Destined2B Posted March 1, 2018 Share Posted March 1, 2018 Me (28), her (27). Together for 1.5 years. Living together. She mentioned her friends were inviting her to go to a dance club. Both of them apparently, bored with their partners and in a flirty mood. I said that if she wants to, she can go along and help them pick up guys. This is where things went downhill. She asked if I wasn't at all concerned that guys might also pick her up. I said, i am not concerned about guys at the club. And if she wants to throw away 2 years of our relationship for a fling, then maybe I should really think who I am in relationship with. This got her very upset and she mentioned that guys hit on her all the time, but I'm the only one who's oblivious to it. I said that they probably also hit on other women, so she shouldn't feel all that special (me getting upset here). This is just one of the many examples, that has happened over the course of our relationship. It usually always starts with her mentioning something provocative, then seeing my lack of response or "care" and then accusing me of not loving her, and not taking the relationship seriously. Should I show more "care" by being a little jealous? Is not having jealousy really all that bad? I mean, I care and love her but maybe not in the way she wants. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 You be yourself... don't change who you are!! It sounds like her girlfriends are putting her up to this crap. They don't have stable long term boyfriends (bored with their partners) and are jealous of her relationship with you. Perceived jealousy can be a HUGE problem in relationships. You not being jealous (if she goes out with her friends) is actually a good thing. She should be happy that she can spend time with her friends without being accused of being unfaithful. Her behavior sounds a little immature for a 27 year old woman. It sounds like your girlfriend wants to create a problem where none exists... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
TheBathWater Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 The real issue seems to be less about her wanting you to experience jealousy and more about what it would mean if you were to experience jealousy. I think you might be onto something when you mentioned she feels as though you do not love her or take the relationship seriously. She probably wants to feel (not just hear) that you love her and take the relationship seriously. I don't know what your relationship really looks like, let alone how her personal history and your personal history influence the way you two have a relationship with each other, so I can't say exactly what is going on or what you should do. But it does seem that in some ways, she is saying she wants to feel more actually coming from you. That doesn't mean she's right and you're wrong though, or the other way around. If it were my girlfriend, I would want to understand her feelings better. I would want to know what it feels like for her when she starts to worry that I don't love her or take the relationship seriously. I would want to know when else in her life has she felt that way (e.g. with her parents?). Basically, I would use the whole situation as an opportunity for growth in the relationship. At once, I would be giving to the relationship, and also demonstrating my love and seriousness about the relationship. No blame, no accusation. Just curiosity and offering love. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Interstellar Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 (edited) You handled it well. She’s testing you. It’s great that you don’t get jealous and uptight. Keep doing what you’re doing and under no circumstances should you give in and act jealous, possessive, uptight and insecure. And as stated above her gf’s probably whisper this nonsense in her ears because they’re jealous of her as well. Edited March 2, 2018 by Interstellar 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 I think your attitude towards jealousy is good. But I do wonder if Tuna is on to something. Perhaps a good question would be "I love, trust and respect you. Is there anything I do which makes you doubt this?" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 She thinks jealousy equals love & because you aren't going nuts about the prospect of somebody else hitting on her, she thinks you don't care. It's wonderful that you trust her but you could have expressed that more diplomatically. Instead of suggesting that she was free to throw away your relationship & her suggestion was causing you to rethink the relationship you could have said something more empowering like Honey, I know you are a gorgeous & I am fully aware that in a club environment you will bet hit on but I love you & trust you. I know you're coming home to me. Would you like me to pick you & the girls up at the end of your night so you don't have to worry about finding & paying for an Uber? Had you said something like that you would have given her the compliment she was fishing for instead of making her paranoid that you want to break up. Plus offering her a safe, free ride home is a concrete way of showing you care about her well being. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
staggerlee71 Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 The real issue seems to be less about her wanting you to experience jealousy and more about what it would mean if you were to experience jealousy. I think you might be onto something when you mentioned she feels as though you do not love her or take the relationship seriously. She probably wants to feel (not just hear) that you love her and take the relationship seriously. I don't know what your relationship really looks like, let alone how her personal history and your personal history influence the way you two have a relationship with each other, so I can't say exactly what is going on or what you should do. But it does seem that in some ways, she is saying she wants to feel more actually coming from you. That doesn't mean she's right and you're wrong though, or the other way around. If it were my girlfriend, I would want to understand her feelings better. I would want to know what it feels like for her when she starts to worry that I don't love her or take the relationship seriously. I would want to know when else in her life has she felt that way (e.g. with her parents?). Basically, I would use the whole situation as an opportunity for growth in the relationship. At once, I would be giving to the relationship, and also demonstrating my love and seriousness about the relationship. No blame, no accusation. Just curiosity and offering love. Not sure it can be said much better than this Link to post Share on other sites
