Are women more attracted to their partners when they show backbone?

[DoubleJM1]

Some might call it "showing backbone." Others might say "becoming a little angry" or "displaying confidence" is a more apt description.

 

What I've observed in my relationship (and some of my male friends have told me the same happens in theirs) is that when things get a little slow in the lovemaking dept, all it takes to get it rolling again is either an argument where I call my wife out on something she did that upset me, or a display of confidence in which I stand up for something I believe in.

 

In such cases, she perceives me as being upset and seems inclined to do whatever she can to make things better. She knows that pulling out the sex card works wonders, and the make up sex is always incredible.

 

Mind you, I don't pick fights just for the hell of it. I do remember her telling me on our flight to NYC last year (during which I was upset about something she had said or done) that she actually gets a little turned on when I'm angry, or something to that effect. We actually went two or so months last year where we were fighting a lot more than the norm, but also having more sex than ever in our 12-year relationship. (I'm talking 5-6 times a week.)

 

I'm trying to understand why this happens.

 

I know all women are different, but I've read that, in general, women find it sexy when men:

 

-Stand up for themselves

- Call them out on their BS

- Aren't afraid to show some fire/backbone every now and then

 

I'm not saying that men should be like this all the time. That would get tiresome and obnoxious after a while.

 

My theory is that women prefer a little of everything. They want him to be sweet and romantic in moderation-- even too much of that gets boring. They want him to have his own hobbies/interests, which ultimately communicates the following: "I don't NEED you or anyone else to enjoy life." And they want to see him get a little feisty/passionate every now and then, even if it means objecting to something she's said or done.

 

Is it not true that if everything is TOO calm and peaceful in a relationship, it does little to get the juices flowing? I would assume that when a woman is upset following an argument, it creates a state of arousal similar to the one caused by being turned on/horny, and it may not always be easy to differentiate the two.

 

What are your thoughts?

Edited March 2, 2018 by DoubleJM1

[BaileyB]

Confidence and self assurance is very sexy in a partner.

 

Anger, yelling or fighting, or calling a woman out on "her BS" is most definitely not sexy. I don't want to be with a man who does this. To me, it's a very unhealthy and immature thing to do in a relationship. I want a partner who treats me with kindness and respect.

Edited March 2, 2018 by BaileyB

[somanymistakes]

Like most such things, it's less about man/woman and more about people.

 

Some people want their partners to be completely submissive to them. Some people want their partners to be completely dominant over them. And a lot of people want their partner to be assertive and confident, but also loving and supportive.

 

Some couples like to argue (within reason) and then make up. As long as they know what they want, good for them!

[Els]

No sane and healthy person of either gender is attracted to a doormat.

 

That being said, it's entirely possible to have a backbone AND be capable of anger management. Not sure why you think they are in any way related.

[basil67]

On the rare occasions we have an strong disagreement, it takes me a couple of days to get my equilibrium back. My brain feels horrible during this time. Definitely not a sexy time.

[MidlifeMama]

I get this post!

My husband is a quite submissive person and maybe part of the reason I both love him and also wish he were more "alpha."

 

I was in an abusive relationship where anger was horrible, so I was thrilled to find a man who was calm, sincere, and stable. What I traded for that was the less alpha role.

 

It's not real clear cut and differs with everyone, but the whole thing about women liking,"Bad boys" does have some leverage with me as well as many women I know. Now in marriage, (having had some bad boys when I was younger), I'm not sure I could put up with the roller coaster. Not sure how turned on I'd be if there was let's just say "frequent" arguing. Which I do not miss from past relationships. BUT, some differences and arguments, MAY make me feel a push to step it up and or spark something in me (not currently in my situation..but that's a another deal). It's like the scene where two people have sexual chemistry and are face to face arguing and then suddenly stop and attack each other sexually. Totally YES right there, but how often does that happen in real life?

 

As women age, they want the bad boy in looks and in bed and some things in life, but also want more stability and kindness. It's a double edge sword. I think many (according to LS) have both, kudos to them. I think that would be a great combination. I don't know too many women who want a wimpy spouse, or too many men who want a naggy wife.

 

The same could be said for what men what. As the song goes,"I want a lady in the street but a freak in the bed" Just generalizing of course.

 

I don't get turned on per se' if my husband gets angry, but it does open up more dialogue, which in turn may excite me. Also, it may get us out of our usual rut. I have said that my husband has no real passion about too much of anything, including me. We don't fight and I have also thought, maybe that would spark something more for us? Fair fighting and talking it out, never an abusive,controlling or demeaning type of fighting is what I'm talking about.

 

Most of the time I have to "light a fire" under my husband to do this or that or get this certain things done that I know only he can do, which makes him uncomfortable (for instance a deep conversation he needs to have with someone) and that bugs the heck out of me. I want to say,"Grow a pair." I try to be "Sensitive" when he can't seem to do that but in all honesty, it's a turn off. So I guess I really do see what you mean.

