Are friend zones that bad or just a way of getting to know somebody prior to intimacy

[CptInsano]

I gave up on the friends first concept when I graduated high school. I saw the signs a little earlier, but realizing that "friends first" likely meant "friends forever", I was just ready to move on.

 

I've had several women try over the years, but to me friends also aren't exclusive, so if they wanted to take it slow I took a wait and see approach. Two of them got really angry when I found somebody who was more decisive.

 

The last one tried in 2015, but seemed irritated when I mirrored her level of commitment, or the lack thereof. I think she was indeed looking for an orbiter.

 

But in the end, there really wasn't a shortage of women who liked sex and relationships as much as I did, so I always had a choice.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Friends first doesn't work in OLD scenario.

 

It works if you meet someone at work or somewhere where you are not even thinking of them as a romantic prospect. At no point you think "he is friend zoned" or "I would/wouldn't fk him". Interaction has nothing to do with dating. Then you slowly spend time together (again not by going on dates and usually in a group setting) and your feelings start to grow because you enjoy being around them. One day you see them and you actually feel the butterflies, want to kiss them, are looking to "accidentally/on purpose" touch them

These guys don't even have to be that good looking or anything.

 

With OLD, you have to make the decision from date 1-2. Do I want to fk this stranger or at least make out? 99% of the time the answer is no. Unless they are spectacularly good looking but those guys are usually players. If you actually try to tell them that you want to be "friends first" , ha good luck with them not blocking you.

 

So yeah, one day you wake up middle aged, with all quality guys taken and your only options are to force things with a random stranger or nurse a crush on that married co-worker. Sigh.

[Jj66]

Friends first doesn't work in OLD scenario.

 

It works if you meet someone at work or somewhere where you are not even thinking of them as a romantic prospect. At no point you think "he is friend zoned" or "I would/wouldn't fk him". Interaction has nothing to do with dating. Then you slowly spend time together (again not by going on dates and usually in a group setting) and your feelings start to grow because you enjoy being around them. One day you see them and you actually feel the butterflies, want to kiss them, are looking to "accidentally/on purpose" touch them

These guys don't even have to be that good looking or anything.

 

With OLD, you have to make the decision from date 1-2. Do I want to fk this stranger or at least make out? 99% of the time the answer is no. Unless they are spectacularly good looking but those guys are usually players. If you actually try to tell them that you want to be "friends first" , ha good luck with them not blocking you.

 

So yeah, one day you wake up middle aged, with all quality guys taken and your only options are to force things with a random stranger or nurse a crush on that married co-worker. Sigh.

 

Very insightful. This is the way the world works according to what I have observed over the past 50 years.

[Chilli]

I do love romance. The steady progression into something more, as Cpt put it. The getting to know each other, the build up, the imagination, the looking forward to something..... all of that. It's gone nowadays. So sad.

 

 

Couldn't agree more pop pop nicely said.

l dunno how much of all this is just internet though l mean it's nothing like the internet in my world.

Then again l only go for a deep special kind of women and l know that too has a lot to do with it but never the less yeah . pretty damn sad these days.

[littleblackheart]

friends first, taking it slow, any other combination...Any scenario is possible if you're both on the same page and develop feelings at the same time. If it's one sided, it's going to suck no matter what label you stick on it.

[No_Go]

As some people said: it is the OLD bias - because of the 'unlimited' availability people go for immediately (3-5 dates) or never. Pretty bimodal, nothing in between. It seems like women reinforce this as much as men do: because if things do not escalate, they feel undesirable, and usually the advice is 'Don't waste your time! He's not attracted to you! Block him! Move on!' and related. Which sadly, makes the organic process of getting to know someone forced, and almost clinical...

 

In the old fashioned way - it actually works with waiting until both parties are ready. My experience with a coworker: he sort of flirted, but in a friendly way for an year or so, I started reciprocating only few months ago (I wasn't single initially, then there were other issues - HOWEVER there was always a certain level of sexual tension, it's not like initially i didn't see him as a man). Then last December it hit me like a brick... but I pulled back for another month ... so we were seeing each other on friendly one-on-one hangouts... He slowly started introducing sexual innuendos... We continued to be platonic but signs were EVERYWHERE. I couldn't wait for forever only because I'd run out of um, batteries, my body started reacting so strongly to every text of his, nothing like the forced - date 2- kiss! date 4- sex! situations where I almost feel like I was doing it out of duty, not for fun...

 

Hypothetical....Never had that experience either, but have heard it and its a common thing among some people..

 

 

I think people(esp some of the women here) are seeing it as an "all or nothing" scenario...

 

Either friend forever with the scant possibility of a chance down the road, to being in bed on the second date.....Its not all that...

 

I know of no decent guy that wouldn't wait whatever time to get to know a woman, so long as the signs are there...Maybe they make out but dont eff...Maybe there are other signals...Whatever...I don't think adults on either side wait forever..but body language is such that the guy knows where its going and there is no grey area..

 

I get it...For some reason women like orbiters...Guys who are desirable and have options, don't play that crap...They may even have orbiters themselves, but it's there or its not..Period....

 

TFY

[CptInsano]

In the old fashioned way - it actually works with waiting until both parties are ready. My experience with a coworker: he sort of flirted, but in a friendly way for an year or so, I started reciprocating only few months ago (I wasn't single initially, then there were other issues - HOWEVER there was always a certain level of sexual tension, it's not like initially i didn't see him as a man). Then last December it hit me like a brick... but I pulled back for another month ... so we were seeing each other on friendly one-on-one hangouts... He slowly started introducing sexual innuendos... We continued to be platonic but signs were EVERYWHERE. I couldn't wait for forever only because I'd run out of um, batteries, my body started reacting so strongly to every text of his, nothing like the forced - date 2- kiss! date 4- sex! situations where I almost feel like I was doing it out of duty, not for fun...

 

That's a wonderful story. IMHO it worked because you were co-workers, not friends, but flirtatious around each other. If you can keep it open and undefined, it can be quite thrilling.

 

But it means that you have to have a social circle that allows you to reconnect with the other person. Otherwise, even when connecting with strangers IRL, you have to be a little more direct. I wouldn't put all the blame on OLD.

[Shining One]

What did you want out of the arrangement?

Mostly sex, but at the very least, some sort of reciprocation. It was very much a one-sided experience.

[Shining One]

With OLD, you have to make the decision from date 1-2. Do I want to fk this stranger or at least make out? 99% of the time the answer is no. Unless they are spectacularly good looking but those guys are usually players. If you actually try to tell them that you want to be "friends first" , ha good luck with them not blocking you.

I was willing to and had tried "friends first" from OLD, several times. I never had a positive outcome from it. Eventually, I stopped accepting those terms. Perhaps if I had positive results, I would have been more open to it.

[No_Go]

That's a wonderful story. IMHO it worked because you were co-workers, not friends, but flirtatious around each other. If you can keep it open and undefined, it can be quite thrilling.

 

But it means that you have to have a social circle that allows you to reconnect with the other person. Otherwise, even when connecting with strangers IRL, you have to be a little more direct. I wouldn't put all the blame on OLD.

 

You're right - the open/undefined situation works if and only if you can see each other consistently - at work, school, social groups etc.

 

OLD in that sense is very similar to 'cold approaches' IRL... I just have nearly no experience with the latter and that's why I forgot about them but your point is totally valid.