I want to forgive and forget so bad...

[grays]

First of all, I have to say right upfront that I'm 95% sure I will keep seeing this guy. I am disappointed in myself for that because I believe what he did was cruel af. He's playing it off like nothing happened.

 

Sooo, we met about six mos ago and until this week, there hasnt been a single day that we haven't texted. Normally we text at multiple points in the day and talk on the phone at least once. Lately we've only been able to actually see each other once or twice a week bc we both have kids and jobs and live 45 min apart.

 

Monday we were supposed to have a big ****fest because we hadn't for quite a while. But he started talking over the weekend like he was getting sick and by monday morning he was acting like he was on death's door. He came over and we just cuddled and watched tv bc he was too sick, which was totally fine w me. But I gotta say this was a total mancold situation, iykwim. But I could tell he was legit feeling crappy.

 

Thursday he goes to the doctor. We talked on the phone during the day and texted. At 7 pm I ask him what the doc said. He tells me he got antibiotics and hates taking pills. And then I didnt hear from him again until 8 am today, sunday morning.

 

His phone was 100% off the whole time, which to me is beyond the pale -- I dont think Ive had my phone off for more than a minute for years. But our normal mode of communication is via google hangouts and he can totally get on his computer to text or call.

 

Ive been losing my mind. Since our last few exchanges had been totally normal I was pretty sure he wasn't angry at me. But as time went on I was becoming more and more sure that there were only two possible explanations. -- he was catastrophically injured/dead orjust plain didn't want to be with me anymore. So I was just feeling sick to my stomach, on the edge of tears, thinking about how I was gonna face being alone again and missing him... It was awful.

 

Then this morning, this is copy/paste:

 

him: Phone bill paid, drugs wearing off and my lungs aren't burning as much. My ribs still hurt though. *..hi ms J, I miss you & it feels nice knowing you missed me, time for church

 

me: I'm happy you're alive. That was a hellish 48 hours. I was on the edge of crying the whole time. I cant believe you did that to me.

 

him: I like your crazy ass too.

 

me: I was throwing up yesterday I was so upset. *You're kinda acting like nothing happened.

 

him: Btw ms J, *wasn't trying to make you go hellishly crazy. I hate taking pills & antibiotics kick my butt

 

 

What do you guys think of this??? (I think a lot of people are gonna say he's cheating, but I actually really really think he's not.) But I do think this is fishy af. I have never in my life heard of antibiotics knocking someone out. Certainly not beyond the first day. And I truly dont think he had anything more than a common cold. I have sympathy for that. I hate colds. But in 2 1/2 days you can find a minute for a not very intense task.

 

Am I overreacting? Like, before I knew absolutely nothing was wrong, feeling scared for his safety and that our relationship was over? And then after he texted, feeling horrified by his dismissive, nonchalant, arrogant texts? And also feeling like there's some degree of lying in there?

[grays]

I am both feeling embarrassed and ashamed that Im not way more angry and like I want you guys to tell me that it wasn't a big deal and I should let it go.

[Popsicle]

I think he was really sick and the little freak out that you had was kind of uncool.

 

Ironically, I once had a guy after my divorce that I talked to all day everyday and you know what that taught me? That it's not good to talk to someone all day everyday. It creates too much of a dependence on each other and a little space is good - it creates attraction, wonderment and desire.

 

The only persons you should be talking to all day everyday are platonic friends.

[FilterCoffee]

Hey grays,

 

What he did was not cool and I would be pissed off if my gf did that to me. Hell, I would've gone to her place after 24 hours just to make sure she was ok. It's not hard to send a text message and he should've been courteous enough to do that.

 

Now was there anything more to this? It's hard to say. Antibiotics do not knock you out like that so he could be lying about it. Maybe he got scared that the relationship is moving too fast with you wanting to introduce him to your kids. But my biggest concern for you grays is that this guy is still married! Technically, you're the OW so he can drop you like a hat and begin working on his marriage. He is after all still living with her.

 

He may have just been sick and wanted some alone time but to me, there are too many variables with this guy. Please proceed with extreme caution.

[Whodatdog]

The guy is sick, on antibiotics, and you're making this all about you.

 

And for you to flip out because his phone is off? He was sick, maybe he didnt charge it. I hate to tell you this, but there are people who dont have their phones surgically attached to themselves, especially when they are sick.

[SoulCat]

If his doctor is even half decent he or she would not have prescribed antibiotics for a common cold. A cold is a viral infection and no antibiotics will help cure that in any way, shape or form as they target bacterial infections only.

So, maybe he had something else wrong with him that made him feel awful.

