The Pain Of Rejection...

[GuitarGuy7]

In my three years of attempting to date, iv'e been rejected a lot. Every ghost and flake on Tinder, every empty message box on POF, every "I never saw you that way" from girls I befriended, failure has always been my greatest teacher and at the same time, my biggest threat to happiness.

 

It is hard to describe the pain of rejection from women. It's like temporarily stripping away whatever energy you have in your body from you and you are left with a sense of emptiness, a loss of vitality. Your energy is sapped from you.

 

Rejection can make you feel absolutely terrible about yourself. You look at yourself from a pessimistic point of view, complaining about your greatest flaws, feeling hopeless and helpless about your situation. Maybe you're tired of being passed over, being told no before you're even given a chance. You know you would be a great boyfriend/girlfriend, but people never see you for who you are. Every rejection, every failure, every flaked date, only makes these feelings grow stronger to the point of contemplating whether to fight or flight, whether to give up or keep going.

 

Rejection is like punching a brick wall, no amount of anticipation can numb the pain because as soon as your fists hit that wall, it's going to hurt.

 

 

But why does rejection hurt? Is it because you want a boyfriend/girlfriend? Is it because your self-worth is based on the approval of the opposite sex? Is it because in our society, we are viewed as losers if we don't date?

 

I don't know...

 

 

Perhaps rejection is simply a state of mind. Getting rejected and feeling rejection are two separate entities, neither are linked together. You can get rejected without feeling rejected.

Edited February 27, 2018 by GuitarGuy7

[Fair]

It hurts because we're human. We all need love and acceptance.

[basil67]

Really good questions GG. It got my interest piqued and so I started looking it up. Found this excellent piece https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201307/10-surprising-facts-about-rejection This certainly explains a lot of the anger we see online from some permanently single posters.

 

I think a lot of the angst is because as humans, we are programmed to belong. So when we can't fit in like we need to, we become distressed. I would hazard a guess that the people who don't feel rejection when they get rejected have enough belonging in other parts of their lives. They've probably got a solid group of friends and have had enough romance in their lives to know they can achieve what they want if they get the right person.

[CrazyKatLady]

Rejection hurts me too as a woman. It hurts real bad. And I know why...because I want to be loved. You aren't alone in this. It sucks to not be wanted, plain and simple.

[alphamale]

facing rejection is a fact that we all have to live with in everyday life

[GuitarGuy7]

 

I would hazard a guess that the people who don't feel rejection when they get rejected have enough belonging in other parts of their lives. They've probably got a solid group of friends and have had enough romance in their lives to know they can achieve what they want if they get the right person.

 

 

 

You're right about this. Some people arne't mentally phased by rejection because they know that they can find somebody else. "Well if Sally over here doesn't like me, not a big deal. I know Sarah, Rachael, and Jane would probably say yes"

 

But for some of us who are rejected by pretty much everybody, passed over by pretty much everybody, rejection feels like absolute trash.

 

I'm sick and tired of dating and all the crap it's brought me my whole life. Next year i'm going to either go The Phillipines for a week and try to date there, or go to Nevada and lose my virginity to a prostitute. If I don't have any success here by 2019, I swear to God i'm going to go. No regrets...

[Tribble]

I think pain through rejection is normal and human and the reasons behind it can vary for each individual. For me, I don't get rejected that often because I don't put myself in situations where I can be rejected. I fear it because I have been rejected in the past and it really hurt. For me, that pain comes because, why me?? Or rather why not me? I find it tricky to find someone I like and if they don't like me back, it is a blow because I never know when the next will come along.

 

I see everyone else getting coupled up and wonder what is so awful about me that means it doesn't happen for me. Realistically, I know there isn't anything so awful about me, but I have to consciously remind myself about that. I'm so afraid of rejection I have sky high walls protecting myself and really have to push through them and put myself in vulnerable situations that I hate. I'm happier now than I have been in a while so hopefully it's working!

 

In the end, rejection ain't all that bad - you may as well give it a go. But that's easier for some people more than others. What is there really to lose? I really admire people who can do that!

[littleblackheart]

Rejection sucks for sure, which is why it important to surround yourself with caring people who will accept you for who you are, and nurture these non-romantic relationships.

 

Prioritise slowly building a strong support system over finding a romantic partner, one person at a time; and be as supportive to them as they to you. A girlfriend is not the only (or even the best) solution to cure loneliness.

[CrazyKatLady]

Yep, it is a for sure, a real, everyday, part of life thing. My pain with rejection comes from sexual trafficking which I believe I became a part of unknowingly when I was in my 20's and didn't know that a "friend" of mine introduced me to biker/street gang members...I thought they were just average 20 yr. old rich kids who played x-box all day and partied all night. Well, they did party all night, apparently I wasn't awake most of the time to join in...never has improved much since then...and I later found out my ex from a year or so back knew these people and told me they would contact me...which happened on social media...so, I guess I don't get to choose my partners--so I quit dating altogether...I recently met a guy at a local church I was invited to this past weekend--looked him up on social media--tied to the same group of friends my ex hung out with every day--who associated/knew of the gang members I mentioned above...I refuse to be used anymore.