FilterCoffee Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 She asked if I wasn't at all concerned that guys might also pick her up. I said, i am not concerned about guys at the club. And if she wants to throw away 2 years of our relationship for a fling, then maybe I should really think who I am in relationship with. It’s great that you’re not jealous but this comes across as hostile to me. I can see why she felt uncared for. A better response would have been, “I don’t like it when guys hit on you but I have a gorgeous woman and sometimes I can’t do anything to prevent it. I do fully trust you though and I’m sure you’re not going to do anything inappropriate.” 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 I think it's great that you are not the jealous type. If two people love each other there should be trust that your partner knows how to behave when you aren't present. I don't think it's fair that because of her insecurity she has to remind you that other guys hit on her all the time. I wonder what her response would have been if you had said "and women come on to me all the time too". She would have really been pissed. You haven't done anything wrong. She is just insecure. Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 The next time she pulls this crap on you, stand up all huffy, and stomp your foot down and say "I absolutely forbid you to go anywhere with your hoary friends, and get back in the bedroom and reattach the chain to your ankle." When she looks at you like you like you lost your mind, just sweetly tell her that since she wanted you to react differently, you decided to give her what she wanted. Then suggest that maybe if her friends' boyfriends didn't react like the idiot you just pretended to be, they would have a much happier relationship, and wouldn't want to hook up with randoms all the time. In the end it is her decision to be with someone of quality like you, or some trashy bum... but if she doesn't grow up and get over these silly games, one day, she will take it too far and sink the relationship. Be prepared for that eventuality... Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 Me (28), her (27). Together for 1.5 years. Living together. She mentioned her friends were inviting her to go to a dance club. Both of them apparently, bored with their partners and in a flirty mood. I said that if she wants to, she can go along and help them pick up guys. This is where things went downhill. She asked if I wasn't at all concerned that guys might also pick her up. I said, i am not concerned about guys at the club. And if she wants to throw away 2 years of our relationship for a fling, then maybe I should really think who I am in relationship with. This got her very upset and she mentioned that guys hit on her all the time, but I'm the only one who's oblivious to it. I said that they probably also hit on other women, so she shouldn't feel all that special (me getting upset here). This is just one of the many examples, that has happened over the course of our relationship. It usually always starts with her mentioning something provocative, then seeing my lack of response or "care" and then accusing me of not loving her, and not taking the relationship seriously. Should I show more "care" by being a little jealous? Is not having jealousy really all that bad? I mean, I care and love her but maybe not in the way she wants. Dude, your appearance of not being jealous will be her justification for her to have sex with someone else at some point in the future. And yes eventually she will throw those 2 years away. Stevie Wonder can see this coming. Get a new Girlfriend now before you get way too invested and allow her to run over you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 This is a thing that goes on... I don't know why. It would not hurt if you tried to "Act" a little jealous, not that I am in favor of that. My GF is more concerned about my past, and maybe a little Jealous, then she appears to be jealous. For me it is like this, if you want to be with me, and be exclusive, then I am cool. I have no need to cheat or desire to cheat. My GF is wonderful in every way, and frankly I have a large enough sample size to really know and understand how wonderful she is. For her I think she worries that I may want to chase a bunch of women but I have tried to explain to her... Why. I have been with a lot of women and I like you the best, it really is that simple. As far a me being jealous, why? If woman want to be with me great, and if she does not well... OK. There are literally thousands of other women out there. It is a little strange that she feels like you don't love her if you are not jealous, I do find that odd... Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 As I read your posted I pictured a man sitting in his chair reading the newspaper and all anyone can see it the top of your head, not looking once at her as she says she going out clubbing...and all she gets is a yes dear, ok dear, have a good time. Maybe it's her way a saying "pay attention to ME! for once" Just saying. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 With women there are often two versions of being "right." Your response was "right" rationally and shows you're feeling pretty secure about yourself. The "right" response she was hoping to hear was the rest of the truth you didnt share: while you choose to trust her so much, you would also be crushed if she ever allowed another guy to come between you. If that isn't true, then she's justified to wonder whether you have much investment in the relationship and/or why you think it would be so easy to drop your feelings in a box like nothing ever happened. Maybe you're bluffing, maybe you aren't thinking it through all the way, or maybe it's true. Some women react to this kind of a thing as a challenge to figure out which is true, and this can lead to disaster. This "testing" behavior can be annoying, if you feel like she's just trying to manipulate some feelings out of you to boost her own ego. But just like everyone who cares gets jealous at least occasionally, everyone also needs an occasional ego boost. Giving that to her might be a nice thing for you to do. Allowing her to go around doubting your feelings for her might be a mean thing for you to do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 4, 2018 Share Posted March 4, 2018 I can see why she got upset. You pretty much said she was nothing special and even if guys hit on her...they hit on other girls too. It would sound hostile as mentioned above. She wanted a compliment...You could have said "Off course I know guys will hit on you, your gorgeous, but you're my girl and I trust you" ...and a pissed off girlfriend will use that as a reason to get flirty with another guy. Don't take her for granted. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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