Do you ever miss the beginning of your relationship?

[DoubleJM1]

First off, I'm new to this forum. It is a pleasure to meet everyone.

 

Here's a little background:

 

My wife and I have been together for almost 13 years, and we've been married for almost 4 of them.

 

We first met in the 6th grade. We sat next to each other in homeroom that year and, from what I remember, became good friends. We even spoke to one another about the kids we had crushes on.

 

We didn't see or speak to each other again until prom night in the 12th grade. We greeted each other in the elevator, and my date -- a girl I had a brief fling with at the time -- was standing right next to me.

 

Two years later, my now-wife and I reconnected on MySpace. We arranged an in-person meeting and began dating shortly thereafter. The rest, as they say, is history. We got married and closed on a property in 2014 and are planning to start a family this year.

 

The serendipitous nature of the beginning of our relationship, coupled with the fact that we lost our virginity to one another, gives it all a Cinderella story type of feeling.

 

Beyond that, I remember feeling as though I was dreaming. I had yearned for a long-term relationship going back to my early teens, but could never seem to land a great girl. (I had a few short flings with 3 different girls in the 2-year span before my wife and I got together.) My teenage years came to an end and, lo and behold, I finally found someone special.

 

Thirteen years and counting later, we're still happily in love. We've been through tough moments together, especially over the past 3 or 4 years, which in the end has made our relationship stronger. We now have the means to go on vacations together, which wasn't feasible the first few years into our relationship. Those intensely passionate feelings from 2005 gave way to the deep bond we enjoy today.

 

Every so often, though, I reminisce about the beginning of the relationship. I'm not sure if I am reflecting on our relationship per se or simply the feeling of being in a new relationship. Granted, we've had rough patches here and there and have sometimes slipped into a routine. But this is characteristic of all mature relationships, and we've been making a conscious effort to infuse variety so as to keep our marriage exciting (e.g., vacations, etc.).

 

Other factors made it an exciting time: (a) I transferred from a community college to a university, where I eventually changed my major to the field I work in today (b) I got my first paid job © I got close to a mutual friend of ours whom I'd attended high school with.

 

It seems no year will ever be as consequential as 2005 -- at least not until my wife and I start a family. I guess the year holds a very special place in my heart since it essentially marked my entry into young adulthood and laid the groundwork for the future.

 

Do you miss the beginning of your relationship? Do you ever reflect on it? Does it make sense why I'd feel this way?

Edited February 26, 2018 by DoubleJM1

[d0nnivain]

Do you miss the beginning of your relationship? Do you ever reflect on it? Does it make sense why I'd feel this way?

 

No. I don't miss the beginning of my relationship with DH or any other man I ever dated. I hated the uncertainly, the newness, the walking on egg shells & the wondering -- can I call him? am I being pushy? Am I going to scare him away? I prefer the solid reliability of a long term relationship where we can talk about what we did together last year, the year before, 10 years ago & the comfort from knowing that he'll be here tomorrow.

 

You are glorifying the fictional "romance" aspects of it all & trying to pretend life is a fairy tale. Yes, life is easier without responsibilities, mortgage payments & the drudgery that is "adult-ing" but I would not want to go back to the free for all of college for more than a weekend. Even then when I go to reunions, it's exhausting.

 

This is so much more peaceful & comforting.

[BaileyB]

Sometimes.

 

I don't miss the uncertainty of a new relationship, but I do miss the fun and excitement that comes with getting to know someone new and experiencing all of those "firsts..." There are times now when we say, "we haven't done anything "fun" for a while..." We are just so busy with work, and kids, and housework, and on and on... But then again, I love the fact that we are happily settled into a very comfortable relationship...

 

Someone once posted, this is the "gold" for which everyone else is searching... So, there is a lot to be thankful about to have found it.

[Peacemaker1]

Hi there,

While I don’t because my marriage seemed quite the same ever since (in a good way), I do have friends who do miss the beginning of their relationship especially those who were together from an early age. But the term they use not really “miss” as if those were the only good times but enjoy reminiscing about it and they really have something special because they were already together while still developing their maturity. It is natural to think about the good times as long as you don’t dwell too much over it and see your current situation as something worse. Marriages need to be worked on so that you can maintain your love for one another.

[RecentChange]

Oh.... We do. My husband and I reminisce about those early days.

 

I have a very different experience than some of the posters. I can't say that I felt uncertainty at the beginning. Most certainly did not feel like I was walking on eggshells - just the opposite, that I had met someone that I could be totally comfortable with - and that was such an exciting feeling!

