I feel rotten

[sparkle]

I'm looking for your thoughts/opinions on this. The past week has made me question some things. This is long but I guess the length is mainly for me to get it out clearly.

 

Last Fri night, I ran into a guy I had once met at college. I hadn't seen him for about 2 years, I found out he recently returned from a tour in France/Europe with his band. Well he mentioned that he just bought a Ducati, and for those of you who don't know much about motorcycles, it's an AWESOME bike.

 

Well we ended up going on a wild motorcycle ride through the city. I had to hold on well, so my arms were wrapped around his body, holding on tight. I didn't see anything wrong with this. Well we were behind some traffic and I looked to my left...my boyfriend's friends were next to us. At that moment I realized--uh oh this doesn't look too good: I'm downtown, it's 1 am, I've got my arms wrapped around a guy on the back of a bike, and it's not my boyfriend.

 

And afterwards, we ended up hanging out, and just listening to what he was saying started made me feel so attracted to him. It also reminded me of that initial spark I felt when I met him 2 yrs ago. Well, he invited me to his place the next night where him and his band were putting on a show.

 

I told my boyfriend about the motorcycle ride and it didn't bother him. He said he completely trusted me, but if it happened again, he'd be jealous. The next evening, I asked my bf to come with me to the guy's party. I guess I was trying to prove to him that this guy was just a friend. Or maybe I was trying to prove to myself that I wasn't attracted to him. Later this week he emailed twice, first thanking me for coming and mentioning that he'd like to hang out, and a detailed second email about his recording schedule and free time this weekend.

 

I feel myself becoming attracted to him/intrigued by his personality, and wanting to find out more about him. He's interested in me as well and wants to spend some time with me.

 

But I feel so rotten for having these thoughts/feelings. I have a boyfriend! And the timing couldn't be any worse. Even though my bf and I had some rough moments a while ago, the past 2 months have been beyond excellent. Everything is perfect...great communication, no problems. He's had his share of girls in the past, but is very happy with me, is settled with a job/house now and keeps mentioning marriage. I want to marry him also sometime(He's 27, I'm 21).

 

The sad part is that the past weekend, there was a cheesy moment when I realized I am completely in love with my bf. I mentioned wanting a pina colada slurpee, and he drove to six 7-11's and checked each one until he finally found my flavor, and seeing his smile as he came out with it...that was the exact moment I knew it was love! Come on...any guy that would do that has got to be incredible! (I had to make this book-long post interesting)

 

So...

 

1. I learned many things about this other guy while talking to him, but not an enormous amount. So how can I be attracted to him so quickly? Am I really attracted to him or is it just his wilder-than-average, sportbike-riding, helmet-carrying drummer image that is so alluring? (if that makes sense)

 

2. WHY would I now be thinking about him even though everything is going so well in my relationship? I should have no reason to be interested in anyone other than my boyfriend. But then why do I want to get to know this guy better?

 

3. It makes me wonder about my current relationship. Maybe my bf is the perfect guy and the relationship is perfect. But maybe I'm not ready to see myself getting engaged in a year or so. Maybe the timing is just off? Could it have to do with me still wanting to experience things, meet people, etc?

 

3. If so, what is wrong with me??? Why am I so curious??

 

What do I do now? How do I deal with temptation while in a relationship?

 

5. Since most of my friends are male, my boyfriend trusts me hanging out with them every now and then. I could just be friends with this guy and get to know him slowly. But then by doing that, I'm deceiving my bf. I'd be taking advantage of the fact that he trusts me with these guys because he knows I'm not interested in them. But in this case, I AM attracted to him. I don't ever want it to get to a point where I'd be tempted to cheat on him, I could never do that.

 

6. Do I tell my boyfriend that I'm not ready to fully commit, and want to date other people? But it'd be very stupid to ruin the whole relationship over a little crush.

