My husband has been on my last nerve for the past 4 months

[tme0]

My husband and I have been together for almost 6 years, married almost 3. We just had a baby 5 months ago. I have been feeling very angered and annoyed at him constantly. This was a feeling I have had before but it has been gone up until recently. I even remember telling my mom while I was pregnant, that we were in the best spot we had ever been in and I was so happy.

 

For the past couple of months, my husband will gt home from work, eat dinner then go straight to his computer to play video games with his friends. He will play until around 3-4 am during the week, then go to bed. He gets up whenever the following morning and goes to work. (He has very flexible work hours). Then he gets home and repeat. Every few days the lack of sleep catches up with him and he will sleep after dinner, wake up a little before I go to bed, then game until early in the morning. Last night he went to bed at 7AM.

 

I've told him countless times how that is ridiculous. How we need to spend time together, but he says there is nothing wrong with what he is doing and that he is a good husband. We used to go to bed around the same time during the week and he would stay up late on the weekends, which I didn't mind.

 

And of course, this affects our sex life. With a new baby, we can't have sex on a whim anymore. The only time is pretty much after baby goes to sleep at night. But the past month or 2 I have not wanted sex even a little bit. He asked last night and I couldn't. I've said ok the past time or 2 even though I didn't feel like it and I the whole time I just wanted it over and I didn't feel like doing that again last night.

 

He makes more money than I do, so he says that is why he does not need to help around the house hardly at all. (We both have a full time job). I've told him that is ridiculous but he says it is perfectly logical. So I have to work my full time job and care for the baby and the house since I make less money. I also handle finances, pay the bills, do the grocery shopping and any other shopping that needs to be done, I run the errands, take care of the yard (not mowing, our neighbor's son mows. More like weeding and planting/watering, etc.) I also take the trash and recycling to the dump.

 

Over the past maybe 2 years, he has just gotten really....I'm not sure the word, just weird in the way he thinks. Like most people will think or act a certain/similar way, but he will act the opposite. I don't know if that makes sense.

 

He's also, what he calls "brutally honest" but what I call plain rude. He will tell anyone anything on his mind and say, "what, would you rather I lie?" There are ways to be honest in a nice way, but he doesn't care. One example of this is the other day, he flat out told his mother (who is one of the nicest, sweetest ladies I know, who would do ANYTHING for him at the drop of a hat) that he hates the way he raised him and wants to raise his son completely opposite of that.

 

You can't tell him anything without it turning into a debate or him saying it's pointless or not worthy of his attention. It's to the point where I figure why even bother talking to him.

 

I've got so much more but this post is already very long. Maybe I can elaborate more after some comments, if needed.

 

Thank you if you made it this far, lol

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

"He makes more money than I do, so he says that is why he does not need to help around the house hardly at all. (We both have a full time job). I've told him that is ridiculous but he says it is perfectly logical. So I have to work my full time job and care for the baby and the house since I make less money. I also handle finances, pay the bills, do the grocery shopping and any other shopping that needs to be done, I run the errands, take care of the yard (not mowing, our neighbor's son mows. More like weeding and planting/watering, etc.) I also take the trash and recycling to the dump."

 

Your husband is a zillion percent WRONG. Omg, you poor thing. He sounds like the most selfish man on earth!!!!! My EX husband used to say dumb stuff because he made more money than I did, but it was more along the lines of him being allowed to scrutinize every little purchase I made but he could go make a major purchase without even consulting me. He was very helpful around the house and would never have said I had to do more housework because he made more money. There are only so many hours in a day and you each have the same amount of hours! Are you nursing your baby on top of this???

 

He needs a swift and hard kick in the butt.

[tme0]

There are only so many hours in a day and you each have the same amount of hours! Are you nursing your baby on top of this???

 

He needs a swift and hard kick in the butt.

 

I'm not nursing anymore.

 

He says that since I go ahead and do the housework, that I have freedom in purchases. That if housework is 50/50, then purchases would be 50/50 such as groceries or stuff for the house/baby. Not sure how that would work because if he ever has to step foot into any kind of store he throws a fit because he hates shopping.

 

But even as far as housework is concerned, he says I "Clean the clean" aka clean what is already clean, which is not true. Last week I vacuumed, as I do every week, and showed him the full canister. He said that the floors still didn't need cleaning, it could've waited. I hadn't mopped in a few weeks, and his socks were black from the dirt. So black that I asked him if he had been walking outside in his socks, which he said no. So I asked him if he thought the floor needed to be cleaned then, to which he also said no it is fine still. This goes for everything. I'm to the point where I don't believe he actually believes that, that he just says it since he has it in his mind that he is not going to clean.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm not nursing anymore.

