Ex's That Came Back

[Mac0908]

 

So specifically, what's your situation?

 

I once dated a girl for a few months in early 2012 and blew her off kinda cold as I was not ready for a serious relationship at the time. I always had a little regret. FIVE years later, last year, while lonely as usual, I reached back out and she was hesitant, but I gave a "grand apology" so to speak, and we got back together and tried dating again. It was fun, but I found out once and for all she wasn't the right girl for me and we kind of mutually ended things this time. It was nice to be able to have that second chance and see it through though.

 

As of recent memory I was involved with a woman for 2 amazing months who left me suddenly for her ex she wasn't over. She then came back immediately saying she thinks she made a bad decision but only to go push/pull with me for 2 weeks. I made the mistake of enabling her behavior and then pressuring her a little bit to make a decision since I wanted no part of the games. It backfired. Eventually she blew her ex off but went back to online dating instead of me. I can't help but wonder if she'll reach out one day and apologize for what she put me through, not that I would take her back, but more to just get validation that she was wrong. My thread is in Breakups.

[Mac0908]

Another good point made here - if they do come back it's usually when you no longer want them.

 

Really a fascinating thing that I seem to read over and over and over and I think I understand why.

 

It seems that the psychology behind it all is as simple as this:

 

Depending on the situation behind the breakup/the length of the relationship, etc, the DUMPER just always needs the same amount of time to REGRET or start thinking about reaching out again as the dumpee needs time to move on and get over it.

 

For example if someone is dumped (in a typical, not so great at all for the dumpee type of way) after a one year relationship, and I mean dumped as in its REALLY over and there's no more back and forth or anything of that nature...The dumper, most of the time at least, isn't going to be back in a few weeks. They've made this decision for a reason and are going to move on and stand by it. Only after a significant period of time, let's call it 5 months, where they would begin possibly regretting it and thinking of reaching out again. By that point, the dumpee will likely have already moved on.

 

And again as noted above, there are also all sorts of variables and things that affect each breakup individually. If a breakup after 6 months was downright horrific it might take a person a year to come back, but if its a relatively simple breakup after a 2 year relationship, a dumper may reach back out in a few months. All depends.

 

But I do believe one thing to be true as noted by Enigma. Typically, usually, nobody would ever come back unless there is a good reason. So basically what that means is, if it was a truly toxic relationship that was just lingering on, its likely over for good. If it were a GOOD relationship, different story and better chance of dumper reaching out down the road.

Edited March 3, 2018 by Mac0908

[SevenCity]

Really a fascinating thing that I seem to read over and over and over and I think I understand why.

 

It seems that the psychology behind it all is as simple as this:

 

Depending on the situation behind the breakup/the length of the relationship, etc, the DUMPER just always needs the same amount of time to REGRET or start thinking about reaching out again as the dumpee needs time to move on and get over it.

 

For example if someone is dumped (in a typical, not so great at all for the dumpee type of way) after a one year relationship, and I mean dumped as in its REALLY over and there's no more back and forth or anything of that nature...The dumper, most of the time at least, isn't going to be back in a few weeks. They've made this decision for a reason and are going to move on and stand by it. Only after a significant period of time, let's call it 5 months, where they would begin possibly regretting it and thinking of reaching out again. By that point, the dumpee will likely have already moved on.

 

And again as noted above, there are also all sorts of variables and things that affect each breakup individually. If a breakup after 6 months was downright horrific it might take a person a year to come back, but if its a relatively simple breakup after a 2 year relationship, a dumper may reach back out in a few months. All depends.

 

But I do believe one thing to be true as noted by Enigma. Typically, usually, nobody would ever come back unless there is a good reason. So basically what that means is, if it was a truly toxic relationship that was just lingering on, its likely over for good. If it were a GOOD relationship, different story and better chance of dumper reaching out down the road.

 

For all the protestations by my ex about the potential of us getting back together in the future, she never made it happen. It was through the advice of friends and my therapist that I reached out to her. After she ignored my first text 3 months post, she reached out to me 6 months later via email about something logistical. I used the opportunity to ask her to get together, she promptly stopped responding. We had a fantastic relationship with the exception of the last 6 months. Not fighting, just something was bothering her and I didn't know what it was.