 

7. Do I completely cut this other guy out of my life again, set my mind on not thinking about him again, and focus on my boyfriend? If so, what's a polite way to tell him this? He doesn't think I have a boyfriend...when he asked who the guy was that was with me at his party, I led him on by saying, "a friend".

 

I feel like such a terrible girlfriend.

 

Any comments?

[Tony T]

Calm down, all this is pretty normal!

 

1. "So how can I be attracted to him so quickly?"

 

Because he's a nice guy. Because you had some remnants of feelings floating around inside of you from when you knew him before. And why shouldn't you be attracted to him? What's so awful about that? I sometimes see ten or 20 ladies in one day I'm attracted to physicially. I'm sure if I stopped to talk to them at length, the number would be unusually high...most likely.

 

There are many women I'd like to get to know better. Like to date. There are many women I know very well that could be great for me. And there are many in my past that I wished could be back in my life. I just wasn't ready for them at that time. I know that so I don't sweat it.

 

2. "Am I really attracted to him or is it just his wilder-than-average, sportbike-riding, helmet-carrying drummer image that is so alluring?"

 

It doesn't make any difference why. Until the day you die, you will be attracted to different men. If you aren't you're DEAD!!! The deal here is that one day, maybe now, maybe later, you have to make a committment to someone to be with them hopefully for the rest of your life. When that happens, you don't just magically stop being attracted to other men...but you just stop worrying about it and you don't ponder acting on it.

 

Well, many people actually do keep their committments and I think you would. A lot of married people just go ahead and act out on these attractions.

 

Yes, they sometimes happen at vulnerable times. But not necessarily. Your relationship can be EXCELLENT and you can still find other men attractive. But if you are indeed committed to someone, that's where it should stop. But never, ever feel guilty or bad in any way because you found someone else enticing.

 

3. "WHY would I now be thinking about him even though everything is going so well in my relationship?"

 

Because you were smitten. Perhaps this is a new experience for you. But it will happen many times in your life. Yes, we'd like to feel that when we fall in love we would just STOP being attracted to other people...but it doesn't happen that way. That's where loyalty, fidelity, ethics, morals, etc. come it. You can make a choice to act on it or you can just let it pass.

 

I also might add right here that a wild ride on the back of a cycle is death defying. The excitement of the wind rushing past you and the possiblity of crashing any second can stir up some wild feelings sometimes. I guess maybe the same chemicals can cause feelings of attraction. I suppose I could get a lot of chicks interested if I took them out for a spin on a motorcycle. But, then again, I am hardly Davidson.

 

I also think a lot of this post has to do with you fear about what happens when your boyfriend's buddies who witnessed this cozy little experience describe it to your boyfriend and he gets a little huffy. I'm sure in your pre-emptive disclosure to him, you didn't tell him you were grabbing this guy tight around the waste and enjoying the hell out of yourself. But your friends are likely to make this pretty clear. Don't worry about it. I think it probably wasn't using the best judgement considering your relationship...but maybe there's your answer right there. Maybe you wanted to be observed. You have to answer that.

 

Thankfully you are still single and you have the luxury of exploring situations if you are that intrigued. If intuitively you feel you would be better off in some way with this new guy, you should take the risk and go for it. You're young enough that if it didn't work, you could always successfully move forward. It kind of dulls the notion that there's one special person out there for each of us...and perhaps there is. That special person is the one you end up with.

 

I caution you about musicians. They normally have lots of girls after them and many have a different girl every night. They are skilled at flirting...but I hear you are too. You must enjoy the challenge of taming these types of guys down. I seem to recall your current bf in a job situation where he came in contact with many females and temptations. But musicians are a breed unto themselves. Women throw themselves at them. Use caution if you go for this...see, you are even thinking about throwing yourself at him yourself.

 

4. "I should have no reason to be interested in anyone other than my boyfriend. But then why do I want to get to know this guy better?"

 

Curiosity, mostly. And you are still young. You've got lots of the exploring bug still in you. It's a pretty natural thing. Until we are REALLY ready to settle down, really, really, really, we get these feelings we just have to see what's out there. But, even when you REALLY feel like settling down and you commit to somebody, you'll still be attracted to other men.