He may have had a bad reaction to the medication.

 

I'm allergic to penicillin and I didn't know this until I was prescribed it in the form of antibiotics for a kidney infection years ago.

I was horrendously ill for days due to the reaction I had to the meds.

There would have been absolutely no way I would have gotten up to get behind a computer or even bother with my mobile.

All I cared about for about 3 days was sleep.

 

Personally, I get that you were worried but I do find your whole freak-out and anger a little over the top.

 

His texts don't indicate arrogance or dismissal to me, just a lack of awareness of wrongdoing. And if he's been properly poorly the past few days, I can't really blame him.

[GemmaUK]

He was sick, you knew he was sick and it was only 48 hours.

 

Sorry, but I think you've massively over reacted.

[Gaeta]

If he was prescribed anti-biotics and he's saying it's not burning as much when he's breathing then he had a serious bacterial infection to his lungs. Antibiotics may not knock you out but caugh sirup will.

 

I think your reaction was exagerated. I also would never have told him that I cried. I would have told him that I was getting worried and next time I expect he'll be more sensitve toward me but admit I cried? noway!

 

Apparently this man is married and still living with his wife? This has more to do with your fear than him having a cold and laying low for 48 hours.

[lana-banana]

You turned his serious illness (however brief) into a crisis all about you and practically tried to one-up his sickness, talking about crying and vomiting and being a mess?!?! We've all freaked out before when a guy goes MIA, but your reaction was way out of line. He could have spent the night too sick or tired to care about texting anyone but you were determined to be the biggest victim.

 

It would be one thing if he'd disappeared ex nihilo, but you saw him getting progressively sicker and he told you he was feeling out of it. He's not the one who needs to apologize.

[Mrin]

I agree with lana. You've now successfully turned this to be all about you.

 

Also - the true explanation is actually in his text. He had not paid his phone bill

[purpleowl]

I agree that it could have been the phone bill. Or he was just super sick. Depending on what he was on, he may have been sleeping. Ribs hurting and lungs burning to me means a bad cough and he may have been given codeine cough medicine. He may have caught on to your "man cold" feelings and decided it was just better to go off the grid than engage.

 

I really do understand being anxious about not hearing from him-I like to hear from my husband at least every 24 hours when we are apart unless I know in advance I won't. 45 minutes is far enough to be a PIA but really is not that far so I think I would have gone over to see him if I was worried to the point of vomiting. Depending on the kid situation, dad/grandparents/friend/babysitter could watch them or they can stay alone for a few hours.

 

If it is still bothering you, you can bring it up with him when he is better in a less emotional way to let him know you were worried since he had been sick and come to an understanding of what level of communication is expected.

[grays]

Well, I guess Im a horrible gfriend and thank my lucky stars I have a man at all. I am relieved you all think Im crazy because it does actually make it feel easier to let this go.

 

I obviously dont 100% agree with you all. We had never gone more than a few hours without texting. He normally, swear to god, and I really appreciate it about him, texts me in the middle of the night when he gets up to pee. I think him still living w STBX and the relationship that they have is really hard for me, but the fact that he (normally) is constantly making it clear that he's thinking about me helps a lot. Having it all end abruptly with no explanation (and in my experience, tho I agree it looks like its not what happened here, when I've taken antibiotics theyve always made me 90% better within the first day) of course made me feel terrified he had chosen her.

 

As for the married thing -- that is definitely a big part of this. Its very hard for me to know I can't just jump in my car and check on him. He did introduce me to his wife as his girlfriend, so I do know there is some credence to his claims that they are at least somewhat broken up. I'm not at all worried that they're sleeping together (it's not impossible -- but I was married for 25 years and I get that the relationship and where they are in their relationship is complicated, I don't feel like anything that happens between them is about me) but I am worried that they are still acting like a couple in other ways. And that really bothers me because I do think there's a fair chance of him eventually just deciding to stay because its easier.

 

When I first met him he told me they were in the process of divorcing and that she didnt live there anymore but it was complicated because he and the kids lived with her parents. About two months into it he was kinda backed into a corner and admitted that she does actually still live there. Then soon after that I met her and he acted so naturally about it that I was impressed. But ever since then I've regretted not pulling her aside and really feeling her out on it. Anyway, last thing I ever wanna do is antagonize his wife because he hasn't texted me. Yuck!

 

And the only fight we've ever had before was when I fell asleep without texting him. I think I texted him about six hours later than he expected. He was PISSED and punished my ass by refusing to talk to me for like 10 hours, ended up having a four hour phone convo about how upset he was over it. (For some portion of this I was wracking my brain trying to think of what I could of done to make him do that again.)

