Can’t believe I’m here as the OW

[Floating Lilly]

Hi everyone

 

I posted a while ago about my boss flirting with me at work or me thinking he was flirting he’s married with a toddler and a 1 yr old we’ve been doing this back and fourth now for about a year. Since then we’ve been working a lot closer together as I work nights he’s been doing a lot of night training with other members of staff whilst I’m on but if anyone works nights it means we’re in a skeleton crew so you only have each other for company. We always got on really well always laughing and joking, someone told me in my other post maybe I liked it which I denied vehemently whilst in the back of my mind that little voice was saying maybe I just might. I tried to distance myself from him that little bit I have to say with no big effort on my part to the point we were talking again like normal.

 

I have a bf and we’ve been together for 4 years. I feel stupid writing this because I feel like a cliche of justifications I myself used when condemning affairs. My bf doesn’t really do anything for me I feel as though if I left he’d just be annoyed there was no one there to cook and clean or share half the bills with as we live together. He hardly listens to me when I tell him about a plan or goal that I have instead tells me I’ve heard it all before why do I have to listen

 

On my birthday in Jan my boss got me a cake and a card started it off to my “special flower” he told me I had to open it up in secret which should’ve been the red flag but I pushed that down in favour of feeling good about getting something for my birthday my bf forgot. When we were in the office not alone instead of speaking to me direct he would message me and we would share stupid inside jokes or he’d glance over at me and smile.

 

This progressed to messaging me outside of work asking what I was up to or telling me about what he was doing. I was happy for the attention if I have to be honest, I was happy that someone was asking me how I was instead of it always being the other way around. Not an exscuse I know but the truth. I went on holiday from work not out of the country but just a few days off and we were talking on the phone he was bored I was bored and he said “we’re going out he won’t allow one of his staff to be bored it’s his duty to boost morale” as I was getting ready I had my guilt pangs going on in my head and I pushed them away in favour of “he’s just a friend, nothings happening” we met up and I was on edge I didn’t tell my bf who I was going with i said a girl from work he didn’t even look up from his phone which again I used to beat down my guilt pangs. Anyway at the end of the day he dropped me home we sat in his car for a while just talking about his wife and his kids his family and work I guess part of me wanted to keep things on normal mode as if that was possible. Then we kissed, I didn’t back away I didn’t feel bad I said bye and got out of the car. The feelings that hit me I can’t describe it was like good and bad feelings all rolled into one

 

He ghosted me for the rest of my holiday then on the day I returned to work he texted me saying “he knows what happened between us was wrong but it didn’t feel wrong, he was confused about what he’s done but he can’t get me out of his head” I didn’t know what to reply to be honest I wanted to say the same cliche thing part of me liked that someone was having this kind of dilemma towards me no matter how fantasy it was When I went back to work it was a bit awkward at first but we got back into our usual routine of laughing and joking getting way beyond boundaries that had been crossed out of earshot we would talk about things we both would do we found discounted inns and hotels in the countryside and we would say oh we would do that together. Or trips to theme parks oh we would do that. We did both laugh at it all the while that boundary line was getting farther and farther away

 

At the begin of Feb things went physical for us did it just happen no did I want it to happen yes I was selfish and stupid and wrong and now I find it hard to even look anyone in the eye. I’ve withdrawn into myself and he’s the only one I can feel good around, when I don’t see him I feel alone and dirty, I look in the mirror and I think what are you doing, I think about my bf his wife and kids how could I do this to them. When I see him I feel so good about myself he makes me feel as if I can do anything I want, when we are intimate I feel safe, I feel safe in his arms like everything is going to be ok. These long nights with nothing to do gives me a lot of thinking time, reaching out here to people going through the same thing helps my head not to explode. I have nobody else to turn to i don’t want friends or family to know I have done this and continue to do this. I know exactly what they’ll say because I’ve said it for how many years when I’ve learned of affairs.

 

I know I’ve fallen for him I haven’t said it to him yet I’ve read so many stories on here about the OW saying I love you or saying how they feel. He hasn’t offered me a future although he gets jealous at any other male colleague talking to me he has told me he thinks about me to the point his wife knows he’s distracted. if he did offer me a future I don’t know if I would take it. I have thought about what it would be like us together it occupies my mind too much I’d say. I don’t know what I want I don’t even know who I am right now

[S2B]

Find a new job. This is disastrous.

 

Leave the boyfriend too - that relationship is done - and now it's also ruined.

