Ex's That Came Back

[Mac0908]

Just out of curiosity I wanted to get together as many responses as possible to try and get an idea of just HOW often this really happens.

 

Please respond with answers to these three questions:

 

1 - How long did you date

 

2 - Quick summary of why things ended/who dumped who

 

3 - How long it took for your ex (or yourself) to reach back out

[grays]

I was married for 25 years and when we broke up neither of us ever wanted to be near each other, which is a drag bc our kids are still young. Ugh. But I think it was played out. I have not spent one second missing him and I doubt he has either.

 

Since him I've had various kinds of relationships with quite a few men and they *all* come back. But other than with husband, I've never had anything end on bad terms.

[staggerlee71]

I was in a relationship for 1.5 years which turned to on/off for another 2 years.

 

I was dumped. the primary reason is I was the rebound/transition guy.

 

During the on/off period, we broke up three times.

I was NC each time.

The first time she called, it was 30 days-ish.

The second ad third times she came back, it took 3 months each time

[SevenCity]

The few times it has happened was from short term relationships where I didn't care much if they stayed or left. It didn't last but I was fine with that.

 

The last one broke up with me after we had dated for a few months. She came back once and left again. I got texts from her a month later saying she misses our sex and I was the best she ever had. Then will go dark again and text me randomly (though I think she actually blocked me too because I was too much of a temptation for her).

 

Any woman I really loved who left me never came back. And by default, any woman I really loved I never dumped.

[Mac0908]

Any woman I really loved who left me never came back. And by default, any woman I really loved I never dumped.

 

Seems like these would be the ones who SHOULD come back. If you loved them and showed them that, then you'd think some would eventually reach back out unless the breakup was downright awful

 

Care to elaborate a bit on them?

[Happy Lemming]

The one that sticks in my mind is a woman I dated for about 6 months.

 

She dumped me because her friends said she could do better, blah, blah, blah. Her friends didn't seem to like me. She dumped me and I went NC.

 

Fast forward approximately 18 months and she calls me up, out of the blue. She told me all of her stupid friends were gone and they were wrong about me.

 

We got back together and she fell in love with me and I fell in love with her. Things were great for about a year or so, sex was fantastic, life couldn't be better. We spent all of our free time together. We started talking about moving in together. Unfortunately, she had a family tragedy that forced her to move half-way across the country. So we had to say "good-bye"

 

At least this time, I understood why she had to leave me, and I agreed with her decision to break up and move away. There was no anger and although we were both hurting, we said "good-bye" like mature adults with love in our hearts.

 

I think about her from time to time and hope all is well.

[grays]

Oh gosh, HL! Sad!

[Happy Lemming]

Oh gosh, HL! Sad!

 

Yes...

 

I think in life, there are one or two people that you really, really, love and connect with. It is sad, when outside circumstances tear you apart.

[Springsummer]

Yes...

 

I think in life, there are one or two people that you really, really, love and connect with. It is sad, when outside circumstances tear you apart.

 

Is it easy for you to find love? and who also loves you back the same? for me it's like mission impossible. and how important is love to you? If I were you, I will try my best to move to be with that person. I don't understand why you let distance keep you apart.

[Happy Lemming]

Is it easy for you to find love? and who also loves you back the same? for me it's like mission impossible. and how important is love to you? If I were you, I will try my best to move to be with that person. I don't understand why you let distance keep you apart.

 

Although I've been with my present girlfriend for 6 years, I don't love her like I loved M. (the one who was forced to leave).

 

The whole mess happened over 10 years ago, so I hope M. moved on with life and found love, again.

 

At the time, I couldn't move. I had just started my dream job. Moreover, I had a spec home being built and was working on another house. (I flip real estate on the side). There was no way I could move, my life savings were tied up in those two projects. Moreover, M. would have had her hands full with the family mess she had to handle with no time for me.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I have had several exes "come back" after my divorce....meaning men I dated after my divorce, broke up, they reached back out. None of it is very interesting.

 

I was married for 14 years, then divorced and after a few years my exH convinced me to give it another try and it resulted in the worst couple years of my life emotionally speaking. Really horrific (for me).

 

What I've learned: An ex is an ex for a reason.

[hotpotato]

I think it has a 50% chance of happening, but the ones who come back are the ones you don't want!

 

My abusive ex came back after the woman he left me for physically attacked him. We were together about 2.5 years. It was very tumultuous, and he eventually dumped me for said woman. It took about 6 months for him to come back.

 

Another guy who rejected me in favor of other women came back, though we never dated seriously.

[d0nnivain]

Every time people ask this I tell them 3 stories:

 

Mine:

 

Dated for 2 years. We broke up because he didn't want to "compete" with me professionally. Since we met in grad school I always resented the idea that he thought I was only looking for an MRS. 2-3 months later we tried again because I begged & pleaded. It was awful. The trust was gone & the relationship was a shell of what he had been.

