Can’t believe I’m here as the OW

[whatcomesnext]

I’ve never been in your particular position Lilly, but I’ll give you my thoughts anyway. First, good job holding your ground and not succumbing. If he is serious, let him work out his situation and start things with you when it’s resolved. Second, if he is serious about divorcing (which it’s too soon to tell), have you considered whether you seriously want to be with him? He’s making it sound like he is leaving the marriage to be with you. Again, it remains to be seen whether this is all talk, but if it is not and you don’t know if you love him you might consider telling him that he should divorce for his own reasons and not solely because of you. Even if you do love him you should want him to divorce for reasons separate from you. That’s a lot of pressure to put on a relationship that is still in its early stages.

[Floating Lilly]

I’ve never been in your particular position Lilly, but I’ll give you my thoughts anyway. First, good job holding your ground and not succumbing. If he is serious, let him work out his situation and start things with you when it’s resolved. Second, if he is serious about divorcing (which it’s too soon to tell), have you considered whether you seriously want to be with him? He’s making it sound like he is leaving the marriage to be with you. Again, it remains to be seen whether this is all talk, but if it is not and you don’t know if you love him you might consider telling him that he should divorce for his own reasons and not solely because of you. Even if you do love him you should want him to divorce for reasons separate from you. That’s a lot of pressure to put on a relationship that is still in its early stages.

 

To be honest I feel like I do love him, him saying he wants out of the marriage has thrown me but I don’t trust that I love him because I love him and it’s a genuine connection or it’s my mind convincing me that I love him. This is why I’m goinng to counselling. This starts on Friday and I don’t know what the outcome for my mind will be, I don’t want him to leave for me specifically as fairytale romance as this is if he’s unhappy then he needs to leave not just to be in a new exciting relationship. Maybe he doesn’t love her and needed that push to leave again that has to be his own decision regarding his marriage. If he truly loves me and cares for me then he would understand the time I need to take for myself and would support me in that. If we were to jump into a relationship together right out of divorce he may use that as ammo against me and I would feel obliged to stay because of his sacrifice this is again giving him power to use me. This is something I’m not in the mood for this is the first time I’ve taken time for my own mind and actually allowed it to speak I don’t want to lock it away again to appease others.

 

This is what I have to tell him face to face I don’t know what he’ll say, he may file tomorrow, confess his love to me to the world and we walk off into the sunset together who knows but I need to start a relationship with my own power and stability firmly in place.

 

Right now my brain is just mush my imagination is running wild my mind is filling in blanks that it shouldn’t.

[S2B]

You should still get a new job asap.

 

If he wants to divorce he will. You don't need to be standing there watching every ugly detail...it's not pretty.

 

He seems like a branch swinger - one of those guys that has to have another gal lined up to go to - to be sure he's not alone.

 

Honesty alone would do him a world of good! He needs to process the end of his marriage and the role he played in that. That he's cheated his wife out of an authentic and honest marriage. That he had an OW and how he can learn how not to cheat again...on you if he divorces. And he needs to learn how to be a better husband!

 

Don't be so quick to be happy about this - yet. He has to crawl through a HUGE pile of crap to get to the other side - and he may be bitter once he gets there because not only will he be divorced but he will likely be paying a hefty part of his paycheck to her and the kids...and he will be on his own taking care of those kids when he has them...that's a whole new world.

 

Let him be without you. You are the distraction, the fantasy and the temptation.

 

 

Just stay out of ALL of it until his divorce is final. You'll thank yourself. Get that new job and tell him not to contact you until he is a free man.

 

Remember, it's not flattering that a man will ruin his marriage for a woman - it actually shows what a jerk he actually is. You don't actually know him - you only know who you THINK he is.

 

Good luck, happy job hunting.

[Floating Lilly]

Hi S2B that’s still my plan, I need a fresh start in my job somewhere new, I can’t hold his head above water whilst I’m barely gasping for air. I have never witnessed anyone going through a divorce but what I’ve read it’s a painstaking painful process which he needs to sort out with his wife his kids, finance and his own thoughts and feelings. It can’t be just because he thinks I’m there to hold his hand whilst he does it and take on his responsibilities jointly. He needs to go through this as a single man I can’t allow myself to be the crutch.