 

Stay away from married men.

[Adotta]

Break up with the boyfriend.

 

Find a new job.

 

Married men play other women. He knows what he's doing. You will get nothing in return. Do your really think he will throw away tons of money and his family to chase after you? He already ghosted you once. He will **** with your head.

 

The worse you feel about what you do the more you will come to rely on him to give you a quick fix. The more you rely on him the more on a pedistal he will become. You need to get a councilor or somone you can talk to.

 

This man is a snake. I know you can't see it now, but he is. You will be twisted around his finger if you let this go on. Try this.... tell him no sex AT ALL until he is divorced. Stand your ground. He can whine and dine and romance you all he wants. But no sex. Watch how quickly he loses interest when he finally believes he won't get sex.

[BaileyB]

You are playing a dangerous game in this affair with your boss. I would suggest that you find a good counsellor to help you to learn what you want, how you found yourself in this situation, and how to begin to right this wrong.

 

Good luck.

Edited February 28, 2018 by BaileyB

[Floating Lilly]

Thanks everyone for the replies, I know I need to go to IC believe it or not I was meant to start years ago due to my past with my narcissistic parents but I avoided it scared to confront my deep scars.

 

I knew the path I was going down but like most of the problems I have I just pushed it aside in favour of my happiness no worries=no problems now I’m in a hole and I’ve given MM the shovel. Adotta that’s a good idea next time he messages me to take me somewhere sex will be off the table that’ll be the slap in the face I need to see what he really thinks of me.

 

I feel like I’m being unfaithful to him having a bf I know that sounds strange

[unit1]

Married men play other women. He knows what he's doing.

 

Yes....

u r too young , girl.

be careful.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

his wife knows he’s distracted.

 

This is gonna blow up in 3....2...1....

 

He's probably feeling very similar guilt and there will be no hard feelings if you just have the will strong enough to END it. Tell him it's wrong (of course he knows this) and you must stop it. There are just so many ways this can blow up in your faces.

[BaileyB]

This is gonna blow up in 3....2...1....

 

He's probably feeling very similar guilt and there will be no hard feelings if you just have the will strong enough to END it. Tell him it's wrong (of course he knows this) and you must stop it. There are just so many ways this can blow up in your faces.

 

Either that, or its standard married man talk to make OP feel "special" and keep her on the hook...

[Scoutjr]

I have to agree with Bailey B. Unfortunately, I have been there. And, Lily this is highly inappropriate (for obvious moral reasons), but also because he is your boss. Hasn’t he heard of the #metoo movement? People gave me this advice when I started my affair—-end it now before it goes further. I didn’t believe them, but I would have saved myself a lot of heartbreak if I had.

[grass-hopper]

People gave me this advice when I started my affair—-end it now before it goes further. I didn’t believe them, but I would have saved myself a lot of heartbreak if I had.

 

Take this advice. Even though ending it now will be hard, letting it evolve and grow then being ghosted or found out — that will be devastating.

 

We all give this advice from experience. We aren’t judging or speaking on something that we know nothing about. I know your story feels different. Mine did. But it will end the same. And you will wish you would have been the one to walk away. Because when he leaves you, it eat away at your self esteem and self worth. And you don’t deserve to feel that. If you leave, youll feel strong for walking away from a bad mistake. You’ll have the power.

[whatcomesnext]

I third, fourth, fifth all of the advice above. Get out now. This is a disaster waiting to happen for you. That said, I know when I was in your shoes not even hell or high water could have made me walk away because I loved him too much and was too emotionally attached and dependent on him almost from day one. I had one shot to get out and leave with power and control a few months in but didn’t take it. Hard as it is, try to believe us when we tell you that there is no worse feeling than loving someone more than you love yourself and then having that person be the one to discard you, walk away and never look back. Take your power back now. Choose yourself before you lose yourself.

[BluesPower]

Bless your heart...

 

Good advice here already. And understand that most of it is from many woman that have been or are the OW.

 

I am going to give you advice from the other (maybe even darker) side.

 

You need to know the following: He knew he was going to start banging you the day you started working there. Everything he has done is the typical grooming that often happens with OW.

 

Everyone said this was going to happen when you started your other thread.

 

Even with all the advice and all the stories of the pain and heartache that comes with being the OW, you still CHOOSE to go there.

 

My dear, you are on a path for a level of heartache and pain the you cannot fully understand.