So...for those of you in pain because you can't find a date--it could always be worse...trust me...you could get passed around without ever knowing it...

[nospam99]

I'm so afraid of rejection I have sky high walls protecting myself and really have to push through them and put myself in vulnerable situations that I hate.

And so Paul Simon wrote and sang in The Sounds of Silence

What is there really to lose?

 

Speaking for myself, depending on how much emotion I've invested in the relationship, for a time I lose the optimism, motivation, and commitment to keep trying.

[kaska898]

You have to learn from our mistakes and move on!

[hotpotato]

You're right about this. Some people arne't mentally phased by rejection because they know that they can find somebody else. "Well if Sally over here doesn't like me, not a big deal. I know Sarah, Rachael, and Jane would probably say yes"

 

But for some of us who are rejected by pretty much everybody, passed over by pretty much everybody, rejection feels like absolute trash.

 

I'm sick and tired of dating and all the crap it's brought me my whole life. Next year i'm going to either go The Phillipines for a week and try to date there, or go to Nevada and lose my virginity to a prostitute. If I don't have any success here by 2019, I swear to God i'm going to go. No regrets...

 

Really good questions GG. It got my interest piqued and so I started looking it up. Found this excellent piece https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201307/10-surprising-facts-about-rejection This certainly explains a lot of the anger we see online from some permanently single posters.

 

I think a lot of the angst is because as humans, we are programmed to belong. So when we can't fit in like we need to, we become distressed. I would hazard a guess that the people who don't feel rejection when they get rejected have enough belonging in other parts of their lives. They've probably got a solid group of friends and have had enough romance in their lives to know they can achieve what they want if they get the right person.

 

Exactly what I was telling someone else. This person thinks I should just get over getting dumped. He has a bevy of women. Ok, some of them aren't around him for the right reasons. Yet, he has someone to go on trips with, girlfriends when he wants...He doesn't understand what it's like to be unwanted.

 

Also, if he gets turned down in a cold approach, he has a lot of other positive experiences to life his self esteem.

[HiCrunchy]

You're right about this. Some people arne't mentally phased by rejection because they know that they can find somebody else. "Well if Sally over here doesn't like me, not a big deal. I know Sarah, Rachael, and Jane would probably say yes"

 

But for some of us who are rejected by pretty much everybody, passed over by pretty much everybody, rejection feels like absolute trash.

 

I'm sick and tired of dating and all the crap it's brought me my whole life. Next year i'm going to either go The Phillipines for a week and try to date there, or go to Nevada and lose my virginity to a prostitute. If I don't have any success here by 2019, I swear to God i'm going to go. No regrets...

 

This. Its scarcity!! We don't have options, so rejection hurts a million times more than for other people. Even if they don't rush into a relationship, having the option to do so in itself is enough.

 

"Oh I got dumped, let me feel sad for two weeks and just find another one. Or you know what I'll choose to stay single for a while, but I know when I want a relationship I can find one in an instant" That doesn't happen for people like us.

Edited February 28, 2018 by HiCrunchy

[Mysterio]

I will go into this post like this. I think having no friends is way more depressing, than not having a major love life.

 

Rejection is a part of life. How could it be different. At some point all of us have to accept ourselves. We cannot look under a microscope all the time at why we are single all the time. How is it supposed to be anyways. How would we all get to date who we want to all the time anyways.

 

My EX. Her name is DD. In the last 12 months. She is on guy #3. She wants to get pregnant and have a kid. She misses the point. She comes off to me as wanting a child more, than gelling with a guy. Once having a child comes into play, I feel like because she is not gelled with the guy. The relationship will fall apart and a child will now have to grow up with not seeing their parents together.

 

Most of my male friends that are in stable LTR's. They did nothing at all to make it happen from my point of view. None of them were ladies men. To this day, most of them have no female friends and don't have women coming on to them.

 

Reality is that its not about rejection. Its basically we here on this site are frustrated that our love lives are not going the way we want it to. I think a lot of us on here, esspecially myself are way too invested in our love lives, which really is bleek and semi non existant.

 

What I really think is that most of us need to let love find us. I doubt that we will all be single and loveless the rest of our lives.

 

Its up to us to be confident in our lives and not let being single/getting rejected get us down. I have a great life. Without a major love or even when a major love drops in my life. I want love as well, but I am not begging for it.

