Can’t believe I’m here as the OW

[Floating Lilly]

I do plan on leaving. There’s other departments in the hotel I could move to but as you say S2B a fresh start would probably be best for me

[Sampson]

You are only seeing a fantasy in your MM. He is only showing, talking, and doing what he thinks you will like. You are creating the perfect person every conversation, every text message, every meeting you have together. It is all so perfect. Because you are compartmentalized in his life, he and you make it perfect by leaving out real life. But in reality it is not a true authentic relationship, he does not share his moody mornings, anger or outbursts, responsibilities, bills, and when he discusses his family he seems like the perfect man (but in reality he is emotionally murdering his family). Am I close?

 

And as you dive deeper into dependency on his attention to feel good inside about yourself. You will start to alienate those who care or are close to you, keep secrets from them, distance communication, till your world revolves around him. And he will like it that way. But hey he doesn't have to be there, account for his whereabouts, tell you everything, he just compartmentalizes you and feeds you exactly what you need to keep you hooked and quiet.

 

And as you boss, what happens if you pull away, don't keep quiet, don't play your part as a side piece, suddenly you are no longer the shiny penny and now just a reminder or a liability he will need to make you go away, quite, or possibly get fired.

 

I hope I didn't ramble to much. This is not a good situation you have got yourself into. Who do you want to be in life? How do you want to feel about yourself?

[S2B]

I do plan on leaving. There’s other departments in the hotel I could move to but as you say S2B a fresh start would probably be best for me

 

I vote for a fresh start! You see, the MM is holding a spot that an available man could fill - an available man could be offering you unlimited time and attention, possibly vacations, marriage and an extended family.

 

Any focus on this MM keeps you from obtaining a partner who makes you his top priority - his only priority.

 

Why settle? You shouldn't.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Y Because you are compartmentalized in his life, he and you make it perfect by leaving out real life.

 

Yup. His breath stinks in the morning, too! He's nothing special .

[Floating Lilly]

You are only seeing a fantasy in your MM. He is only showing, talking, and doing what he thinks you will like. You are creating the perfect person every conversation, every text message, every meeting you have together. It is all so perfect. Because you are compartmentalized in his life, he and you make it perfect by leaving out real life. But in reality it is not a true authentic relationship, he does not share his moody mornings, anger or outbursts, responsibilities, bills, and when he discusses his family he seems like the perfect man (but in reality he is emotionally murdering his family). Am I close?

 

Your right this is how me and MM are we don't talk about anything negative just us or doing something fun no talks about bills or food budget. Like us against the world in our little bubble. Coming on LS has made me see that this bubble world I've created for myself isn't so unique and one in a lifetime relationship it makes it all the more confusing emotions.

 

Emotions that I really don't want to feel anymore I don't want to feel connected to him, I had a bad day dream of his BS turning up with their kids and having it out with me with all the guests watching and my colleagues looking on, what would I say to defend myself nothing what could I say to clarify our love nothing because Id be standing there all on my own. MM messaged me he told me that he wants to see me today before I go home he had something for me my heart jumped like "oh really" big grin then my head went "he'll be running late as usual you'll be waiting for him to come in staying way past your shift time missing your train and your bus"

 

It's like walking through an emotional minefield blindfolded

 

I'm going to be having a sit down with my bf today my cousin has said I can stay in her spare room. That's one step in the right direction I hope.

[S2B]

You do know you can say no to the MM, right?

 

Start saying no every time he needs to see you - for anything!

 

And start looking to move jobs asap. Do not tell the MM!

[Floating Lilly]

You do know you can say no to the MM, right?

 

Start saying no every time he needs to see you - for anything!

 

And start looking to move jobs asap. Do not tell the MM!

 

 

I told him no I’m too tired to wait. He just replied a sad face. I’m still going I told myself he drives if it was so important this thing he wants to give to me why he not coming early.

[Floating Lilly]

Now I’m on my way home I didn’t wait for my MM but I have this guilt in my mind about not waiting I know it’s irrational but I feel bad

[Adotta]

Now I’m on my way home I didn’t wait for my MM but I have this guilt in my mind about not waiting I know it’s irrational but I feel bad

 

I'm so proud of you! Way to go. The journey out of this is taken one step at a time. There will be hard days. there will be days where you want to throw every gain out the window. Don't beat your self up for every mistake you make. Especially dont beat yourself up for what you feel. As long as you are really trying and not just throwing in a token effort you can only improve your situation. There will be days you feel horrible. But emotion follows action. It won't be instantly but if you want to feel a certain way take actions in line with that and somewhere along the way you will find yourself walking far down the path of life and looking at all this as ancient history wondering how it seemed so hard back then.

