I want to forgive and forget so bad...

[Popsicle]

Alright grays, june 1st, I'm gonna hold you to that.

 

And who cares if your friends like him? It means nothing. I know someone who's friends all liked her boyfriend but he was a raging drug dealer. They didn't know him from Adam.

 

Anyways, june 1st..... stay with that.... and don't tell him this date or he'll concoct some special lies to prolong it.

[grays]

Alright grays, june 1st, I'm gonna hold you to that.

 

And who cares if your friends like him? It means nothing. I know someone who's friends all liked her boyfriend but he was a raging drug dealer. They didn't know him from Adam.

 

Anyways, june 1st..... stay with that.... and don't tell him this date or he'll concoct some special lies to prolong it.

 

I havent told him about june 1 and not planning to. I don't think ultimatums usually end well. Do hold me to it! I will be pretty disappointed with myself if I get wishy washy on that. I picked 6/1 bc it gives him 9 mos (from when I met him) to get his **** together, which seems to me enough, and gives me six months to get over him and move on before the holidays are an issue again.

 

The reason I mention the friends thing is just that I think my friends really sense that we are good together. I think a lot of times when friends dont like the guy a woman brings around they are seeing him more clearly than she is.

[DKT3]

I think the June 1 date and actions you would like to see from him by then is very, very subjective. Easily moved with the slightest bit of rationalization.

 

Really, why give him so much power? Why not set some hard line goals, ones that aren't subjective? Otherwise, you will be one of these other women stuck in this cycle.

 

If he truly wants to be with you then he will make it happen on your terms or at least equal footing. Right now he has all the power. With you believing he is so amazing your allowing him to devalue you.

[grays]

I think the June 1 date and actions you would like to see from him by then is very, very subjective. Easily moved with the slightest bit of rationalization.

 

Really, why give him so much power? Why not set some hard line goals, ones that aren't subjective? Otherwise, you will be one of these other women stuck in this cycle.

 

If he truly wants to be with you then he will make it happen on your terms or at least equal footing. Right now he has all the power. With you believing he is so amazing your allowing him to devalue you.

 

I agree with you about needing a more concrete goal by june 1. But I have no idea what's gonna happen between now and then. Three weeks ago he was looking at apartments, then two weeks ago his car was totalled by a drunk driver while it was parked in front of his house, which made it impossible for him to go look at places because he didnt have transportation or know how much he was going to shell out for a new car. I think last week he went and looked at two cars but clearly if he was too sick to text me he was probably too sick to make a car happen. I'm trying to watch out for my own interests while not expecting anything unreasonable for him. Its basically 3/1 now, so he's got three months. I think that's long enough to get into an apartment, but you know, if his dad dies in march or he breaks a leg or his place of business burns down, I think I gotta take that into account. And if I see that he's out spending his money on stuff that makes no sense and then telling me he can't get out without more money, I will consider that, too.

 

So yes, needs to be more concrete but if I see real progress without any shenanigans Im pretty likely to stick with him. If I decide I need him out by 6/1 and hes signed a lease for 6/15 Im pretty likely to give up my bright line rule.

[BluesPower]

Hold on cowgirl...

 

No, no. no... What he did was completely out of line in every way. I have never been so sick that I could not text my GF.

 

And what is he saying that a Grown A&& man cannot keep his phone bill paid? It that what I am reading. No ma'am, this is not cool.

 

Let's get a couple of things straight, you are not going to ever be alone. So you need to get that crap out of your head.

 

What he did was out of line. You, and he, we have to assume, choose to be in a real relationship, and be exclusive. What he did, and the way that he is acting it totally out of line.

 

If I did not hear from my GF in 12 hours, I would drive to her house and have the cops with me to do a welfare/safety check.

 

If she did not contact me for 48 hours, she would be gone, I don't care how much I love her.

 

You are making a mistake with this guy. You should know better.

 

I am not saying he is cheating, I am not saying that he is not, I am saying that what he did was disrespectful, and shows you how much he "actually" cares for you".

 

Grays, I don't say this lightly, girl you need to cut him loose...

[JuneL]

I am very confused by the phone bill thing. Was it not a big coincidence that his phone was cut off exactly during those 2-3 days that he was supposed to be very sick? Also, I don’t think the phone company would cut off your line just because you’re a couple of days late with the bill.

 

I am more amazed that a guy would have the nerve to get a girlfriend when he is very much married and living with his wife and kids. But I guess it works because there are women out there who are willing to buy his crap.

[Gaeta]

He was PISSED and punished my ass by refusing to talk to me for like 10 hours, ended up having a four hour phone convo about how upset he was over it.

 

Really? You come out of a marriage of 25 years and THAT'S the man you pick for yourself? Would you be one of those women that thinks these types of manipulation are proof of love!

[What_Did_I_Do]

Hold on cowgirl...

 

No, no. no... What he did was completely out of line in every way. I have never been so sick that I could not text my GF.

 

And what is he saying that a Grown A&& man cannot keep his phone bill paid? It that what I am reading. No ma'am, this is not cool.

 

Let's get a couple of things straight, you are not going to ever be alone. So you need to get that crap out of your head.

 

What he did was out of line. You, and he, we have to assume, choose to be in a real relationship, and be exclusive. What he did, and the way that he is acting it totally out of line.

 

If I did not hear from my GF in 12 hours, I would drive to her house and have the cops with me to do a welfare/safety check.

 

If she did not contact me for 48 hours, she would be gone, I don't care how much I love her.

 

You are making a mistake with this guy. You should know better.

 

I am not saying he is cheating, I am not saying that he is not, I am saying that what he did was disrespectful, and shows you how much he "actually" cares for you".