 

I had a dream last night. I think in my dream. My higher self was saying that it will all work out in the end. Don't sweat being single. I think the same can be said for everyone here. For me. Its not like the ideal situation has dropped into my lap and I rejected it.

[Mike800]

I will go into this post like this. I think having no friends is way more depressing, than not having a major love life.

 

Rejection is a part of life. How could it be different. At some point all of us have to accept ourselves. We cannot look under a microscope all the time at why we are single all the time. How is it supposed to be anyways. How would we all get to date who we want to all the time anyways.

 

My EX. Her name is DD. In the last 12 months. She is on guy #3. She wants to get pregnant and have a kid. She misses the point. She comes off to me as wanting a child more, than gelling with a guy. Once having a child comes into play, I feel like because she is not gelled with the guy. The relationship will fall apart and a child will now have to grow up with not seeing their parents together.

 

Most of my male friends that are in stable LTR's. They did nothing at all to make it happen from my point of view. None of them were ladies men. To this day, most of them have no female friends and don't have women coming on to them.

 

Reality is that its not about rejection. Its basically we here on this site are frustrated that our love lives are not going the way we want it to. I think a lot of us on here, esspecially myself are way too invested in our love lives, which really is bleek and semi non existant.

 

What I really think is that most of us need to let love find us. I doubt that we will all be single and loveless the rest of our lives.

 

Its up to us to be confident in our lives and not let being single/getting rejected get us down. I have a great life. Without a major love or even when a major love drops in my life. I want love as well, but I am not begging for it.

 

I had a dream last night. I think in my dream. My higher self was saying that it will all work out in the end. Don't sweat being single. I think the same can be said for everyone here. For me. Its not like the ideal situation has dropped into my lap and I rejected it.

 

Good points..

 

I also think ego plays apart in it..We all want to be attractive to the opposite sex and when we feel unattractive and unwanted it can hurt.

 

I'm trying to get over the ego part somehow..

[FilterCoffee]

Wasn't your sister supposed to set you up? How did that go?

[GuitarGuy7]

Wasn't your sister supposed to set you up? How did that go?

 

Mission Failed

 

We'll get em next time boys...

[Mysterio]

I think its impossible for most people to date everyone around them. Its just logistically impossible. We all have to face reality that we will be matched at a lower rate.

 

There is more connection with Friendships over Love relationships. This year so far. I have no romantic prospects at the moment. My life will be great no matter what comes my way.

[hotpotato]

To be honest with myself...

It's easier for me to be single than to be dumped.

 

I realized I have pattern. Get really happy. Find someone. Get dumped. Be miserable. Repeat. I dont know if I want to repeat this time.

 

For the past 10 years, I've been dumped in every relationship, 4x in a row. It has made me feel like trash. Also, it's hard to tell what's going wrong as the dumper doesnt discuss it during the relationship (in my experience).

[alphamale]

To be honest with myself...

It's easier for me to be single than to be dumped.

 

I realized I have pattern. Get really happy. Find someone. Get dumped. Be miserable. Repeat. I dont know if I want to repeat this time.

 

For the past 10 years, I've been dumped in every relationship, 4x in a row. It has made me feel like trash. Also, it's hard to tell what's going wrong as the dumper doesnt discuss it during the relationship (in my experience).

 

next time you get in a relationship you should dump them just to see what it's like

[hotpotato]

next time you get in a relationship you should dump them just to see what it's like

 

Lol I made a thread about that

[preraph]

I think the people bothered most by rejection, it's because they have bad self-esteem and are looking to elevate themselves by having a relationship when really they need to be in therapy to learn to feel better about themselves and following goals to get their self-esteem up so they don't need another person to carry them. These are the same people who are nearly impossible to get rid of during a breakup because they feel you're taking their self-worth with them. It's easier to pretend you're alright if you're hitting all the milestones, but everyone has setbacks and you have to get mentally right to deal with all that well.

 

Of course, everyone is annoyed by rejection, and the more time invested, the more it hurts. What experienced people know is not to invest time in an unbalanced relationship because it won't hurt anyone but you.

 

I've only met a handful of people who are so secure and have such good self-esteem that they are barely daunted by breakups or rejection, but once you see it, you never forget it. These people just know they'll be fine no matter what happens and that they have other options, so they don't sweat it. There's no desperation there.

 

I certainly dwelled on a couple of people far too long when I was young and stupid, but I always had a modicum of self-esteem that made me at least chuckle about it and say "There's no accounting for taste - their loss."

 

For me, there was a correlation between that and bullying as well, in the way I rationalized it. With bullying, I just knew if they were bullies, they weren't very nice people and that I was better than them, no matter what they believed, so I placed no premium on their opinion of me because they were mean.

But with rejections, more like not that they were worse people but just different. At some point you have to accept everyone is different. It's an important step in maturity. Once you accept that, you'll stop trying to change them and just move on.

