Is NC actually a form of emotional abuse?

[Romantic_Antics]

I came across a YouTube video recently that I felt put an interesting spin on NC. It essentially said that going NC and ignoring an ex who was looking for closure/wanting to have a conversation about the relationship was a form of emotional abuse. I found this very interesting and agreed with it, perhaps only selfishly because it appealed to my own desire to get closure from my ex and have a mature conversation about what happened and why.

 

I have considered the possibility that having a conversation with my ex might NOT offer any closure and potentially only create more questions or throw salt in the proverbial wounds, but in an ideal situation wouldn't we all want closure from a confusing break up and/or confusing relationship? Is it emotionally abusive for an ex who treated us like crap while we were together (mine was a compulsive liar who destroyed my trust) to permanently ghost on us without another word when we have so many unanswered questions and unfinished business/unresolved issues on the table?

 

Just curious to see what others have to say about this. I had a messy break up and I have not handled my ex's decision to completely ghost on me and ignore my attempts to obtain closure very well.

[todreaminblue]

what i feel is no contact if it is a healing place for the person who is going no contact then it is not emotional abuse but self preservation but before that no contact there should have been closure first...with my daughters i tell them to always have closure on an ending relationship before starting any new relationship...for them and for the person they are leaving to understand that there are no bad feelings left behind.....i believe its the right thing to do ...

 

 

everyone however handles things differently i have just found that its the best way to handle a break up and my daughters have too.

 

 

on request one of my daughters travelled two hours to give closure to her ex who was struggling with the break up......and i am proud of my daughters who are compassionate and thoughtful in any relationship they are in even when those relationships need to end....

 

that way they dont leave behind more damage or hurt people than they have too...like me they tend to be friends with exes until those exes move on naturally themselves or continue the friendship because the feelings that are left with their exes are ones of compassion and respect...and they are able to be friends with them......when you want the best for someone when you leave them ...not leaving them hurting or confused is the ultimate outcome..to assist in healing a broken heart......deb

Edited March 2, 2018 by todreaminblue

[d0nnivain]

You go NC when you are the dumpee & need to stop picking at the scab over your broken heart. It is a little mean for a dumper to ghost the upset dumpee but too many dumpees misconstrue kindness for a the possibility of reconciliation.

 

When you are the dumpee you have to realize you don't get closure from the EX. That person doesn't have the words to give you peace. Closure comes from within. There are no magic words that the person who broke your heart can say that will make it alright.

[Veronica73]

I think it’s kind of awful to do it without giving notice and at least a little bit of an explanation, unless the person did something really heinous. When I’ve done it, I’ve at least given a bit of an explanation that that was what I was doing and why. I mean... ghosting really sucks. It seems like just abruptly going no contact is the same thing.

[Young mind]

There's some light to that no doubt, but isn't it also selfish from the dumpee to ignore the dumpers feelings?, and not respect it?, the dumpee comes forth with so much hurt and it's a monovision about his/her feelings, why he was hurt etc, how else can the dumper enforce his/her decision?,

 

I believe in closure and mature conversations post breakup, but it's rarely possible to have that.

 

It's funny a girl just did NC on me recently,when I told her I wasn't interested, and without this forum, I wouldn't even know what she was doing, but for the dumpee it's a place of solace to be calm and take yourself back after the breakup.

 

NC is definitely the way to go, most people have been counting days and subconsciously it takes you to acceptance and finally getting over the breakup

[basil67]

Absolutely, categorically NO. It is not emotional abuse. Especially given that you were the dumper.

 

You had good reason to dump her. But remember that everything you were ever going to know was already on the table before you did it. And as a dumpee, she owes you absolutely nothing.

 

The closure you get is from recognising that the relationship was bad for you and that you're best out of it. If you want answers to questions about her behaviour, you'll never get them. She probably doesn't even know why she does it herself.

Edited March 2, 2018 by basil67

[Blanco]

I think it's best to let the person know that you don't think it's a good idea to be in communication. After that, ignoring messages is perfectly fine. You've warned them and you are under no obligation to offer closure to that person.

 

The idea that closure only comes from talks with an ex is one we need to debunk, anyway. It puts all the power in the hands of someone else, when the reality is, real closure usually comes from within.

[Happy Lemming]

I could care less about what my dumper thinks of me or what explanation she wants to offer. I'd prefer she shut up and leave, I have no desire to be put down or told I need to change. Please start NC immediately after saying "I want to break up". Nothing more needs to be said.

 

I like me. I like who I am and how I act. I'm comfortable with my decisions in life. I'm happy with my possessions or lack thereof.