 

He says that since I go ahead and do the housework, that I have freedom in purchases. That if housework is 50/50, then purchases would be 50/50 such as groceries or stuff for the house/baby. Not sure how that would work because if he ever has to step foot into any kind of store he throws a fit because he hates shopping.

 

But even as far as housework is concerned, he says I "Clean the clean" aka clean what is already clean, which is not true. Last week I vacuumed, as I do every week, and showed him the full canister. He said that the floors still didn't need cleaning, it could've waited. I hadn't mopped in a few weeks, and his socks were black from the dirt. So black that I asked him if he had been walking outside in his socks, which he said no. So I asked him if he thought the floor needed to be cleaned then, to which he also said no it is fine still. This goes for everything. I'm to the point where I don't believe he actually believes that, that he just says it since he has it in his mind that he is not going to clean.

 

He really sounds like a jerk. He's trying to create his own reality and get you to believe him. Don't fall for it. He just wants a life of luxury it sounds. His way of thinking is NOT normal and not correct.

 

My brother in law used to purposefully put totally dirty dishes away when he "washed the dishes." My sister was determined never to complain about it because she thought he was probably doing it on purpose as a way to just say, "fine, then I won't do them anymore." Now he has issues (mental illness) WAY more serious than that. Just sayin......

[BaileyB]

Your husband sounds like a very entitled man-child. The fact that he makes more money in his job does not excuse him from household and parenting responsibilities. For him to every suggest such a thing, is completely ridiculous...

 

Did you see this attitude before you were married or before you had a child? Because, that would have been the time to head this off...

[tme0]

Your husband sounds like a very entitled man-child. The fact that he makes more money in his job does not excuse him from household and parenting responsibilities. For him to every suggest such a thing, is completely ridiculous...

 

Did you see this attitude before you were married or before you had a child? Because, that would have been the time to head this off...

 

No, I didn't. He spent every spare second with me while we were dating. The comment about the housework was made not long ago. I think while I was pregnant. And he does help out with the baby some. But I don't mind doing most of the baby-related stuff. I am gone working all day and only get a few hours with him when I get home, so I am fine doing the feedings and changing and whatnot. Besides, my husband has ridiculous thoughts when it comes to the baby and if I'm doing everything for the baby, I know he won't do those things. Ex. he has been wanting to give him baby food since 2-3 months, I've told him that's way too young 100 times. He is insistent upon giving baby Puffs crackers now (those are for age 8months+) He even went and bought a tub of them which I hid as soon as I saw it. So if I'm doing everything for the baby, I'm ok because I know that he's safe and my husband won't be trying to give him freaking crackers at barely 5 months old.

 

While we were dating he was a bit "brutally honest" but not anywhere near the degree to which he is right now. It's kind of like a "Better than everyone else" attitude. He wasn't ever "brutally honest" with me though, he'd just do the polite honest thing lol. He still does that for the most part though, to me.

[IndigoNight]

You should contact a maid service and ask them to come over and give you a quote, based on what cleaning you do daily/weekly. If you do the cooking, figure out what the local hourly pay is for a line cook or chef. Basically, take the time to put a price (the average rate in your area) on everything that you do, for free. (There are several sites that will even help you figure out how much you should be paid for all that you do: https://www.salary.com/mom-paycheck/ ) Then, add your salary to it. Does he still make that much more than you do?

 

He may make more at work, but that is a pathetic excuse to not help clean the home he lives in too. You work too. The majority of the housework typically falls on the person who works fewer hours, and not just on the person who makes less. The bottom line is you both live there, and have a child. If my husband had on socks so dirty they were black, I would hand him a broom and mop. Claiming it's not that bad is your husband's lazy excuse for not taking care of what needs to be done.

 

I don't think that housework should be automatically 50/50, unless that is what works best for a couple. For my husband and I, it doesn't work, and never has. Sometimes I do most of it, and other times my husband takes on the heavier load. We have a general "If it needs to be done, just do it" policy in our house. I did not get married so that I could raise another child, and he didn't marry me to replace his mommy.

 

As far as what he wants to feed the baby, make an appointment with your pediatrician. Have the doctor explain what your baby can, and cannot, have, and when to start introducing certain foods into your babies diet.