[Popsicle]

grays, if you were smart, you'd cut loose of this guy. He's married and that's a lot of drama. You deserve more.

[grays]

grays, if you were smart, you'd cut loose of this guy. He's married and that's a lot of drama. You deserve more.

 

I agree. But that's just really hard for me to do. I dont think Ive ever felt about anyone like I do with him. In the 3 1/2 years that I've been dating he is the very first one I've tried to have a real relationship with, the first one I could see having a life with. The marriage stuff is so horrible. But when it first came up I thought I understood it because my ex and I lived together for a year after we broke up. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt bc I liked him so much.

[DKT3]

Well, I guess Im a horrible gfriend and thank my lucky stars I have a man at all. I am relieved you all think Im crazy because it does actually make it feel easier to let this go.

 

I obviously dont 100% agree with you all. We had never gone more than a few hours without texting. He normally, swear to god, and I really appreciate it about him, texts me in the middle of the night when he gets up to pee. I think him still living w STBX and the relationship that they have is really hard for me, but the fact that he (normally) is constantly making it clear that he's thinking about me helps a lot. Having it all end abruptly with no explanation (and in my experience, tho I agree it looks like its not what happened here, when I've taken antibiotics theyve always made me 90% better within the first day) of course made me feel terrified he had chosen her.

 

As for the married thing -- that is definitely a big part of this. Its very hard for me to know I can't just jump in my car and check on him. He did introduce me to his wife as his girlfriend, so I do know there is some credence to his claims that they are at least somewhat broken up. I'm not at all worried that they're sleeping together (it's not impossible -- but I was married for 25 years and I get that the relationship and where they are in their relationship is complicated, I don't feel like anything that happens between them is about me) but I am worried that they are still acting like a couple in other ways. And that really bothers me because I do think there's a fair chance of him eventually just deciding to stay because its easier.

 

When I first met him he told me they were in the process of divorcing and that she didnt live there anymore but it was complicated because he and the kids lived with her parents. About two months into it he was kinda backed into a corner and admitted that she does actually still live there. Then soon after that I met her and he acted so naturally about it that I was impressed. But ever since then I've regretted not pulling her aside and really feeling her out on it. Anyway, last thing I ever wanna do is antagonize his wife because he hasn't texted me. Yuck!

 

And the only fight we've ever had before was when I fell asleep without texting him. I think I texted him about six hours later than he expected. He was PISSED and punished my ass by refusing to talk to me for like 10 hours, ended up having a four hour phone convo about how upset he was over it. (For some portion of this I was wracking my brain trying to think of what I could of done to make him do that again.)

 

It's good that you recognize the issue, at least in part, comes from how this relationship started. These types of relationships start off with slim odds of success, however recognizing that and being honest about the real issue behind minor complications will improve the odds.

 

I will admit, I was Abit shocked that you made the leap to him cheating, but of course we don't see his actions and maybe there is more tangable reason that you can't put into words. Without that, I would say it a massive overreaction, but understandable under the circumstances.

[Popsicle]

I agree. But that's just really hard for me to do. I dont think Ive ever felt about anyone like I do with him. In the 3 1/2 years that I've been dating he is the very first one I've tried to have a real relationship with, the first one I could see having a life with.

 

But he's unavailable. Tell him to call you once he's officially divorced and lives alone. You have to retrain your mind. When you get the point where you realize that an unavailable man could never give you what an available man can, then you will move on from him.

[grays]

How many days would you all go without having any scared thoughts if your girlfriend or boyfriend that you felt very strongly about just completely stopped communication? I will say right now that 24 hours was when I hit the wall. I was fine that first night. Just figured he fell asleep without the usual goodnight. But next morning was the first time ever that I didnt get a gmorning text. By 8 am, my hackles were up a bit, but I went about my day and felt okay. At 8 pm, 25 hours since his last text, I started really feeling scared.

 

So I'm wondering. If three days is stupidly soon to get upset, would five days be too soon? If he didnt text for two weeks should I still be assuming things are fine?

[DKT3]

How many days would you all go without having any scared thoughts if your girlfriend or boyfriend that you felt very strongly about just completely stopped communication? I will say right now that 24 hours was when I hit the wall. I was fine that first night. Just figured he fell asleep without the usual goodnight. But next morning was the first time ever that I didnt get a gmorning text. By 8 am, my hackles were up a bit, but I went about my day and felt okay. At 8 pm, 25 hours since his last text, I started really feeling scared.