 

My college roommate:

 

Had been with her BF since 7th grade. They lost their virginity together at the beginning of senior year of college then he dumped her to explore the world. He came back about 2 years later begging for another chance. She made him beg & crawl for about another 2 years. They eventually married &have been together for 25+ years now.

 

My friend's son:

 

His HS GF broke up with him after gradation because he was too immature. About 2 years after they graduated from different colleges they met at a mutual HS friend's party & have been together ever since. They moved in about 3 years ago & are getting married this summer.

 

If you take a LOT of time between & allow yourself to grow & mature, reconciliation might work but if there aren't YEARS between the initial break up & getting back together, it probably won't work.

[road]

Every time people ask this I tell them 3 stories:

 

 

My college roommate:

 

Had been with her BF since 7th grade. They lost their virginity together at the beginning of senior year of college then he dumped her to explore the world. He came back about 2 years later begging for another chance. She made him beg & crawl for about another 2 years. They eventually married &have been together for 25+ years now.

 

 

 

This story made me chuckle.

Did she date others after the break up?

Was she dating someone else during those two years?

Did she date him during those two years while she made him beg?

 

When Harry Met Sally, they had old actors tell their story how they

met and eventually got together throughout the movie.

[d0nnivain]

This story made me chuckle.

Did she date others after the break up?

Was she dating someone else during those two years?

Did she date him during those two years while she made him beg?

 

When Harry Met Sally, they had old actors tell their story how they

met and eventually got together throughout the movie.

 

 

She went on the occasional date during the period they were broken up. When he initially came back, she didn't go out with other men but she didn't go out with him either. Basically she threw herself into her career & her running hobby. She was always training for a marathon in those days. He was focused on med school so he wasn't dating other women while he tried to make things up to her. When she finally believed that he was sincere & was really going to stick around this time, they officially got back together & the rest, as they say, is history.

[central]

We dated a month, and both thought the other was an ideal match. Personal circumstances and distance split us up. We stayed in touch, and got back together 6 months later, once the circumstances got resolved. We've now been together 18 happy years.

[SevenCity]

Seems like these would be the ones who SHOULD come back. If you loved them and showed them that, then you'd think some would eventually reach back out unless the breakup was downright awful

 

Care to elaborate a bit on them?

 

One thing I've learned in life, and especially with women, is things usually don't go the way they should.

 

So a bit of elaboration.....Of the many women I've dated in my life, I would say there were 3 I REALLY fell in love with. Like take a bullet for them, or put a bullet in someone for them, kind of love.

 

Ex 1 Was in my early 20s we dated for 5 years. One day she broke up with me, not really sure the reason. I was devastated and have had dreams about her to this day if I go through another painful breakup. She actually did reach out to me a month later but I had found another girl (and was still enormously hurt and angry) and basically told her to F off. She was the first girl I ever opened up to and we were very close. She really set the standard for those who followed. Never heard from her again. Looking back I saw that she wasn't as good a person as I thought so was better off.

 

Ex 2 Was in my early 30s, only dated for a year (we worked together). Since Ex 1, I had yet to find a woman with whom I had such a deep connection. She was everything I wanted and more. But, she was immature and selfish underneath the sugar coated pretty package. She ghosted me and then called me a few weeks later. We met up and it was obvious she had completely lost interest. Never spoke to her again.

 

Ex 3 This was the chick who brought me here. Was in my mid 40s, dated for 7 years, broke up about 1.5 years ago. Never, ever did I meet such a wonderful woman who I also connected with so deeply (which includes my ex wife after Ex 2). She was the best friend and lover I didn't think was possible. We did everything together, stood by each other, laughed, cried, moved in together, built a life together, I had planned to ask her to marry me.

 

Then one day she wasn't sure and that was it. I tried to get back and broke NC on the 6th, 12th, and 18th month mark. Not to beg, but to let her know I missed her and wanted to try again. She either did not directly respond to my question or didn't respond at all. It was obvious she still cared about me and was attracted to me (kissing, hugging. oral sex from her on the day she moved out for good). I left the door open for her and she never came back.

 

Once women decide to leave, they RARELY come back. It's also a lot less common for the dumper to come back. You'll learn that women tend to base their emotions on what they are feeling in that particular moment. When men love, really love, a woman they never truly get over her. Women don't operate like we do. They will "love" you when they feel good, once they stop feeling good, they lose their feelings.

 

Women fall in love slowly over time and fall out of love slowly over time (and rarely let you know). Once they have fallen out of love, they will never come back.

 

Oh and there is usually someone else involved. Maybe not full on cheating but she's at least go her eye on somone.

[Mac0908]

 

Once women decide to leave, they RARELY come back. It's also a lot less common for the dumper to come back. You'll learn that women tend to base their emotions on what they are feeling in that particular moment. When men love, really love, a woman they never truly get over her. Women don't operate like we do. They will "love" you when they feel good, once they stop feeling good, they lose their feelings.

