How do I forget him and move on?

[LoveFoolGirl]

First post here and I apologize if I don't use proper abbreviations.

 

I'm a married woman, and have been with my AP (MM) for just a few short months...since October. To save you all from th typical story I will just confirm it has been intense, and we do say we love each other.

 

He's currently on vacation with his wife, kids, and in-laws. I think it has hit me what a sad, pathetic person I feel for being so wrapped around his finger that I can't even stomach the acknowledgement that I am the mistress and nothing more. Not that I ever truly expected more, I have no idea what I expected at this point. All I know is I never expected to feel this way for someone else.

 

My question is this: when you are so foolishly love sick over a lost cause, how do you move on? How do I let this person go? How do I change my feelings? I am so attached to him, but it dawned on me that while he's on vacation for the next 2 weeks and our communication will be minimal (unless I just ghost it all together), that now may be my chance to break free from the chains. Help me please.

[LoveFoolGirl]

I just posted a question about how to get over my intense EA/PA. I'm also punishing myself with questions that I know shouldn't matter but do to my heart and mind currently...

 

Why does MOM claim there is little to no intimacy? He said his wife is very religious and told him sex isn't a priority. He feels undesired. Was that a lie?

 

Why did he tell me once that he would leave his wife for me? I didn't believe him, not for a second, not that I'd ever ask in a million years any way. But why do they say this knowing damn well it's not true???

 

We always talked about being honest (laughable, I guess), about being upfront with what we wanted, what we felt, and knowing the good and bad things about our lives and each other. Being best friends essentially. So why does it feel like most affairs are full of lip service and just a lot of what the other person wants to hear? I feel like I was more realistic and honest with him, not vice versa. Or am I delusional? Just asking the universe...

 

Why do they complain about the wife when we all know the marriage is never as bad as it is made out to be? Is that to lie and validate their affair? To excuse the actions? I am married but my marriage has truthfully been on the rocks for years, even after counseling. My husband and I have talked about the unhappiness and even divorce etc. I asked MOM once if he ever talked about his issues with his wife to which he said "she doesn't feel there are issues." That was my red flag that his marital issues may have been exaggerated for my benefit.

 

I'm married. Why does his marriage bother me more than my marriage seems to bother him? Because I think he adores his wife more than he has let on? But then why was he looking?

[treehugger12]

You may be very sad but you are not pathetic. You are human and we cant help what our hearts want, I too have been in your shoes, but mine was a short fling last year w/MM but I fell crazy hard for him, I run into him at work sometimes and my heart melts when I see him and then the crushing starts all over again... then I don't see him for a week or two and my heart starts to heal... then I run into him and bam, back where I started, its a viscous cycle. Now I'm trying so hard to avoid him so my heart can heal and get over the addiction. It sounds like you know already what you need to do, end it. Now is the time, you have a good head start, ghost, NC, delete contacts, block everywhere. You can do this, you have too before its goes on and your writing here a year from now how you cant break free. Time will heal your heart if you go NC, soon the fog with lift and you'll start thinking more clearly.

Best wishes

[LoveFoolGirl]

You may be very sad but you are not pathetic. You are human and we cant help what our hearts want, I too have been in your shoes, but mine was a short fling last year w/MM but I fell crazy hard for him, I run into him at work sometimes and my heart melts when I see him and then the crushing starts all over again... then I don't see him for a week or two and my heart starts to heal... then I run into him and bam, back where I started, its a viscous cycle. Now I'm trying so hard to avoid him so my heart can heal and get over the addiction. It sounds like you know already what you need to do, end it. Now is the time, you have a good head start, ghost, NC, delete contacts, block everywhere. You can do this, you have too before its goes on and your writing here a year from now how you cant break free. Time will heal your heart if you go NC, soon the fog with lift and you'll start thinking more clearly.

Best wishes

 

I know rationally speaking you are right. Very right.

 

Is it crazy of me to fear that he'll get over me too? I feel like he told me some very intimate feelings about how he felt about me that a part of me is sad to think it was all fabricated. Whether he believes in his words or not.

