SteelyPhil Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 My wife and I have been married for about 6 years, no kids. We've had ups and downs but the past several years have been filled with a lot of arguing, name calling and swearing at each other using every name in the book. We had gone to marriage counseling for 3 months which at first seemed to help. However, after some sessions my wife would say "I bet you liked the way that went as it was all in your favor"....Even during marriage counseling I've been told some very hurtful things. One night we had a few drinks together and we both got drunk at home which seemed like fun. Things were fine until we got in an argument and she used my brothers drinking problem against me and said "you are a drunk just like your brother"...I drink rarely. Tonight we got into a bad argument. She brought up how a family member of hers talked to her about hows she's thinking of leaving her husband. My wife then said with a smirk on her face "I get half, half of everything", I took this as threat. I wasn't bringing anything up at all about a divorce or separating. She then proceeded to tell me how things needed to be if we were to stay together. I've never felt less attracted to someone in my life until that moment. She then proceeded to say how our sex life is terrible and she just lays there (odd as she seems to enjoy it in the moment...) and that she wants out. I asked if she wanted to go back to marriage counseling and she said "no, that time has passed". This all happened in 20 minutes. If we get a divorce I would like an uncontested divorce to avoid high lawyer costs however she would also have to agree with it. We've only been married 6 years, no kids, and each have our degrees and make good money (I probably make twice as her though). The mortgage is in my name and its a house I bought before we married. I'm thinking of making an appointment with a divorce lawyer to at least get some legal advice. Part of me wants us to work things out still but its hard thinking that way after what she said to me, that hurt deep. I could list off a 100 mean things she said to me but part of me still wants to stay. I don't know what to do, part me of me feels like its over and I'm scared about what she could take from me. Should I let things cool off or just proceed with a divorce? Any advice is much appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 I'm sorry she was so cruel tonight. Was she sober? Before doing anything else, meet with an attorney for an hour. Your situation is not complicated and you can learn a lot in one hour, probably for free. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SteelyPhil Posted March 2, 2018 Author Share Posted March 2, 2018 (edited) I'm sorry she was so cruel tonight. Was she sober? Before doing anything else, meet with an attorney for an hour. Your situation is not complicated and you can learn a lot in one hour, probably for free. Thanks. Yes she was sober when she said that. When we get in arguments she seems to go for these "hit you in the gut" level of comments that just ends up leaving me depressed and sad. It sucks. I'll definitely make a call with a divorce lawyer, will be helpful to hear some legal advice. Will also add when I asked about my watch collection, my favorite hobby, she said "I said I get half of everything, sell them or pay me to keep them, that's in my right"... Edited March 2, 2018 by SteelyPhil 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 Before doing anything else, meet with an attorney for an hour. Your situation is not complicated and you can learn a lot in one hour, probably for free. This is really good advice... Many years ago, my father kept asking me legal questions about divorce/separation, etc. I told him that I wasn't qualified to answer those questions as I only had a couple of "business law" courses in my degree program. I located a local divorce attorney, called him up and asked him if I could purchase one hour of his time to have all of my father's questions answered. Of course, the attorney said "yes"... I had my father write down all of his questions. I picked him up, took him there, paid the attorney and left for one hour. I came back an hour later and picked up my father, although he didn't like the answers he received; he got good information from a competent attorney. There was no longer any guess work or misinformation on the subject. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 When they tell you what they want believe them. I'd do two things. 1. See an attorney tomorrow 2. Dump her ass as soon as possible Life is too short to put up with crap 6 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 (edited) she said "I said I get half of everything, sell them or pay me to keep them, that's in my right"... You should not take legal advice from your wife!!!!! Or from random people on the internet, for that matter. You should see at least 3 lawyers to get quotes and opinions and establish your position. They will be able to tell you the laws in your jurisdiction and a likely outcome in the case of divorce. Divorces are rarely contested. It is common for angry spouses to say they will fight tooth and nail for every penny but in practice it rarely happens. Most people see sense after consulting a lawyer and come to an agreement before it gets to court. It doesn't make sense to spend $5,000 in court to get $1,000. It can happen though if your wife is particularly belligerent. If this happens then you should try to be pragmatic: it might cost you less to "buy her off" than to pay a lawyer to fight for a fair settlement. That's really a subject to discuss with your lawyer. Lawyers first concern is getting the best settlement for their client and that includes minimising their own fees. If your lawyer encourages you to fight no matter what then you should find a new lawyer. Your wife seems a bit crazy. I'd also recommend taking some safety procedures. Keep your sensitive documents (passport, marriage certificate, house deeds etc) somewhere secure such as a drawer at work or a friend's house. Also your watch collection or other small-ish valuables, I would take steps to secure them from your wife, just in case. Edited March 2, 2018 by PegNosePete 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 Get a good lawyer and start making plans to escape. This marriage seems unsalvageable. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
