Would like to get a Man's POV - Husband Acting Strange

[steph1980nyc]

Hello -

 

First, I guess I should provide some background and some past activities that could be intruding on the present.

 

Hubby and I have been married 7 years, during the engagement I cheated on him. In time, he forgave and we moved forward. To my knowledge, he remained faithful during that time and I have zero reason to suspect otherwise.

 

My hubby has a professional job but is probably one of the younger folks in the company - his social life is pretty minimal, I've met his friends years ago but most of them moved away and he really hasn't bothered to reconnect with others.

 

As for me, my social life is fairly strong - I typically go out once a week for happy hours with the girls. This seems to always present problems when I return - he's pointed out in the past that I fail to tell the kids I'm going out and will be late, he's made references that I never tell him where i'm going or when I'm going to be home. He is right about those two items, I simply forget. I forgot last week also which is where things seem to have come off the tracks.

 

Next, in the past he asked questions about what I do during my lunch hours - he's tried to have lunch with me in the past but with the commute time and schedules never seems to work out. He asked if I have 1x1 lunches with a member of the opposite sex - which I do. He had an issue with that and said it's strange and he'd never do that. He never asked me not to do it. However, last week I did have lunch with the same person again who is a man - he's my former boss with my previous employer and I use the opportunity to network. My husband asked out of the blue if it was with him and I said it was - and he got upset saying that I should be aware of his feelings on the topic.

 

He also made it known that apparently my laptop was making noises over the past few weeks and he was aware of all the frequent messages that I've been exchanging with my former boss as it was displaying on the laptop. I always delete the messages - just a habit but he noticed the messages would come in be read and then be deleted after they were read while messages from other people remained in my account without being deleted. I told him what he things he saw or what he thinks is occurring here isn't what he believes it to be.

 

For the past week, he's been sleeping in another room and really refuses to talk to me. He showers in the guest bathroom and provides cold quick responses to any questions I ask him. Communication with him remains difficult - he's convinced there is more to the story here. For the past week, for someone that doesn't go out much - he's been apparently going out alone to bars for lunch or dinner - I've found receipts where he's gone to a restaurant/bar and been there for an hour or two apparently. Isn't that strange for a married man to go to a bar ALONE? I see this as being far worse than going to lunch with a member of the opposite sex. When I ask him about it, he says to find something else to talk about - and that I don't respect his wishes and that he's going to keep doing it and since I can't ever provide him with specifics he sees no reason to either. He's made reference to going out to lunch with a female coworker - I don't believe he'd do that it's out of his character. I've also noticed over the past week that he's been more focused on his diet and starting to get more physically active. Which is also something out of his character.

 

Anyways, I don't want to sever connections with my former boss as he's been my mentor and has a lot of connections in my profession. Apparently there's no convincing my husband otherwise that it's strictly professional.

 

Thanks for any comments in advance.

Edited March 4, 2018 by steph1980nyc

[BaileyB]

I'm not a man, but I think he has good reason to be suspicious... while, you may not be doing anything inappropriate with your old boss... the trust has been broken in this relationship and it seems, you are still paying the price for past indiscretions.

 

And while I do find it odd that a married man chooses to spend time alone in a bar, I think it speaks to the struggle he is experiencing right now.

 

And while I don't find anything wrong with a married woman spending time with girlfriends, I would say that there is a problem if you are going out to "happy hour" every week with your girlfriends and failing to tell her children and your husband where you will be going out, where you will be, and when you will be back. NONE of my friends do that. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I don't buy the excuse that you "forgot" -- you need to take responsibility for your behavior.

 

I can most certainly understand your husbands behavior and don't find it strange in any way... he doesn't trust you and it sounds like - for good reason.

Edited March 4, 2018 by BaileyB

[steph1980nyc]

I'm not a man, but I think he has good reason to be suspicious... while, you may not be doing anything inappropriate with your old boss... the trust has been broken in this relationship and it seems, you are still paying the price for past indiscretions.

 

And while I do find it odd that a married man chooses to spend time alone in a bar, I think it speaks to the struggle he is experiencing right now.