Edited March 3, 2018 by MidlifeMama

[CommittedToThis]

I had an ex who told me early on in the interaction that it "turned her on" to see me get angry. In hindsight this was a massive red flag -- I'm talking Oroville Spillway here -- and I missed it in my naive ignorance.

 

I doubt I will ever meet another woman who would say such a thing but if it ever happens again she's instantly toast.

 

For me masculinity means being slow to show my anger by not letting anything provoke a negative response. I step back and think about it before reacting.

 

It's better for a man to talk about emotion but not show it so much. Like, if someone cuts me off in traffic I don't get mad and start cursing, instead I stay collected and say, "That driver is endangering everyone."

 

I think most women do not want a man who is overly emotional and quick to anger, they prefer someone who acknowledges their emotions but doesn't act them out in a dramatic fashion.

 

As a man the key to being able to pull this off is to live a life free of toxic influences. Personally, once I got rid of all the toxic influences in my life, I found I rarely express anger or frustration anymore.

 

It's a reach-able goal.

[anika99]

Well I'm definitely attracted to a confident man with the backbone to stand up for himself and what he believes in but that doesn't mean I want an angry guy who picks fights with me in order to display his masculinity. To me there is nothing sexier than a man who can remain calm and in control even when in a confrontation or disagreement. That's a man who doesn't let his ego or his temper run the show and to me, that's a strong trustworthy guy.

 

Now when I was very young I did have boyfriends who were quick to anger and I did find it attractive. I think the reason for this was twofold. First it was a continuation of my childhood. My stepfather was a controlling man who was quick to anger the moment I or any woman crossed him. He didn't like anyone who didn't do as he wanted but he especially despised women who stood up to him. As I grew into my teens and my young adulthood I had the mistaken idea that anger and fighting was a show of caring and passion. Secondly I was emotionally stunted myself. I needed to see emotion in order to feel emotion myself, it's like I didn't have any feelings in my own right so I needed someone else to give me my feelings.

 

By the time I was in my late twenties I had begun to outgrow this need for over the top emotional displays and when an argument would break out and my boyfriend would become angry and yell at me or be critical of me I would just become more withdrawn and definitely not aroused. Now I see that my stepfather was not a strong man. He was weak and full of insecurity.

 

So I don't doubt that there are plenty of women who are turned on by a man's anger but I suspect that it comes from a place of emotional immaturity and unresolved issues. An exception might be if a woman is partnered with a submissive man who always does as he is told and never takes the lead or makes decisions. I can see that becoming a drag and it might be a little exciting to see that guy stand up for himself or take the lead for once. However being calm, cool and collected does not equal being a doormat.

[BluesPower]

It is not about anger, ever...

 

It is about male confidence, in general. This is the thing that SO MANY MEN don't get.

 

If (current GF, but it is the same with all women) my GF does something out of line, I call her on it.

 

Never in an angry way, but more it the "who in the hell do you think your talking to" way. Firm but never angry.

 

Lots of married guys, let themselves become wimps over time. Totally unattractive.

 

And I am not a Bad boy, I have not been that for years really.

 

The thing is, I am unwilling to take any crap of any kind from anybody, I am just too old for that.

 

And tell me this... Why does she get to pull out the sex card? When I want to have sex, I just take her into the bed room, or whatever.

 

She does the same thing as well.

 

The other thing I find odd is that a lot of men allow the women to be the complete gate keeper for sex.... ugh, no way.

 

They allow their wives to act like, they get sex when they have been a good boy.

 

Yeah, that is not going to work for me ever. Any woman that acts like that to me, gets to find out how easy it is for me to get laid.

 

Then she gets dumped...

[Els]

One of the things I find sexiest about the SO is his self-control. Being able to display calmness and thoughtfulness in difficult circumstances and being able to talk through things in a civil manner are very attractive and masculine traits in my opinion. In fact, nothing screams, "Manchild alert!!" to me like a grown man throwing a temper tantrum. Eww.

 

she actually gets a little turned on when I'm angry

Each to their own I suppose, but this would be a huge red flag to me. I DO get turned on by consensual sexual dominance in the bedroom. I do NOT get turned on by legitimately angry men! If I suspected a man of being unable to control his anger, I would run.

[thefooloftheyear]

I have known some VERY scary dudes in my lifetime...Ex cons, tough guys, head crackers.outlaw bikers, etc...When I think of it, probably only one of them is what I would consider conventionally attractive...The rest.? eh...I guess looks are subjective, but I ain't seeing it...

 

One thing they all had in common is that they all had no problem with attracting women...Most of these women were very attractive as well..

 

While I suppose you could question the judgement or mental capacity of these women, but the facts just don't lie...If these guys were just garden variety run of the mil Joe's, they would probably be on here complaining how no women give them a chance..