staggerlee71 Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 " I get half, half of everything" means I will fight. Uncontested divorce is a serious longshot with words like that 4 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 Lawyer. Don't listen to anything she says about what she's entitled to, she's just trying to bully you into doing what she wants. Of course she'll take whatever she can get, but don't trust her to tell you the real rules! It's the very first rule pinned on many divorce forums: don't take legal advice from your ex! In general a spouse is only 'entitled' to half of everything acquired during the marriage. So if you only started buying all your watches last year then she might be able to argue she owns a share of them, if you've had them for ages they're your personal property, NOT marital property. But don't trust me, ask a lawyer. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 Anything you owned before marriage that you did not mingle or combine afterwards is still solely yours in almost every jurisdiction. If you can document what you had at the time you married, that's off the table. And, being a less-than-10-years marriage with no kids, she may get little. Things you acquired after marriage are subject to division: savings, debt, possessions, etc. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
staggerlee71 Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 she will fight for half of 401k, other investments, property and alimony Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 she will fight for half of 401k, other investments, property and alimony After only 6 years childless marriage it's unlikely she'll get half, no matter how much she fights or spends on lawyers. It all depends on the figures though. For example if she's disabled and relies on OP's income 100% for her daily living then she will probably get more than half and alimony too. But if she has her own job, her own 401k, property etc then it's unlikely she'll get anywhere near half. Angry spouses always talk big at first, before they've taken proper legal advice. When they know how the system really works they usually (but not always) calm down and get real. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 My wife and I have been married for about 6 years, no kids. We've had ups and downs but the past several years have been filled with a lot of arguing, name calling and swearing at each other using every name in the book. . You make it sound like she's crazy and it all kind of came about out of the blue but the above tells a different story. Maybe her feelings are hurt for a good reason? Look after your assets by all means but if you want a (relatively) stress-free divorce, you could perhaps meet her half-way and acknowledge your own part in this? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 She sounds like a really awful person. I would not want to be married to someone who is capable of talking to me like that and shows no remorse for her words or actions... I would talk to a lawyer and begin to make some plans. You may need them, someday soon. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SteelyPhil Posted March 2, 2018 Author Share Posted March 2, 2018 Thanks everyone for the advice about at least contacting a lawyer for a consultation. I did just this and made an appointment for next week. I feel better after making the appointment. From what I read, which confirms the replies here, she won't get half of everything if we get a divorce. With the house being an asset of mine before we got married that would likely remain with me. If she wants to play that game, which I don't, then her car which she bought after we got married needs be split but mine doesn't as I bought it before we got married. I really don't want to go down this route and just want us to be able to agree on things without lawyers, will see. Overall I feel better just knowing I may never have to hear her insults again. Even last night I was being bashed for us not having kids yet with her saying "my sister even said we don't have kids as you are an immature little boy". I told her we don't have a family yet due to our arguing. Every time she says stuff like this I feel like I have to start listing stuff off to defend myself, I'm done doing that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SteelyPhil Posted March 2, 2018 Author Share Posted March 2, 2018 (edited) After only 6 years childless marriage it's unlikely she'll get half, no matter how much she fights or spends on lawyers. It all depends on the figures though. For example if she's disabled and relies on OP's income 100% for her daily living then she will probably get more than half and alimony too. But if she has her own job, her own 401k, property etc then it's unlikely she'll get anywhere near half. Angry spouses always talk big at first, before they've taken proper legal advice. When they know how the system really works they usually (but not always) calm down and get real. That's good to know. She has a degree, her own 401k, savings, a car, a good job with benefits, and her student loans are nearly paid off in part because I've paid for every house bill out of my own account. We do have a joint account but also each have a separate account with our own savings. Oh, the lawyer I called for a 1 hour divorce consultation charges $150. It's a well reviewed place, that doesn't seem like that bad of a charge for the advice. Edited March 2, 2018 by SteelyPhil 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 Oh, the lawyer I called for a 1 hour divorce consultation charges $150. It's a well reviewed place, that doesn't seem like that bad of a charge for the advice. That is a great price... Write down all of your questions ahead of time. I encouraged my father to use a spiral notebook with a question written on each page, so he could write down the answer, below the question. You want to ask everything you need to, but don't waste time. As we all know with lawyers, time is money. Sorry this is happening to you, but its good to get proper knowledge so you know what you are facing. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 In my neck of the woods, most divorce lawyers will do a free half hour initial consultation. May be different where you are, though. Worth looking around and always get multiple quotes for any job (divorce is no different). It certainly sounds like this will be a case of "take out what you brought in, and split what was accrued during the marriage" case. It's good that you always paid the house bills; this will reduce her claim on your house (which will from now on be called "the marital property" because you lived there as a married couple!). Her claim, if any, will be small and may be mitigated or cancelled out by your claim against her "marital" assets. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 She gets 10 years in you may be facing a different outcome. This is no time to be a doormat You better get moving 3 Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 (edited) Thanks everyone for the advice about at least contacting a lawyer for a consultation. I did just this and made an appointment for next week. I feel better after making the appointment. From what I read, which confirms the replies here, she won't get half of everything if we get a divorce. With the house being an asset of mine before we got married that would likely remain with me. If she wants to play that game, which I don't, then her car which she bought after we got married needs be split but mine doesn't as I bought it before we got married. I really don't want to go down this route and just want us to be able to agree on things without lawyers, will see. Overall I feel better just knowing I may never have to hear her insults again. Even last night I was being bashed for us not having kids yet with her saying "my sister even said we don't have kids as you are an immature little boy". I told her we don't have a family yet due to our arguing. Every time she says stuff like this I feel like I have to start listing stuff off to defend myself, I'm done doing that. I'm not judging one way or the other, we obviously only have your version of events here. I was in your shoes a few years back (we had kids though, but nothing else in common because, although we were both earning good wages, he'd only be happy with me paying for joint and kids stuff without participating one cent, while he would spend his own salary on himself only but lumber me with his debts). There's plenty I could have contested (according to my lawyers) but I didn't want anything to do with him or drag the process further - suffice to say he's not a nice person. Once he agreed to finally divorce, what sped up the process up and kept it relatively low-key was my acknowledging my part (I was too passive and let him get away with outrageous behavious to keep the peace). That calmed him down a little and de-escalated the drama (I can't deal with drama). I wish someone had given me that advice instead of telling me what my rights were and what I was due. It'd saved me precious time and un necessary heartache. Edited March 2, 2018 by littleblackheart 1 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 She is entitled to have of the marital assets gained during your marriage in most states. You would not pay her alimony...no kids...I would walk in a blink. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Purepony Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 Yup I second all the other posters Get out of this mess I understand people change but this would repulsive anyone Good thing you didn’t have kids and sorry you are going through this but there is hope Link to post Share on other sites
staggerlee71 Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 After only 6 years childless marriage it's unlikely she'll get half, no matter how much she fights or spends on lawyers. It all depends on the figures though. For example if she's disabled and relies on OP's income 100% for her daily living then she will probably get more than half and alimony too. But if she has her own job, her own 401k, property etc then it's unlikely she'll get anywhere near half. Angry spouses always talk big at first, before they've taken proper legal advice. When they know how the system really works they usually (but not always) calm down and get real. I agree with you.... it will come down to cost/benefit with her and her lawyer. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 Thanks everyone for the advice about at least contacting a lawyer for a consultation. I did just this and made an appointment for next week. I feel better after making the appointment. From what I read, which confirms the replies here, she won't get half of everything if we get a divorce. With the house being an asset of mine before we got married that would likely remain with me. If she wants to play that game, which I don't, then her car which she bought after we got married needs be split but mine doesn't as I bought it before we got married. I really don't want to go down this route and just want us to be able to agree on things without lawyers, will see. Overall I feel better just knowing I may never have to hear her insults again. Even last night I was being bashed for us not having kids yet with her saying "my sister even said we don't have kids as you are an immature little boy". I told her we don't have a family yet due to our arguing. Every time she says stuff like this I feel like I have to start listing stuff off to defend myself, I'm done doing that. Sounds good... overall. Just so you know, not that it matters, but she I having an affair. In this case it is just another reason to divorce her. If you check the phone bill and look around you will find out. Like I said, it should not matter, she sounds horrible... Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 there is no need to insist that an affair is going on with zero evidence. they have enough problems and more than enough reason to break up already! why intentionally try to make things messier? especially if he accuses her of that, and he's wrong, she may be able to leverage that against him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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