 

And while I don't find anything wrong with a married woman spending time with girlfriends, I would say that there is a problem if you are going out to "happy hour" every week with your girlfriends and failing to tell her children and your husband where you will be going out, where you will be, and when you will be back. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I don't buy the excuse that you "forgot" -- you need to take responsibility for your behavior.

 

I can most certainly understand your husbands behavior and don't find it strange in any way... he doesn't trust you and it sounds like - for good reason.

 

 

So as a woman, do you see a problem having lunch with a member of the opposite sex? How about if you're husband said it made him uncomfortable but didn't tell you to stop...but you kept doing it regardless? What do you mean about the struggle he's experiencing?

 

I don't understand his actions lately and he's certainly not telling me. Given that he hasn't gone out for months I haven't said much but the places he's going and his actions are making me grow suspicious of him.

[BaileyB]

I would have no problem going for lunch with a member of the opposite sex, and I would have no problem if my boyfriend went for lunch with a coworker and a member of the opposite sex, but I have no reason not to trust my partner.

 

You have given your partner several reasons not to trust you. For that reason, if you value your marriage, I would not be pouring gasoline onto a smoldering fire by engaging in behavior that can be perceived to be very inappropriate.

 

Sorry... just my opinion, but I think you have to take responsibility for your actions. You have to PROVE to your husband that you are capable of acting responsibly and worthy of his trust. You are not doing that right now.

 

As to his struggle... well, I think he's wondering right now if he has misplaced his trust by marrying and building a family with a woman who he can not trust. I think he's questioning you, and your marriage, and life as he knew it. That's a pretty significant internal struggle. The fact that you don't understand how your behavior can be causing him pain... well, that would be concerning to me if I was your husband.

[CommittedToThis]

Hi Steph,

 

You delete messages from your old boss but not from other people? What is your concrete reason for doing this other than "habit"? I delete all my emails after I'm done with whatever they were pertaining to, out of habit and a desire to stay organized and clutter-free.

 

Your behavior seems selective and if you were my woman I'd be asking questions.

 

I told him what he things he saw or what he thinks is occurring here isn't what he believes it to be.

 

I learned the hard way that this is gaslighting; if you were my woman, whether you cheated or not, or whether I suspected you of cheating or not, and you told me this, I'd dump you immediately.

 

Your husband doesn't trust you, you're sketchy about where you are and when you'll be back, you're defensive about your old boss, so your husband is likely going out and getting himself some female attention.

 

I know when I go to a bar alone it's with the intent of engaging a woman.

 

Honestly, in my opinion your husband made a mistake by forgiving you for cheating on him while you were engaged. This could very well be a revenge situation.

 

All of this could have been avoided if you'd had the integrity to not cheat on your fiance.

[Mrin]

Dude here. I'll give you my unvarnished opinion - though you might not like it.

 

1) You have a complete lack of respect for your husband. Almost a disrespect.

2)You cheated on him during your engagement.

3) You seem to prioritize "forgetting to tell when you are going out and where" on your girls nights out over your husband and children's requests. You forget? Christ lady, just write yourself a note to remember.

4) You react to your husband's voiced concerned about the closeness you have with your ex-boss and the lunches with essentially, "that's nice, let me know how that works out for you."

5) You have some sort of ongoing and frequent text chat with said ex-boss where you delete the messages because.... wait for it.... wait for it... habit?! And your husband notices and you think it is strange that he comments on his wife doing this?!

6) If I am reading your OP correctly, it almost sounds like you would choose your ex-boss over your husband. And I think your husband knows it.

 

Your husband is getting ready to leave you. Or have an affair and then leave you. And I don't blame him. I would too.

 

Mrin

[Mrin]

So as a woman, do you see a problem having lunch with a member of the opposite sex? How about if you're husband said it made him uncomfortable but didn't tell you to stop...but you kept doing it regardless? What do you mean about the struggle he's experiencing?

 

I don't understand his actions lately and he's certainly not telling me. Given that he hasn't gone out for months I haven't said much but the places he's going and his actions are making me grow suspicious of him.