[Mike800]

I think the people bothered most by rejection, it's because they have bad self-esteem and are looking to elevate themselves by having a relationship when really they need to be in therapy to learn to feel better about themselves and following goals to get their self-esteem up so they don't need another person to carry them. These are the same people who are nearly impossible to get rid of during a breakup because they feel you're taking their self-worth with them. It's easier to pretend you're alright if you're hitting all the milestones, but everyone has setbacks and you have to get mentally right to deal with all that well.

 

Of course, everyone is annoyed by rejection, and the more time invested, the more it hurts. What experienced people know is not to invest time in an unbalanced relationship because it won't hurt anyone but you.

 

I've only met a handful of people who are so secure and have such good self-esteem that they are barely daunted by breakups or rejection, but once you see it, you never forget it. These people just know they'll be fine no matter what happens and that they have other options, so they don't sweat it. There's no desperation there.

 

I certainly dwelled on a couple of people far too long when I was young and stupid, but I always had a modicum of self-esteem that made me at least chuckle about it and say "There's no accounting for taste - their loss."

 

For me, there was a correlation between that and bullying as well, in the way I rationalized it. With bullying, I just knew if they were bullies, they weren't very nice people and that I was better than them, no matter what they believed, so I placed no premium on their opinion of me because they were mean.

But with rejections, more like not that they were worse people but just different. At some point you have to accept everyone is different. It's an important step in maturity. Once you accept that, you'll stop trying to change them and just move on.

 

I hear you but peoples experiences are also different.

 

For people who've never had someone into them romantically I could see how each rejection would hurt them more then someone who's had a lot or decent sucess attracting the opposite sex and knows a yes is coming eventually.

[normal person]

Mission Failed

 

Why do you think?

 

Perhaps a root of your problem is that you don't consider the sources of rejection. It's almost like you assume that it just "happens" for no reason rather than for a potential variety of reasons. For example, you've said in previous threads that you'd prefer to stay in and play video games than try and meet girls, and also that you had to move back in with your parents because you couldn't figure out how to feed yourself. No offense, but if a girl your age told me these things I would avoid her like the plague.

 

Do you have any plans or desires to actually improve your situation? Or are you just here to complain? Because that seems to be the common theme of most of your threads:

 

- My Bad Dating Woes

- Getting Rejected Sucks

- Why Some People Are Just Destined To Be Alone

- The Pain Of Rejection

 

Cool. What of it all? Do you want to change? Do you want to do anything better? Because it seems rare that you ever apply critical analysis to your situation to try and do any better, you assume that things are just a certain way and that there's nothing you can do to change them. Instead of just complaining about how things are, why don't you describe why you think things are the way they are currently so people can help you figure out how to actually improve your situation and get what you want? Imagine yourself as the patient and people here are the doctors. Before the doctors can help you, they need to know what your symptoms are and how they got that way rather than just a dozen threads of "I'm sick and it sucks." What specific things give you trouble and why?

[HiCrunchy]

Why do you think?

 

Perhaps a root of your problem is that you don't consider the sources of rejection. It's almost like you assume that it just "happens" for no reason rather than for a potential variety of reasons. For example, you've said in previous threads that you'd prefer to stay in and play video games than try and meet girls, and also that you had to move back in with your parents because you couldn't figure out how to feed yourself. No offense, but if a girl your age told me these things I would avoid her like the plague.

 

Do you have any plans or desires to actually improve your situation? Or are you just here to complain? Because that seems to be the common theme of most of your threads:

 

- My Bad Dating Woes

- Getting Rejected Sucks

- Why Some People Are Just Destined To Be Alone

- The Pain Of Rejection

 

Cool. What of it all? Do you want to change? Do you want to do anything better? Because it seems rare that you ever apply critical analysis to your situation to try and do any better, you assume that things are just a certain way and that there's nothing you can do to change them. Instead of just complaining about how things are, why don't you describe why you think things are the way they are currently so people can help you figure out how to actually improve your situation and get what you want? Imagine yourself as the patient and people here are the doctors. Before the doctors can help you, they need to know what your symptoms are and how they got that way rather than just a dozen threads of "I'm sick and it sucks." What specific things give you trouble and why?

 

Op did you ever try and fix any of those problems. This post reminds me that I sent you another video about getting your life together and becoming a proper adult. Did you watch it? Did you see the outcome?

 

I know all the guys I have been into have "had their life together". It was something I admired so much in my man.

 

If you are having trouble with just feeding yourself and having no goals or structure that is something u really need to get in order first. Especially as a man, women love someone they can see as a provider. Not that u have to "take care of her" but that u can provide your yourself and your future children. She doesn't want to feel like she has to take on another child to take care of.

Edited March 1, 2018 by HiCrunchy