 

So... Yes sometimes we reminisce, we will even recreate in someways....

 

Maybe he will grab me to make out as we walk down a street, and whisper in my ear "remember that one time at so and so" and we will have a moment as passionate as we did those 15 years ago.... Or we will be making love, and he will say how I look exactly the same as the day he met me.

 

We will tell each other about those little things we fell in love with during those first months, and sharing the memory together will often bring a flood of the same emotions again.

 

The first of everything was special, and it will never be those firsts again - but I enjoy reminiscing, and telling each other about how wild and crazy we were to have found each other.

[kenji_t]

I'm not sure...

 

I started dating my wife while we were both in college.

 

Not sure if I miss the relationship start, or if I miss college days, all the fun and stuff...but I hated the subjects and not being financially independent heh...

[central]

The first 6 months were both exciting and filled with uncertainty. The year or so after that, as things stabilized, things were fantastic. Now - 18 years later - they are still fantastic, but a little less intense. We're one of the lucky couples where the excitement didn't disappear.

[DoubleJM1]

Do you ever miss the little things -- love notes and so on -- that your partner did at the beginning of your relationship but doesn't do as often anymore?

 

My wife and I are both 32. When we first hooked up, I had just turned 20 and she was 19.

 

In recent weeks, I've looked at stuff she has given me over the years, including the first Christmas/Valentine's Day cards she ever gave me and MySpace messages we exchanged the year we met (which I saved to my computer a few years back).

 

I couldn't help but notice how romantic she was back then. She poured her heart into every message, saying how she missed me, couldn't stop thinking of me, etc.

 

Granted, we were much younger back then -- college students with hardly a care in the world. We only saw each other once or twice a week. Now, we live together and work full time. (She has a stressful job as a middle school teacher.)

 

I compared the card she gave me for Valentine's Day this month with cards she gave me in 2005-2006 and, man, what a difference. While the message in the former was still really nice, it just wasn't as heartfelt as the kind of messages she wrote at the very beginning. It didn't feel like she put in nearly as much effort.

 

I was so surprised that I brought it to her attention. While at first she bridled at me, she soon conceded that, yes, she didn't express herself nearly as well as she has in the past. She said that she wasn't feeling that great when she wrote it. I gave her the benefit of the doubt, but I still felt a little let down.

 

I think it can be easy for couples to stop doing the little things once they (1) have been together a long time (2) live together and/or (3) get really comfortable in the relationship. You might even take each other for granted at times.

 

While I know she still expresses her love in other ways (cooking, coming up to me occasionally for a hug, etc.), I guess I miss getting a text every now and then from her saying she loves me and that I mean the world to her. You know, little gestures like that.

 

I suppose social media is also partly to blame. We're both on Facebook and often tag each other in cutesy animal videos and funny memes. While I enjoy exchanging them, it's not the same as sitting down and taking the time to write a loving message.

 

Since getting married, we've been doing a lot of traveling, which we didn't have the time or resources to do as broke college students. I suppose I can think of sharing new experiences (e.g., vacations, walking tours, museums, etc.) as our way of expressing our love for one another at this stage.

 

Still, I continue to do the little things for her (surprise her with flowers every now and then, etc.) I just feel as though the "romantic" in her has faded a little over the years.

 

Have you experienced this in your relationship? Is it just part and parcel of being in a mature relationship?

Edited February 28, 2018 by DoubleJM1

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Have you read The 5 Love Languages? If not, I recommend it for you

[4fin]

There is no doubt I miss the beginning. Falling in love is intoxicating. It was the only time in our relationship I felt my wife desired me as much as I desired her. Sex although not as good as it is today was frequent and spontaneous. It was not only daily but it was multiple times a day. What we did was more varied than what we do now. At the time I didn't know this was normal since all I ever had was 3 other serious relationships in the 1-2 year range. I have many friends who married during this period (I call it the honeymoon phase) and now they feel like they were duped when there sex life declined down to whatever the partner with the lowest drive feels comfortable with.

That said I like where I am now to. My wife just hit 40 which was distressing for her but 2 kids and 18 years later she is even more beautiful than she was. You don't know what you have until 10-15 years later any way. The beginning is the easy part. The tough times come later but I really got lucky. Beautiful doesn't do it for me anymore even though I have that box checked. I am still getting to know and learn more about my wife. There's a depth and richness that I don't think is common. On top of that she's a great mother. I kind of hit the power ball with her. I know that now but I do miss the days of figuring out exactly what I have.

