How to not look back?

[nospam99]

Some readers will know, but to put the background in one place: 64 y/o male, lived separated for 10 years while continuing to co-parent three children, divorce finalized about a year ago, started dating in October with a goal of LTR, due to circumstances only meeting women through OLD, met 6, dated 3. My latest gf could have been 'the one'. I fell in love with her. She acted like she had fallen in love with me until ... I shared some details about my past, all things I had done years ago to cope with my separation, no illegality, abuse, or disease, but things she couldn't accept. 'We' broke up about a week ago at her initiative and she has very effectively imposed NC.

 

It has taken me a bit of 'calming down' but I'm ready to resume meeting other women. Although I would still 'take her back' in a heartbeat, that would have to be started by her action, at this point I don't expect it, and I'd want to understand exactly why she'd had another 180 degree attitude change.

 

My concern about which I'm soliciting opinions is how do I commit to someone else. In spite of the 'unhappy ending', lightning struck in the last relationship. Regardless of what her thoughts or perspective were, on so many levels she was the best match I had met in my entire life. I don't believe I should expect to get that lucky again or to go through the rest of my life searching for it. On the other hand I do expect to meet someone else who I would be happy with and able to make equally happy. The trap I don't want to fall into is to compare another woman with the one I so recently found and lost. In some ways this may be something a widow or widower experiences.

 

Whatever .... While this is not an 'immediate' problem (I'm not dating anyone today ), I think and hope that I've written enough about my thoughts so that readers will understand my concern. Therefore I'd appreciate opinions or suggestions about how to not let my feelings about the past interfere with being open to another fine woman I may meet 'next'. BTW what I don't want to hear is 'give it some more time' .... unless that is accompanied by an explanation about what doing so would accomplish. I wouldn't be writing this if I wasn't confident that I'm ready to at least explore another relationship.

[CrazyKatLady]

Hello there brave soul,

First off, good morning to you! I hope all is well for you.

Maybe this view will help (I myself am a widow for a decade almost--well, I call myself a widow and legally in Texas I am allowed to do so, and I feel like one as well, as I have never come that close to getting married again with anyone, and not because I did not think of it on occasion-my fiancé passed away shortly before our wedding--his mother and I had already picked out the design for my dress and bought the wedding planner workbooks, picked a venue, and were going to start sewing my dress since we had picked out the material and pattern for it).

Unfortunately and fortunately (yes, after time has subsided the pain), life marches on for us all. Although we may not forget our loves and our mistakes, our joys and our pains, time has a way of washing over these things...and I truly think it must be for our own benefit. It can be hard to let go, but one day you will know when it makes sense, that we are all here--just doing what we can--some of us doing the best we can with one another, and others still learning to get to that perspective in life. We just have to have faith, and hope (in God above-who above all else, is Good and working for our good too) and of course, the greatest of these is love--to have and to hold. And yes...even, to let go at times. We aren't just here for ourselves-I truly believe that-it is usually a conscience effort to remember that on a daily basis--but it brings the good of others to light in us, for us and to us all, I think. We can painfully at first remember and cherish the person we have recently lost, but I hope, for me at least, to one day come to a place in my life where I have cherished everyone who has passed through my life. We are all unique, gifted, and cherished from above--so, yes, it may hurt now--and it is ok to have hope for the things/people we have lost in our lives, that they may return to us (pray at these times, reconcile your losses with someone who understands and wants you to have the desires of your heart-in His time and in His way and will, of course), but moving on is what we all have to do at some point in these situations--we really have no choice...somehow I have to find the strength to believe that it will all turn out ok in the end. And weren't we lucky to have known such a feeling as that kind of love in our lives--yet, I fully intend to feel even more in the future...life is a learning process--think of it this way: in kindergarten, you learn to put your A,B,C's into words and sentences, correctly and have mastered that stage--but later on, as you progress through school over the years...you learn that there are much higher degrees of reading, writing, etc.

Your learning stage meets your life stage. So, while you have experienced marriage, and love afterwards...you are still moving on, progressing and reaching higher and higher degrees of your life, step by step, year by year...and your next love interest should maybe fit into the higher degree of life you are experiencing--and by that theory, your love relationships should get a little better and better each time your life is progressing...it's a noble thought, at least. I believe no love should be discounted in our lives, but I also know that my God is a Good God, and in that respect, He is going to bring me Good in my life--to match my progression and my circumstance...and so I will find a love that is (in a way-considering how far I have come in life) even better than the last. Because as life moves on, ultimately, I want to get better and be a better person. That is my philosophy right now in life on love and how to cope with a loss of one. I wish you the very best and hope that you can appreciate and find a love that is well for you. Cherish the ones in your life and believe that time is our friend in life, or find a philosophy that speaks to you and makes sense for you about your situation right now. Meditate, release and continue seeking. Pray for your needs, and find a way to be thankful for the new paths that open up when the old ones are to dense to make your way through at the moment. We never know what the future has in store for us all! Don't you want it to be a grand surprise and event?! Think of it in that way perhaps, and you can cultivate a spirit of hope and excitement for Good things in your future. Would you give your children a hope of a future that is full of dread, dead dreams and regret--or would you hope to inspire faith, goodness, and a sense of excitement for their future? I think most of us would wish our loved ones a Good future and want them to be happy for the things to come in their lives--well, our Father above wants that for us too--I hope that can provide you some comfort at this time--your future should be full of Good things because you are already loved every day of your life...God Bless.