 

You’re right I will tell him not to contact me during his divorce if he is actually going to go through it who knows. And only after not only when the divorce is final but when he’s settled and improving himself as a better person a good father. Not that it’s only him I also played a role in his failings as a husband knowing I’m the distraction from problems is something I will carry around with me knowing the time he took from his wife and kids was because I allowed him to do so I wanted him to do so rather than telling him to go home

 

I know the part I played in this affair and I’m not proud of the deceit or the part I’ve played in his decision. If it’s all true and he does divorce then we both need to make sure we can be better people to figure ourselves out and to not cheat again. The blind can’t lead the blind it needs to be a separate effort not just half an effort because we decide to be together. I’m thankful for all the input and blunt honesty I’ve gotten on ls left to my own mind I would’ve just carried on as I was.

[Sampson]

Told you in a prior post the mind games would begin.

 

He doesn't need time to figure out assets and kids. Divorce proceedings in most if not all states take up to and over a year with mediation meetings where these things are worked out between the parties.

 

His wife has no idea that there is an issue in the marriage or that he is sleeping around. Hence why he "couldn't talk or text because he was with his family" so everything was great and he was having a good time with his wife and kids and didn't want to ruin it. See the obvious holes in his story here.

 

He is going to tell you what ever you want to hear or hook onto so he can continue his affair with you.

 

His words will be rainbows and unicorn farts whatever he thinks you want to hear.

 

Please separate yourself from this toxic situation. Just trying to help.

[S2B]

There's nothing good that will come from ANY communication with him.

 

That is why it was better when you said you wouldn't respond to him at all.

 

He's manipulating you. Mainly because you decided to even listen to him!

 

Can you see that? EVERY opportunity he gets - he's gonna fill you with lies of being hopeful he will divorce. But it's always gonna be in "the future".

 

He's a future faker.

 

Call his wife and ask her if she knows they are divorcing - tell him you're gonna confirm everything with her - if he's divorcing her he should have no problem with you finding the truth!

 

Don't talk to him after that and don't listen either. Tell him to stay away until his divorce is final! In the meantime - start dating available men! Like now!

[Vivir]

Hi there Lilly, I agree with Sampson and S2B... and Whatcomesnext...

 

He might be telling you the truth... but his actions haven't been matching his words... and until they do, he is both biding his time and wasting yours.

 

Thus, what he said is ALL TALK.

 

Meanwhile, there are quite a few contradictions between what he said and what he did that stood out to me in your post. You have pointed out these contradictions - so has S2B and Sampson.

 

Awareness is key.

 

Most of the time, you can count on people to do what is in their own best interests. If there is a benefit for you, you can bet there is a benefit for the other person... This is something that you already know; I am just reminding you.

 

I think it's great that you are standing your ground here and questioning his words. My impression of your latest interaction is that he will keep adding it on if the previous words no longer work on you.

 

Can you find a way to pretend to be indifferent to his words? (extremely

hard, I know)

 

Keep questioning him; make it harder and harder for him to win at manipulating your decisions.

[Floating Lilly]

I guess I thought that hearing him out meant that I could stick up for myself put him straight on how I feel. But if he’s going to use that to get at me more then you guys are right I need to not speak to him at all except for work and I can make that minimal I have to be strong it’s such a battle

[Adotta]

I guess I thought that hearing him out meant that I could stick up for myself put him straight on how I feel. But if he’s going to use that to get at me more then you guys are right I need to not speak to him at all except for work and I can make that minimal I have to be strong it’s such a battle

 

Honestly at this point he has to prove he is leaving her. He has to file for divorce. Anything short of that is just flapping lips.

 

Don't sit around a wait. Don't talk to him about anything but business. Don't let him chat you up because he will use it as a wedge to start things back up. If you can't cut him off at least do NOT go physical again. Let him prove his words before that.

 

It's just a few months if he files now then you can start a proper relationship with him. I'm not going to tell you this relationship is doomed from the start but as long as he is married this is a big waste of your time and a huge weight on your soul. I know your afraid. Afraid that he doesn't love you enough and if you go cold on him he will leave. If he does leave it only proves his pretty words as lies.

 

Yes divorce is hard. Especially with kids. But that is not your problem. This is a messy situation. Keep your own dignity and self respect and you will be fine. And realize he isn't the be all end all. There are other great men out ther.

 

Also even if you do end up with this guy go to counciling. You have some stuff that needs working out and if you don't the same could happen with this guy that happened with the last.

 

Spend the next few months keeping your distance from him but keep an eye on him. See if his words ring true with his ACTIONS. Work on yourself in the meanwhile. a truly happy and healthy person can be happy alone. Having a partner is nice but your life can't revolve around always having some attached at your hip. Figure this out and your finding a recipe for an awsome and happy and healthy life. Any relationship you have with this guy will only be enhanced by any gains you make through introspection and counciling.