 

If the person who dumped me doesn't want to be in my world, she doesn't have to be. Bye-Bye.

 

I thrive on NC as it forces me to make a plan to go out and find a new and better woman!!

 

NEXT!!

[HiCrunchy]

I think it is only emotional abuse if someone is trying to use it as a manipulation tactic. And this has another name, "The silent treatment".

 

No contact means that you are no longer engaging with that person, permanently.It doesn't matter if the person is the dumper or the dumpee. (or even if its a friend break up). It is just choosing not to engage with another person. And everyone has that choice.

[basil67]

Hi Crunchy, I love what you wrote. Yes, everyone does have a chose as to whether or. OT they interact with someone else.

[Joan621]

I agree with those here who say closure comes from within, and NC is NOT emotional abuse. I was the dumper in my situation and my partner acted blindsided when I did it...despite the fact that he had been telling me for months he knew I was done with the relationship. Even after several discussions over the course of months about issues, and a couple of therapy sessions where the therapist basically voiced that we were heading for a breakup (in a therapisty way of course), he called me a couple days after the breakup completely wrecked and said we needed to talk so he could have closure. I agreed to it and we sat for over an hour and it went nowhere. He was so upset and, in my mind, had a complete revisionist history about what had happened in our relationship. I am sure he thought the same way about me when I told him my version. We would go on to have three more discussions over the next three months (despite my attempts to enforce no contact, he would contrive scenarios that forced us to interact) that went terribly. He wanted something black and white, like I cheated or had become a lesbian, and all I had was we had grown apart and I wasn't in love with him anymore. He was so mean during the last conversation that he emailed an apology and asked, again, if we could just meet and talk and insisted he was a wreck because of no contact and he wasn't getting his closure. I explained my reasoning for no contact and highlighted that no contact wasn't working because we were in fact having emotional contact every month and this clearly wasn't helping either one of us move on because emotions were still running high. It crossed my mind that maybe what he really wanted was to get back together, but he never once said that.

 

The point I am trying to make by describing my circumstances is that I believe closure is something that gets thrown out there after a breakup when someone really in fact doesn't want to let go, or doesn't want to feel like they were wrong. It's nice to think we can have a breakup where the dumper is able to carefully lay out the reasons in a way that allows the dumpee to feel closure, but it is unrealistic. If the breakup isn't mutual or there wasn't something dramatic like an affair, the dumper will struggle to articulate everything so carefully because he/she is carrying the weight of guilt and shame having to break someone's heart, and the dumpee will struggle to grasp the bigger picture and see between what is being said because he/she believes that the relationship is good and/or salvageable and his/her heart is breaking in the moment. In my experience, trying to talk after for "closure" was a disaster because it just led to more bickering over our different versions of events. We were never going to see eye to eye and he was never going to accept anything I said. Some told me I was allowing emotional abuse to occur by going along with these conversations because I left each one feeling like the worst human in the world, and he clearly didn't feel any better himself.

 

When done right, no contact allows each partner to reflect on the relationship and analyze what did and didn't work. The hope is that each person can realize what went wrong, learn from it, and move on without resenting the other person forever. It is simply impossible to seek this through the other partner in the emotional aftermath of the breakup. This is why I find it odd to remain friends with an ex (without a period of no contact that is) because the dumpee won't move on and will have hopes of reconciliation, and the dumper is just being flat out selfish. I think that is more ripe for emotional abuse than no contact.

 

I didn't see the video you talk of, but I would not be surprised if that person was fresh out of an unwanted breakup and is still feeling scorned.

[Beachead]

Good question.

 

As Hicrunchy said, I only think it's abuse if it is used as a manipulation tactic to try and keep a person's mind fixed on us.

 

But otherwise, no. It is something we naturally need to do for ourselves both as a dumper/dumpee; A self-preservation tactic to help us clear our mind and heal so that we can move forward. We have the right to do that for ourselves. Someone crying emotional abuse in this particular case will need to get over themselves.

 

Personally, at the end of the relationship, I would simply wish them well and maybe let them know that I will need time to myself to get over things. I did this after my current breakup last summer.

 

-B

[CrazyKatLady]

I always thought NC was what you did to people who were, like, stalkers-or something extreme...but, apparently it is an acceptable form of action for many people in the dating world. It helps if both the dumper/dumpee know what's going on...I found out what NC was a few months ago in this forum after my breakup...at least now I know...I supposesome people could be cruel about using NC, especially if it was a serious commitment or other high stakes dating was going on with a couple--but, once people split--as the old saying goes--apparently all is fair in love and war...I personally would not like to choose NC. When it was forced on me by the dumper, Ifeel it left mewith an image that just wasnt true to me--I care deeply for the people I love and would have wanted to try to make things work if possible...I never got a true chance to show my concern and fortitude--which is why I feel it can be abusive in some cases--when a person is just using it as an excuse to make you look/feel crazy over them and when the dumper is already moved on, doesn't or didn't care at any point, or is manipulating. It can be a real shock in those instances.