 

I am asking you to be smart. Find another job, break up with your BF, and start a new life with out either of them...

[wmacbride]

Thanks everyone for the replies, I know I need to go to IC believe it or not I was meant to start years ago due to my past with my narcissistic parents but I avoided it scared to confront my deep scars.

 

I knew the path I was going down but like most of the problems I have I just pushed it aside in favour of my happiness no worries=no problems now I’m in a hole and I’ve given MM the shovel. Adotta that’s a good idea next time he messages me to take me somewhere sex will be off the table that’ll be the slap in the face I need to see what he really thinks of me.

 

I feel like I’m being unfaithful to him having a bf I know that sounds strange

 

OP,

I'm not sure where I saw it, but I once read a theory that, sometimes in our adult relationships, we seek to repeat the patterns we experienced as children, unhealthy as they may be. It could be there is a certain level of comfort in that...I don't know.

 

Is it possible that you are doing this?

[whatcomesnext]

To wmacbride’s point, a great article on the subject from an invaluable blog. https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/activation-when-someone-or-something-activates-old-issues/

[S2B]

You were vulnerable and ripe for an affair. Your MM tested you with texts - then when you responded kindly by participating, he took it further (testing again) - then when YOU proved the coast was clear he proceeded as expected.

 

It's predictable.

 

I'll tell you what's NOT predictable... when YOU start being demanding and expecting MORE! Do that! You'll see just how UNwilling he is to upset his home life FOR YOU... and that should show you that you are a second thought and second priority to him.

 

 

He's playing you - only because you are willing to play along.

 

There's NOTHING special about that - he's using you because YOU allow it.

[Adotta]

Thanks everyone for the replies, I know I need to go to IC believe it or not I was meant to start years ago due to my past with my narcissistic parents but I avoided it scared to confront my deep scars.

 

I knew the path I was going down but like most of the problems I have I just pushed it aside in favour of my happiness no worries=no problems now I’m in a hole and I’ve given MM the shovel. Adotta that’s a good idea next time he messages me to take me somewhere sex will be off the table that’ll be the slap in the face I need to see what he really thinks of me.

 

I feel like I’m being unfaithful to him having a bf I know that sounds strange

 

If you don't want to tear your boyfriends heart out dump him now. Give him whatever excuse you can. This is a major service to him. This is NOT because your bad or evil or ugly or anything like that. A woman cheating on a man can destroy his self confidence. Self confidence is the key to any man succeeding at just about anything in life. Don't scar this guy for life.

 

You might want to look into any daddy issues you have. You might also want to look into power dynamics. The allure of a boss type can be deadly, especially when the man knows what he's doing. He's older strong confident. He makes you feel safe. He has authority. he could have chased anyone but he chased you!! he is risking everything to be with you!! The older boss figure seems to hit alot of keynotes in a woman's mind. I'll tell you right now the likely hood of this guy being serious is less then 25 percent. The likely hood of this guy divorcing his wife ..... is much lower. He has too much to lose. Children, car, house, savings, job. He will do the math and he will decide to string you along for as long as he can. Heck he might actually believe he loves you. That won't change a thing though.

 

The price of this relationship will fall squarely on your shoulders. He's being a typical male trying to get side action. He seems perfect but that because he is telling you just about anything he thinks you want to hear.

 

Maybe this guy is for real. I can't know that. But please at the very least give yourself a time limit. Say...... 6 months to a year. If he's not mid divorce by then you need to let him go. Some of the women on this board have wasted half thier lives waiting around for men who never really cared about them. It's sad. Don't let it be you. I really feel IC will do you wonders. Find a good councilor.

 

Good luck.

[S2B]

Why can't you believe it? You knew every time you communicated with him you were becoming his OW? You made decisions that lead to that.

 

Why are you saying you can't believe it when you made conscious decisions every single day that lead to this result?

[Floating Lilly]

Thankyou ladies for your replies, I know a lot of my childhood issues are impacting me now, not that I don’t take responsibility for pushing them away and moving forward blindly I was always as a child looking for reasssurance or someone to take care of me, guide me through my life th stronger more confident the better. I pushed away negativity bending over backwards for approval that never came my parents gaslighted me throughout my early childhood and teens where I knew something was wrong but had my mind twisted to where in the end it was a mistake I made and everything is actually ok they were both confident and strong, manipulating even to where I now feel like I’m bad for moving away

 

When I finally got the courage to move out of home I moved straight in with my current bf we had planned to move in together so it was my escape route which now I think about sounds so cruel towards him I saw him as tough and a protector

 

Wmacbride your right I carry on the trend of my childhood I’m looking into counselling for myself although I’m pretty scared to lay it all out in the open for them I know I need to let it all out one thing I’m scared of is being told it was all in my head and actually I was in the wrong and a bad child probably why I avoided it for so long.