[Els]

I don't "miss" it per se, in the sense of wanting to go back to it. Our relationship is far stronger now after all these years, we are much more mature people in general, and we have gotten to a place that we are very happy with in our lives. In the early days, there wasn't uncertainty in the sense of doubting our feelings for each other, but there was the prospect of long distance and being poor students and being young adults just coming out into the world to cope with... all of which made for a somewhat difficult time in general.

 

I do have fond memories and we do reminisce about it though. That's the beauty of memories, you can take the good and leave the bad. The visits during our LDR in particular, they were the stuff that romance stories are made of. Setting aside a couple of weeks to just focus on one another, the thrill of a new relationship, the excitement of learning so many new things about yourself and them.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I hate dating and the beginning of a relationship. Too much uncertainity and you never even know if the person is going to be there tomorrow. I wish I could fast forward that and get to the comfortable stage...

[rickwman]

I've been married for over 35 years and have 8 children. Over the past several years, my wife has pointed out to me that I have become more open in expressing my thoughts towards her, i.e. describing how pretty she is. I've always loved my wife; respected her. She is my best friend and would give my life for her. There are many things that I use to do for her, cards, etc. that I don't do anymore, and visa versa. We both know and understands this. Does this mean I don't love her? NO! People do change but I feel you are majoring on minors. The important things in a marriage is understanding each others expectations, honoring, loving each other, preferring one another, sacrificing for each other. Those are the things that really count.

[wmacbride]

I admit I miss the easiness of our early relationship, but that's all tied up in other factors like not being parents of special needs kids, not having to worry about their future, etc.

 

Mind you, we are lucky in that we continue to learn new things about one another. That can be very exciting. Along with this, some of the "highs" of the new relationship have been been replaced with the highs of seeing how our kids have been able to succeed.

 

We've been married over 20 years, and we are just at the start of our adventure together.

[wmacbride]

I've been married for over 35 years and have 8 children. Over the past several years, my wife has pointed out to me that I have become more open in expressing my thoughts towards her, i.e. describing how pretty she is. I've always loved my wife; respected her. She is my best friend and would give my life for her. There are many things that I use to do for her, cards, etc. that I don't do anymore, and visa versa. We both know and understands this. Does this mean I don't love her? NO! People do change but I feel you are majoring on minors. The important things in a marriage is understanding each others expectations, honoring, loving each other, preferring one another, sacrificing for each other. Those are the things that really count.

 

This post is very wise.

 

We've been married over 20 years and have 3 kids, two of whom are on the cusp of adulthood.

 

I admit there was a time when I missed the little touches of love, I think because I had lost sight of the bigger picture of how my spouse was showing us in a huge way how much he valued me/ our fmaily. Each day, he was going to work at a job that took a huge toll on him physically and emotionally. He was putting us first.

 

I'm not saying that I wouldn't still like to get the "words of love", but one thing I have learned is that words are cheap while action is dear.

[Woggle]

Not when we first met because honestly I was a mess back then but I do sometimes miss when we lived in NJ. I do think all together we have a much stronger relationship now and I am a much healthier person.

[DoubleJM1]

I don't "miss" it per se, in the sense of wanting to go back to it. Our relationship is far stronger now after all these years, we are much more mature people in general, and we have gotten to a place that we are very happy with in our lives. In the early days, there wasn't uncertainty in the sense of doubting our feelings for each other, but there was the prospect of long distance and being poor students and being young adults just coming out into the world to cope with... all of which made for a somewhat difficult time in general.

 

I do have fond memories and we do reminisce about it though. That's the beauty of memories, you can take the good and leave the bad. The visits during our LDR in particular, they were the stuff that romance stories are made of. Setting aside a couple of weeks to just focus on one another, the thrill of a new relationship, the excitement of learning so many new things about yourself and them.

 

Wow, this could also describe my relationship perfectly --except for the LDR part.

[d0nnivain]

No because my husband got better at the little things as the years have gone by.

 

 

Nobody can keep up the fairy tale 24/7/365 for a lifetime but there should still be romance. If there is something you want but are not getting speak up. If she gives you a reason she's not as romantic -- probably exhaustion from running a household -- do something to give her more time & viola you may get your romance back.

[alsudduth]

My H and I got together even younger than you guys, OP (I was just about 16, he just about 19) In the beginning, I loved him so much that I didn't care to see that he didn't feel the same. (Or at least that is my perspective) I think he settled with me as much as I realized later that I settled for him.