 

OP - it isn't about the lunch. Stop focusing on the trees. You're missing the fact that the forest is on fire. This is all about the lack of respect and trustworthiness you show your husband. If you respected him and he had full trust in you then the lunches wouldn't be a problem. Of this I assure you.

[standtall]

From a man here that has been married 22 yrs...I couldn't agree more, and couldn't have said it better than what Mrin did above.

 

He is checking out mentally of your marriage. My question is, are you really surprised? If you want to at least attempt to save your marriage, you need to do a 180 in your behavior towards him....even then, i think it's to late.

 

Based on what you have described in your original post, this divorce is on you.

[steph1980nyc]

Dude here. I'll give you my unvarnished opinion - though you might not like it.

 

1) You have a complete lack of respect for your husband. Almost a disrespect.

2)You cheated on him during your engagement.

3) You seem to prioritize "forgetting to tell when you are going out and where" on your girls nights out over your husband and children's requests. You forget? Christ lady, just write yourself a note to remember.

4) You react to your husband's voiced concerned about the closeness you have with your ex-boss and the lunches with essentially, "that's nice, let me know how that works out for you."

5) You have some sort of ongoing and frequent text chat with said ex-boss where you delete the messages because.... wait for it.... wait for it... habit?! And your husband notices and you think it is strange that he comments on his wife doing this?!

6) If I am reading your OP correctly, it almost sounds like you would choose your ex-boss over your husband. And I think your husband knows it.

 

Your husband is getting ready to leave you. Or have an affair and then leave you. And I don't blame him. I would too.

 

Mrin

 

Thanks for the reply - so you believe something that happened over 7 years ago and something he forgave me for is not intruding on the present? And people say women are vindictive....

 

I think he could be upset or becoming tit-for-tat that I have girls nights/happy hours once a week and he doesn't go out - so maybe he's using this as justification to go out.

 

I obviously can't show him my deleted messages - so I don't see how I can earn his trust while he's not communicating and while he's not being forthcoming about what he's doing.

 

Lastly, my ex boss is married......and if I wanted to do something I would have been able to make my moves prior to my engagement but didn't.

[CommittedToThis]

you believe something that happened over 7 years ago and something he forgave me for is not intruding on the present?

 

You are *currently* treating your husband with disrespect, that's all that matters here.

[BaileyB]

Thanks for the reply - so you believe something that happened over 7 years ago and something he forgave me for is not intruding on the present? And people say women are vindictive....

 

I think he could be upset or becoming tit-for-tat that I have girls nights/happy hours once a week and he doesn't go out - so maybe he's using this as justification to go out.

 

I obviously can't show him my deleted messages - so I don't see how I can earn his trust while he's not communicating and while he's not being forthcoming about what he's doing.

 

Lastly, my ex boss is married......and if I wanted to do something I would have been able to make my moves prior to my engagement but didn't.

 

You really don't get it. If you are serious about saving your marriage and keeping your family together, I would suggest that you stop defending your poor behavior and start apologizing and rebuilding trust with your husband. Your current behavior and your words are absolutely disrespectful toward your husband. I don't think that your husband is having an affair but I do think that he is preparing to leave you...

Edited March 4, 2018 by BaileyB

[Mrin]

Thanks for the reply - so you believe something that happened over 7 years ago and something he forgave me for is not intruding on the present? And people say women are vindictive....

 

No worries. I'm glad you were able to take it. It probably wasn't pleasant to read. I'll address the above and then give you a bit of advice if you want to save your marriage.

 

The Cheating: Here's a way you can look at it. When we meet someone and they've never betrayed our trust or harmed us, our trust knobs can go all the way to what we are capable of trusting. So let's say that's 11 (Spinal Tap reference +1 style point).

 

Then you cheated on him. And he forgave you. But you have to realize that he's no longer capable of trusting you to 11. He's only capable of let's say an 8. And a sensitive 8. If your actions give him reason to lose trust, then he will and quickly. That's not to say that relationships with infidelity are doomed - there are lots of frequent posters on LS that have saved their relationships after cheating. But they also realize that the trust only goes to "8" and that will never change. So think about it that way and now view your actions that you outlined from that perspective and realize that you're giving him every reason to lose trust in you. Especially the way you disrespect him.