 

Grays, I don't say this lightly, girl you need to cut him loose...

 

 

 

Hey Blues - Grays indicated above the boyfriend still lives with his wife.

 

That said OP, yes you overreacted a smidge BUT given the circumstances your concerns and fears go above and beyond the sick guy and unpaid phone bill (like Blues said he could have at least sent a quick text when his phone was paid/working). When he's back to good health I'd casually mention that if he ever went MIA for 48 hours on me again....it would be the last time, ever.

[BluesPower]

Hey Blues - Grays indicated above the boyfriend still lives with his wife.

 

That said OP, yes you overreacted a smidge BUT given the circumstances your concerns and fears go above and beyond the sick guy and unpaid phone bill (like Blues said he could have at least sent a quick text when his phone was paid/working). When he's back to good health I'd casually mention that if he ever went MIA for 48 hours on me again....it would be the last time, ever.

 

But if he is really "getting a divorce" she, in an "exclusive" relationship, should have every right to pop by and see WTF is up.

 

She is not and has not, over reacted in the slightest. The thing she is doing wrong is believing all of his crap. And it is just that.

 

Here is the deal. No woman, or man for that matter deserves to be treated this way. We are not talking about F buddies here. We are talking about a supposedly "exclusive, Loving relationship".

 

If a woman that I was in a relationship went dark on me for 48 hours, regardless of the excuse, she would be toast. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. She just gets ghosted.

 

And here is the reason why... I am a catch, bottom line. I am not as pretty as I used to be, but I make a great living, I'm good in the sack, and I am generally a really loving fun guy to be with.

 

Now if a woman and I fall in love, and we want to be together, you treat each other a certain way. Example, (GF and I) We both had the crud that has been going around and we both missed work, we both had to go to the doctor and get shots, it was a complete drag. Through all of that, even though we did not get to actually see each other for almost 2 weeks, we called and checked on each other every day, and texted through out the day.

 

We did this because we missed each other horrible. It was such a drag. I think this is how you feel when you are in love with someone but you can't be with them like you want to.

 

This kind of crap that G is putting up with is just that crap.

 

I will say it again, you are far, far too much of a catch to allow yourself to be treated this way.

 

It is time to ghost this guy...

[grays]

Hold on cowgirl...

 

No, no. no... What he did was completely out of line in every way. I have never been so sick that I could not text my GF.

 

And what is he saying that a Grown A&& man cannot keep his phone bill paid? It that what I am reading. No ma'am, this is not cool.

 

Let's get a couple of things straight, you are not going to ever be alone. So you need to get that crap out of your head.

 

What he did was out of line. You, and he, we have to assume, choose to be in a real relationship, and be exclusive. What he did, and the way that he is acting it totally out of line.

 

If I did not hear from my GF in 12 hours, I would drive to her house and have the cops with me to do a welfare/safety check.

 

If she did not contact me for 48 hours, she would be gone, I don't care how much I love her.

 

You are making a mistake with this guy. You should know better.

 

I am not saying he is cheating, I am not saying that he is not, I am saying that what he did was disrespectful, and shows you how much he "actually" cares for you".

 

Grays, I don't say this lightly, girl you need to cut him loose...

 

I'm not ready to be done with him, though I will say that the last few days have changed the way I'm feeling about him quite a lot.

 

I agree, Blues, that his going MIA like that was really not cool. And I am so baffled that everyone here thinks that would be fine. I keep trying to think if its really possible that there are people who wouldn't worry. I know that my guy would lose his **** if I did it to him.

 

I went salsa dancing last night, alone, and had the time of my life. And without looking for it at all ran into three different men who I just feel really good around. Not ending it with him but maybe going to start living my life more like a single person. I have this feeling with him like it's just not played out. Part of that is because he is married and I dont get enough time with him. Like, if you have 4 or 5 hours a week with someone its hard to use that time having hard conversations. We cant progress normally. Eventually Im sure Ill just get too frustrated but for now that dynamic is making me feel stuck. Maybe this week that will seem like the right way to use our little bit of time together.

[BluesPower]

I'm not ready to be done with him, though I will say that the last few days have changed the way I'm feeling about him quite a lot.

 

I agree, Blues, that his going MIA like that was really not cool. And I am so baffled that everyone here thinks that would be fine. I keep trying to think if its really possible that there are people who wouldn't worry. I know that my guy would lose his **** if I did it to him.

 

I went salsa dancing last night, alone, and had the time of my life. And without looking for it at all ran into three different men who I just feel really good around. Not ending it with him but maybe going to start living my life more like a single person. I have this feeling with him like it's just not played out. Part of that is because he is married and I dont get enough time with him. Like, if you have 4 or 5 hours a week with someone its hard to use that time having hard conversations. We cant progress normally. Eventually Im sure Ill just get too frustrated but for now that dynamic is making me feel stuck. Maybe this week that will seem like the right way to use our little bit of time together.

 

OK, I get that... but at least you have your eyes open.

 

I know you both have kids, and I get that, but 4 to 5 hours a week? I could not do that.

 

Me and GF are bummed if we don't get to see each other every third day and all or most of the weekend. And we are about the same distance you guys. And she is not at all happy if we have to go past 3 days, neither am I for that matter. But we can't live together for about another year.

 

Just keep your head on straight, and don't invest everything into this guy. I am smelling something fishy with him...

[grays]

I was somewhat reserved already and now after this weekend more reserved. He knows he ****ed up. And he's scrambling to say/do the right things but I'm not really feeling it. I am almost kinda hoping to feel excited about him when I see him because it feels kinda ****ty to lose that. I want to have that with someone and none of the other guys I've been with do that for me. OTOH, if I don't feel it, it sure will be easier to walk away.