Anyone's OM/OW have to move out of state after DDay? [UPDATE: IT"S OVER]

[Lehcar1012]

What is it, from the situation, that you can see making you happy? What is the ideal outcome for you?

 

I don't know anymore. I'm so stressed, can't eat or sleep and I am at work trying to get through 1 hour at a time with out having a panic attack or breaking down and crying.

He text me yesterday midday, was almost his normal self. Told me he was starting to feel better , and would be coming to work today. He said he's stop by my apartment before work as he always does. He also said he's call me or text me later last night. He never called or texted and didn't come to work today. I'm concerned at this point because he is very responsible with work.he has already used all his sick time . I haven't heard from him. For him to miss work again , something more serious must be going on. This behavior from him is bizarre.

[CantTakeMySmile]

I don't know anymore. I'm so stressed, can't eat or sleep and I am at work trying to get through 1 hour at a time with out having a panic attack or breaking down and crying.

He text me yesterday midday, was almost his normal self. Told me he was starting to feel better , and would be coming to work today. He said he's stop by my apartment before work as he always does. He also said he's call me or text me later last night. He never called or texted and didn't come to work today. I'm concerned at this point because he is very responsible with work.he has already used all his sick time . I haven't heard from him. For him to miss work again , something more serious must be going on. This behavior from him is bizarre.

 

 

 

What are you concerned about? Like he got in a wreck or something?

 

 

Most likely, something came up with his wife or kids and he took care of that.

[georgia girl]

Your post illustrates why I feel like this is bad for you. While there is always a niggle or doubt in any relationship (which fades over time), the secret nature of affairs preserves that doubt. Perhaps that’s why it’s so addictive? The highs and lows? Right now, you are wondering if something simple is wrong that he is not at work, something big and/or if that something will have a detrimental impact on your relationship. I hate this for you. That is emotionally exhausting.

 

In this case, however, perhaps an outside voice can offer a little comfort. You know he and his family were all sick and his wife may be especially sick. The most logical thing is that someone - either him or an immediate family member - started feeling worse again. Try and keep calm and take it no farther than that until you know more.

 

Hugs, GG

[Lehcar1012]

Your post illustrates why I feel like this is bad for you. While there is always a niggle or doubt in any relationship (which fades over time), the secret nature of affairs preserves that doubt. Perhaps that’s why it’s so addictive? The highs and lows? Right now, you are wondering if something simple is wrong that he is not at work, something big and/or if that something will have a detrimental impact on your relationship. I hate this for you. That is emotionally exhausting.

 

In this case, however, perhaps an outside voice can offer a little comfort. You know he and his family were all sick and his wife may be especially sick. The most logical thing is that someone - either him or an immediate family member - started feeling worse again. Try and keep calm and take it no farther than that until you know more.

 

Hugs, GG

 

Thank you. I struggling right now. It's a battle between my brain and my heart. I know it's over. My heart doesn't want to accept it. . I'm struggling to keep it together at work today. My brain tells me that no matter the circumstance, if he cared or wanted to tell me what's going on, it only takes 2 seconds to send a text. . My heart tells me no there is something going on, he wouldn't do this to me. My brain tells me he's hoping I will just tell him it's over so he doesn't have to do it. My heart tells me no I asked him yesterday if he wanted to tell me anything or to just tell me that it's over. He didn't respond to those texts, but he responded to everything else. I am a confused wreck.and the most hurtful part is that he knows that I'm a wreck, because he knows me. He knows I'm waiting and wondering , he knows ....but still leaves me wondering.

Edited February 22, 2018 by Lehcar1012

[georgia girl]

The pain in your response is palpable. I am so sorry for your hurt. If I am correct in reading your response, you asked him yesterday via text if it was over/if he wanted to tell you something, but he didn’t respond? But he had been responding before that? If that’s the case, I think he may be punishing you because he has done that before - gone days not responding when you have sought reassurance from him. It doesn’t necessarily link his absence today to his non-response, though.

 

I know it’s hard but please try and distract yourself. Go see a movie tonight or go out with a friend for dinner. Delve into a project today at work that requires your concentration. You are exacerbating your own hurt by dwelling on it.

Please be kind to yourself. Give yourself a little break.

[Lehcar1012]

The pain in your response is palpable. I am so sorry for your hurt. If I am correct in reading your response, you asked him yesterday via text if it was over/if he wanted to tell you something, but he didn’t respond? But he had been responding before that? If that’s the case, I think he may be punishing you because he has done that before - gone days not responding when you have sought reassurance from him. It doesn’t necessarily link his absence today to his non-response, though.