 

Our stories are not really exactly the same but I feel a strong connection to you. I'm emotionally invested in you already. We both had things happen to us as children that changed our understanding of relationships.

 

I hope you keep us updated and take care of yourself. I don't know your name or face or just about anything about you but it is already to the point that if you stopped posting suddenly I would get worried, sad and I would hope your ok.

 

Do you have any friends lily? Do you have anyone your close to? Someone like that will help you get through this. Even if you don't tell them what's wrong. Just a shoulder to lean on can do wonders. I broke down in front of my brother about a month ago. It was very embarrassing but it helped. He was there for me when I needed someone.

 

Do you have any hobbies? I threw myself into working out. It helped immensely. I would pop my ear buds in and just RUN and run and run.

[grass-hopper]

You are only seeing a fantasy in your MM. He is only showing, talking, and doing what he thinks you will like. You are creating the perfect person every conversation, every text message, every meeting you have together. It is all so perfect. Because you are compartmentalized in his life, he and you make it perfect by leaving out real life. But in reality it is not a true authentic relationship, he does not share his moody mornings, anger or outbursts, responsibilities, bills, and when he discusses his family he seems like the perfect man (but in reality he is emotionally murdering his family). Am I close?

 

This is very true. But he can’t hide behind the mask forever. Once he gets

comfortable enough he will start to show that ugly side to you. My MM did that often. Out of no where he’d take on a mood and make me feel like it was all my fault and then come back the next day without explanation or apology. Because I didn’t deserve that. Those sorrys went to his wife. Those explanations went to his wife. I was just the one he used for his own ego boost. Whether I was showering him with attention or whether I was taking his BS and not questioning. He could be anyone to me and I accepted him as the perfect man. He groomed me so much to the point that even right now I feel like I have lost everything in losing him. And he just threw me away like trash after all of it. It feels like he emotionally murderer me.

 

Please take my advice, and everyone else’s advice. End it now. It’s going to be hard. But it’s far worse when you’re the one left.

[Floating Lilly]

I'm so proud of you! Way to go. The journey out of this is taken one step at a time. There will be hard days. there will be days where you want to throw every gain out the window. Don't beat your self up for every mistake you make. Especially dont beat yourself up for what you feel. As long as you are really trying and not just throwing in a token effort you can only improve your situation. There will be days you feel horrible. But emotion follows action. It won't be instantly but if you want to feel a certain way take actions in line with that and somewhere along the way you will find yourself walking far down the path of life and looking at all this as ancient history wondering how it seemed so hard back then.

 

Our stories are not really exactly the same but I feel a strong connection to you. I'm emotionally invested in you already. We both had things happen to us as children that changed our understanding of relationships.

 

I hope you keep us updated and take care of yourself. I don't know your name or face or just about anything about you but it is already to the point that if you stopped posting suddenly I would get worried, sad and I would hope your ok.

 

Do you have any friends lily? Do you have anyone your close to? Someone like that will help you get through this. Even if you don't tell them what's wrong. Just a shoulder to lean on can do wonders. I broke down in front of my brother about a month ago. It was very embarrassing but it helped. He was there for me when I needed someone.

 

Do you have any hobbies? I threw myself into working out. It helped immensely. I would pop my ear buds in and just RUN and run and run.

 

 

Thankyou adotta for your support. I’m working the courage up to tell my cousin all of a sudden why I’m going to counselling and have moved out of my house.

 

My xbf and I left on pretty bad terms, I didn’t tell him about the MM but he was very angry that I was leaving him. Called me all sorts and told me a few home truths about myself, I just sat there and took it I’m having an affair with my married boss not like I can play the high and mighty card. I’m happy to be out of there

 

I’m going to throw myself back into my art and drawing that was my childhood escapism helps my mind to wander off.

[Sampson]

One day one decision at a time. Remember to wait pause think on any feeling or emotion before choosing a path. As the emotional rollercoaster mind games are going to begin.

 

Be prepared for your MM to manipulate your feelings to come back to him. Identify those attempts.

 

NC is best.

 

Read a book called "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass it's available on Amazon.