 

It took many years of happy times, horrible times, and downright heartbreaking times all rolled together for us to realize that we in fact DO love each other more than any other person (outside of our kids), and that spurred much change in both of us. I wouldn't say I love him less than I did when we first got together, but together we wised up to what REAL love is, and what it means to really love someone. It's a different love than initial love stages, a wiser love, a more protected love and I prefer it so much more to the young, carefree love.

[BaileyB]

Considering that this is the second post you have made lamenting the fact that you feel your partner has changed and you are not feeling the love you felt early in the relationship, I'm starting to think that you are really unhappy with your marriage.

 

Of course, people grow up and relationships mature. That kind of excitement and romance can not be sustained long term... Some people are never particularly affectionate of expressive.

 

I guess the question is, why is this bothering you such that you are questioning your relationship? Is this relationship still meeting your needs and are you still in love with your partner?

 

And I would ask, if you feel something is missing... what can you do to bring the love and appreciation back to the relationship? How can you make it fun and exciting again?

Edited February 28, 2018 by BaileyB

[Be_Strong]

“I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good ole days before you’ve actually left them.” — Andy Bernard.

[Sugarkane]

I absolutely miss it. I didn't have the financial, custody/ in law problems that I now have. We weren't stuck living in a small apartment, constantly arguing.

[Be_Strong]

My advice is to stop reflecting on the past, and instead, start focusing on making awesome memories in the present, so that ten years from now you’ll be remembering how great your year was in 2018.

 

Imagine yourself as a grandfather telling stories to your grandchildren about the cool things you did when you were younger. What would be good stories to tell? Guess what? You’re still young enough to do any of those things so get out and start making those stories come to life.

[DoubleJM1]

 

I guess the question is, why is this bothering you such that you are questioning your relationship? Is this relationship still meeting your needs and are you still in love with your partner?

 

And I would ask, if you feel something is missing... what can you do to bring the love and appreciation back to the relationship? How can you make it fun and exciting again?

 

I'm not sure if it's so much about my relationship or how I felt during the time we got together. This may be a simple case of nostalgia.

 

2005 was a milestone year for me:

 

- My first real relationship: After struggling through my teen years to hook up with someone worthwhile, I had suddenly and serendipitously entered into a relationship just a few days after my 20th birthday -- with an old friend from middle school (my wife) no less! I felt as if I were walking on air. What a wonderful way to kiss my teens goodbye. We lost our virginity to each other five months into the relationship.

 

- I earned my associate's and transferred to a university to complete my upper level courses: Even though I was a commuter student, I loved studying and getting good grades. College was so different from high school. That first taste of freedom was indescribable. In October 2005, I switched from accounting to marketing, the field I work in to this day. Once I graduated in 2007 and shifted to the 9-5 grind, it took a while for me to adjust.

 

- I took my first paid (part-time job): Because of my demanding workload in college, I didn't start working until June of that year. Getting paid for the first time was also a great feeling.

 

- Closer relationships with friends/relatives: Distance, shifting priorities, and other lifestyle changes have caused us to grow apart over the years.

 

- Life was more carefree: Didn't have to worry as much about health issues, bills, etc.

 

In many ways, life is better now than it was then: more money saved up, traveling, my wife and I have our own place and privacy, we're more health-conscious, etc. And we've gone through a lot in recent years that has made us stronger.

 

We also look forward to trying to have a kid this year, though my wife isn't sure she'll be able to given her age (32) and a host of health issues she has (high blood pressure, PCOS, thyroidism). We're still going to try and hope for the best.

 

I guess that as one gets older, the virtually limitless possibilities that once lay on the horizon aren't quite there anymore. In 2005, I felt I was on top of the world. The future seemed uncertain -- I wasn't sure if my wife and I would last or what my career prospects were -- but that's what made it exciting. The decisions I made then laid the groundwork for the life I have today (partner and career).

 

I always wonder if I'll ever experience another watershed year like 2005. Come to think of it, 2014 was a close second -- we got married, closed on our condo, traveled by plane for the first time, and saw snow for the first time that year.

 

I like to think the year we have our child (God willing) will be the next big year.

Edited March 1, 2018 by DoubleJM1

[Els]

If it's romance and honeymoon feelings that you're after, it's EXTREMELY unlikely that having a child will help with that, especially not in the first year! In fact, generally couples report a significant dip in romance when they have young children. This isn't to say it isn't worth it or that you shouldn't have kids, just something to be aware of.