 

You simply have to make a decision here...a really tough decision. Do you want to stay with your current boyfriend and gamble on working towards marriage or do you want to do more exploring? Will not exploring this new guy drive you nuts for the rest of your life or can you just forget him in a week or two? It's been two years and you still have a flicker of a pilot light for him. Your call here.

 

5. "But maybe I'm not ready to see myself getting engaged in a year or so. Maybe the timing is just off? Could it have to do with me still wanting to experience things, meet people, etc?"

 

A lot of your answer here is in the fact that you even have to ask these questions.

 

It could have a hell of a lot to do with that. I don't think you're ready. Of course, it's real romantic to think of wedding bells...but you're very young and you've got lots of time. You're also very analytical and you think a lot about things. That's good. But it gets you in jams like these.

 

Love has EVERYTHING to do with timing. Usually, when we are absolutely ready to settle down, we grab onto the first decent person that comes along once that happens.

 

And, yes, the only thing life is about is experiencing things. That's one of its main meanings. You are obviously wanting to experience more. You have to think about just how much you want to do that. If that's the case, be true to yourself and your desires and spare others.

 

6. "If so, what is wrong with me??? Why am I so curious??"

 

Nothing is wrong at all. It's pretty normal. Absolutely normal. You could be a little insecure on the one hand so you just look to take relationships as far as possible. This conflicts with your adventurous spirit. It takes a degree of risk to leave the security of a known quanitity (your current relationship) for an unknown quantity (a possible relationship). However, this kind of insecurity doesn't belong in your life. You don't stay in relationships because of insecurity. You do so because that's abolutely where you want to be.

 

7. "What do I do now? How do I deal with temptation while in a relationship?"

 

You obviously don't cheat. And I don't recommend you hang out with someone you are tempted by. Make a decision. You have only two choices. Stay with your current boyfriend and see where that goes if you are truly happy. Or break up with him and pursue other people.

 

8. "...But in this case, I AM attracted to him. I don't ever want it to get to a point where I'd be tempted to cheat on him, I could never do that."

 

We just talked about that. You have a decision you have to make here. But it is an absolute lie to hang around and try to be friends with someone you are attracted to. Just don't do that to yourself. Decide exactly what you want here and then execute your plan. You can't just hang out and be friends with this guy. It will not work and it's not good for you emotionally.

 

9. "Do I tell my boyfriend that I'm not ready to fully commit, and want to date other people? But it'd be very stupid to ruin the whole relationship over a little crush."

 

You have no choice but to tell your boyfriend if that's how you really feel. You have to decide if this is just a little crush or if its something you want to explore.

 

Remember, you are young and you have the luxury of these kinds of decisions now. Later, when you are married with a child or two, it will be much more difficult to just up and leave to pursue these kinds of attractions...which you will definitely have.

 

Married women often have even more of these attractions than single women. As their marriage ages, if they married the wrong person or if they feel neglected emotionally and or physically, they do become attracted to a lot of men in very strong ways. So if you're going to move around and explore, this is the time to do it if you feel you must.

 

10. "Do I completely cut this other guy out of my life again, set my mind on not thinking about him again, and focus on my boyfriend?"

 

You can't suck me into making this kind of decision for you. Only you can decide. You have to decision just what kind of value your current relationship has to you, if there's a meaningful future in it, if your current boyfriend is the guy you want to spend the rest of your days on the planet with and be OK and very happy with that. If the answer is yes, you bet you need to cut it off with the other guy.

 

Now, if you think you're going to lose your mind thinking about this other guy for many years to come if you don't act in some way, then there's your decision. But the decision is very much yours to make.

 

11. "If so, what's a polite way to tell him this? He doesn't think I have a boyfriend...when he asked who the guy was that was with me at his party, I led him on by saying, "a friend"."