 

I know it’s hard but please try and distract yourself. Go see a movie tonight or go out with a friend for dinner. Delve into a project today at work that requires your concentration. You are exacerbating your own hurt by dwelling on it.

Please be kind to yourself. Give yourself a little break.

Yesterday he was texting me for about an hour while he was out it was about my lunch time he knew that so I think that's why he started texting and texted me from his secret phone phone in the middle of the texting I asked him those questions he did not respond finally said I said are you still there and he said yes since he didn't respond I just continued on the texting about other thing one of the things I ask next week we both scheduled Thursday off for a one year anniversary I asked him are we still taking next Thursday off and he said yes but to the two particular questions I asked him if it's over and if there's anything he needs to tell me he did not respond

[CatMinx]

Yesterday he was texting me for about an hour while he was out it was about my lunch time he knew that so I think that's why he started texting and texted me from his secret phone phone in the middle of the texting I asked him those questions he did not respond finally said I said are you still there and he said yes since he didn't respond I just continued on the texting about other thing one of the things I ask next week we both scheduled Thursday off for a one year anniversary I asked him are we still taking next Thursday off and he said yes but to the two particular questions I asked him if it's over and if there's anything he needs to tell me he did not respond

 

Dear, you are sounding quite manic and obsessive. Perhaps it would be good to get away from your phone for a while.

[Lehcar1012]

Dear, you are sounding quite manic and obsessive. Perhaps it would be good to get away from your phone for a while.

 

You are right, I was. And that's how I was feeling. I decided to just stay away from the phone a little, and calm myself. I have been doing a little better. Now I'm just hurt and angry. He was a little more communicative yesterday, but still not answering many questions. 8 days since I have seen him. He says he's coming to work today, but I have my doubts. I know if he doesn't come to work today, we may not see each other for another 5 or 6 days. If he's not at work this morning I will go full NC. I can't live like this. He says he doesn't want to end it. He says he's so sorry . Blah blah blah.

[Adoraxx]

You are right, I was. And that's how I was feeling. I decided to just stay away from the phone a little, and calm myself. I have been doing a little better. Now I'm just hurt and angry. He was a little more communicative yesterday, but still not answering many questions. 8 days since I have seen him. He says he's coming to work today, but I have my doubts. I know if he doesn't come to work today, we may not see each other for another 5 or 6 days. If he's not at work this morning I will go full NC. I can't live like this. He says he doesn't want to end it. He says he's so sorry . Blah blah blah.

 

Do go full NC and don't give him a warning. The problem is that he still works with you (right?) so if I were you, I would try to find a new job asap. I think that's the only way out.

 

My xMM was my neighbor and it went exactly the same as you described in all your posts. Off/ on/ off/ on/ silence/ silence/ more silence/ him wanting sex and coming back with sweet words/ silence/ silence/ silence, oh wait, we even had the kidney stones & wife issue too!!!!

 

He ignored me completely when that happened and the only thing he said (when I asked what's wrong) that all he can think about is his wife. She had surgery for the kidney stones, and the very next day he was back to being flirty xMM. That's how it goes.

 

But YOU are the one who can choose how to respond. It took me many years before i was able to go NC myself, it's a very hard thing to do!!! And that's why I suggest that you find a new job asap... I know it's so painful to be in a situation like yours .

 

Stop saying that you 'will be there for him when he contacts you again because that's what friends are for'. He is not a friend. He doesn't respect you, he doesn't respect your time, he doesn't respect anything about you. Maybe he will finally have some respect for you once you have respect for yourself and go NC on him... That's what I did in the end too: I moved and went NC on him. I didn't tell him that I was going to go NC, I just went silent on him. My conclusion was that he doesn't care about explanations about 'silence' because he surely never gave ME any explanations whenever he had no need for me and whenever he didn't want to have anything to do with me.

 

Maybe you're not quite ready to go NC but the day will come that you will be. Just like that day came for me.... I still miss him so very much but in the end there was really no other option to go NC myself ...

[Lehcar1012]

Do go full NC and don't give him a warning. The problem is that he still works with you (right?) so if I were you, I would try to find a new job asap. I think that's the only way out.

 

My xMM was my neighbor and it went exactly the same as you described in all your posts. Off/ on/ off/ on/ silence/ silence/ more silence/ him wanting sex and coming back with sweet words/ silence/ silence/ silence, oh wait, we even had the kidney stones & wife issue too!!!!

