Divorce shortly after we got married

[Rmycell]

Hi...here is my story. I and my husband (both in our 30) met about 9 years ago, it was truly a love-at-first-sight kind of story, we started dating, we found a house and only a few month after we met we were living together. We had really amazing time together, or I thought it was. There were a few fights, but we sorted it out. Again, I thought we have.

 

We got married 1,5 year ago and it was not untill last summer when everything just started to fall apart. I did not realize it at first, I guess you miss the little signs if you have difficult time in other parts of your life but I can see them now. My husband started to emotinally detach from me around September this year, later I realized he was no longer talking to me like before, not sharing his dreams with me, mainly just chit-chat or being next to me but not with me. I myself thought, or made myself think, that this change happened due to a new job he got and he will be himself again soon.

 

About 3 month ago my husband told me he wants a divorce. It came out of a blue for me. I mean, two weeks before that or so, we were discussing our marriage and talking about some changes that we should make in our relationship but I would never imagine that he would give up on us just like that and so quickly. He told me he was thinking about this for a while and that he cannot imagine his life spended next to me, that he cannot give me what I want (a men being there only for me), and also he is not free to do the things he wants and for that, the life is short. He also threw at me some issues from the past which I considered long resolved, but apparently he did not let them go. He never before have told me he wanted me to act differently or to change how the things worked between us. That is probably why I feel so left out from this decision... He states no other woman is involved but I seriously doubt it since I found out about about another woman in his life not long before he left...nothing serious or at least that I know of.

 

Since then he moved out from our house...We hadn´t talked about us since he left. Still texts me a lot, asks about my life, but never really wants to spend time with me in real life.

 

I can see mistakes made on both sides and I would say that many of them were made just because we loved each other so much and neither of us wanted to hurt the other. So I am not blaming only him, I sure can see that partly he was right in lot of things that he said to me. I started a therapy - firstly because of how I was dealing with his decision but now mostly to focuse more on myself and trying to find out what is it that I want in my life.

 

But... I do still love him deeply and even though I am living a fullfilling life now even without him and I still miss him very much every day. I am trying to persuade myself to let go because I do not see any effort from his side and I belive IF he is happier without me than I should (have to) accept it...but I still linger to a little bit of hope that maybe this is not final and that we can sort it out and be happy again...Or is it too naive?

[carhill]

Welcome to LS...

 

Where is H living now? Any contact other than the texts?

 

Is divorce easy in your culture? Common?

 

You were together a long time, even if married only a short time. It's interesting that you started living together shortly after dating and lived together longer than some marriages, then things went south after getting married. What's your take on that? Day to day wouldn't, or shouldn't have changed at all.

 

Around here the most common divorce is what they call 'irreconcilable differences' and usually, at the stage you're at the parties have been or are seeing other people. How are things going for you/him? You mentioned another woman but it not being serious. Not uncommon.

 

Any filing for divorce yet?

[Rmycell]

Hello carhill, thank you for welcoming.

 

H went back to his parents and still lives there but he is trying to rent an appartment or at least that is what he says.

 

We´ve met on several occassions - some were unintentional since we have plenty of mutual friends and the rest of them, when only two of us met, it was me, who asked him out. He agreed though and I would say we had a good time on each occasion.

 

Divorce is not uncommon and couples that don´t have any childern are divorced quite easily - if they do agree upon the financial matters and file divorce toghether. Otherwise the divorce can get pretty messy but this is something I would rather avoid. He himself haven´t pick that topic up since the day he left and I haven´t either.

 

I am not sure if he is seeing someone (new or that particular someone from before)...I suppose I wouldn´t know about it if he would but I am sure that if it should be something more serious the rumour would spread.