 

That being said, here's my advice if you want to save your marriage:

 

1. Take responsibility: You are 100% of the problem. In reality, you're probably not as every marriage is a complex two sided beast. But go ahead, accept that you are 100% of the problem because it is just much easier to change your behavior and expect nothing in return. Speaking of that.

 

2. Expect nothing in return: Do what I say below unconditionally. That's right. No conditions said to him. No conditions said to yourself. Do this because you believe it is the right thing to do. Not to sound all hippie but when you do something without expectations in return you are almost always pleasantly surprised by the results.

 

3. Own your behavior: A declaration is the second most powerful thing in a relationship. Sit your husband down. Tell him you realize you have been disrespecting him. Don't explain why because that's just making excuses. Just own up to the fact that you accept that you have been disrespecting him, appologize for it and declare that you are going to stop doing that.

 

4. Tell him what you are going to do differently: This is up to you but I think you know what you need to do differently. The degree to which you are willing to do it will tell you just how much you value your husband and your marriage over things like your relationship with your ex-boss or some sort of bizarre autonomy of not letting your life partner and family know when and where you're having a GNO.

 

5. And then do it: The most powerful thing in relationships is action. So walk the talk. With every interaction with your husband and others, ask yourself, "is this respectful of my husband?" Listen, acting respectful doesn't mean doing everything he says. Acting respectful means hearing his concerns, not invalidating them and trying to address them in some fashion.

 

Don't expect quick results. You've trained your husband not to trust you. It will take time to earn that trust back and that has 100% to do with your behavior. Any time you find yourself explaining your actions recognize you're just making excuses and the only one who is listening is you.

 

Best of luck!

 

Mrin

[Brieanna]

This is what I am hearing...

Your husband has tried to reach out to have lunches with you.

For whatever reason, it doesn’t work out.

 

The issue I think many are hearing in your post is not so much any singular isolated behavior. It is the tone of the post.

 

You did not express that it was sweet that he is making this attempt to meet you for lunch. You did not express any desire to meet him half way or anything about... “How can I get my husband to see that I also want us to experience greater connection/intimacy.”

 

Instead... you seem to flippantly brush off meeting him for lunch as a not doable thing. I just did not hear any expressions of kindness, caring, or sensitivity towards your husband for this endearing thought he had for the two of you. Instead it almost comes off as you are finding his desires to connect...burdensome or inconvenient.

 

Isn't that strange for a married man to go to a bar ALONE? I see this as being far worse than going to lunch with a member of the opposite sex.

I find this comment odd. Why are you measuring and comparing your behavior to his? Why are you trying to discredit his bother of you going to a bar?

 

I find it hugely inconsiderate and irresponsible for a spouse to “forget” to talk about when they will return home from being out. Of course he has been suspicious ever since this! He has every reason to be! Not to mention the text deletes.

 

It honestly sounds like you want justification to do something shady (if you havent already) and are simply driving him to behaviors that will help you to justify what you already feel badly about but are trying to suppress your feelings of self blame.

 

Why would you not want to behave in a way that is completely transparent to your spouse?!

 

Look, maybe you did nothing “wrong.” Maybe your H is jealous over “nothing.”

The fact is...

There IS now an issue.

Are you going to sit back and blame him?

Or do you care enough to take his feelings into loving consideration and make moves that will bridge this gap you two now have and take responsibility for what you can do to help him feel that you are a loving considerate partner who gives a crap about your marriage and is willing to put some ego aside to help repair this broken moment in the relationship?

 

I guess you have some paths in front of you.

[LovelyRose]

Thanks for the reply - so you believe something that happened over 7 years ago and something he forgave me for is not intruding on the present? And people say women are vindictive....

 

I think he could be upset or becoming tit-for-tat that I have girls nights/happy hours once a week and he doesn't go out - so maybe he's using this as justification to go out.

 

I obviously can't show him my deleted messages - so I don't see how I can earn his trust while he's not communicating and while he's not being forthcoming about what he's doing.

 

Lastly, my ex boss is married......and if I wanted to do something I would have been able to make my moves prior to my engagement but didn't.