[Deadmeat]

Disinterest IS closure. End of story. Proceed to NC.

[Joan621]

I personally would not like to choose NC. When it was forced on me by the dumper, Ifeel it left mewith an image that just wasnt true to me--I care deeply for the people I love and would have wanted to try to make things work if possible...I never got a true chance to show my concern and fortitude--which is why I feel it can be abusive in some cases--when a person is just using it as an excuse to make you look/feel crazy over them and when the dumper is already moved on, doesn't or didn't care at any point, or is manipulating. It can be a real shock in those instances.

 

Maybe NC is not being used to make the dumpee feel crazy or because the dumper dpesn't care. You say you wound't prefer it because you would want a chance to make things work. But the other person already made up his/her mind to move on. Is it less abusive to carry on some form of relationship with someone knowing you don't want them anymore so they think they have a chance to make it work? Just a question.

[fieldoflavender]

I found my ex's NC abusive since he left all this suitcase of clothes and stuff at my place and refused to talk to me about getting rid of it and didn't even let me get rid of it formally (never said I could get rid of it, and the least time we talked he said we would deal with it). And I had given him more than a month.

 

While I have forgiven him for the actual breaking up part, I don't think I will forgive the unnecessary drama and emotional stress he made me go through with his family and him post break-up. So that type of NC was abusive when there were actual legit things that needed to be sorted out. If he didn't want his stuff, he could have just sent one text going "I don't need it". And I arranged it such he didn't even need to SEE me, just go to my place and pick it up from the building. Or got someone to do it.

 

And he was the dumper too.

 

Yeah I'm better off without him.

 

I think if there's absolutely no reason to talk and it's just "closure", well at the end of the day, there isn't that much that can be sad and it's not necessarily abusive. But if you have kids, pets, belongings, financial stuff and the person ghosts you and doesn't deal with it, totally abusive. It's that one last piece of manipulation to not let you move on.

[Sundra1]

Closure is your job to do with yourself. The whole idea behind finding closure with another person is reconciliation of the relationship, however, if you were able to reconcile the relationship effectively then you would not be broken up. While the idea of reconciling peacefully sounds nice and may be necessary in situations where you work with your EX or they are integral to your life (i.e. you have kids), closure is not necessarily something that should require someone else. It is your responsibility to deal with your emotions and actions. It is your responsibility to face those hurdles and accept your strengths and weaknesses. Nobody owes anybody closure. The person who made that video may have felt entitled to some sort of validation or reconciliation, however, that is likely the whole reason they will never get closure-they feel entitled to it. Working through the emotional hurdles and being self-sufficient is the first step towards emotional development. Nobody owes anyone anything simply because they were in a relationship with them. I say while it sounds nice, drop the entitlement, find closure within, grow-up, try not to make the same mistakes again.

 

Seeking closure with an ex is putting your emotional needs onto someone else after the relationship has ended.

 

With regards to No Contact: There are responsible and irresponsible ways to use no contact, the irresponsible way is to seek something out of someone (i.e. trying to get your ex to come back), the responsible way is acceptance. The same applies to closure. Seek closure from within.

 

The last thing I will say, is I have never gotten closure or given closure that meant anything in the relationships that I still have with people I have had serious relationships with. For those that I have dated and remained close to, it's because we both made the effort to forge that relationship and our relationship prior took a back seat not because of "closure".

Edited March 7, 2018 by Sundra1

[Soak]

I feel that NC is abusive if used incorrectly, ie, to 'punish' an ex.

 

If you are in a place of resolution, eg, that either of you have resolved that it's over, and either one of you feels that it is best to move on without contact, then it's not emotional abuse.

 

If an ex contacts you without you wanting it, then you are within your rights to state 'hey, i do not want contact. I feel it's best we go our seperate ways', and if they continue to contact you after that, a wall of silence is okay.

 

I do believe the most compassionate way forward is to express that you do not want contact at that point, or forever on, if that's what you want, if that is where your head is at. If you are unsure, it is okay to say no contact for now. I'll be in touch if and when i need or would like to talk to you.

 

If you are confused, then i think ceasing contact until you get your head sorted is okay.