[Sampson]

P.S. His attempts will be coming at all directions because if you leave him, ignore him, say no, you have control. Also he will feel inadequate and that is not something he will like because he feels powerful so he will do just about anything to find your "on again" button. It's a trap!!

[S2B]

It doesn't matter if it's a gift he thinks he needs to give you.

 

The ONLY gift he needs to show you for consideration is final divorce papers - if it's not that - then don't bother with him at all! He's playing you for a fool.

[Floating Lilly]

It doesn't matter if it's a gift he thinks he needs to give you.

 

The ONLY gift he needs to show you for consideration is final divorce papers - if it's not that - then don't bother with him at all! He's playing you for a fool.

 

I agree, although I doubt this is a gift he’s going to present me with anytime soon. Who knows what he’s thinking or feeling. I do want to confront him about what’s happening I just want to know if he’s going through what I am

[Crazelnut]

I agree, although I doubt this is a gift he’s going to present me with anytime soon. Who knows what he’s thinking or feeling. I do want to confront him about what’s happening I just want to know if he’s going through what I am

 

Sweetie, this will serve no purpose. Knowing what he's going through will not change what you know you need to do. It will only make you weaker. Think of this situation like your cell phone. It's not plugged in to a charger. Each time you turn it on and interact with it, the battery runs down a little bit. Do that enough and the thing eventually runs out of power and is useless.

[grass-hopper]

One day one decision at a time. Remember to wait pause think on any feeling or emotion before choosing a path. As the emotional rollercoaster mind games are going to begin.

 

Wait... pause... think... I need to remember this. Because some moments the feelings are so intense that I want to text and pour my heart out to him and tell him I miss him and love him. But I know it won’t be reciprocated. Every feeling he had i took in. I reciprocated. And just as easy as they came in, they have been taken away. Like he just turned it off. How does that happen?

 

So wait, pause and think. Great advice

[Adotta]

P.S. His attempts will be coming at all directions because if you leave him, ignore him, say no, you have control. Also he will feel inadequate and that is not something he will like because he feels powerful so he will do just about anything to find your "on again" button. It's a trap!!

 

Sampson is spot on. This isn't about love for him in all likelihood. It's about him feeling like king ****. Your a notch in his belt right now. If you walk away from him he will feel like he ain't such a hot **** stud anymore. All men want to feel like they're studs. It's just this man is willing to sacrifice YOU to get that feeling.

 

As long as your hung up over him he can feel like a bad ass mofo.

 

If you truly want his advances to stop , the best way is to out him to his wife. There is the drawback of your work being involved and I believe your not ready for that quite yet but hold it in reserve. If the time comes and you decide unequivocally that your done with him and you want him to stop you can always use his job and wife as a threat to make him stop.

 

Again I think you need to be alone for a while. You should bunker down and work on you. Is there something you wanted to accomplish but never had the time? Maybe you have some vacations days built up? Being around this guy is going to play hell with your ability to think. No matter what he does you will be analyzing everything he does for hidden meaning.

 

And don't get me wrong. This guy might not even intend to use you. Most people need to convince themselves what they are doing is ok when they do somthing bad. This guy might not be a "bad apple" but that doesn't change the end of this story any. You wondering if he feels the same accomplishes nothing.

 

If you find out he loves you and is in pain.... it just makes it that much harder to leave. If you find out he is a cold hearted narcissistic then you will feel like crap for being used. There is no upside to learning his true feeling and no way to verify the truth of them anyways. It's an exercise of futility.

Edited March 4, 2018 by Adotta

[Floating Lilly]

I’ve spent so many hours analysing and trying to pick out details of what he says that makes me understand him. Telling his wife right now seems so much of a betrayal to him but I think that’s my own skewed perception.

 

I don’t know if I’m holding out for him to confess his undying love for me just to feel like these sleepless nights and emotional rollercoasters were for nothing.

[Adotta]

I’ve spent so many hours analysing and trying to pick out details of what he says that makes me understand him. Telling his wife right now seems so much of a betrayal to him but I think that’s my own skewed perception.

 

I don’t know if I’m holding out for him to confess his undying love for me just to feel like these sleepless nights and emotional rollercoasters were for nothing.

