Wife destroying marriage & family___Update

[WorstFeelingEver]

***9 Month Update***

 

Hey everyone, I have been around, but just as a ghost, checking on other threads, posting a few. I have been busy, but wanted to post an update.

 

STBX and I are in the middle of a divorce. We are all still living under the same martial roof. "D" was filed in September. STBX affair is over with MM, though they still work with each other, but I have a feeling he was busted about affair, (haven't heard from him or his wife), but AP & her no longer talk, hang out outside of work. STBX is home every night, even when I have my parenting time with our kids, she has opportunities after work to go out, but chooses to come home. (several times, I am at home with kids watching a movie or hanging out and she comes home, unexpectedly). STBX has gone out maybe 3 times since divorce was filed in Sept. and is home usually by 7pm. She went to a friends house for SuperBowl, I had friends at my house for SB. As soon as SB was over, my friends left, I was putting kids to bed & she came home. Other then that, when she is not working, she is home or spending time with her coach.

 

She still does not have anything for me, still wants to proceed with "D". She is being coached by her sister, who has been divorced 3 times. They are together all the time, almost EOW. I know how her sister works the game. (from previous relationships).

 

At the beginning of the divorce, I was still going through all the emotions, in denial, became angry toward her__calling her out on her emotional affair, saying MM would not leave his wife/family for her. A couple times, our kids sometimes over heard our arguments. STBX took evidence to her lawyer, I almost had a RO. My attorney told me to tame it down, as I am on the border of a RO & getting removed from my house, from STBX lawyer.

 

Since then, I have calmed down a lot. I have been social with her, (about co-parenting, bills, house issues, pets, etc..to a point) spend more time with my kids. I have multiple thousands of $ in lawyer fees, & only had 2 court dates ("status" checks with Judge), still working out crap. Their 1st Proposed MSA from her was ridiculous, she wants high payments of SS for 14 years, CC for kids until they reach 18 AND she wants 1/2 bank accounts, & 1/2 equity from sale of house___while she keeps her 401K, penision, yada, yada, yada.... I calculated and after everything, I would not be able to eat a happy meal from McDonalds. This is what is holding us up in lawyer fees, court, etc,...

 

So, anyway, I have been reading other threads, and came across someone saying that experiencing a death would be better then a divorce, & it is so true, as a death, you would not have to see the person again. I still have good days & bad days. Night time & 1st thing in morning, are the worst, as I tend to reach for STBX in bed, middle of night, to pull her close to me & the only thing I grab is blankets. In the morning, I don't see her next to me peacefully sleeping. This is the hardest thing I have ever been through and do not wish this on anyone, including enemies.

 

But after almost 12 months of this, I can feel that I am getting a little better every day. I don't have resentment, don't have anger, just taking it day by day. I have accepted that I have been rejected (again) & that I failed in my marriage. I cannot control STBX decision or the situation. I spend as much time I can with my kids, as they are my top priority, as the kids stage will not last forever.

[Cephalopod]

Let her go. Start the 180. Have you read on that yet?

 

 

 

 

 

 

So many on here are at a loss at what to do with a WS who is

fence sitting, cake-eating, ignoring boundaries, still seeing and/or contacting the other person, etc...

 

Many BS's are urged to go No Contact with their WS after ALL ELSE has failed.

 

 

This 180 list may help.

--------------------------

 

 

For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow him/her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say "I Love You".

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.

23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

 

 

2 things to think about if you do this:

 

1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.

 

2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.

Edited February 26, 2018 by Cephalopod

[WorstFeelingEver]

I am letting her go. I tried to save my marriage, at least for our kids, but she has nothing for me after she had an emotional (possibly physical) affair with a MM. I know she is feeling guilty, this is why she is acting this way toward me. She has completely change how she dresses, acts, different hair style, a dozen brand new shoes/boots, new outfits/clothes, etc... the last 24 years I have known her, She has never dressed like she does today, She is still trying for MM attention at her work, but I told her, he will not leave his wife, even if he does, his wife will take everything of his, (pension, 401K, savings, car, house, etc..) including seeing his child EOW. But I think she is still trying. I told her, Good luck with that.

 

I have read & have been following the 180. I am following most of these to a "T", except at first, I did fail #1, #3, #11, but immediately stopped, when I found this site. (Also, failed #21, but stopped, after lawyer advise). I also had anger for a while, but after the stages & accepting my failures, I have stopped. I am still at times, cold to her as she has hurt me, after 22 years together, this is how she treats me. Also, I have noticed, that STBX seems to be following the 180, as she is in return doing the same things from list to me. STBX is being coached from her sister, as her sis has been divorced 3 times (& trying to persuade her current boyfriend into marriage for#4____STBX sis has codependency issues).

 

It is just hard, especially still living, under the same roof. But, I am focusing on me and my kids at this time. Trying to do things with them that cost money, because I sure wont have any $ after the divorce is final, from attorney fees, SS, & CS. I guess I should buy a tent from Walmart and see if I can camp out in there parking lot in a few months.

[S2B]

Why can't you sell the house and receive half of the proceeds? That would allow you to live in your own place and not have her around.

 

Don't think she's not meeting up with him while she's at work - it's the place they can meet without his wife seeing them together... that's why she's dressing up (for him). She probably doesn't care if he doesn't divorce - she will take the crumbs he gives her... most OW will.

 

Try to sell and move - then you can move forward and let the divorce be finalized.