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So I told my boyfriend of 4 years he can’t sleep over

vintagesangria

By vintagesangria
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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Just a Guy Established Member

Just a Guy

Posted
Posted

Hi Vintage, I agree with the others who say he is not marriage material. Your current relationship with him is the best you'll get. Try as you may he is not going to commit. Best to treat him like a FWB guy and let it rest there. Every time you try and get him to commit he pulls away. Aldo the fact that he is keeping his relationship with these other women idling shows that he is keeping his options open just in case you do dump him.

 

If you are keen on finding someone to spend the rest of your life with then go on dating sites for middle aged divorced people and look for prospective grooms there. You might find someone who ticks all the boxes and is also actually interested in you. Just a thought. Warm wishes.

CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

Posted
Posted
Is it that irrational to think he would want to spend his life with someone?

 

It's not irrational, but his actions are speaking a lot louder than his words. I have a divorced friend (mom of two) who is dating someone like this (replace skateboarding with sky diving and brother with his precious cats) and they've broken up twice (in an 8 month relationship) because of these issues and I just do not see it changing, despite what he SAYS. He's a terminal bachelor at 50 years old.

BarbedFenceRider Established Member

BarbedFenceRider

Posted
Posted

Did I mention that he is a skateboarder who does that as his big hobby and many of his friends are single and are pro skateboarders?

 

 

Whoa...To be 49 and skateboarding? WOW! Good on him to keep active, but that sounds like it can really hurt!!! lol

 

Seriously, dating a single mom is so tough. It's not your fault per se, but the constant projection of your children onto the relationship is hard. It's hard for guys to see the you (OP) and him (BF) together as a couple. It's always that the kids have to come first. Again, not wrong but very limiting concerning intimacy and bonding one on one....

 

And on top of that. Your chlld with drug issues is a giant hand grenade. You may need to be patient with him to come around and jump in with both feet. I do not feel that your odds of finding a Captain Save The Day will be too soon. If you really feel bonded with your BF and do share lots of common interests, you might want to keep up the communication with him and give real expectations of the next few weeks, months and years...Where do YOU want to be with HIM.

 

If not, maybe start to cool it and find someone else who is more simpatico with your standards... Just be honest with him and tell him your needs. And how he can either be part of it, or not....

  • Like 2
Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

Posted
Posted
The other issue that has come up is he has so many ex-girlfriends I can’t keep track.

 

He says he always wanted marriage and kids but never found the one

 

Hmmm....

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 1
road Established Member

road

Posted
Posted

OP, you are not happy with this relationship. You sit him down

and tell him not only no more sleep overs, no more opposite sex

friends, not even no more sex, but no more you unless he makes

these changes or time for you to find a man that wants to

commit to you.

 

You have to force his hand to show his true colors. Then you

will know where you stand.

CardsFan01 Established Member

CardsFan01

Posted
Posted
OP, you are not happy with this relationship. You sit him down

and tell him not only no more sleep overs, no more opposite sex

friends, not even no more sex, but no more you unless he makes

these changes or time for you to find a man that wants to

commit to you.

 

You have to force his hand to show his true colors. Then you

will know where you stand.

 

I’d bet he’s had this ultimatum before, and his response to it explains why he’s 49, never married, no kids, lives with his brother, and has a string of ex-girlfriends.

  • Like 3
BettyDraper Established Member

BettyDraper

Posted
Posted
Positive- owns his own house, is independent, loves me a lot, successful business owner, has a good heart

 

He's not independent if he's still living with his brother. A person in love is willing to make sacrifices for their partner instead of thinking of himself all the time. "A good heart" isn't enough of a reason to continue a relationship with an immature man who can't commit.

 

At your age, it shouldn't take 4 years for a man to know if he wants to get married.

  • Like 2
Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

Posted
Posted
My thinking is if I don't allow him to stay the night (which he does 4-5 nights a week) then maybe he will feel what he is missing?

 

Is can't "stay the night" code for no sex with him, you've cut him off unless he moves in :confused: ???

 

If true vintagesangria, you should thing long and hard about whether you want a partner you had to (sexually) blackmail to drag him into a committed relationship. Given what you've described, there's nothing stopping him from being a real, full-time part of your life and family - unless he doesn't want to :( ...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 3
viatori patuit Established Member

viatori patuit

Posted
Posted

I see this a bit differently.