 

He ignored me completely when that happened and the only thing he said (when I asked what's wrong) that all he can think about is his wife. She had surgery for the kidney stones, and the very next day he was back to being flirty xMM. That's how it goes.

 

But YOU are the one who can choose how to respond. It took me many years before i was able to go NC myself, it's a very hard thing to do!!! And that's why I suggest that you find a new job asap... I know it's so painful to be in a situation like yours .

 

Stop saying that you 'will be there for him when he contacts you again because that's what friends are for'. He is not a friend. He doesn't respect you, he doesn't respect your time, he doesn't respect anything about you. Maybe he will finally have some respect for you once you have respect for yourself and go NC on him... That's what I did in the end too: I moved and went NC on him. I didn't tell him that I was going to go NC, I just went silent on him. My conclusion was that he doesn't care about explanations about 'silence' because he surely never gave ME any explanations whenever he had no need for me and whenever he didn't want to have anything to do with me.

 

Maybe you're not quite ready to go NC but the day will come that you will be. Just like that day came for me.... I still miss him so very much but in the end there was really no other option to go NC myself ...

 

 

I think I realize now that he is not my friend. He does not care about me like I thought he did and no I don't plan to tell him it's over, I plan to go silent and let him suffer and wonder the way he has made me . And wow, he was your neighbor and went silent on You? My MM lives less than 2 miles from me and I thought that was bad .

Edited February 24, 2018 by Lehcar1012

[georgia girl]

I think all relationships which end - regardless of type - kind of reach this stage. I remember in a movie once, the couple was breaking up. They were both angry and hurt. The woman said, “I didn’t want it to end this way.” The guy responded, “They always end badly. Otherwise, they wouldn’t end.”

 

The point with that is that the ending of all relationships pretty much hurt - sometimes significantly more for one party than the other, but they hurt. It’s tough and rocky. But, relationships shouldn’t be this hard. When there is doubt and pain, it takes an equal commitment from both to fix it. If only one person is working to fix it - regardless of what he says - it’s fundamentally a very bad sign.

 

You can’t see it now, but when you are clear of this relationship, you will truly understand how badly this is ending. That doesn’t make you a bad person - it

Means that you honestly love him enough to try past your own self-preservation.

 

Try and get away from the chaos for a few hours today. Let yourself calm down. Turn your phone off or leave it at home. Pull the escape hatch for a little while again.

 

There will be a time to face all of this again, but you need a reprieve. Hugs!

[Lehcar1012]

I think all relationships which end - regardless of type - kind of reach this stage. I remember in a movie once, the couple was breaking up. They were both angry and hurt. The woman said, “I didn’t want it to end this way.” The guy responded, “They always end badly. Otherwise, they wouldn’t end.”

 

The point with that is that the ending of all relationships pretty much hurt - sometimes significantly more for one party than the other, but they hurt. It’s tough and rocky. But, relationships shouldn’t be this hard. When there is doubt and pain, it takes an equal commitment from both to fix it. If only one person is working to fix it - regardless of what he says - it’s fundamentally a very bad sign.

 

You can’t see it now, but when you are clear of this relationship, you will truly understand how badly this is ending. That doesn’t make you a bad person - it

Means that you honestly love him enough to try past your own self-preservation.

 

Try and get away from the chaos for a few hours today. Let yourself calm down. Turn your phone off or leave it at home. Pull the escape hatch for a little while again.

 

There will be a time to face all of this again, but you need a reprieve. Hugs!

 

I remember a couple weeks ago we broke up and went NC, it only lasted 2 days. But the night we broke NC he came over and we were laying together, he said "when it ends, I don't want it to end badly. I still want to be friends, call you , see how your day went. See your pretty face " I said I don't thing we ended it badly....but I know what he wants. He wants to keep the door open so he can come in and out as he pleases. I can't do it. We can't be friends after this. It's too easy to fall back into it if we remain friends.

[Adoraxx]

I think I realize now that he is not my friend. He does not care about me like I thought he did and no I don't plan to tell him it's over, I plan to go silent and let him suffer and wonder the way he has made me . And wow, he was your neighbor and went silent on You? My MM lives less than 2 miles from me and I thought that was bad .