[Lehcar1012]

Take everyone's advice here and get out now while it's new . Before your spouse and his spouse finds out , before it ruins your life, your families life and his and his families. You can find my story on here. I left my 23 year relationship 2 months after starting the A , it was an abusive one and needed to end. But my son is 17 and hasn't spoken to me in 7 months. This affair has wreaked havoc on everyone involved lives. Here I sit, 1 year in to this A heartbroken after dday 3, and MM is moving across the country to save what's left of his family. You don't realize now what this A will lead to, in the beginning it's fun, no one will find out. Then you fall in love and take more and more chances. Pretty soon you don't know if your coming or going, what's up or what's down. It's a rollercoaster and not a fun one. If only I had known....read people's stories on here. You won't find very many happy endings.

[d0nnivain]

You focus on the fact that he went on VACATION with his wife. She probably has no idea he's a cheater & he likes it that way. No matter what he told you, his actions say he's never leaving her for you. His actions also scream that he doesn't care about you. He's lying when he says he loves you. He doesn't

 

Your bigger problem is what to do about your own marriage. Fess up to your husband & don't fight him on the divorce. You promise to love, honor & cherish 'til death do you part. You failed. Give your husband the freedom he deserves.

 

When you are done with all of that you should be so wrung out you don't have time to miss the Lothario.

[d0nnivain]

He's absolutely lying to you! Everything out of his mouth had one purpose: to get you into his bed.

 

Your marriage doesn't bother him because he likes that you are married. In his mind because you are married you won't put as much pressure on him to leave his wife, because he has no intention of doing that. For pete's sake he just took her on vacation. You have to know he's wining & dining her & they are taking romantic strolls together before they have sex every night. It's vacation & romance.

 

Understand to him you are just somebody to have sex with . . . a warm body that he does not respect, nothing more. Sorry but hopefully that dash of cold water will give you the impetus to move on.

[grass-hopper]

LoveFoolGirl

I was exactly here a few months ago. And I got so much great advice and support and everyone said the best was to go NC that it could only get worse. But I was so caught up in him and his breadcrumbs of attention. And I was scared to go NC for the exact reason you are, I was afraid he’d get over me. I was afraid all those words he gave me would go away. No matter how much I knew deep down inside they were all lies.

 

And now months later. He has to figure things out in his marriage. He has to stop. And I’m left in a puddle of tears. Because he got over me. The words disappeared. And now I’m wishing I’d stopped it months ago and listened to the advice I’d gotten here.. But now I’m facing the reality of what it all was. I was nothing to him. I was disposable to him. And all that is a hard To digest.

 

He’ll be back from vacation. And he’ll reach out to you. Right now it’s in your hands. You be the one to walk away. Don’t be the one left behind. Either way it’s going to hurt.

 

Good luck to you.

[OpenBook]

Why do they complain about the wife when we all know the marriage is never as bad as it is made out to be? Is that to lie and validate their affair? To excuse the actions?

 

No, they're not concerned about justifying their pursuit of you. They're snowing you. They'll say whatever it takes to get you in bed. Like donnivain said. That, and a sense of entitlement. They already feel justified in seeking to scratch that itch.

 

Why does his marriage bother me more than my marriage seems to bother him? Because I think he adores his wife more than he has let on? But then why was he looking?

 

He's not concerned about your marriage. He's intent on getting that itch scratched. As for how he feels about his W, it's hard to say. I'm sure he does love her. Men are loyal... faithful is another story.

 

I've always had a theory that WH stray because they are really really mad at their W's. It's an incredibly passive-aggressive "F*ck you" behind her back. But I'm starting to think it's more that they're just plain bored and restless, tired of the daily sturm-und-drang of constant compromising, never entirely getting their way, nothing fresh or surprising about their marital union... and they just want to feel ALIVE again.

[treehugger12]

I know rationally speaking you are right. Very right.