 

There is something in that type of attitude that women do find desirable..To what level is the real question I suppose..

 

TFY

[Els]

I have known some VERY scary dudes in my lifetime...Ex cons, tough guys, head crackers.outlaw bikers, etc...When I think of it, probably only one of them is what I would consider conventionally attractive...The rest.? eh...I guess looks are subjective, but I ain't seeing it...

 

One thing they all had in common is that they all had no problem with attracting women...Most of these women were very attractive as well..

 

While I suppose you could question the judgement or mental capacity of these women, but the facts just don't lie...If these guys were just garden variety run of the mil Joe's, they would probably be on here complaining how no women give them a chance..

 

There is something in that type of attitude that women do find desirable..To what level is the real question I suppose..

 

TFY

 

The question is, what kind of woman do they attract? Looks can only go so far in a relationship. If the women look good but are mentally screwed up (which seems quite likely), both of them will most certainly suffer for it.

 

In a similar vein, plenty of women with extremely intolerable personalities or who have spent time in jail or are drug addicts have no problem attracting men, but those men are REALLY not the kind of guys that any sane woman would want a LTR with.

[thefooloftheyear]

The question is, what kind of woman do they attract? Looks can only go so far in a relationship. If the women look good but are mentally screwed up (which seems quite likely), both of them will most certainly suffer for it.

 

In a similar vein, plenty of women with extremely intolerable personalities or who have spent time in jail or are drug addicts have no problem attracting men, but those men are REALLY not the kind of guys that any sane woman would want a LTR with.

 

Of course, that's why I mentioned it in the post...

 

But tell a "nice" guy that's spent the last 25 years with nothing but his dick in his hand if they'd want a woman that is "off" and they'd probably sign on for that...

 

The point I am making is that it's highly unlikely that every single woman that were with those guys were "mentally screwed up"...I didn't ever really get close enough to say, but they were sane enough to have regular jobs, and careers...

 

And to use your example. IME, Only good looking crazy/outlaw type women attract men...Ugly one's won't....These guys aren't attractive, so the same rule wouldn't apply...

 

 

It's an attraction for many women...I think most women(even completely sane and normal one's) prefer a guy to be more intimidating and dominant than meek..It may not mean shyt to you, but then you aren't them...

 

 

TFY

Edited March 4, 2018 by thefooloftheyear

[Popsicle]

A backbone is always going to be more attractive than a lack of backbone, but the best guys are the ones who have a backbone but know when and how to be sensitive and humble. That seems to be harder than anything for them.

[somanymistakes]

I have known some VERY scary dudes in my lifetime...Ex cons, tough guys, head crackers.outlaw bikers, etc...When I think of it, probably only one of them is what I would consider conventionally attractive...The rest.? eh...I guess looks are subjective, but I ain't seeing it...

 

One thing they all had in common is that they all had no problem with attracting women...Most of these women were very attractive as well..

 

While I suppose you could question the judgement or mental capacity of these women, but the facts just don't lie...If these guys were just garden variety run of the mil Joe's, they would probably be on here complaining how no women give them a chance..

 

Problem is that a lot of this is anecdotal and self-confirmation (that is, we remember the things tht happen that fit our view of what should happen, and forget the exceptions)

 

I've known plenty of guys who complain that no women give them a chance... when they've dated twice as many women in their lives as I have men.

 

There are nice guys who are happily married right out of high school. There are jerks who can't get laid without paying for it. There are plenty of average joes who date plenty of average janes and still think that somehow there's a conspiracy against them. There are plenty of women sighing that 'the only guys who approach me are married!' while brushing aside single men's approaches.

 

People are just too varied to sum up in any single way. "What men like" "What women like", it'll always be wrong.

 

Much easier for us to do counter-examples. Like, if someone tried to claim that NO women like bad boys, you could pretty obviously prove them wrong!

[Woggle]

The most important non physical element in a woman's attraction is respect and if you want others to respect you then respect yourself. Too many men confuse this with being a jerk. I am one of the nicest and most generous guys you can meet but try to do me wrong and I will shut it down. No boot will ever be on my neck but I won't put my boot on anybody's neck.

[DoubleJM1]

It's been said that if men are nice/sweet with their wives, help out with chores, etc., the sex life is bound to be better.

 

In my case, ironically, it seems to be the exact opposite.

 

My wife and I have been together for 13 years. I've noticed that when things are very tranquil in the relationship, our sex life is slower/quieter.

 

However, when we're fighting more, we're having a lot more sex -- and intense sex at that.

 

I don't want to be arguing with my wife, but when things slow down, I feel the urge to stir up some tension in order to get the sexual wheels rolling again.

