Oh boy, Where to even begin? Horrible, toxic marriage

[Bunny202]

Just as the title states, I don't even know where to begin.

 

I've posted on here about my marriage before. We were in a long distance marriage for years due to jobs and school but recently moved in together. Bad move. Things still haven't improved. In fact, things are worse than ever.

 

We have been married 8 years and have been together for 10.

 

In the beginning, my husband was very loving, romantic and affectionate. Over the last few years however, he's become very nasty and disrespectful. He often calls me awful names (like the horrible b and c word!). He throws things sometimes when angry and has threatened to slap and/or punch me on several occasions during his fits of rage. He has a horrible temper. Really bad. Yes, I am afraid of him. It seems he's always had a bad temper from what his family and friends say. I did not see it in the beginning. Anyway, he is a very aggressive, emotional person with anger issues. He often puts me down (I'm pathetic, stupid, fat, and he's the best I could ever do, blah, blah,).

 

There has also been infidelity. He had an affair about 4 or 5 years ago that went on for months. This left me devastated and he even threw the affair in my face when we'd argue. I felt humiliated and hurt. I vowed to get revenge (should have just left but I did love him). Two years later I had an emotional affair. Never slept with the guy but we got very close (going out on dates, talking all the time on the phone,etc). Husband found out and asked me to end it. I agreed and we decided to work on our relationship. Things were good for a while (maybe a few months) then we started arguing again about everything.

 

Aside from that, without getting into detail because I don't want to violate any rules, a major problem is that he is into let's say "unique" sexual activities (I think this stems from him watching porn). I hate participating in these activities but he gets very angry every time I tell him I don't want to do these things. I end up feeling bad about myself and humiliated each time. The things he's into in this regard are just NOT for me. I hate it and sick of forcing myself to do things I don't want to do in order to "keep the peace".

 

He does have his good points. He can be generous and affectionate but unfortunately, things are more bad than good most of the time.

 

I'm just so unhappy but then I think about how I'm now in my early 30's and don't even have a child yet. If we get divorced, maybe he is right, maybe no one will want to be with me or perhaps If I do find someone, I'll be too old to have children by then.

 

 

I think being single and happy (somewhat) has to be better than being in a toxic marriage but I'm scared to start over.

 

This is not good for me though. My mental and physical health are on the decline. I feel that I will have a nervous breakdown soon and I also have very high blood pressure and constant headaches these days. When I went to the doctor, he asked me if I'm under stress (of course I lied and said I wasn't under any unusual stress).

 

He's very vengeful and petty. He likes to embarrass and humilate me. What if he tells his family/friends (whom he tells everything too) things about me that are embarrassing and humiliating? I'm afraid but I know this toxic situation is not healthy.

[sac555]

Dear Op,

Wow...I am so sorry, but do you really want this to continue without addressing him? I wouldn't be doing the sex stuff I didn't want to and he shouldn't make you. He sounds so mean, so don't let that devalue you! He is not being loving in any way it sounds...would he consider any marriage counseling? I hope it all works out because marriage is worth saving, but this doesn't sound like any marriage you'd agree to enter! You sound like you are scared, and honestly, maybe you could call a counselor or something. Google counselors that you could call for free advise. I know there are a few based out of Colorado. Don't let him make you feel unworthy! You are valued, have a place in this life and adored by God. And...He has a plan for your life! Start believing in yourself ! You are loved!

[darkbloom]

Can I ask why you married him in the first place? You saw the red flags and ignored them. Most of your relationship could be described as poor and the good times seem far and few between. Who cares if he tells your family? Being embarrassed as to be better than being miserable and verbally abused. You’re playing victim in a situation you are voluntarily a part of. Get out now. There is true happiness out there and no one deserves the treatment you’ve described.

[Zahara]

You posted this in 2010 -- "Being married does make it all more complicated. His attitude really sucks lately and I'm not feeling good about the relationship right now, but I feel like I can't just give up so soon. I don't want to become another divorce statistic, so i'm gonna try to make it work, but I feel kind of stuck right now.

 

*sigh*

 

I really should have given this more thought."

 

_______________________________________

 

It's now 2018, and you're in an even worse situation.

 

Stop wasting your years. You're in your early 30s. Anymore of this and you'll be 50 wondering what the heck happened.

 

As for him telling you no one will want you -- that's just how abusers diminish you into believing you're nothing so you'll stick with them. They break your self-esteem and in time the abused starts thinking exactly the way you do. That you're good for nothing and don't deserve any better. That there is nothing for you out there and he's better than nothing.

 

Anything is better than the hell this jerk puts you through.