

I have moments of strong and hopeful in between sobbing. Maybe it won't fully hit me until he's gone. I'm trying to accept it, think of the positives, and prepare myself for what's coming. This is grief. And the only thing I have ever felt close to this is when my dad dies a year and a half ago. The only difference is this time I'm grieving the loss of someone who is still alive. I hope you find peace. And I hope I find it too, as well as MM . Everyone keeps telling me forget him, he doesn't care about you, if he did he's choose you. But I don't believe that and I've been through enough in my life to know that not everything is black and white things are more complicated than that he's a good person he's not a bad person he did a bad thing we both did we both got caught up in it we both fell in love but I don't believe that that makes him a bad person. So I won't end this badly and with anger and go NC like everyone says.

[Lehcar1012]

This is true. You might have an idea but you’re so caught up in the midst of the high that you have no idea the world of hurt that will come when it’s over.

 

Your words seem very strong and hopeful. I wish I had an ounce of that strength in me today. I’m struggling through the end of this affair today.

 

I bought 2 books yesterday, one is "how to survive the loss of a love" and I will post the name of the other one when I get home. Reading helps me.

[georgia girl]

I posted this on Lehcar’s thread as well. Look up, “The Gift of a Year,” by

Mira somebody. It’s all about giving yourself a year to explore yourself. I used this when I had to heal from some tremendous stress that I was under and it was so helpful to me. The idea is that you chose one thing just for you to do for a year. You can learn a new language, travel, whatever. I chose greasy takeout and bubble baths. Essentially, I was giving myself a vacation every Friday night. No matter how bad things got during the week, I had my Friday night time. Whenever I would get too stressed out, I would remind myself, “You are broken right now. You don’t have to fix this problem. It’s only x days until Friday.”

 

I didn’t need the full year - sadly enough, I loved those burgers and bubble baths and miss them now - but it helped tremendously. It gave me a small sense of calm in my broken world. I recommend it to both of you.

[Lehcar1012]

I posted this on Lehcar’s thread as well. Look up, “The Gift of a Year,” by

Mira somebody. It’s all about giving yourself a year to explore yourself. I used this when I had to heal from some tremendous stress that I was under and it was so helpful to me. The idea is that you chose one thing just for you to do for a year. You can learn a new language, travel, whatever. I chose greasy takeout and bubble baths. Essentially, I was giving myself a vacation every Friday night. No matter how bad things got during the week, I had my Friday night time. Whenever I would get too stressed out, I would remind myself, “You are broken right now. You don’t have to fix this problem. It’s only x days until Friday.”

 

I didn’t need the full year - sadly enough, I loved those burgers and bubble baths and miss them now - but it helped tremendously. It gave me a small sense of calm in my broken world. I recommend it to both of you.

 

I've already started going back to church and slowly going back to the gym, which I stopped when my dad got sick and I wanted to spend all my extra time with him. I never went back after he passed. I also would like to pursue a career as dental hygienist. I can't see myself being a machine operator forever. I need focus on getting my life and after he's gone I will have way to much time on my hands. I can lay in bed a wallow my life away or i can focus on putting that time to good use.

[grass-hopper]

I can lay in bed a wallow my life away or i can focus on putting that time to good use.

 

Today I have laid in my bed and wallowed my day away

 

Good for you Lehcar. I wonder if your positivity has to do with knowing he loves you despite not being able to be with you.

I think my sadness is knowing that I was played for a fool the entire time. And once he was done or tired he just threw me out.

[Lehcar1012]

Today I have laid in my bed and wallowed my day away

 

Good for you Lehcar. I wonder if your positivity has to do with knowing he loves you despite not being able to be with you.

I think my sadness is knowing that I was played for a fool the entire time. And once he was done or tired he just threw me out.

 

 

I think I will have my fair share of wallowing days...i know they are coming. I am just trying to enjoy this feeling of positivity. Although I burst into tears at the drop of a hat. Yes I think it helps that he is hurting too and that he wants to remain friends. But it can change at any moment and I'm sure if he decides to cut me out completely of his life it will be so much worse. Maybe I'm getting some comfort from knowing that I will still be able to hear his voice from time to time and see how he's doing because we are best friends. I think it's a day-by-day moment by moment thing just like with any other grief you never know how you're going to feel from moment to moment or day-to-day

[whatcomesnext]

GH I think the discard does make it harder. You are not only dealing with the loss of someone you cared for, but also trying to make sense of what was real and what wasn’t. These things do a number on your self-esteem to begin with. Add being discarded and all of a sudden you are also questioning your own value. It also makes it difficult to find meaning in the choices you made, obtain any closure (I know closure is really from within, but still), and makes you feel quite powerless. At least that’s how it has felt for me. There is no way for it to end that makes it easy, but having an honest conversation which acknowledges the humanity of both people and allows you to walk away with a sense of meaning and dignity would help. This is true for any relationship. Plenty of regular relationships end with the other party ghosting or otherwise taking a cowardly or narcisstic route too. Makes it much harder and wounds in different ways. For some people it helps because they get angry at the other person or see them in a different light.