My bf doesn’t deserve what I’ve done to him no matter what I feel about him and his behaviours I’m much worse and I’ve dragged him into this instead of taking responsibility for myself.

 

I haven’t seen MM at work but he messaged and called me throughout the day but the day times I sleep before doing my night shift and by the time I woke up it was already late. I know I will have to break away and I’m building my strength up to do that I don’t want anyone to get hurt because of my actions. Reading the stories on here helps me to see that my decisions and my choices are my own.

[S2B]

Do you plan to leave that job? You'll find it much harder to end the affair if you stay working around him.

 

 

Map out a plan - and take action to make things happen - with the BF and with the MM.

 

A fresh start may be very healthy for you.

[Floating Lilly]

Do you plan to leave that job? You'll find it much harder to end the affair if you stay working around him.

 

 

Map out a plan - and take action to make things happen - with the BF and with the MM.

 

A fresh start may be very healthy for you.

 

S2B yes I do I have to working around him and then tying to fix myself isn’t going to work out well for me. It’ll be too easy to run to him for attention or to make me feel better

[Lehcar1012]

Thanks everyone for the replies, I know I need to go to IC believe it or not I was meant to start years ago due to my past with my narcissistic parents but I avoided it scared to confront my deep scars.

 

I knew the path I was going down but like most of the problems I have I just pushed it aside in favour of my happiness no worries=no problems now I’m in a hole and I’ve given MM the shovel. Adotta that’s a good idea next time he messages me to take me somewhere sex will be off the table that’ll be the slap in the face I need to see what he really thinks of me.

 

I feel like I’m being unfaithful to him having a bf I know that sounds strange

 

 

Get out now. Read my story and others on here. I had an EA for 3 and a half years. It turned into a PA just over a year ago. My life is ruined. My son hasn't talked to me in 7 months. And now MM is moving across the country to get out of this A and its his one last chance to save his family after 3 ddays. I am devastated. You might think its fun and exciting for now. But it is a slow torture being the OW and you will be miserable before you know it. He will not choose you.And you will take whatever breadcrumbs he gives you until there's nothing left of your self esteem. And even if he did choose you there will be a path of destruction cause by you and him. It's not worth it.

Edited March 1, 2018 by Lehcar1012

[Adotta]

Thankyou ladies for your replies, I know a lot of my childhood issues are impacting me now, not that I don’t take responsibility for pushing them away and moving forward blindly I was always as a child looking for reasssurance or someone to take care of me, guide me through my life th stronger more confident the better. I pushed away negativity bending over backwards for approval that never came my parents gaslighted me throughout my early childhood and teens where I knew something was wrong but had my mind twisted to where in the end it was a mistake I made and everything is actually ok they were both confident and strong, manipulating even to where I now feel like I’m bad for moving away

 

When I finally got the courage to move out of home I moved straight in with my current bf we had planned to move in together so it was my escape route which now I think about sounds so cruel towards him I saw him as tough and a protector

 

Wmacbride your right I carry on the trend of my childhood I’m looking into counselling for myself although I’m pretty scared to lay it all out in the open for them I know I need to let it all out one thing I’m scared of is being told it was all in my head and actually I was in the wrong and a bad child probably why I avoided it for so long.

My bf doesn’t deserve what I’ve done to him no matter what I feel about him and his behaviours I’m much worse and I’ve dragged him into this instead of taking responsibility for myself.

 

I haven’t seen MM at work but he messaged and called me throughout the day but the day times I sleep before doing my night shift and by the time I woke up it was already late. I know I will have to break away and I’m building my strength up to do that I don’t want anyone to get hurt because of my actions. Reading the stories on here helps me to see that my decisions and my choices are my own.

 

You won't hurt your boyfriend much if you leave him. YOU WILL HURT HIM FOR REAL if you leave him for another man. There is a difference.

 

Unless your sure you truly LOVE love your boyfriend. You need to let him go. Don't drag him though hell because your struggling.