 

Sorry if there are any spelling issues I'm at work and I don't have much time to check Grammer and spelling issues.

[Floating Lilly]

I had my first therapy session today, I think it went ok I was surprised at how much I just spoke and spoke and spoke without being cut off or being told no your wrong. It was refreshing although she probably thought I was an emotional wreck

 

MM called me a lot today I ignored him, he texted me saying I miss you but I just deleted the message. Today when I came into work I was professional towards him although it was a struggle not going back into our old routine as I felt so drained from letting all my emotions out I just needed a hug and someone’s comfort but I went to get some cake from our kitchen instead. he tried to start conversations about us, including his divorce and I just exscused myself from the office I went into the bathroom and just stood against the wall hoping he would leave by the time I get back. I just felt such a pull towards him my head was saying go to him it was like it was screaming it at me but I waited and waited.

 

When I got back he was still there, waiting for me I don’t know but he said he left me a note not open for everyone to see but just for me, he left suddenly when he got a call no guessing at who it was from but I’m trying to not let my mind wander into that, I thought to myself open the note then throw it away but I shredded it. I still feel like a wreck and want to reach out to him but my mind is conflicted so much pushing me to him and pulling me away, right now the pull is stronger.

[S2B]

Stay strong! I think you did a good job...he seems determined to keep you in the corner (so to speak).

 

He's not gonna make it easy to get away from his smooth talking lies...that's for sure.

 

It is possible you may need to be frank with him by holding your hand up and saying "no, I don't want to hear you out anymore."

 

If he asks why - you can state there is NOTHING more to say unless his divorce is FINAL. Nothing more!

 

Mainly - he's married! And until he's divorced - he is someone else's husband and shouldn't be having any personal conversations that try to make you feel more connected to him! If he's not divorced - then he's married...and all his words are just lies to waste your time on him.

[Sampson]

That pull you feel towards him, to open the note, to hear his words, that is just your mind telling you how easy it is to just give into those good feelings no matter the consequences... think drug addiction.

 

You are doing well, but he will not stop until you tell him to. He will keep making you feel special, making you feel responsible for his pain, etc.

 

Keep strong, you are worth more than that. More than a married man's side piece.

[Sampson]

As time goes by I think you will clearly see that it was those feelings, the attention, the drug addiction, fantasy that you were craving and in love with. Not the man, it could have been anyone. It was the way he made you feel. But that is his way of stepping out and not having responsibilities or have to be accountable to anyone or for anything he says. His play thing.

[Floating Lilly]

Stay strong! I think you did a good job...he seems determined to keep you in the corner (so to speak).

 

He's not gonna make it easy to get away from his smooth talking lies...that's for sure.

 

It is possible you may need to be frank with him by holding your hand up and saying "no, I don't want to hear you out anymore."

 

If he asks why - you can state there is NOTHING more to say unless his divorce is FINAL. Nothing more!

 

Mainly - he's married! And until he's divorced - he is someone else's husband and shouldn't be having any personal conversations that try to make you feel more connected to him! If he's not divorced - then he's married...and all his words are just lies to waste your time on him.

 

 

I think you’re right about him trying to keep me in a corner, most of my past relationships I’ve been the follower type which gives bad guys an ego boost I guess having a ready made toy to play with whenever. It’s quite backswards thinking on my part as to me that was when I felt safest having someone else take the reigns with my parents I my mind was molded so much that what they said was gospel truth even if it was damaging to me. Another thing I have to talk about in IC

 

As for MM I haven’t answered his calls, I saw in our events log that his brother is having a birthday in one of our halls and he has put down his wife and 2kids as guests, when I saw it I got jealous that here they are in the open out and proud and then I got scared if I was to see his wife face to face with the kids would she know by my face, what if he files would they still come as a couple, I know I’m working on that day.

 

I injected myself into their life divorce or no divorce I need to get myself out stay away and focus on me. My cousin asked me a question yesterday about whether I would be happy if he got divorced, finalised everything, sorted out counselling for himself and contacted me and I honestly couldnt answer her I feel ashamed about that

 

I’ve been ona rollercoaster of emotions and just thought of myself being in this situation, how many years can I be walking on eggshells waiting in the wings. I have to get myself off of this drug I not only made my life harder by getting involved with a MM but my work life aswel staying away from someone that I not only work with but is my superior is torture. Jobhunting helps hopefully soon I will hear something

[S2B]

Good work not taking his calls! He's not divorcing her - he wouldn't list her as a guest to the party if he intended to leave her.