 

Wow, I get to the last sentence and here lies the key to all of this. Your statement to him indicates you are simply NOT ready for committment. You want to play and explore. Nothing wrong with that at all. If you were solidly into your current boyfriend, you wouldn't have said this.

 

I think underneath you have insecurities but I don't think that's a major thing. I think mostly you are still at the age where you enjoy new things and if you start seeing this new guy he definitely won't be the last.

 

Don't ever ever ever settle for somebody just because you are having a great relationship with them. I know that sounds silly but a great relationship is just one component in our decision to remain with that person forever. If you are an intelligent person, you can have many great relationships. You have to go with your feelings. I just don't see you being ready to settle down...not by a longshot.

 

But you need to take a little time to explore your feelings and yourself. There are no guarantees in life. Yes, if you leave your current guy you could feel great regret in the future. If you don't explore this current...and future...possibilities you could also carry deep regret with you for a very long time.

 

But I really don't see you being anywhere ready to settle down. The part of you that wants to hang into a relationship is the insecure part...the same part that's keeping you with going forward to explore this new guy.

 

Let's say you did decide to explore this new situation. It could last for a week, a month, a year or a lifetime. If you do decide to do that, first break up with your guy. Don't be a shxt and ask for one of those stupid vacations to "find yourself." Then just hang out with this other guy. See how he reacts to his groupie ladies. See if you're special to him or if he just makes every lady feel special. See what the two of you have in common more than chemistry and curiosity. Then make a decision to move one way or the other with him.

 

There are lots of guys in the world and you will be attracted to different ones forever. So just get used to it.

 

12. "I feel like such a terrible girlfriend."

 

Not at all. You are giving some very thoughtful consideration to all this that will be in the best interests of you and your current boyfriend.

[sparkle]

Hey Tony,

 

It helped me realize what I was thinking and what to do about it even while I wrote it all down. Writing it out sure helps!

 

You made it a lot more clear, thanks!

[Rogue]

I don't want to be too hard on you sparkle.I just don't want to see you possibly mess a good thing up.Your boyfriend cleared matters by stating one simple fact:

 

"if it happened again, he'd be jealous"(your words)

 

Remember a while back when you posted how mad you were you boyfriend came home late from a club he went to? Remember how you felt at the time? Riding around in a motorcycle at 1 a.m. alone with a guy (who's attractive)is even worse than that.

 

Your boyfriend is not stupid. He knows if he reacts to something like that in a negative way you'd consider him insecure and possessive. He knows he has to give you room to breathe. But that doesn't mean secretly he's not hurt or scared he might lose you. He just can't show it. Don't bother trying to "trick" him by trying by showing him the drummer is just a friend, it won't work. He'd see through it,like I would.

 

You are not to blame for being attracted to drummer. You're just human. It's normal to have those feelings. Your only fault would be on how you deal with those feelings. It's the choices you make AFTER these temptations that condemn or justify you. No bad choices, no need for guilt.

 

Don't you see, sparkle? There will ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS be the attractive drummer.Or the charming co-worker. Or the cute buddy of your boyfriend.Or that really gorgeous meat-cutter at the local deli. (I'm exagerrating !!) If you don't learn to handle your attractions, you'll never be able to commit to anyone, even a wonderful guy. You've got to start exercising some control over these feelings, as well as the circumstances in which they originate. Nip this stuff in the bud, and it's goes away as fast as it came. Ponder and fantasize about it too much, you end up making them stronger.

 

My advice for you? Forget about the drummer and his party. Don't bother making an excuse why you can't go, the drummer will understand in time. Instead, that exact night cook your boyfriend a nice dinner, rent his favorite movie, and cuddle by candlelight together. Trust me, sparkle, you won't regret it. I would personally love to have a girl who cared enough about me to drive through a million 7-11's to get my drink.

[sparkle]

You're completely right. There will always be people out there...it's a good idea to "nip this in the bud".

 

Thanks a bunch!