 

I just told her this morning that I don't feel she's been initiating/providing foreplay as much as she was in prior months. Her excuse was that the time change has thrown her off. Well, around this time last year, we were fighting a lot and having sex more frequently than ever before, and she made no mention of the time change then.

 

Because I mentioned it, well, chances are pretty good that she might initiate later today. She doesn't like to see me upset and knows she can right the ship with a good roll in the hay.

 

I've made an effort in recent weeks to be sweeter and more romantic, with little gestures like sending her ecards. Just this past weekend I did all the laundry myself (which she usually does).

 

And yet, the sex has actually declined. She knows it means a lot to me when she initiates sex once in a while. She was doing it a lot over the past few months, but lately she's become more reliant on me again to do almost everything.

 

I thought that being sweeter and more attentive would lead to more intimacy, but it doesn't seem that way at all. I seem to get more of it when I show I'm upset/put her in her place, not to mention that she initiates a lot more. (In other words, when I'm being more alpha than beta.)

 

It appears sex is more reactive than anything else as far as she's concerned -- she often uses it to "make up."

 

This is all just baffling to me. I want to be nice and sweet, but it doesn't get me laid like fighting and being assertive does.

 

I will say that during our flight to New York last year, when I was upset about about something she'd done, she admitted that she likes when I get riled up. And it's not the first time I have heard this; a girl I dated years ago said she liked when I was angry/assertive.

 

Can anyone explain why this happens?

Edited March 16, 2018 by DoubleJM1

[Maraud3r]

It's been said that if men are nice/sweet with their wives, help out with chores, etc., the sex life is bound to be better.

It's been said a lot and while studies tend to show either outcome it more often appears to be the untrue.

 

As for why this might happen. Might be that she doesn't have a strong sex drive or her sex drive for you is gone after all this time and she just uses it as a crutch to "fix" problems she sees?

 

Then again, might also be that "fights" and "conflict" make her see you as more of a man and thus more desirable with you asserting yourself. There's a whole plethora of possible reasons why she reacts as she does, as every person is different.

[Els]

[]

I think it's just how some people are wired. Unfortunately, your wife seems to be one of those who thrives on drama and conflict. For every piece of advice, there are always outliers. Consider one common advice to women: "Don't get obese, or if you're obese, lose weight." Well, that might apply to many men, sure, but a woman who's with a man who likes BBWs might find that it worsens their sex life...

 

I guess you just have to consider if you're okay with having to stir up drama in order for your wife to want sex. Personally, I could never be with a person who thrives on that, but obviously it's up to you.

Edited March 16, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content

[RecentChange]

This is all just baffling to me. I want to be nice and sweet, but it doesn't get me laid like fighting and being assertive does.

 

Can anyone explain why this happens?

 

Sure, being assertive is being masculine, and being passive and sweet, well that is more feminine.

 

Many times us gals are attracted when our men act like MEN.

 

That said, what to know what the magic recipe is for me?

 

When my husband first starts priming me with some sexy (assertive) texts about how he can't wait to have me later. He isn't romancing me through these interactions (sweet) no, he is showing his LUST for me (assertive). Personally I love to be lusted after, it taps into that primordial thing for me. That results in that "intense sex" not "love making".

 

And when I come home, to find not only is he freshly showered, groomed and READY for me - but that also the house has been picked up, and dishes done :love::love:

 

You mean I have this hot and ready lustful man that wants me, AND my responsibilities have been taken care of so I don't have to worry about them? OH BABY!

 

That means I can direct ALL of my attention on him. Show him I want, and also appreciate him. I will want to just spoil the hell out of him.

 

So maybe step up the assertiveness in addition to the sweet and nice.

[CommittedToThis]

she admitted that she likes when I get riled up. And it's not the first time I have heard this; a girl I dated years ago said she liked when I was angry/assertive.

 

I learned the hard way when a woman says she likes to see you angry or upset you take her at her word.

 

Since this has happened to you before, perhaps consider the phrase, "people treat you the way you invite them to."

 

In my opinion anyone who wants to see a loved one upset or angry very likely suffers from some type of disorder.

 

You want to avoid those types.

[William]

Moderation merged two threads on a similar topic; please continue discussion of the topic in this thread. There may be some duplicate/overlapping content. Thanks!

[Aiuta le mani]

Hey man! Thanks for sharing here! what I have seen with my wife is that she was attracted to me due to my confidence and transparency. If she does something that I don't agree with, I let her know in a very straightforward and respectful way! I don't yell or curse but She know when I am serious and over the years, we have learned from each other so, when we have disagreements that we cannot resolve in the moment or in front of the kids, we set them aside for bed time, and when we do, the reconciliation after that is very passionate! I don't think it is about being angry, I think this is about passion and showing your wife that you care about her, and that includes finding ways to help each other to be better and correct our bad habits and thoughts. Show your passion and be transparent! don't always try to win but make a clear point and be respectful! Keep moving forward my friend!