 

Move forward with your new job plans. Don't even tell him when you get a new job.

 

And call in sick the day of that party! That way you don't have to see him snuggling up to her.

[Floating Lilly]

Good work not taking his calls! He's not divorcing her - he wouldn't list her as a guest to the party if he intended to leave her.

 

Move forward with your new job plans. Don't even tell him when you get a new job.

 

And call in sick the day of that party! That way you don't have to see him snuggling up to her.

 

My cousin called me this morning we’re going for breakfast I told her about the party and she said “ there you go either way he’s not a good man, if he is planning to divorce her why is he going to be at a party with her playing happy families blindsiding her instead of distancing himself being respectful to her and if he’s going with her as her husband and partner then he’s lying to you”

 

The only time I’ll tell him is when I hand in my notice to HR and they tell him

[S2B]

Whatever you do - don't tell him where your next job will be.

[Sampson]

Wait, Pause, Think

 

I am going to try to describe something here, hopefully I don't mess it up.

 

As you feel ashamed, anger, and hurt by this affair this obviously is a low and the feelings of good words, carefree times, etc. is a high. This is a similar to a drug addiction you want to feel those feelings even if there are not good for you. And as you pull away it will hurt, this is giving him power making it easier over time because you are doing the work you are pulling away you are hurt, ashamed, etc. You have to recognize this "slack or space" in the emotions and work to ensure it doesn't have a power over you and your choices.

[Floating Lilly]

HI everyone

 

Just thought I’d give an update on what’s happening it’s been pretty full on with MM these past days, messaging me and calling at all hours. He’s rescheduled his days to work late when I’m working which has made it hard to resist going backwards. His wife called him when he was staying later than usual I heard him tell her I told you I was staying late he then exscused himself from the office.

I’m not sure what he told her but it’s hard to keep my mind from wondering what he said to appease her. When he came back he told me that he wanted us to go somewhere for the weekend so we have time alone to talk about us, that we need to figure out or plan when he gets his divorce, he wants to get us a house somewhere new and he wants to leave his job so that people won’t talk bad about me behind my back.

 

My heart thought oh he’s thinking about my needs but then my head took over I said to him “so you want us to get a fresh start so you don’t have to face what you did when we’re walking down the street you want to leave this job so no one here knows about us and what we did and what you did so your reputation to your colleagues is all good. Tell me how your divorce is going?” Ofcourse he didn’t answer

 

I’m trying to stay professional and ignore him but I just want to scream and shout at him and tell him exactly what I truly think of him. I know I’m no innocent but it seems I’m the only one battling with my mind.

 

My cousin told me to tell his wife if he doesn’t back off, selfishly I don’t want to it’ll bring him into the real world but also myself I know that telling her would be me trying to escape him but selfishly I know I don’t want someone to hold that mirror up to me just yet. It’s hard enough to hold it up myself.

 

My jobhunting is going really well got an interview next week so fingers crossed.

[S2B]

Stay strong! Keep asking EVERY single time why he hasn't filed for divorce if he intends to be with you.

 

Then tell him not to speak to you about ANYTHING personal unless he's filed and then when it's final! Anything less is just wasting your time listening to his total lies!

 

If he didn't care about his wife he wouldn't have answered her call at all - but he did. He also stepped out for more conversations with her to lie further to her.

 

This isn't an honest man - this is a man lying to two women so he can use both of them to suit his selfish needs.

 

Ignore him! He's seriously offered you NOTHING.

 

If he intends to buy a house - he can prove his love by paying cash and putting it in your name ONLY! That's the least he can do for stringing you along.

 

I think letting him know if he talks personal stuff to you and you'll tell his wife what he's been doing is a great idea!

[Sampson]

It is hard, it is torture. But keep your head.

 

The words and promises are less than honest or genuine. This is his way of dealing with loosing control. No longer being able to capture your attention at the drop of a text, joke, or walking into a room. He doesn't feel so powerful or wanted and he doesn't like that so he wants to figure out what your button is to get you back on the affair train. It will only get worse until you draw the line and put a stop to it because he has no penalty for trying so why not right?

 

Buying a house, quitting a job, leaving friends but he can't do the right thing and divorce his wife. So he just lies to her stringing her along with her feeling the marriage is great. Making plans to attend parties and events with her loving husband etc.

 

You deserve better. You can do better, you are better than this. You just have to demand it of yourself.