[sandylee1]

It seems like your something of an addiction for him that he has to get away from to avoid temptation.

 

You've mentioned that he's your best friend a few times...do you think it's a good idea having another woman's husband as your best friend? And a man you've had an affair with at that.

 

This will only lead to pain for you.

 

If they move and she finds out he's still in contact with you, how do you think she'll feel?

 

It's really easy and we as human beings tend to default to thinking about ourselves rather selfishly ....but there is a bigger picture here and there are children involved too.

 

This has the potential to affect more than his wife.

 

I'm sorry you had a really rough childhood....but unlike your half siblings at least you were able to live with a relative...but being separated from your siblings must have been a traumatic experience.

[Lehcar1012]

Throw his things out! Those reminders will never help you get past this.

 

Put new scents around the place - light new candles or burn incense. Burn sage too, to cleanse the energy/space and to start anew!

 

I notice you haven't answered at all when folks asked if you blocked all ways he can contact you - so it's safe to assume you haven't... do that for your own sanity...and for faster healing.

 

Stay strong. Stay busy. Stay distracted.

 

 

Quite a lot has happened since the day I posted this thread. If you read through you will see there was a dday 3 and he is moving out of state. I have chosen to remain friends with him from a distance and am working towards moving on with my life.

[jah526]

You've mentioned that he's your best friend a few times...do you think it's a good idea having another woman's husband as your best friend? And a man you've had an affair with at that.

 

This is a really good point. Kinda hit me when you look at it that way. That was MM’s hook in my case. He was constantly saying I was his best friend, even a few times that I was family. All lies of course but maybe he meant something more like I was his confidant. I was someone he could say anything to because he didn’t care about me. He could be his true awful self with me. Must be hard to keep up the pretense with everyone else in his life.

 

But yeah the hook of offered friendship knowing how much I needed that... it was cruel.

 

His wife should be his best friend and if she isn’t you have to wonder why.

[sandylee1]

If you're spouse has a best friend thet have to sneak to contact....you know it's wrong.

[CatMinx]

I saw him today, we talked . He is 100%moving. Most likely to California, but definitely out of state. I have chosen to remain friends with him and will will remain friends even after he's gone. My heart is broken. His heart is broken . It's been a sad day. He said he will focus on his mom and kids from now on but as a man he feels dead inside. I love him. And even though I'm not his choice, I understand his choice. I won't kick him while he's down. He has to give up the life he worked so hard to build here. It's our own fault. But you know when you get caught up in these things you don't realize the full extent of the damage that will be done. I will miss him , I will move on with my life. And remain friends from a distance. I hope he is able to rebuild his life and be happy and I hope the same for myself. As to admitting to the affair, i don't think he admitted fully, he has made it look like and EA not physical but he did admit to her that he has feelings for me.

 

That's wonderful news! You'll finally be free of the addiction as soon as the friendship fades (and it will)!

 

It'll do you well to remind yourself that he is not being forced to California at gunpoint..he is moving willingly with his family. He is making the choice to get away from the affair. Remind yourself of this any time you pine for him and soon the anger will replace the sadness, which will then turn to indifference.

 

Congratulations darling, you're on your way to being healthy again.

[Lehcar1012]

Those of you who have read my story know I have said it before. But I have come to the realization over the last couple months as he slowly disappeared from my life more and more each week, that he doesn't care about me. Or my feelings. He has stayed in it for the sex and it's been obvious lately. I told him don't ever contact me again. I was angry, I was cruel and I feel like I can breathe again. I have a trip planned to go out out town with a girlfriend next weekend, first girls trip in my life, and it couldn't come at a better time because as strong as I feel now ...i know I'll be a mess . I know the rollercoaster of emotions that's coming. But I also know I deserve someone who doesn't want to let me go. Who wants me and only me.

[abandoned2018]

Good luck.. i have a long way to go to reach what you have reached. i am trying... i hope you will meet someone who only wants you and who does not want to lose you...