AlmostHappy Posted February 27, 2018 Share Posted February 27, 2018 Firstly, My husband and I have been together almost 13 years and married 10 years. We have 2 children, an almost 7 year old and almost 4 year old. My husband has always had a short fuse and temper, but I never anticipated how his temper would be after we had kids. We have discussed his temper and he brushes it off as something that he is genetically disposed to having. His father has a short fuse, all his uncles do etc. I feel like that is just an excuse in a lot of ways, but I am supportive of him and truly want to help him any way that I can. He does say that he doesn't want his kids to grow up in the environment that he did, but at the same time does nothing to change it. Recently we have noticed that our son (7 year old) is quite anxious and struggles at times with dealing with his anxiety. My husband has the hardest time with his temper in regards to the kids. Now if you have anxiety, you understand that an anxious person/child and a person with a short fuse don't exactly make for a pleasant mix. My husband loses his patience often and definitely does when our son shows his anxiety and reacts not only negatively, but also with anger. I plan to discuss anger management with him, but am not sure how to handle if he just shrugs it off. I can't force someone to make the effort, but at the same time I don't think it's healthy for the kids to always feel like we walk on egg shells. How can I help my family be whole and functional? Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted February 27, 2018 Share Posted February 27, 2018 I was raised with an angry stepfather who would often lose his temper and I also developed anxiety and felt nervous and stressed any time he was around me. I wish my mother had left him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AlmostHappy Posted February 27, 2018 Author Share Posted February 27, 2018 I was raised with an angry stepfather who would often lose his temper and I also developed anxiety and felt nervous and stressed any time he was around me. I wish my mother had left him. I have an anxiety disorder among other conditions. My husband isn't always angry, but it's like if he's in a mood we have to just avoid him. This morning he got upset he couldn't find underwear, it was 5am and woke me up being loud. I'm concerned because if our son is already anxious at 7, what will happen in years to come. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 27, 2018 Share Posted February 27, 2018 What will happen in years to come? Your son will be at a high risk of PTSD, anger issues as well as anxiety. Yes, PTSD can and does happen due to a traumatic home life. The thing about his father and uncles being this way....your husband is doing this as a learned behaviour. All the modelling we see when growing up leaves an imprint. I doubt it's genetic, but he doesn't know any other way to deal with stress and frustration. If this stays the same, you boys will follow in his footsteps and your daughters will think that it's OK to be with a man who behaves like this. If your husband brushes off the suggestion of anger management therapy, the only way you can make change is to be seriously prepared to leave. Your husband gets an ultimatum: make changes or lose the marriage. I know you don't want to leave the marriage, but you owe it to your children to raise them in a way which won't see them get broken by his behaviour. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AlmostHappy Posted February 27, 2018 Author Share Posted February 27, 2018 What will happen in years to come? Your son will be at a high risk of PTSD, anger issues as well as anxiety. Yes, PTSD can and does happen due to a traumatic home life. The thing about his father and uncles being this way....your husband is doing this as a learned behaviour. All the modelling we see when growing up leaves an imprint. I doubt it's genetic, but he doesn't know any other way to deal with stress and frustration. If this stays the same, you boys will follow in his footsteps and your daughters will think that it's OK to be with a man who behaves like this. If your husband brushes off the suggestion of anger management therapy, the only way you can make change is to be seriously prepared to leave. Your husband gets an ultimatum: make changes or lose the marriage. I know you don't want to leave the marriage, but you owe it to your children to raise them in a way which won't see them get broken by his behaviour. Sadly your right. I love my husband so much and he is a decent guy and good provider, but I refuse to let our children grow up the way he did. that being said, I have no clue how I'd be able to financially support not only myself, but also our children. I'm unable to work, yet can't qualify for disability. I have been trying to find a work from home job, but have yet to be successful in attaining a work from home position. I really just hope he will accept that he needs help and make the effort. Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted February 27, 2018 Share Posted February 27, 2018 Basil is 100% correct, I have lived through this with my son. I left his father when he was 7, it has been a real struggle to deal with his behaviour, but with lots of help and my son's realization of the behaviour his father displayed and his own anger, he's come through it all ok and is no longer angry or violent. I hate to think what would have happened if I'd stayed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 27, 2018 Share Posted February 27, 2018 I have an anxiety disorder among other conditions. My husband isn't always angry, but it's like if he's in a mood we have to just avoid him. This morning he got upset he couldn't find underwear, it was 5am and woke me up being loud. I'm concerned because if our son is already anxious at 7, what will happen in years to come. Nobody has the right to take their anger out on other people. It's called self control, and apparently none of the men in his family have learned it. Rather, they have used the old "it's genetic" excuse for their lack of restraint and consideration. I understand that you love him and he is a good provider for your family, but this kind of behavior is not acceptable. Does he realize that his kids are scared of him? Does he want his kids to be afraid in their own home? Perhaps, if you and/or your kids are able to tell him how he makes the people he loves feel, it will create some self awareness and a desire to change his ways... because, this is most definitely a learned behavior that can be changed - if he understands that here is a problem and is willing to change his behavior. If he refuses, well you have to decide how much of a problem this is for you and your children because the only thing left to do would be to leave. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AlmostHappy Posted February 27, 2018 Author Share Posted February 27, 2018 Nobody has the right to take their anger out on other people. It's called self control, and apparently none of the men in his family have learned it. Rather, they have used the old "it's genetic" excuse for their lack of restraint and consideration. I understand that you love him and he is a good provider for your family, but this kind of behavior is not acceptable. Does he realize that his kids are scared of him? Does he want his kids to be afraid in their own home? Perhaps, if you and/or your kids are able to tell him how he makes the people he loves feel, it will create some self awareness and a desire to change his ways... because, this is most definitely a learned behavior that can be changed - if he understands that here is a problem and is willing to change his behavior. If he refuses, well you have to decide how much of a problem this is for you and your children because the only thing left to do would be to leave. Thank you for your response. We have discussed it and he is aware that it's not okay to act like he does. He seems to say that he just doesn't know what to do or how to change it. The lady thing he wants is for his kids to grow up the way he did, but at the same time I feel like actions speak louder than words. He knows I won't be able to leave anytime soon, so in a way he knows he has time. I can encourage him to get help, and hope that he does. I'm the meantime I am trying to get myself in a more independent situation. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 27, 2018 Share Posted February 27, 2018 Thank you for your response. We have discussed it and he is aware that it's not okay to act like he does. He seems to say that he just doesn't know what to do or how to change it. The lady thing he wants is for his kids to grow up the way he did, but at the same time I feel like actions speak louder than words. He knows I won't be able to leave anytime soon, so in a way he knows he has time. I can encourage him to get help, and hope that he does. I'm the meantime I am trying to get myself in a more independent situation. It sounds like a good plan. It sounds like you are in a tough spot, and I'm sorry about that. It's good to have a backup plan and maybe try to save some money... After all, what would you do if something happened to him? If he is aware and doesn't want his kids to grow up the way he did, he should be prepared to try and change his behavior. Not to be disrespectful, but it's not hard... This is what I work to do everyday in my job with preschool kids... If they can learn to control their behavior and treat others with kindness and respect, then surely your husband will be able to make some changes... Link to post Share on other sites
Author AlmostHappy Posted February 27, 2018 Author Share Posted February 27, 2018 It sounds like a good plan. It sounds like you are in a tough spot, and I'm sorry about that. It's good to have a backup plan and maybe try to save some money... After all, what would you do if something happened to him? If he is aware and doesn't want his kids to grow up the way he did, he should be prepared to try and change his behavior. Not to be disrespectful, but it's not hard... This is what I work to do everyday in my job with preschool kids... If they can learn to control their behavior and treat others with kindness and respect, then surely your husband will be able to make some changes... Being unable to work is the biggest obstacle I have. I am trying to find a way to work and save money. If anything happened to him I would then be able to apply for SSI which is income based. I can't get SSDI because it I based on work credits and although I earned many, I don't have enough and have been out of work so my work credits no longer count. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted February 28, 2018 Share Posted February 28, 2018 Firstly, My husband and I have been together almost 13 years and married 10 years. We have 2 children, an almost 7 year old and almost 4 year old. My husband has always had a short fuse and temper, but I never anticipated how his temper would be after we had kids. We have discussed his temper and he brushes it off as something that he is genetically disposed to having. His father has a short fuse, all his uncles do etc. I feel like that is just an excuse in a lot of ways, but I am supportive of him and truly want to help him any way that I can. He does say that he doesn't want his kids to grow up in the environment that he did, but at the same time does nothing to change it. Recently we have noticed that our son (7 year old) is quite anxious and struggles at times with dealing with his anxiety. My husband has the hardest time with his temper in regards to the kids. Now if you have anxiety, you understand that an anxious person/child and a person with a short fuse don't exactly make for a pleasant mix. My husband loses his patience often and definitely does when our son shows his anxiety and reacts not only negatively, but also with anger. I plan to discuss anger management with him, but am not sure how to handle if he just shrugs it off. I can't force someone to make the effort, but at the same time I don't think it's healthy for the kids to always feel like we walk on egg shells. How can I help my family be whole and functional? If your husband refuses to seek counseling, there is no way that your family can be whole and functional. Staying with your husband means that you are accepting the damage he is already inflicting on your son. I grew up being abused by a very angry mother. She took out her anger on me using both physical and emotional abuse. When I became too old to beat, she switched to emotional and verbal abuse. I became a very anxious and unhappy young adult with my own anger management difficulties. Fortunately, leaving home and seeing a therapist went a long way towards healing. I wouldn't have been able to build a happy life if I didn't acknowledge my emotional damage and seek help. Please think of your son before you focus on staying married to your husband. Your son doesn't deserve to grow up in a house ruled by a tyrant. He can develop serious mental health issues and end up estranged from his father as an adult. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AlmostHappy Posted February 28, 2018 Author Share Posted February 28, 2018 If your husband refuses to seek counseling, there is no way that your family can be whole and functional. Staying with your husband means that you are accepting the damage he is already inflicting on your son. I grew up being abused by a very angry mother. She took out her anger on me using both physical and emotional abuse. When I became too old to beat, she switched to emotional and verbal abuse. I became a very anxious and unhappy young adult with my own anger management difficulties. Fortunately, leaving home and seeing a therapist went a long way towards healing. I wouldn't have been able to build a happy life if I didn't acknowledge my emotional damage and seek help. Please think of your son before you focus on staying married to your husband. Your son doesn't deserve to grow up in a house ruled by a tyrant. He can develop serious mental health issues and end up estranged from his father as an adult. He isn't a controlling tyrant, he just has a short fuse. Not making excuses but just clarification. At this time I'm pretty limited and don't have the means to just up and leave. I would never put a man ahead of my kids well being, if it comes to that and I have to go I am trying to plan for that now. I'm not sure if I'm able to apply for SSI while living here still or if being legally seperated would allow for that. I also don't know if child support is considered income in regards to SSI. All I these things I have to figure out as well. My kids are my #1 priority. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted February 28, 2018 Share Posted February 28, 2018 Short fuse falls into 2 categories.. Genetic and Learned behavior... Which one does he have.. no telling.. but if it's Genetic then he will need the tools to be able to help alter his reactions to what makes him blow his top and someone who deals with anger management is the only person who can help him with those tools.. unless self help books are on the table.. Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships Is a good book... Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 28, 2018 Share Posted February 28, 2018 We have discussed it and he is aware that it's not okay to act like he does. He seems to say that he just doesn't know what to do or how to change it. Wow, that is the lamest excuse ever. If he was serious about change, he'd jump on the internet and Google 'anger management' in your city. Or if he struggles with technology/literacy then he would have asked you or his primary care doctor for help in finding a solution. Don't let him off with this excuse. Link to post Share on other sites
4EverHisPrincess Posted February 28, 2018 Share Posted February 28, 2018 Hopefully your husband will be able to be open to your concerns and recommendation for anger management. There are some resources that may be of help if he's not willing to seek assistance https://list.ly/list/1DcR-to-all-the-dads-raising-courageous-children . It's great that you're trying to be a good mom and wife and are seeking ways to help your family thrive...don't give up! Blessings to you and your family! Link to post Share on other sites
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