 

Dumpers often reach out but not for reconciliation. As stated though, if they do, it is usually too late. Could be a timing issue, could be the universe communicating you are moving on, who knows.

 

But the one thing I learned is if you love a woman, it's not a good idea to do anything but forget about her once she ends the RL.

[marky00]

Seems like these would be the ones who SHOULD come back. If you loved them and showed them that, then you'd think some would eventually reach back out unless the breakup was downright awful

 

Care to elaborate a bit on them?

 

No,

 

If they know you really loved them, they are less likely to come back at the risk of hurting you further. It's too much pressure on the dumper to come back, in case it doesn't work out again.

 

They would usually reach out in that situation at some point but its normally in the form of dumping a boat load of guilt at your door step.

[Liliya]

We've been married for 3 years before splitting up. In a year or so he came back, but our reunion wasn't successful. We stayed together for 6 more months and then split up again.

[somanymistakes]

No,

 

If they know you really loved them, they are less likely to come back at the risk of hurting you further. It's too much pressure on the dumper to come back, in case it doesn't work out again.

 

And this was all tangled up in why it took me so long to finally reach out to my ex. I knew he loved me, I knew I'd hurt him terribly, and I was afraid that if I ever gave the slightest indication that I was interested in a relationship he'd jump at it, no questions asked. And then I'd probably screw things up again, and he'd be hurt again.

 

So it seemed safer to convince him that he was firmly "friendzoned", as much as I hate that stupid term.

[Mac0908]

And this was all tangled up in why it took me so long to finally reach out to my ex. I knew he loved me, I knew I'd hurt him terribly, and I was afraid that if I ever gave the slightest indication that I was interested in a relationship he'd jump at it, no questions asked. And then I'd probably screw things up again, and he'd be hurt again.

 

 

 

Overall this particular situation hits home with me bc its the exact excuse the girl that blew me off used about getting back together. (After a really, really nice 2 months without a blip on the radar, she left me for an ex out of nowhere who came back to her that she wasn't over) She felt horrible and told me it was difficult to do and that she only did it bc of the history they had, etc. She reached back out the next day and said she may have made a bad decision, but then went back and forth for the next 2 weeks (with some extra drama thrown in) before she faded away and went back to online dating. She indicated it would be too much pressure coming back and how she'd be scared to ever hurt me again. I didn't "Love" her but I certainly indicated that her blowoff hurt me a lot, and justifiably so if you could grasp how sudden it was considering how much things escalated in just the 2 months. (my original post is in Breaking Up)

 

I tried to convince her everything would be ok and would take it slow (and I meant it) and she'd just have to be 100% honest and delete the ex from her social media but it didn't matter. She didn't want to put herself in any kind of uncomfortable position. It was a shame. Feelings thrown in the garbage, or at least put aside. I often wonder if she'll ever reach back out but I know its unlikely, and I'm ok with that. Her loss. I treated her exceptionally well. She knew it and told me all the time. It's been over a month NC now. Just hurts bc when we actually dated we were extremely compatible and I felt something truly special for her. Just not meant to be I suppose.

Edited March 7, 2018 by Mac0908

[loveandtheft]

Dated a girl for a year in 2004. She was 27, I was 24. I was a terrible boyfriend, treated her like crap and basically took her for granted. She went on a two week holiday to Spain, met some guy over there and decided she was leaving me for him.

 

Up until my current breakup it was the worst ordeal I'd ever been through. I spent a month begging her to reconsider. She told me there was basically no chance she'd ever get back with me after the way I'd treated her in the past.

 

Two and a half years later (May 2007) I received a birthday email from her. She was still in Spain with her boyfriend but told me things weren't going well with him. We eventually met when she returned home in December 2007 - 3 years after the breakup. We ended up kissing. We met a few more times. She wanted to reconcile but I was over her by then.

 

I'm (probably stupidly) hoping the same thing happens with my current ex (apart from the bit about not wanting to reconcile)

Edited March 7, 2018 by loveandtheft

[Mac0908]

Bump!!!!!!!!

[Popsicle]

Bump!!!!!!!!

 

Okay. I don't see a pattern, at least for me. Some I loved and never came back and some I loved and came back. In my case, I don't see any rhyme or reason and believe me I've tried to find a pattern. There is none. The only thing I have noticed is that during the period of time that I am open to and want them to come back (up to a year after the breakup) they don't come back. They come back after a year when I have decided to move on. That's when they come back, they don't all come back to me.