 

Your marriage needs a reality check, or the issues you have now will seem minor compared to the ones you will have if he keeps acting like a spoiled entitled child, and you a disinterested (in sex) wife. The resentment will grow if nothing is done about it.

[Mr. Lucky]

I even remember telling my mom while I was pregnant, that we were in the best spot we had ever been in and I was so happy.

 

Guess I'm confused. Someone doesn't develop this degree of "me first" entitlement overnight, he had to bring this 19th-century attitude to the marriage.

 

How could you have been so happy 6 months ago?

 

Mr. Lucky

[whichwayisup]

Your husband is selfish and stubborn. From what you've said, he'd rather be right no matter what, no compromising or hearing other sides. You must be so frustrated with him!

 

Hire a cleaning lady to come once a week. You work and you look after a baby, your husband isn't picking up the slack to be helpful. He isn't acting like a 'family man' let alone someone who genuinely cares about your (and his baby too!) well being.

 

You say he's brutally honest, which means he dishes it out whenever he feels like it but can he take it if someone is honest with him? Tell him how you feel and why.

 

HE is this childs father, is your husband and it seems he's failing you both. Are you really happy in this marriage? Would he consider going to counseling with you?

[MidwestUSA]

Guess I'm confused. Someone doesn't develop this degree of "me first" entitlement overnight, he had to bring this 19th-century attitude to the marriage.

 

How could you have been so happy 6 months ago?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

I'm going to guess anticipation (of the baby).

 

Now it's reality.

 

 

I'm so sorry, OP. It sounds like your H needs a good kick in the behind.

 

I'm willing to bet he'll throw a fit if you bring up the topic of a cleaning lady. Let me know.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You should contact a maid service and ask them to come over and give you a quote, based on what cleaning you do daily/weekly.

 

And while you're at that, hire them.

[d0nnivain]

Can you try MC to get him to understand that if you behaved the way he does, somebody would call child protective services & take the baby away because nobody would be providing the child with basic necessities - a clean house & food. Where does his mother stand on all of this?

 

On another angle does your husband make enough money for you to quit your job & be a SAHM so in essence your hours would be less?

[tme0]

As far as what he wants to feed the baby, make an appointment with your pediatrician. Have the doctor explain what your baby can, and cannot, have, and when to start introducing certain foods into your babies diet.

 

He goes to the pediatrician appointments. Never asks. When he says stuff about wanting to give the baby baby food at 2-3 months or little Puffs now, after telling him the baby is not ready yet I always tell him to go ahead and call the pediatrician and ask. If she says it is alright, I will personally go out, buy it and give it to the baby. He never replies when I say that.

 

Guess I'm confused. Someone doesn't develop this degree of "me first" entitlement overnight, he had to bring this 19th-century attitude to the marriage.

 

How could you have been so happy 6 months ago?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

My husband and I have been together for almost 6 years, married almost 3. We just had a baby 5 months ago. I have been feeling very angered and annoyed at him constantly. This was a feeling I have had before but it has been gone up until recently. I even remember telling my mom while I was pregnant, that we were in the best spot we had ever been in and I was so happy.

 

HE is this child's father, is your husband and it seems he's failing you both. Are you really happy in this marriage? Would he consider going to counseling with you?

 

No, I'm not happy. And I've explicitly told him this several times. Once in the very beginning of our marriage and things changed. I've told him that again recently. He says I have post partum depression and that is why I am not happy. (I don't have that...) And that it is not his job to make me happy. That is true and I agree. I am happy in other aspects, but marriage wise, I'm not.

 

When we were dating, we both agreed if we ever needed counseling that we would both go. I've mentioned before that we should go, to which he angrily replies that we can't afford it....which is true but it is cheaper than a divorce, I imagine.

 

I'm willing to bet he'll throw a fit if you bring up the topic of a cleaning lady. Let me know.

 

I have. Again, he angrily replies we can't afford it. Even if we got someone to just come in once per month so I can have a break, I think it'd be worth it and we can afford that I'm sure (I've never priced it but I imagine we could).

My mom has been living with us since June while her house was being built (She is actually moving out today). She has been helping me with the housework so that has been a huge relief.

 

 

Can you try MC to get him to understand that if you behaved the way he does, somebody would call child protective services & take the baby away because nobody would be providing the child with basic necessities - a clean house & food. Where does his mother stand on all of this?