 

Is it crazy of me to fear that he'll get over me too? I feel like he told me some very intimate feelings about how he felt about me that a part of me is sad to think it was all fabricated. Whether he believes in his words or not.

 

I think it’s only natural to want to feel desired especially if your not feeling it at home with your husband, it’s the excitement and newness you don’t want to lose. It is only going to get worse if you move forward with this MM.

I highly recommend read Lehcar and Grasshoppers threads, they’ve been through so much pain. If you think your hurting now, it will only multiply 1000x,

My fling could have easily turned into an affair, thank goodness I think we both realized it had gone to far, which for me was completely out of my character to get into any trouble or do wrong. It was about 9 months ago and I still am struggling to get over him, it was only physical but I was crushing hard on him. It was emotional on my part, this is why I know I need to keep my distance from him. You need to do to the same.

LS is a good place to be, it’s helped me so much.

[FMW]

I was a BW, briefly a MOW, and then a single OW almost 3 years now with the same MM. He's still not completely out of my life. My story, with so many similarities to others, is in this section of the forum. Based on that experience, my advice would be to take it one step at a time.

 

Your first step is to deal with your marriage. Figure out why you were vulnerable to get involved in the A. Figure out what you want to happen with your own marriage and then talk to your H about those things. Right now the A is likely an escape for you from dealing with whatever issue it is you don't want to deal with, a way to feel alive and energized. Find out why you need that. Then figure out what you're going to do about it.

 

While you're figuring all that out take advantage of your MM's vacation to go NC with him while you turn your focus to your H and your marriage.

 

Once you've worked on that first step you can deal with how to forget your MM and move on.

 

Don't delay in taking that first step. Believe everyone on this forum, the longer you continue in the A the harder it is to move on. All the feelings you feel right now will only intensify.

[Poppy47]

What strikes me is that fact that you do not once mention you family.

 

You seem to be forgetting you are in an affair. Of course he's on holiday with his wife and family.... For the love of God, what did you expect would happen?

 

He will continue to lead a married life. It is an AFFAIR.

 

I think sometimes the OW tends to forget that fact.

 

Go complete NO CONTACT... BLOCK EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE AND NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN.

 

He is away and it is the perfect opportunity. Carpe Diem.

 

Poppy.

[Steve51]

The best way to get over a man is to get under another. Seriously, I got over my gf of 4 years by getting under a woman in Sydney for a month. At first I called out my ex girlfriend's name but by the end of the month, I forgot her name. Then I got a new girlfriend when I returned to the States and moved her in with me but she did not want a monogamous relationship so I left her and then found my wife of 45 years.

 

Sometimes you need things like this to reach the person made for you. I also have advice to women who have affairs with married men, they will lie to you to keep you having sex with you. They will tell you that they cannot leave their wife due to the kids or that he will divorce her when the time is right. I know this because I have met discarded mistresses a few times and they all have the same story to tell.

 

This married male behavior is amply written about all over the internet but some women think it is different with them. Love makes you believe what you want to believe and blinds you to his faults and lies. Women need to stop thinking with their emotions. I learned that you need a healthy amount of mistrust to avoid falling for a BS artist. Not much, just a healthy amount. I learned that the hard way myself.

[whichwayisup]

What about your husband? Your family and in laws? If MM left his wife are you willing to give up your life as you know it to be with him? What does MM mean to you? A fling? Is he your 'mister' on the side?

 

Do you have children to consider?

 

All these questions about him and what his intentions are, what are your intentions?

 

Many men can separate love and sex. He isn't looking to leave his wife and start a new life with you. He's enjoying the affair as it is and nothing else. You're in love with him and he isn't letting himself get attached to you too deeply. He can go home and put you out of his mind completely. Can you do that? Put him out of your head when you're at home?

[Adoraxx]

I remember the times when my xMM went on a vacation. It was like he went on a vacation from 'me' , to get away from me because of course I didn't exist to him during his vacations. And then when he came, i was good enough again. It's so insulting