 

"You were together a long time, even if married only a short time. It's interesting that you started living together shortly after dating and lived together longer than some marriages, then things went south after getting married. What's your take on that? Day to day wouldn't, or shouldn't have changed at all." That is what makes me worried. Either he is, I don´t know, scared of that things started to be legally binding and too definitive OR he did not want to marry me in the first place. But it is really hard for me now to understand his behavior and I am questioning pretty much everything he did and said in the past nine years.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Rmycell, where do you live and how long is it since your husband moved out? Since you say you are living a fulfilling life I assume you ate gainfully enjoyed and able to take care of yourself. In the way you have written it seems as if you are disconnected from the events that have befallen you. It could be the result of shock at the events that have transpired but it almost seems like you are writing about someone else and not yourself. Also if your husband wants to divorce then why has he not initiated the proceedings? Why do you not initiate them? Maybe the fact that you have started the proceedings may shock him into realizing he is going to lose you finally. Have you thought of dating someone new? Also after so many years of being together do you not have children? If so is it by choice? Warm wishes.

[BluesPower]

Hi...here is my story. I and my husband (both in our 30) met about 9 years ago, it was truly a love-at-first-sight kind of story, we started dating, we found a house and only a few month after we met we were living together. We had really amazing time together, or I thought it was. There were a few fights, but we sorted it out. Again, I thought we have.

 

We got married 1,5 year ago and it was not untill last summer when everything just started to fall apart. I did not realize it at first, I guess you miss the little signs if you have difficult time in other parts of your life but I can see them now. My husband started to emotinally detach from me around September this year, later I realized he was no longer talking to me like before, not sharing his dreams with me, mainly just chit-chat or being next to me but not with me. I myself thought, or made myself think, that this change happened due to a new job he got and he will be himself again soon.

 

About 3 month ago my husband told me he wants a divorce. It came out of a blue for me. I mean, two weeks before that or so, we were discussing our marriage and talking about some changes that we should make in our relationship but I would never imagine that he would give up on us just like that and so quickly. He told me he was thinking about this for a while and that he cannot imagine his life spended next to me, that he cannot give me what I want (a men being there only for me), and also he is not free to do the things he wants and for that, the life is short. He also threw at me some issues from the past which I considered long resolved, but apparently he did not let them go. He never before have told me he wanted me to act differently or to change how the things worked between us. That is probably why I feel so left out from this decision... He states no other woman is involved but I seriously doubt it since I found out about about another woman in his life not long before he left...nothing serious or at least that I know of.

 

Since then he moved out from our house...We hadn´t talked about us since he left. Still texts me a lot, asks about my life, but never really wants to spend time with me in real life.

 

I can see mistakes made on both sides and I would say that many of them were made just because we loved each other so much and neither of us wanted to hurt the other. So I am not blaming only him, I sure can see that partly he was right in lot of things that he said to me. I started a therapy - firstly because of how I was dealing with his decision but now mostly to focuse more on myself and trying to find out what is it that I want in my life.

 

But... I do still love him deeply and even though I am living a fullfilling life now even without him and I still miss him very much every day. I am trying to persuade myself to let go because I do not see any effort from his side and I belive IF he is happier without me than I should (have to) accept it...but I still linger to a little bit of hope that maybe this is not final and that we can sort it out and be happy again...Or is it too naive?

 

OK, lets start with the basics...

 

He started an affair just about as soon as he started his new job.

 

All of the things he is saying bothered him are his justifications for divorcing you and having an affair.

 

All of this is pretty standard stuff, even the time together. They don't call it the 7 year itch for nothing. And 6 to 10 or so years is when a lot of this stuff happens.

 

You can take my word for it or you can do any detective work that you can still do. Since he is out, not a lot you can still do.

 

Best advice is the following:

 

1) Since he did not have the balls to admit what was going on, the for the most part he is gone.

 

2) For you self respect and dignity it would be better if you file for divorce and move on from him.

 

3) Like I tell most Betrayed Spouses, while you may not have been perfect, none of this is really your fault. He choose to cheat and he wants out, not your fault.

 

4) You will be happier if you find another man that will treat you like you should be treated. As it turns out, he is a coward, and you should be glad that you found out now.

 

5) Move on, and be happy.

 

Don't bother telling me how wrong I am, just trust that I know what I am talking about. I have seen it a 1000 times.

 

Stop "chasing him". It won't bring him back, and if you really knew what had been going on, you really should not want him back.

 

Keep you head up...