 

If you believe you truly love your boyfriend and want to stay with him.... tell the truth. You obviously have regret. Your struggling with issues that stem from childhood and more. I am too.

 

I think you are very codependent and looking for a father/white night figure to protect you. That figure was your boyfriend. He was your protector. Now it's this mm. He has what appears to you to be more power and control. I'm sure he is more confident. He has years of experience under his belt. I'm sure you adore him. I'm sure he appears to have EVERYTHING under control.

BUT that's not love.... and he does NOT have everything under control.

 

I've got family issues of my own and it can be super hard to pick through old memories and try to understand what they mean and how they effect me. A councilor WILL help with this. Do not worry they are trained to not judge and have seen situations that make yours look like a walk in the park. We can only help you so much. There is nothing to be ashamed of no matter what happened in your childhood. Even the decisions you are making now... while bad ones do NOT make you a monster. Please if have the time read my thread. I'm just starting out on my path to recover and you can too. The shame of revealing my story to a real person was palpable! It get easier. You have to start somewhere.

 

Keep posting here. And PLEASE talk to somone. It's important. Make sure they are somone you trust with good morals. You need somone you can TALK with as a touch stone.

[Floating Lilly]

You won't hurt your boyfriend much if you leave him. YOU WILL HURT HIM FOR REAL if you leave him for another man. There is a difference.

 

I think you are very codependent and looking for a father/white night figure to protect you. That figure was your boyfriend. He was your protector. Now it's this mm. He has what appears to you to be more power and control. I'm sure he is more confident. He has years of experience under his belt. I'm sure you adore him. I'm sure he appears to have EVERYTHING under control.

BUT that's not love.... and he does NOT have everything under control.

 

Keep posting here. And PLEASE talk to somone. It's important. Make sure they are somone you trust with good morals. You need somone you can TALK with as a touch stone.

 

I was reading up on codependency today when I got home from work and it definitely sounds like myself. I’ve also been looking back on my past relationships and seen that I’ve gone from man to man jumping to the next highest protector in the ranks. In doing that for so many years I guess I’ve lessened my standards in favour of feeling safe, I’m quite quick to justify dismissing one person in favour of the next one. MM only texted me once today he told me he’s out with family and he will see me tomorrow morning when I finish my shift he said he’s going to come in early to see me. I’m dreading it actually seeing him face to face. When he texted me I felt like my mind was a yo-yo just back and fourth with see he does care no he doesn’t thoughts

 

I have an appointment for IC next week I don’t think I’ll be confident enough to speak about a lot of things so I’ve written a few topics down that I know I need to focus on

[Adotta]

I was reading up on codependency today when I got home from work and it definitely sounds like myself. I’ve also been looking back on my past relationships and seen that I’ve gone from man to man jumping to the next highest protector in the ranks. In doing that for so many years I guess I’ve lessened my standards in favour of feeling safe, I’m quite quick to justify dismissing one person in favour of the next one. MM only texted me once today he told me he’s out with family and he will see me tomorrow morning when I finish my shift he said he’s going to come in early to see me. I’m dreading it actually seeing him face to face. When he texted me I felt like my mind was a yo-yo just back and fourth with see he does care no he doesn’t thoughts

 

I have an appointment for IC next week I don’t think I’ll be confident enough to speak about a lot of things so I’ve written a few topics down that I know I need to focus on

 

A woman wanting to feel protected is normal. But you have to break this cycle. Men are not tools. Try to get a female councilor. It should be easier for you then.

 

Also as sad as it is this guy probably dies not care for you all that much. He's attracted and wants sex. He will tell you what you want to hear. If you complain about your boyfriend being xyz blah blah blah... then he will be the opposite of that. It's a well known formula. There are even forum posts on this forum where men explain thier formula for getting with women who are taken. It's easy and you probably where flashing signals that told him you where wipe for an affair.

 

You can find a man that is both secure AND somone you can love. I honestly think you need to be alone for a while. You need to be able to stand on your own two feet for a while. It may bring things into focus for you.

Edited March 1, 2018 by Adotta

[S2B]

Do you plan to leave that job? You'll find it much harder to end the affair if you stay working around him.

 

 

Map out a plan - and take action to make things happen - with the BF and with the MM.

 

A fresh start may be very healthy for you.

 

S2B yes I do I have to working around him and then tying to fix myself isn’t going to work out well for me. It’ll be too easy to run to him for attention or to make me feel better

 

Do you plan to leave that job?