 

I did that too. I tried analyzing and hoping I meant something profound to her. It didn't help. The only way I could decouple from her was to realize, EVEN IF she loved me with the intensity of a thousand suns, me and her together where poison. I could do better. Alot better. she was hot great in bed and smart. that's NOT ENOUGH. There are 3 and a half billion men out there. There are better ones then thus guy. If this guy was talking divorce and making efforts and I mean serious efforts to leave his wife you would stand a chance. But he's not. And don't take this as an excuse to stick around till he does want to leave his wife. That never works out.

 

I feel like your reverting. You had such good introspection happening. You where beginning to understand the why of what draws you to a new man so easily. You where begging to dig. I feel like you are back to accepting crumbs. Back to being his little pet.

 

How is working out a councilor going?

[Floating Lilly]

I did that too. I tried analyzing and hoping I meant something profound to her. It didn't help. The only way I could decouple from her was to realize, EVEN IF she loved me with the intensity of a thousand suns, me and her together where poison. I could do better. Alot better. she was hot great in bed and smart. that's NOT ENOUGH. There are 3 and a half billion men out there. There are better ones then thus guy. If this guy was talking divorce and making efforts and I mean serious efforts to leave his wife you would stand a chance. But he's not. And don't take this as an excuse to stick around till he does want to leave his wife. That never works out.

 

I feel like your reverting. You had such good introspection happening. You where beginning to understand the why of what draws you to a new man so easily. You where begging to dig. I feel like you are back to accepting crumbs. Back to being his little pet.

 

How is working out a councilor going?

 

 

It’s going well I’ve enlisted the help from my cousin finally told her everything what’s been going on. It feels nice to just get out all my feelings instead of only having my mind to think and think and think and then come to my own conclusions. I’m worried about going back to work as MM will be there on my first night back. But I will try to stay strong only talk about work anything else I need to shut down.

 

My cousin says that i need to tell him I’m done I’m scared to and I feel so stupid for putting myself in a situation where my life is now turned upside down my head is mush and my job could be at risk

[S2B]

Just find a NEW job asap...and don't say one thing about it to the MM.

 

Don't tell him you're leaving and don't say where you're going!

[Poppy47]

Just find a NEW job asap...and don't say one thing about it to the MM.

 

Don't tell him you're leaving and don't say where you're going!

 

This is without a doubt the best thing you can do. Just leave and don't look back.

Poppy

[Floating Lilly]

Just find a NEW job asap...and don't say one thing about it to the MM.

 

Don't tell him you're leaving and don't say where you're going!

 

This is what I’m planning to do I’ve already started looking

[Floating Lilly]

UPDATE: Tonight is my first day back at work wasn’t expecting to see my MM today but he was in the office when I got in, I was polite and so was he until we were left in the office alone out came the pouring of the heart. He missed me, he hated not talking to me. I told him you didn’t message me at all on my days off I wouldn’t have answers but it’s not like I’ve been ignoring phone calls or anything. He told me he was busy with the family and he could t get away from his phone. I said I didn’t want to be a toilet phone call or a hide round the corner text. He said the usual fluff talk that he hates how he’s making me feel and that I deserve more and he wants to give me more. Then he dropped a bombshell told me that he wants to leave her but to give him time to get things sorted, I asked him get what sorted. He said he needs to figure out the kids situation I said divorce proceedings would do that, he said he needs to figure out the house and assets I said again divorce proceedings would help you with that.

 

He seemed stunned that I wasn’t falling in his arms or on my knees praising him. I said you figure out your marriage stay with her don’t stay, move out do t move out that’s up to you. I’m not waiting for you to figure things out for years so you can leave or sneak out of your situation. He said he loved me I said do you really people that love each other don’t say I wanted to call you but I was with family people that love each other don’t say wait for me to figure out my marriage and kids. People that love each other do everything they can to be together in an instant.

 

I asked him when he left for work did he tell his wife he loved her, he didn’t answer me. I’m embarrassed to say I had tears in my eyes at this point and I let him hug me. I said if you loved me you would say I filed for a divorce and I’m looking for a place so as not to uproot my kids this is what I’m doing so we can be together. He told me to trust him give him a few more months to get his stuff together that it’s not easy just to walk away from his kids that he loves me and wants to be with me.

 

I know walking away from your children isn’t easy and being a part time parent isn’t easy but millions of people do it. They do it for all sorts of reasons. Am I not worth it happiness with me isn’t worth it it seems. He sent me a a message saying trust me Lilly I love you more than anything and I’ll do what’s right by you I want it to be you and me.