 

Women fall in love slowly over time and fall out of love slowly over time (and rarely let you know). Once they have fallen out of love, they will never come back.

 

 

Great post, but I disagree on your words above here. Women come back all the time. They are emotionally sporadic and feel regret, sadness and all sorts of emotions especially with regards to men they were once involved with. All situations are different of course, but I wouldn't say it's "rare" for them to return after they've dumped. You even wrote of TWO stories where your ex's who dumped you came back, so I don't understand, lol.

 

Also, if anything its MORE common for the dumper to be the one to reach back out based on everything I've ever read. They were the ones who ended the relationship and they are the ones who must reach back out.

[SevenCity]

Great post, but I disagree on your words above here. Women come back all the time. They are emotionally sporadic and feel regret, sadness and all sorts of emotions especially with regards to men they were once involved with. All situations are different of course, but I wouldn't say it's "rare" for them to return after they've dumped. You even wrote of TWO stories where your ex's who dumped you came back, so I don't understand, lol.

 

Also, if anything its MORE common for the dumper to be the one to reach back out based on everything I've ever read. They were the ones who ended the relationship and they are the ones who must reach back out.

 

If by "came back" you mean contacting you with breadcrumbs to alleviate guilt or keep you on the hook as plan B in case things don't work out with the new guy or use you as an emotional tampon while they ween off the failed RL, I would agree.

 

I took it as coming back to you stating they made the biggest mistake of their life and they want to get back together.

 

The latter rarely happens. The former, yes that does happen often.

[Mac0908]

I'm simply talking about reaching back out, in any form via a phone call, text, or whatever, that eventually leads to the likely scenario of them showing that they want to "come back" in some form. Doesn't have to be a grand apology saying they made the biggest mistake or anything like that. I doubt that ever happens anyway.

[SevenCity]

I'm simply talking about reaching back out, in any form via a phone call, text, or whatever, that eventually leads to the likely scenario of them showing that they want to "come back" in some form. Doesn't have to be a grand apology saying they made the biggest mistake or anything like that. I doubt that ever happens anyway.

 

A lot reach out, most don't want to get back together.

 

Do a search here for "breadcrumbs".

[Mac0908]

Well aware of what breadcrumbs are, but I don't really think they apply to many people above the age of I'd say, 25. I mean I'm 33 and I'd find it pretty shocking if a woman my age or close to my age reached out months after a relationship with drunk texts or quick flirty messages for fun.

[SevenCity]

Well aware of what breadcrumbs are, but I don't really think they apply to many people above the age of I'd say, 25. I mean I'm 33 and I'd find it pretty shocking if a woman my age or close to my age reached out months after a relationship with drunk texts or quick flirty messages for fun.

 

Dude, read the posts here. They know no age limit. Read the stories from some of the more mature dudes (search from Bromeo - not sure of his age but his story and writing style is awesome).

 

It happens from women in their 40s, 50s, 60s.

 

And I'm not talking about a drunken texts necessarily, could be a random "I miss you" or "hope you are doing well".

 

Don't think because the women you date are older that they are mature and not selfish.

 

So specifically, what's your situstion?

[somanymistakes]

We were together for about four years. We were not each other's first relationships, but we were the first serious one. The breakup was my fault - I treated him badly (and cheated on him) because of my own issues and self-loathing. I decided I was bad for him and tried to drive him away. When he still wouldn't leave, I dumped him.

 

We stayed in touch as 'friends' while I progressed through a series of incredibly stupid decisions involving people who treated me like I felt I deserved.

 

Finally, 10 years later, I decided I was an idiot and needed to go back and fix things with him, which yes did involve the grand apology, it was all my fault, biggest mistake of my life, etc.

 

Problem being that he'd just gone and gotten married in the meantime.

 

Basically I am a shining example of a crazy ex-girlfriend. Sometimes we do come around. Probably when it's most inconvenient for everyone involved.

 

If I can't make fun of my own drama, whose drama can I make fun of?

[SevenCity]

We were together for about four years. We were not each other's first relationships, but we were the first serious one. The breakup was my fault - I treated him badly (and cheated on him) because of my own issues and self-loathing. I decided I was bad for him and tried to drive him away. When he still wouldn't leave, I dumped him.

 

We stayed in touch as 'friends' while I progressed through a series of incredibly stupid decisions involving people who treated me like I felt I deserved.

 

Finally, 10 years later, I decided I was an idiot and needed to go back and fix things with him, which yes did involve the grand apology, it was all my fault, biggest mistake of my life, etc.

 

Problem being that he'd just gone and gotten married in the meantime.

 

Basically I am a shining example of a crazy ex-girlfriend. Sometimes we do come around. Probably when it's most inconvenient for everyone involved.

 

If I can't make fun of my own drama, whose drama can I make fun of?

 

Another good point made here - if they do come back it's usually when you no longer want them.