 

 

Seriously lady, you don't see anything wrong with your behaviour?

 

Your husband may have truly forgiven you and sincerely want to trust you, but you are making it almost impossible for him.

 

How inconsiderate of you to not inform your family about your whereabouts. Saying you simply "forgot" is not a good reason. It's showing lack of care and respect for them.

 

Why even delete messages you have with your ex-boss?

 

Anyway, the way you are responding to other posters here makes me believe that you are just focused on yourself. It doesn't sound like you care about your poor husband.

 

I know few guys that goes to bars alone just to drink, relax and unwind. Your husband is troubled and bothered and you don't seem to even try and understand him. All you care about is YOU. That's a sure path to divorce.

 

You go out on a weekly basis but dont bother telling your family where you go and what time you'll be coming home. Are you also forgetting you're married with kids? Do you guys have date night!?

 

Please don't brag about if you really want to do any moves, you could have. That doesn't make you look good. That doesnt help the situation at all.

[Simple Logic]

So your husband is giving you all the indications that your marriage is ending and you are worried about your relationship with an previous co-worker.

 

That says it all.

[FMW]

A woman's viewpoint here - I feel sorry for your husband, you're giving him plenty of reasons to distrust you. Read all the responses and take them to heart.

 

Regardless of how important you feel your relationship is with your former boss for career purposes, you need to stop the lunches and any one-on-one alone time with him. Your husband has made it clear what a problem it is for him. He shouldn't have to ask you to stop.

 

Your husband forgave you for cheating years ago, that doesn't mean he forgot it - and he shouldn't. Given that experience you are waving all kinds of red flags at him right now.

 

If you read my first thread entry on LS you'll see I'm not some ultra conservative goody two shoes. You need to take a hard look at your situation or you may lose your husband.

[Mr. Lucky]

Hubby and I have been married 7 years, during the engagement I cheated on him. In time, he forgave and we moved forward.

 

I'd be curious to know the process you went through both individually and as a couple to earn and deserve his forgiveness.

 

Mr. Lucky

[road]

Married women do not need to go to the weekly meat market,

aka bars for happy hours.

 

Those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing. You only

deleting your male friends messages makes you look to be

hiding something. Messages can be recovered. You do not

make the effort to recover them.

 

You make time to meet for lunch with other men but you

can not meet for lunch with your BH.

 

You expect that because your BH forgave your cheating on him

means his to forget that you cheated on him. Not happening.

 

You did nothing to repair the broken trust.

 

Not only do you not tell your BH you are going to hang out at a bar.

You do not consider his feelings, and do not even ask him if it is

ok for you to hang out at a bar. You just go.

 

Sad that you think that you can keep secrets from your BH as being

ok.

 

Your behavior would make any husband that never had a WW before

think that you are cheating on him.

[healing light]

Your husband is getting into shape, going out to bars alone, giving you the cold shoulder. He's preparing to cheat and/or leave you because he assumes you're cheating on him. Again.

 

Telling someone when you're going out and when you'll be back is basic decency. Especially when you have shared responsibilities like children.

 

Regardless of whether you're cheating, you appear to be cheating--late nights out with no indication of when/where you'll be, deleting messages, past experience. Your husband is responding accordingly.

[steph1980nyc]

Your husband is getting into shape, going out to bars alone, giving you the cold shoulder. He's preparing to cheat and/or leave you because he assumes you're cheating on him. Again.

 

Telling someone when you're going out and when you'll be back is basic decency. Especially when you have shared responsibilities like children.

 

Regardless of whether you're cheating, you appear to be cheating--late nights out with no indication of when/where you'll be, deleting messages, past experience. Your husband is responding accordingly.

 

Well it may appear so but it's not happening. I think deep down I knew he'd go nuts about it so that's why I deleted the texts but they were professional. Never occurred to me that notifications would be going to my laptop.

 

So another day down, no real communication. He did tell me that he's going out of state for a few days here on Wednesday but felt no need to tell me where or why. I asked for specifics and all he said was he's taking time for himself.