 

Oh yes , he went silent on me all the time. Whenever he wasn't interested in me he fell off the face of the earth. It was even more torturous because he lived so nearby because I knew exactly when he had the time and opportunity to come see me, yet he simply wouldn't come. Like you said in another comment of yours: they only want to say "we're friends" to keep a foot inside the door. Not because they really see us of enough value to be their friend. Friends don't treat friends the way they treat us, let alone lovers!

 

Do you think you can move/ change jobs? It will be so much easier for you to go nc...

[Lehcar1012]

Oh yes , he went silent on me all the time. Whenever he wasn't interested in me he fell off the face of the earth. It was even more torturous because he lived so nearby because I knew exactly when he had the time and opportunity to come see me, yet he simply wouldn't come. Like you said in another comment of yours: they only want to say "we're friends" to keep a foot inside the door. Not because they really see us of enough value to be their friend. Friends don't treat friends the way they treat us, let alone lovers!

 

Do you think you can move/ change jobs? It will be so much easier for you to go nc...

 

If he does not change jobs then I will. But i suspect that he's looking for a new job as we speak. His BW has told him he needs to find another job. I suspect that he's already moving on, but does not have the guts to tell me it's over. He's a coward. This will not be easy. He's been in my.life for 5 years now...EA for 3 and a half years, PA for 1 year.

Edited February 24, 2018 by Lehcar1012

[Lehcar1012]

I'm struggling today. I'm having a hard time not crying, and I already have a few time. I'm at work, memories of him and us everywhere. This is my Friday, and the last of 4 12 hour days. I have 5 days off to grieve and let it sink in.

[Lehcar1012]

He texted me earlier. Explained what's going on. Everything that happened this week plus BW been watching him like a hawk. She checked the records of his business phone that he uses on weekends to occasionally call or text me when I can't use his secret phone. So, DDay #2 happened. She told him if he doesn't end it, she's moving out or he is. She is forcing him to find work in Calif. They are planning to move summer vacation or sooner. I'm devastated. He sent me a picture. He looks like hell. I feel horrible for my part in the damage to his life.

[Lehcar1012]

Mm had dday #2 this week, BW told him end the A or one of them is moving out. She also told him she wants them to move back to California. So he's begun looking for a job and says they plan to leave when the kids are out of school for the summer. I'm devastated. Has anyone else dealt with their AP moving out of state? And how did you cope with it? He is such a big part of my life , it is going to be a huge loss in my life.

[road]

Mm had dday #2 this week, BW told him end the A or one of them is moving out. She also told him she wants them to move back to California. So he's begun looking for a job and says they plan to leave when the kids are out of school for the summer. I'm devastated. Has anyone else dealt with their AP moving out of state? And how did you cope with it? He is such a big part of my life , it is going to be a huge loss in my life.

 

 

Standard advice given when an affair is discovered.

[georgia girl]

So, what are you going to do? Time to make a plan for yourself and decide what it is you want and go for it. Don’t put anyone or anything else first. What do YOU want for your life? You have sounded so hurt and desperate, I hope you can do this.

[anika99]

Funny how MM always blame their wives for making them have an affair and then they blame their wives for making them end the affair.

 

Frankly, having read your other thread, I think this move to California has been the plan all along and that's it's a decision your MM and his wife made together, and that your MM wants to go to California as much, if not more, than his wife does.

 

Think about it. In your other thread you said your MM told you his wife started saying he should look for a job in California after Dday 1. Then later in the same thread you said he couldn't leave his wife because she would take the kids to Pittsburgh where her family is from. So why doesn't she want to go to Pittsburgh now? When her life is in crisis? His family is in California, not hers. Just a couple of days ago she was sick with the flu and in crippling pain with possible kidney stones, now she's sleuthing telephone records and demanding that they move to MM's family and not her own?

 

I think this plan to move back to California has been in the works for awhile and it's a move your MM wants even more than his wife. I doubt that there has been a dday2, possibly not even a dday1. His wife might have suspicions but as far as I can tell he has never admitted the affair which is why he has to hide in the bathroom to talk to you. His wife doesn't know and since your MM has not confessed there has been no real dday. Moving to California is his idea but he thinks it will be less hurtful to you if he says his wife is making him move there.

[Lehcar1012]

Funny how MM always blame their wives for making them have an affair and then they blame their wives for making them end the affair.

 

Frankly, having read your other thread, I think this move to California has been the plan all along and that's it's a decision your MM and his wife made together, and that your MM wants to go to California as much, if not more, than his wife does.