 

Affairs are so destructive to everyone involved

[Floating Lilly]

 

I think letting him know if he talks personal stuff to you and you'll tell his wife what he's been doing is a great idea!

 

I told him this yesterday when he told me he had proof of a divorce papers coming through the look on his face made me feel so pathetic, it was that look of no you won’t and you never will because you love me. He hasn’t messaged me though so maybe a part of him feels but just incase I won’t.

 

Whatever the reason I’m glad for the break

[Floating Lilly]

So I decided to just vent and rant on here as I feel I’m wearing my cousin down constantly with talks of my MM. Today I come into work and there’s an envelope for me my colleague tells me it’s from HR so I just assume it’s my payslips. I open it up and I get a letter from MM stupidly I read it curiosity just got the better of me it starts “Hi FL I know you told me not to contact you but I wanted to prove to you that I am making steps for us to be together, I have moved in with my brother (he had a printout of an email he sent to our HR department with the change of address and it is in the same area where he said his brother lives) I hope you read this so you know how serious I am about being with you. I want to be a better man to you than I have been. Not speaking to you is hard but I understand it’s necessary, hopefully you will read this I want you to know how much I love you and that you can depend on me. Just give me some time I will have the proof you need that I am serious and I will show you everything you need to see

 

My heart is yours always

MM”

 

After I read that I just shredded it and now my mind is racing back and forth with what ifs, what now, how do I feel. My mind has just gone to mush and I just want to scream and just release evenly emotion I have. Now I know why they say curiosity killed the cat. I’ve bee trawling the sites now for AP’s that went into proper relationships I’m reading up on OW that have been confronted by BS. Then I read pages of threads in the infidelity section and nearly lost it emotionally from all the stories

 

Right now I’m outside smoking in the rain trying to snap my mind back into gear I feel so alone right now I guess this is just another thing to add to the list my therapist has to help me with

[S2B]

But don't get too anxious just yet because he never stated that he filed for divorce. He said he moved - you have no idea if he even told his wife what his long term goal is.

 

It's a solid plan to not communicate with him until his divorce is final.

 

MM pull this all the time - filing for divorce even - but not allowing that divorce to be finalized. Many go back. Many resume the affair after going back to that marriage.

 

Stick to NC - and get that new job asap.

 

He's disrespecting you by leaving you the letter - it's totally manipulative and completely sneaky!

 

He can prove that he wants you by letting you live your life while he gets that divorce finalized - and gets himself therapy to learn how to never cheat again... otherwise, you're just getting a man who will cheat.

[Adotta]

So I decided to just vent and rant on here as I feel I’m wearing my cousin down constantly with talks of my MM. Today I come into work and there’s an envelope for me my colleague tells me it’s from HR so I just assume it’s my payslips. I open it up and I get a letter from MM stupidly I read it curiosity just got the better of me it starts “Hi FL I know you told me not to contact you but I wanted to prove to you that I am making steps for us to be together, I have moved in with my brother (he had a printout of an email he sent to our HR department with the change of address and it is in the same area where he said his brother lives) I hope you read this so you know how serious I am about being with you. I want to be a better man to you than I have been. Not speaking to you is hard but I understand it’s necessary, hopefully you will read this I want you to know how much I love you and that you can depend on me. Just give me some time I will have the proof you need that I am serious and I will show you everything you need to see

 

My heart is yours always

MM”

 

After I read that I just shredded it and now my mind is racing back and forth with what ifs, what now, how do I feel. My mind has just gone to mush and I just want to scream and just release evenly emotion I have. Now I know why they say curiosity killed the cat. I’ve bee trawling the sites now for AP’s that went into proper relationships I’m reading up on OW that have been confronted by BS. Then I read pages of threads in the infidelity section and nearly lost it emotionally from all the stories

 

Right now I’m outside smoking in the rain trying to snap my mind back into gear I feel so alone right now I guess this is just another thing to add to the list my therapist has to help me with

 

First calm down. As it stands it's just words on paper. Untill there is action and the divorce is WELL under way just sit back and let him prove his love.

 

Think of this as a test for him. He should jump through a few hoops not just because you need proof but also because it will wash away the idea in his head that he controls you.

 

Keep your chin up. Maybe this relationship can work. I don't think it's super likely looking at the odds but maybe. Just don't let yourself be conned. Give it a few months of letting him fall all over himself. I'm not saying be mean or super cold to him but you can not give him the idea you are waiting on tender hooks for his every word.

 

I would still recomend not being involved with this man but of you can't do that be with him in a smart way. I'm hoping for the best FL.