 

So I'm wondering. If three days is stupidly soon to get upset, would five days be too soon? If he didnt text for two weeks should I still be assuming things are fine?

 

I think under the circumstances, it's not unreasonable to go dark for 48 hrs. He was sick, you could see that with your last visit.

[Popsicle]

But he said he was sick....

[Popsicle]

And you refer to being scared. What were you scared of?

 

If you're scared that he will dump you or go back to his wife or find someone else etc., all of that is understandable being that you're involved with a married man. Solve this problem by not being with a married man anymore. And you will learn some independence too by being alone.

[DKT3]

And you refer to being scared. What were you scared of?

 

If you're scared that he will dump you or go back to his wife or find someone else etc., all of that is understandable being that you're involved with a married man. Solve this problem by not being with a married man anymore. And you will learn some independence too by being alone.

 

She did say she was concerned that he and the wife were being "A COUPLE" also I'm curious about her making that jump to him cheating. Is it a gut feeling or based on other things?

 

Either way, I agree it's far to complicated for her to be putting all her eggs in his basket.

[grays]

When I was in the ICU in august I texted everyone I knew who might worry about me. I think I was texting about two hours after they got me set up in a room. Did he not get up and pee once? I kinda think stopping at his computer and typing "Sorry ms J, Im feeling crappy and just gonna stay in bed all day," would have been all that difficult.

 

He may have been more fargone by thursday night, but thursday afternoon he was asking if he could come hang out so I really had no idea he might be THAT bad off.

 

After he left on monday I texted him and said I was proud of myself for not trying to get him undressed he said that I should've. He didn't seem that sick to me at all.

[grays]

And you refer to being scared. What were you scared of?

 

If you're scared that he will dump you or go back to his wife or find someone else etc., all of that is understandable being that you're involved with a married man. Solve this problem by not being with a married man anymore. And you will learn some independence too by being alone.

 

Exactly. I was scared that he had dumped me or gone back to his wife.

 

I am a very independent person. In the years Ive been single, this is the first time Ive really even tried to have someone in my life. And I was reallly liking it. I dont want to not have him in my life.

[Popsicle]

Exactly. I was scared that he had dumped me or gone back to his wife.

 

I am a very independent person. In the years Ive been single, this is the first time Ive really even tried to have someone in my life. And I was reallly liking it. I dont want to not have him in my life.

 

First, have you ever spent some time in the OW/OM forum?

If not, I highly recommend it. Read their threads and get to know the thread starters there. Follow them and their stories.

 

Second, it's fine to have someone in your life and I want you to have someone in your life, but not him. I want you to have a single guy in your life. Not to mention that the amount of attention he is giving you is a false reality created by him being married and being in an affair. It would not be that way in normal relationship.

[grays]

First, have you ever spent some time in the OW/OM forum?

If not, I highly recommend it. Read their threads and get to know the thread starters there. Follow them and their stories.

 

Second, it's fine to have someone in your life and I want you to have someone in your life, but not him. I want you to have a single guy in your life. Not to mention that the amount of attention he is giving you is a false reality created by him being married and being in an affair. It would not be that way in normal relationship.

 

I have read some in that forum. It scares me to death. Between reading in the om/ow forum and what I've experienced in this relationship, I've sort of come up with my line in the sand. I would not be happy and I wouldn't feel good about myself if I looked up three years from now and found myself still in this situation where he lives with his wife. I also don't think I could stand to get through another holiday season with him if he's still with her (this year on new years eve I was alone on my couch drinking, he was at his wife's family's normal nye celebration, playing poker downstairs with the guys while women and children hung out upstairs). So I decided a while back that june 1 is my drop dead day.

 

I dont need divorce papers (I could care less what the state thinks of their relationship) and I don't even need for him to actually be out of the house. But I do need a lot that's not happening now. If he actually was out of the house that would be a game changer. If he was looking at apartments, had set up his own bank account, actual positive real world steps that would make a big difference. If he was more open about that stuff with me and I felt like he was really keeping me in the loop that would help. But if I feel like we're in tjis same spot we're in now on june 1, that's a no go.

 

It's crazy because all of my friends have met him now and they love him and a couple of them have told me that we seem sweet and comfortable together. And in my little group of friends we're basically all single parents and we all bring dates around from time to time and we have joked about how we don't think anyone is good enough bc we never like each others dates/so's. He's the only one that everyone's liked. I actually think that's significant, though obviously the married thing is not ok. I just can't throw this fish back in without doing what I reasonably can to see if it can work.

Edited February 26, 2018 by grays
needed a paragraph break