No More Revenge

[Misty]

It appears that this post has opened a can of worms which was never the intention of this writer. The capital punishment issue raised by Ed is also one of the most controversial issues in society. It was one which was hotly debated in my political science class in college.

 

However, having said that, this is still a forum for love advice,and it is so true - everyone deals with pain in his/her own way.

 

I do want each of us who have replied to this topic to examine their own hearts,and particulary those who said they "never" wanted revenge for something someone did to hurt them. Oh yes, we are to forgive others, but, I wonder how each of you would react and feel if a loved one or a good friend was lost in the Oklahoma City Bombing? Would all those families who bereaved the loss be told how immature, pathetic and sick they are because they wanted justice for Timothy McVeigh? I refer to this incident because Tony brought it up earlier. No, I think each and everyone of us who witnessed the horror of this senseless tradegy wanted fairness and justice done in this situation.

 

Would any of us point the finger at those who lost someone they dearly loved and criticize them during their time of pain and hurt for wanting revenge on the monster who caused this tragedy? I think not.

 

Tony also made the comment and even blamed me for allowing myself to be mistreated by this man. Excuse me - in the same vein, did any of the victims of the UnaBomber,or Timothy McVeigh deserve the treatment they received? And neither did I deserve the treatment which I received either.

 

I was lied to deceived,abandoned and somewhat victimized. And why? Because I dared to open my heart to love someone. Now, I'm back at square one, not knowing whether I can ever trust another man again, but desperately wanting to.

 

So, if you think what I did was sick and pathetic and immature, then you are entitled to your pious opinions. What was done to me was sicker.

 

Anyway, carry on.

[Miss Mojo]

hi misty,

 

i agree with the point made by you and ed in relation to revenge and crime, and the fact that this topic has opened up a can of worms. i think someone should be punished for pre-meditated cold-blooded acts against people. that's why i believe in justice - timothy mcveigh is a danger to society, he needs to reprimanded for it.....i just don't believe that in relationships, the other person (99%) of the time is a danger to society or anyone else except themselves and their very lonely future.

 

the only point i was making, is that i can't be bothered with revenge on a *guy*. i have been deeply hurt and abused in relationships, but revenge for me would only drag out something even longer, when i would rather just put it behind me.

 

i think when tony said you allowed yourself to be treated like this, he meant that you knew how this guy was treating you, yet you let him keep doing it....quite different from some people who aren't even aware a bomb is planted near them and about to go off. if they knew there was a bomb there, they wouldn't have set foot near it. anyway....i'm off on a tangent and that's a whole different story.

 

i understand what it's like to fear that you will never trust a guy again. it's heartbreaking that you can let one person affect your view of so many, many others out there. i've been there before with my first boyfriend, king pigdog. but you will trust again, especially when you can walk away from a relationship knowing that this guy has done you a favour and allowed you to move on to someone that he will never, ever be. it's his loss if he's going to be a pig to women, and your gain that you don't have to do anything to do with him anymore. his personality is probably the best revenge.

[Tony T]

When I was a child, yes, I liked to get back at people here and there...but it was selective. I was immature, irresponsible and, not realizing life was finite, I didn't see taking revenge as a waste of time.

 

As I have grown up, I have realized that puttings others in any kind of pain to get back at them does absolutely nothing for me. And I'm not about to spend a lot of energy to exact revenge for a fleeting moment of that "gotcha" feeling. That's pretty stupid.

 

Buy it's a free world. For those who have lots of time and don't want to take responsibility for what happens to them, let them seek revenge if it really does something for them.

 

Each act of revenge makes the world a more petty place, puts humans a notch lower in evolution, and takes time that could be better used visiting an elderly person who is lonely, spending time with dying children at a cancer hospital, taking food to a poor family, calling a friend you haven't talked to in a long time, cleaning debris in a blighted area, taking old books and donating them to a library, etc.

 

The next time you get screwed over, go do something nice for somebody.

[Pamela]

PERSONAL VERSES COLLECTIVE TRAGEDIES

 

In this world there are two disticive types of tragedies. I call them personal and collective tragedies. Personal tragedies deal with things from the loss of a loved one, the failure to succeed in a career, and the break-up or abuse in a relationship. Collective tragedies deal with more global issues such as earthquake or hurricane damage, starvation, the effects of a war, collective poverty, ect.

 

It never ceaces to amaze me how people put "tragedies" in an order of importance, and usually the "hurt-badly-by-the-exboyfriend", what I call a personal tragedy, gets put into last place of importance or significance when it comes to talking about tragedies. Even more humiliating is that this type of tragedy is minimalized by people.

 

I find that "personal tragedies" are far more accute, painful and isolating than "collective tragedies" because your pain is often isolating. In collective tragedies the accuteness of the individual suffering is lessened because we are not alone in the suffering. You suffer together with other people who are all in the same position as you, so there is alot more support for you.

 

I think it is unfair for people to minimalize the suffering, or make comparisons of people in personal and collective tragedies

 

Here Tony cites examples of trying to tell us to minimalize our individual "tragedies" and to look at the more unfortunate,"collective" ones.

 

.....spending time

with dying children at a cancer hospital,

 

At least those dying children are not dying alone. They have way more emotional support than a woman who has been crying all night because her boyfriend left her.

 

....taking

food to a poor family

 

At least the poor family is not starving alone. They have each other.

 

The pain of someone suffering a personal tragedy is not lessened by looking at collective tragedies and saying, "Look at how unfortunate those people are, ect. Gee I am so lucky I am not in their place."

 

Instead, their pain is often heightened more because they feel more isolated and alone. Sometimes I say to myself that I would rather suffer the damages of an earthquake or an epidemic than face the pain and hurt that I have gone thru over love.

 

I am with you all the way Misty. I understand the pain you went thru and sympathize.