 

I asked him if we could talk more about the conversation from last week and he said very calmly and sternly - we're done talking about the past, we're not going there. Zero emotion and he's oddly calm about all this.

 

My girl friends are thinking I should hire a PI since he's completely shut down conversation and this surprise trip sounds very suspicious.

[BaileyB]

I would suggest that you hire a marriage counsellor... to try to open some communication if you hope to save your marriage.

 

Not that it may help. It sounds like he is done with this marriage.

Edited March 5, 2018 by BaileyB

[SpecialJ]

Do you want to save your marriage? Then you need to listen to the other posters and stop seeing this as a competition. You're both keeping score at this point, and making it about winning, which means you're both going to lose. You do need a marriage counselor and not a PI.

 

It shouldn't matter if you don't think it's fair that he's shutting down, going out alone, and now taking time to himself without sharing any details with you -- fair or unfair won't stop it from happening. He needs you to reach out, tell him what's going on in your life, tell him that you love him and want to find a way to reconnect because you two clearly stopped communicating some time ago. He thinks you are inconsiderate of him which means he reads your actions as you no longer caring -- and he's hurt and trying to give you a dose of your own medicine. Maybe for revenge, maybe in hopes it will make you understand how it feels to be on his side of things, again, that's not what matters right now.

 

To save this, all that matters is you find a way to express your love and respect to him in a way HE will hear (cheesy as it is, what's his love language? that might be important in communicating right now), and then you go to counseling to work on the communication gap and all the pent up resentment that is clearly there on his side and it sounds like exists on your side as well. Drop your pride here, because you will lose your marriage over it. Good luck.

[Cullenbohannon]

A Mans POV

 

Your husband went silent. He beat you to the PI. He has something on you. This marriage is over.

Edited March 5, 2018 by Cullenbohannon

[Poutrew]

Tell the truth here - are you one of those wives who takes the phone into the bathroom to text? So here is your husband, seeing the notification on the laptop going off, notifying him you are texting your old boss while you are in the loo dumping a deuce... and you delete the text before you leave. If I were your husband, I would have a mistress by now. Now he is going on a trip without you ... I can save you the money hiring a PI. He is coming to terms with his rapidly approaching single hood. Once he became convinced you were banging your boss-buddy, the separation process was already 90% done. The last 10% is just the legal stuff... in my opinion, it is already too late to save the patient.

[S2B]

Well it may appear so but it's not happening. I think deep down I knew he'd go nuts about it so that's why I deleted the texts but they were professional. Never occurred to me that notifications would be going to my laptop.

 

So another day down, no real communication. He did tell me that he's going out of state for a few days here on Wednesday but felt no need to tell me where or why. I asked for specifics and all he said was he's taking time for himself.

 

I asked him if we could talk more about the conversation from last week and he said very calmly and sternly - we're done talking about the past, we're not going there. Zero emotion and he's oddly calm about all this.

 

My girl friends are thinking I should hire a PI since he's completely shut down conversation and this surprise trip sounds very suspicious.

 

Are these the same girlfriends that you go out drinking with?

 

Don't you think enough trouble has come your way by being influenced by these women?

 

Own your behavior. Admit to him that you e given the old boss too much of YOUR time and attention. Stop hiding the communication. Stop going out without your husband.

 

Make the time to see him on your lunch hour! Make your HUSBAND a priority!

 

And I'm sure you could recover ALL those texts if you try... you could get them from your phone provider.

 

OFFER info to you husband if you're really that innocent.

 

You say you're not cheating but it sure looks like you are.

 

It's completely disrespectful to leave your house and not let your family members know who you're with/where you'll be/and whento expect you home!

 

If you plan to act single then maybe you'll find yourself single.

 

You've been rude and disrespectful. Sit your H down and apologize! Then tell him exactly how you plan to change your behavior so that HE has some peace of mind.

 

You haven't been a kind, loving and caring wife/mother - if you want the family together you better learn to apologize and change the way you live.

 

 

Ps - the marriage ended when you started prioritizing the old boss over your husband and he's sick of it. If you plan to be married then act married. Loose the girls nights out!

Edited March 5, 2018 by S2B