 

 

Think about it. In your other thread you said your MM told you his wife started saying he should look for a job in California after Dday 1. Then later in the same thread you said he couldn't leave his wife because she would take the kids to Pittsburgh where her family is from. So why doesn't she want to go to Pittsburgh now? When her life is in crisis? His family is in California, not hers. Just a couple of days ago she was sick with the flu and in crippling pain with possible kidney stones, now she's sleuthing telephone records and demanding that they move to MM's family and not her own?

 

I think this plan to move back to California has been in the works for awhile and it's a move your MM wants even more than his wife. I doubt that there has been a dday2, possibly not even a dday1. His wife might have suspicions but as far as I can tell he has never admitted the affair which is why he has to hide in the bathroom to talk to you. His wife doesn't know and since your MM has not confessed there has been no real dday. Moving to California is his idea but he thinks it will be less hurtful to you if he says his wife is making him move there.

 

 

If you did in fact read my earlier posts, you would know that there was in fact a dday 1. My ex of 23 years went to MM house several times to give her a note telling my name, we work together and detailing the A. When she would not answer the door several times he taped the note to the door. She texted MM a picture of that note, police were involved because my ex was stalking me and MM...so yes there was a dday 1 and a dday 2 and actually this was dday 3. Dday 2 was in August when she put their sons phone in his car with location tracking and found his car at a park and ride where he left it when I picked him up and we went to my apartment. Later that day we drove up to a resort in the mountains and she also tracked his car there.so this was actually dday 3. She knows. Why would she choose to move to Calif? Because her parents own a house there, and MM and she were married there and met there and moved from there to here 10 years ago. Essentially, they are going home. Yes her parents now live in Pittsburgh, but she never lived there.

Edited February 25, 2018 by Lehcar1012

[imsosad]

She has good reason to watch him lime a hawk, if that is what's going on. It's not her being crazy, it's her being spot on and trying to understand what's going on in her marriage, as it seems MM is not being forthcoming.

While I get why you're freaking out over him moving state, I think you're missing a key factor here. He is a grown man,not a child that can be dragged against his will across the country. I agree with anika, the decision to move is probably a mutual one.

You have to gain some perspective and insight in order to start making the right decisions for YOU.

[georgia girl]

She has good reason to watch him lime a hawk, if that is what's going on. It's not her being crazy, it's her being spot on and trying to understand what's going on in her marriage, as it seems MM is not being forthcoming.

While I get why you're freaking out over him moving state, I think you're missing a key factor here. He is a grown man,not a child that can be dragged against his will across the country. I agree with anika, the decision to move is probably a mutual one.

You have to gain some perspective and insight in order to start making the right decisions for YOU.

 

Lehcar, I agree completely with this post. It’s easy to say he can’t leave because of the kids or that his wife caught him and is making him end it and move away.

He could just as easily ended his marriage. He chose to stay. Most of all, he does t want you to be angry. Guys like your MM can’t take anyone being justifiably angry with them. So, he can say whatever he wants. There is no way for you to verify it and you already know he is a good liar.

 

Develop some self-protection and stay away from him and be skeptical of anything he says. He is only protecting himself right now.

[BuddyX]

If she kicked him out do you think he’ll come to you, or run after his wife?

 

Read an interesting quote recently. “Women won’t date a guy that lives with his mom, but they will date a guy that lives with his wife”.

[anika99]

If you did in fact read my earlier posts, you would know that there was in fact a dday 1. My ex of 23 years went to MM house several times to give her a note telling my name, we work together and detailing the A. When she would not answer the door several times he taped the note to the door. She texted MM a picture of that note, police were involved because my ex was stalking me and MM...so yes there was a dday 1 and a dday 2 and actually this was dday 3. Dday 2 was in August when she put their sons phone in his car with location tracking and found his car at a park and ride where he left it when I picked him up and we went to my apartment. Later that day we drove up to a resort in the mountains and she also tracked his car there.so this was actually dday 3. She knows. Why would she choose to move to Calif? Because her parents own a house there, and MM and she were married there and met there and moved from there to here 10 years ago. Essentially, they are going home. Yes her parents now live in Pittsburgh, but she never lived there.

 

Sorry I stand corrected. I forgot about your ex telling his BW about the affair. However it doesn't seem that your MM has ever confessed and he continues to lie and gaslight his wife about everything so she is probably being driven mad by the all the suspicious behavior and deceit.

 

I still stand by my assertion that she is not forcing your MM to move to California because of the affair. I think they both want to move back and arrived at this decision together.