 

----- His parents house looks like it could be on the next Hoarders episode. So I am not too sure where she'd stand on the topic of a clean house. She has commented on how our floors need to be clean once baby starts crawling (mainly because we have 2 cats and she's concerned with the baby eating cat hair.) We recently got a robot vacuum that runs daily and while I still have to vacuum at least once per week, that thing has been a huge lifesaver.

 

As far as food, she has told him he is too young. He doesn't care. He thinks the baby is old enough so that's what matters. His father and brother agree with him on the topic of food. I've caught them giving him little things here and there...like his dad squished a blueberry and stuck his finger in it then gave it to my baby. While I know that's not "harmful" it is not good either right now. My son will be ready for food soon and once he is I have no problem giving it to him.

 

On another angle does your husband make enough money for you to quit your job & be a SAHM so in essence your hours would be less?

 

No. Especially not right now. It's going to take us a year to pay off the hospital bill from delivery, even with my insurance.

[BaileyB]

Well, that may be a huge part of the problem... If he grew up in a dirty home where stuff was hoarded and things were disorganized, that is his perspective and he may not expect anything more...

 

It certainly doesn't explain his sense of entitlement or his stubborn refusal to consider anyone's opinion than his own.

 

Just wait until your child grows and learns to feed himself and/or play outside, you will need to run the vacuum more than once a week!

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

How much of his attitude has to do with your mom living there? Does she have a job? Does he expect HER to be doing the housework?

[tme0]

How much of his attitude has to do with your mom living there? Does she have a job? Does he expect HER to be doing the housework?

 

She is retired. She's been giving us a little each month for "rent" because she wanted to. We told her she didn't need to. She cares for our son everyday whilewe are at work and she'll continue to do so after she moves. No he doesn't expect her to do the housework, hes told her several times she doesn't have to do any cleaning

[Els]

I'm confused. You say he was perfect 6 months ago and now things are like this - but how does someone develop a mentality like that overnight? How did you split the housework/finances 6 months ago?

 

Anyway, to start with, I wouldn't ASK him to get a cleaner. Just get one. If he complains, tell him that you can stop paying the cleaner if he pulls his weight. His choice.

 

Secondly, insist on MC. Give him an ultimatum if you must.

[BaileyB]

I also wonder if your mother living in your home is contributing to this "change" in attitude.

 

You need marriage counselling. He needs to understand the consequence of his behavior... if this continues, he will be paying you child support and/or spousal support because you will not be doing all the work to support his lazy ways...

 

Definitely do NOT have another child with this man until you get this issue sorted and his behavior changes - consistently.

 

The last thing you need is to be raising three children...

[preraph]

There's no say I'd put up with that. I mean, why? Now that you have a baby, he just thinks you're stuck and nothing you can do about it. That's why he's acting this way. Because now he thinks he can. It's baby blackmail. If you've already talked to him, try talking to his mom. I wouldn't have sex with him either. Tell him you only have sex with nice helpful people who don't run you into the ground and use you up.

[Yosemite]

From your thread in 2016 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/596812-i-need-my-husband-do-more :

 

When he gets home from work, he goes straight to the xbox and plays until it is time for bed (he stays up later than he should, which makes it impossible for him to get up the next morning. 9 days out of 10, I have to wake him up (sometimes several times) before he will get up for work.

 

We have had countless discussions about how I need him to help out around the house. I can't work 2 jobs and do everything in the home. These conversations fall on deaf ears. Or he might do one chore the next day then think he's fulfilled his duty for the next few months. I'm just so tired of having the same conversation with him.

 

 

I guess this has been a pattern of behavior for him. Doesn't seem like he's going to change, so it seems like your options are to leave or accept that this is how he is and will always be.

 

My advice, hire a maid whether he likes it or not. He plays video games all night whether you like it or not and doesn't help around the house whether you like it or not...get a maid, you have a infant and need the help.

[Mr. Lucky]

My advice, hire a maid whether he likes it or not. He plays video games all night whether you like it or not and doesn't help around the house whether you like it or not...get a maid, you have a infant and need the help.

 

Beyond that, assuming your choice is to stay in the marriage, you should unilaterally make decisions based on what's best for you and your child. If your H isn't going to participate, so be it. But you'll need to be proactive about the challenges involved in raising a child alone or lose your sanity. In short, time to start being as selfish as he is...

 

Mr. Lucky