[2.50 a gallon]

We lived together for 2 and a half years. Then married after she graduated from college and accepted a job in silicon valley. She was extremely good looking and sexy, fold out material. Her job turned out to be the first female to work in an all men department, some of whom were into the EST cult. They pushed hard for her and I to take the classes. Too much money for a couple in debt with her college and just getting married. So the fights began almost immediately. On our six month anniversary, I showed up at her job site to surprise her and was the one surprised as I caught her in the parking lot kissing a body building guard. Thankfully there was a chain link fence topped with razor wire between us. But the things I had to say embarrassed her in front of her co-workers. She went home with him that night and the next week moved in with him. About a month later a neighbor (another ESTer) was having a BBQ and invited the two of them over. She stopped by our place and said she wanted to spend some time with our cats. In truth it was to rub more salt in the wound telling me how happy she was with the OM.

When she got ready to leave she threw her empty soda can in the garbage and discovered an empty bottle of champagne and knowing me, she knew I had not slept alone the previous night. After rushing to the bedroom and seeing the mess, she collapsed and began sobbing how she had made a mistake and would I take her back. How she loved only me, and then went outside and at the top of her lungs let the guests at the BBQ and the neighborhood know about the sexual inadequacies of the OM.

To me although it was extremely painful we were finished. We did go to one MC session, were I simply said she cheated and in no way would I ever consider taking her back.

She did not give up, she would show up at the least expected places, such as where I shopped for groceries and the hobby shop. For the first year I got Christmas and B-Day gifts, and for the next 3 plus years, cards on Valentines. And occasional phone calls.

Then one night after 3 plus years I got a really weird call about us moving on in life and I reaffirmed that we were through. I was to later find out she married the next day.

Edited March 14, 2018 by 2.50 a gallon

[lucy_in_disguise]

My first serious relationship was in college. We dated for about 3 years and I was completely committed and in love. He dumped me for being too clingy and proceeded to go NC. Being cut out like that, when the relationship had been the center of my world, was very traumatic for me, and it took me years to move on. During that time, I reached out many times, but he ignored me. He reached out several times too with pointless breadcrumby initiatives. Many years later (8?) I was fresh out of a different relationship, and he reached out again. We talked for a few weeks and then I flew out to visit. The trip made me realize I had no interest in rekindling any kind of relationship with him anymore. I think the feeling was mutual, because I never heard from him again after that. Good riddance!

 

I was the dumper in most of my other relationships, and never went back (or had anyone come back).

 

In my current relationship, which I hope is the one, we had a somewhat rocky start. He wasnt ready for a serious relationship, so we tried to stop seeing each other, but effectively failed. We were both constantly reaching out to each other. After several months of seeing each other without a label we decided we were in fact in a relationship. four years later it is serious, we are very happy and still can't resist each other.

[Eternal Sunshine]

As a woman, I can say that it’s mostly about how I’m feeling in the moment. I often reach out to exes when I’m feeling lonely or bored. I sometimes even sleep with them. I never intend to get back with them because once it’s over, my feelings tend to be dead forever. Having said that, I only do it to men that I didn’t think truly loved me either and are happy to get some sex. If I have genuinely hurt someone (which is rare), I don’t contact them again and feel guilty for quite a while.

[CatMinx]

So OP, you were only with this chick for 2 months and you’re obsessing this hard about it? This seems more like a you problem than a relationship problem...from what you’ve said about her it honestly doesn’t seem like she was ever all that into dating you.

 

It’s time to move on buddy.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

1 - How long did you date 1991-1994

 

2 - Quick summary of why things ended/who dumped who

 

 

She was 17 in high school when we started dating. We grew apart for various reasons - immaturity, bad influences, etc. She wanted space. It was a long time ago so my memory is fuzzy but we were still hanging out after a couple weeks of no contact. I ended up cheating and she dumped me.

 

 

3 - How long it took for your ex (or yourself) to reach back out

 

 

I semi pursued her for a couple years after that but she wanted no part of it. We were friendly at times. 2017 I reached out to her and we met for coffee. Amazing chemistry between us.