 

First, I married a single mom with two small kids. So I have some idea of what is involved.

 

Second, we only get half the story here. I am sure there are super important things the op is leaving out. He would tell us were he to care to post here.

 

 

That being said, the biggest issue here tends to be the kids. They are number one to you (as they should be) and your world revolves around them.

 

So, if your kids are the most important thing for you, what should his priority be? He can’t be yours......

 

When I have trouble with my wife this is always the core issue. She has a different view of my priorities should be then I do. Her kids will never be the biggest priority in my life. Never ever. I can’t even fathom why someone would think they would be. I have zero legal rights or obligations to them. And I never will.

 

In fact, should we have kids my kids will be more important. It is a difficult dynamic that requires a lot of flexibility from both parties.

 

 

My advice is to focus a bit on his needs. I always tell my wife that I am far more inclindled to be flexible when she is. Sometimes I have to bend. And sometimes she has too. No matter what the idea that a guy will make some other guys kids the main priority of his life is not realistic. I am sure he will care for your kids and that he will even sacrifice. But his limit is far closer than yours.

 

Good luck.

  • Like 2
Globug Member

Globug

Posted
Posted
My thinking is if I don't allow him to stay the night (which he does 4-5 nights a week) then maybe he will feel what he is missing? Or am I being too harsh? He is very close to my 13 year old given she has been with him since age 9 and their dad disappeared. I just don't want to be a doormat. And I am a very strong woman. I make a very good living, have many degrees, own my own house (I did even as married) and hate asking for help ever. I am not weak but I do feel when you love someone you put them first and stay loyal.

 

If he already stays 4 to 5 nights a week, y'all are not engaged, why would you throw such a gauntlet down saying he cannot stay at all till he moves in?

 

 

I am not trying to be rude but this is basically "I am going to punish you till you do what I want."

 

 

You don't want him moving in because you forced his hand. You want it to be 100% because he wants to. With his age I can 100% see how scary something like this would be for him.

  • Like 4
Cullenbohannon Established Member

Cullenbohannon

Posted
Posted (edited)

I dont see a lot of red flags. There are too many positives to throw this away. The relationship between your youngest daughter and the bf appears to be a very good at a time when a 13 year old needs a strong father figure.

 

I suggest you focus on your oldest with the drug problem and allow the relationship with the youngest to strengthen. If he is staying 4-5 nights a week, EVERY WEEK, with you and your children, then what is the problem? A couple of nights away should allow him to refresh. If he is holding down a job, helping out with the kids and truly loves and appreciates you, how is that immature? Because he skates and has never been married? He has skated all his life. Thats how he has fun. He has never settled down, because he has never found someone like you. YOU are the reason that he has stuck around for 4 years with a family that includes 3 teenagers. Thats kind of a big deal.

 

I am sure you have a lot to offer and there is no problem with wanting more. Fighting and giving ultimatums is not the way to go about getting what you need and deserve. Your children will be young adults very soon. Appreciate what he gives you and tell him so. Your foundation may not be perfect, but it appears to be sound.

Edited by Cullenbohannon
  • Like 1
BarbedFenceRider Established Member

BarbedFenceRider

Posted
Posted

^^^Solid posts above there guys and gals....

I had a relationship with a single mom. And the kids were great. No drug problems or other. It was just that I was in my 20s. And she was trying to mold me into the "father" the kids never had. Not the loving life partner that she never had. When the kids started getting to close to me, I got cold feet and jumped ship. I feel terrible about that, even to this day. The kids didn't deserve that. But ultimately, I was the man on the outside looking on, watching myself being made to fit a puzzle I didn't start to begin with....The real dad was a no show from the start. Druggie, criminal type. The kids never got any support and had issues from that.

Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

Posted
Posted

I have a friend who's liked this but reverse the genders. Her BF had to break up with her because after 3 years she refused to move in and doesn't want to ever get married either.

 

I think you have to accept that either your BF has been lying to you or you've been lying to yourself for 4 years that you are going to live together. If he says he likes his space, trust me, he likes it. Please accept that he's never going to live with you or marry you.

 

Can you just date him without living together? Lots of older unmarried couples do that, you know....

 

I personally think it's good to have a little space. You can be together when you want and be apart when you want. But you're still a couple.

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