Guys with low emotional intelligence and trouble being expressive

[mohhoss213]

My friends will admit I probably will keep to myself a little too much and encourage me to be a little more open with myself and those around me. I think maybe my high-functioning autism plays a part in this.

 

See, I don’t have very high emotional intelligence and I’m not very intuitive or instinctual to understand the emotional context or feelings behind a situation or how someone’s feeling; at least it would take a lot of breaking it down in my head before I can process and reason feelings into words or thoughts.

 

I’ve never understood intrinsically what it meant to someone, especially females, to open up to someone and let them be a part of your world. Do you think someone will accept me even though I won’t always know how to show emotional support or understanding? I don’t want someone to feel frustrated or get impatient with me….

Edited February 25, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and move to SIPWB

[carhill]

So, do you find you have productive friendships and feel your friends are loyal and authentic in their interest in and care for you? Do you feel when you do venture out and encounter your friends that you are welcomed?

 

Healthy and productive friendships are the first step along the path of successful romance. If you're late to that, or didn't get the transition from friendships to romance during peer integration, IMO it's helpful to accept that one will always likely be a little behind the group. That doesn't mean one can't be popular and well-liked, but the nuts and bolts of the group dynamic will generally be a bit ahead in life. That doesn't have to inhibit the formation and maintenance of healthy romantic relationships at all. It's just part of life and everyone being different.

 

Would you say you think relationships rather than feel them? In either case, how?

[CrazyKatLady]

Maybe if you tell them like you just did in your post...seems pretty clear to me. My problem is that I can pick up on emotional discrepancies but unless a person explicitly tells me in exact terms what they are thinking, I can not detect what is real or not...I have to have someone literally spell it out for me...it's weird even trying to explain it...for instance...someone would have to look me straight in the eye and say exactly what it is that they want from me...like, hey...I only sleep with people, or I am dating multiple people, or don't text me ever again, or....anything, pretty much.

I feel for you. But, it seems like you just pretty much stated what you would want to get across and even I understood it...so, try saying the same thing to a person you are interested in and hopefully they are understanding that you have an underlying condition-I get it. Then again, I have an issue as well. The key thing is that the person you are speaking to is someone that cares or could care about you--without that vital factor, then telling someone you like about yourself won't really make a difference, most likely. I think someone who cared about you would ultimately be understanding.

[mohhoss213]

Yeah I only have a few close friends. But, they definitely are always genuine, loyal and wish nothing but the best as far as our friendship goes. But, that's cause I've known them since middle school (I'm 26 now). They've slowly just gotten to accept and get a feel for who I am. We didn't always start off as friends. We talk a lot of smack and mess with each other; I just picked that up from being around them. lol...Yes, I do think about understanding romantic relationships and theoretically and thinking in hypotheticals. I guess my mind works like a computer that I need to understand the logical connection between big picture concepts and words. This girl I was talking to got frustrated with me the other day because of the fact she says it is tiring to have to explain things in hypotheticals as questions arise about proceeding or understanding certain relationship aspects.

[preraph]

Your language skills and getting your point across are excellent, even if you have trouble reading others. You seem to have a great sense of SELF-awareness. That said, though I know little about autism, I do understand that it is hard to read other people. I think maybe you'd do best with someone who is kind of blunt and open. May not be easy to find, but you never know. Just don't make the mistake of feeling they should know how they feel about you if you haven't been dating for some weeks or months, for example from just online interaction. You may feel it's YOU that doesn't know, but no one will know that until there's been face-to-face interaction for some time.

 

It's fine to tell someone you're getting close to that you can't read another person's thoughts and ask them to spell it out for you at times.

 

Good luck.

[mohhoss213]

Yeah that's what sucks. I think she does care. It's just I'm not the best at communicating verbally as opposed to writing things out. So, I might have a lot of pauses and be at a loss for words to where it isn't always explicit or clear what I meant to convey and that could lead to some misunderstandings. She knows about my condition, but I guess she feels like it is tiring to have to reassure me a lot and explain things multiple times cause of my mind is so theoretical and can't always connect to the bigger picture. I kinda hate that feeling that someone I thought could understand me feels stuck and doesn't feel she can develop a deep connection with me. Btw, it's a long distance thing and we just usually talk over the phone.

[mohhoss213]

Yeah I worry if there are certain aspects about the way I communicate verbally that makes it hard to have a flowing conversation and maybe discourage someone from being open with me. It's that and that I have to hear something multiple times to process it and reflect on it to start to understand a concept. It's just I feel like I'm wearing her patience out. Yeah maybe it would be better to deal with this face to face as opposed to strictly over the phone.

[littleblackheart]

Hi OP

 

I'd firstly like to tell you you're not alone in trying to navigate the emotional world without a compass! It's funny how we ASDs can have this intense, rich inner life full of emotions waiting to burst but we can't quite channel them or make sense of them. It's frustrating and confusing and overwhelming all at once.

 

I'd also like to say that the more you open up, the easier it gets. I'm 43 now with ASD, and things do get better. Your communication skills will improve with time as you learn by trial and error, and you'll still get it wrong but you'll care less! Puzzlement at the time wasted on fakeries and social rules that many like to follow will take over your confusion.

 

I really, really understand the safety net in keeping things slow on the phone / at a distance, but could this be what she may be frustrated about? She may be missing not being able to rely on reading your body language clues as she doesn't have that over the phone.

[Popsicle]

I’ve never understood intrinsically what it meant to someone, especially females, to open up to someone and let them be a part of your world. Do you think someone will accept me even though I won’t always know how to show emotional support or understanding? I don’t want someone to feel frustrated or get impatient with me….

 

Yes, they will accept you. It's not uncommon at all that guys lack emotional intelligence. In fact, I'd say it's the #1 trait that I'm looking for in a man these days, and also the trait that's the most rare and difficult to find. But this is coming from me after having lived almost half my life and been through several relationships. If you are younger, most women won't be looking so keenly for this and will go for other things, like I did when I was younger, and tolerate your lack of emotional intelligence.

 

If you really want to try to learn something, I second Carhill's advice on practicing by starting with friendships with women.

[mohhoss213]

In fact, I'd say it's the #1 trait that I'm looking for in a man these days, and also the trait that's the most rare and difficult to find

 

How does it affect you personally when a guy isn't as developed compared to most on that front? Do you think a guy could still genuinely have a deep love without his brain not necessarily being wired to be naturally perceptive to connecting feelings and thoughts?

[Popsicle]

In fact, I'd say it's the #1 trait that I'm looking for in a man these days, and also the trait that's the most rare and difficult to find

 

How does it affect you personally when a guy isn't as developed compared to most on that front? Do you think a guy could still genuinely have a deep love without his brain not necessarily being wired to be naturally perceptive to connecting feelings and thoughts?

 

Maybe but I don't really care, it's still a no-go, because more than likely, he will not be able to be in tune with a) what women need, and b)what I need, and that level of disconnect will be a dealbreaker for me.

 

But again, I'm old.