Would like to get a Man's POV - Husband Acting Strange

[steph1980nyc]

 

Ps - the marriage ended when you started prioritizing the old boss over your husband and he's sick of it. If you plan to be married then act married. Loose the girls nights out!

 

Lose the girl's night out? Isn't it fairly common for girls to get together for a night out without their spouses? All my married friends do - of course, some of the girls who go are not in relationships.

 

I know the girls night out has been an issue for my husband in the past - he didn't understand why I went to clubs with the girls and I explained some of the girls are not in relationships and they wanted to go there. He was adamant that married women are free to have girls nights out but typically those would be at a female friends house drinking box wine and watching a movie or going to the movies or getting mani/pedis or something...not clubs or bars. Any married women agree/disagree? Yet guys apparently get a pass to go to the bar or hooters to watch the game...my husband always turns that down though.

 

Today wasn't a good day, I got up to start the day and found out my husband apparently showered and left before I even got up. No word, no notes, no nothing. I did notice his wedding band was sitting near the TV - I don't think he placed it there for me to see since clothes were on top of it but still. I don't get what he's up to.

 

You may not believe me but I didn't cheat on him again - he may be convinced of it but he's wrong. Obviously, I have no way to prove it.

Edited March 5, 2018 by steph1980nyc

[Be_Strong]

Well, based on the background you gave, I think you’re cheating, so it makes sense that your husband feels the same way.

[CardsFan01]

It’s pretty clear that he hasn’t been reassured by your response to his concerns. And given the history, I don’t think that’s at all unreasonable. Normally someone who had been caught cheating would go out of their way to make sure their spouse knew that was something they don’t need to worry about. You most certainly aren’t doing that. Yes, lots of married people go out for drinks with friends. But most haven’t been caught cheating, and are much more transparent with their spouse. It sounds to me like your party time and freedom are a bigger priority than your husband’s feelings. In fact I think most people who are actually having affairs show more respect to their spouses than you are.

[CatMinx]

While I do not agree that married women should forgo a social life (my best friend is married with children and we get drinks about once a week too), I do agree that your behavior is very shady and I don’t blame your husband for being suspicious.

 

You are not a good wife. If you want your marriage to survive, you need to go totally clear with your husband. Stop deleting messages. Let him see your phone any time he wants. Let go of the drinks for a while and spend that time with him instead..you can start up again when you’ve repaired your marriage.

 

OR

 

Let your husband go.

[BaileyB]

Yes, lots of married people go out for drinks with friends. But most haven’t been caught cheating, and are much more transparent with their spouse.

 

This is good for you to read again, because it answers your question about girls night perfectly.

 

To use another analogy to help you to understand, a teenager who has earned her parents trust will have much more freedom to stay out with friends than one who has broken curfew and come home with the cops... The teenager who has abused her freedom, made poor choices, and shown a lack of consideration to her parents will find her privildges are revoked and more accountability is required. With all due respect, because you have been unfaithful in the past and you have failed to show the basic consideration of letting your husband know where you are going, with whom you are with, and when you will be home... You have lost the privilege to go to the clubs with your girlfriends or lunch with your ex-boss. Your husband does not trust you and he needs you to communicate and be accountable for your behavior. You have failed to do that. You really are a married woman, who is living like you are single and not accountable to anyone but yourself.

 

He is giving you every indication that he is leaving this marriage. I think the trip is his opportunity to clear his head and make his decision. I would not be surprised if he tells you it's over when he returns. I'm sorry.

[BaileyB]

Is girls night out that much more important than your marriage?

 

Why aren't you willing to change if your husband doesn't like your sneaky behavior?

 

If these things are that important to you and it's ruining your marriage why did you get married?

 

Good questions. I'd be curious to hear the answers...

[anika99]

Lose the girl's night out? Isn't it fairly common for girls to get together for a night out without their spouses? All my married friends do - of course, some of the girls who go are not in relationships.

 

I know the girls night out has been an issue for my husband in the past - he didn't understand why I went to clubs with the girls and I explained some of the girls are not in relationships and they wanted to go there. He was adamant that married women are free to have girls nights out but typically those would be at a female friends house drinking box wine and watching a movie or going to the movies or getting mani/pedis or something...not clubs or bars. Any married women agree/disagree? Yet guys apparently get a pass to go to the bar or hooters to watch the game...my husband always turns that down though.

 

Today wasn't a good day, I got up to start the day and found out my husband apparently showered and left before I even got up. No word, no notes, no nothing. I did notice his wedding band was sitting near the TV - I don't think he placed it there for me to see since clothes were on top of it but still. I don't get what he's up to.

 

You may not believe me but I didn't cheat on him again - he may be convinced of it but he's wrong. Obviously, I have no way to prove it.

 

You're just not getting it. It's not the girls nights out, it's not emails with your ex boss, it's not the occasional lunch with a male coworker. It's all of those things combined, but mainly it your total disregard for your husband's feelings. You act like you are the only person in your marriage and like your thoughts and feelings are the only ones that count.

 

Whenever your husband has tried to reach out to you and communicate his feelings you pretty much tell him that his feelings are wrong and that he just needs to suck it up. At this point your husband may not even think you're cheating he may just be fed up with being treated like an insignificant nobody in his own house. While your past infidelity has given him plenty of reason to distrust you, even if you hadn't cheated your total disregard for your husband is still appalling.

 

Being married is a partnership where both people's wishes and feelings count. If your partner says "If you are going out I would like you to let me know where you're going and when you're coming home" then that is what you do. It's just common decency and basic respect. If your husband tells you he is uncomfortable with girls night out at clubs then talk with him about that. Find out what you can do to reassure him. Maybe only go once a month or when you're out step outside a few times to give him a call or take a hiatus from girls night all together while you attend to your husbands obvious distress. Everytime your husband has tried to express his unhappiness to you, your response has pretty much been "sucks to be you" while you continue doing whatever you want as if you're single and only need to consider yourself.

 

At the moment the best case scenario is that your husband isn't being unfaithful and isn't leaving you, but he's just giving you a taste of your own medicine. He's leaving you to stew in your bad feelings just like you have done to him. However it sounds like it's more serious than that. It seems that he has reached his limit and he is disconnecting from you. He is planning to leave you and I can totally understand why.

[steph1980nyc]

Good questions. I'd be curious to hear the answers...

 

Is girls night out that much more important than your marriage?

 

I try to balance the needs of both - working 40-45 hours a week and coming home to kids and a husband can sometimes be tiring. Sometimes I just need space to decompress. Between the kids, and health issues/surgery I wasn't able to be very social. Now after the surgery, I feel great and want to spend some time with friends. It feels like my husband is simply content to be with his family and be a homebody.

 

Why aren't you willing to change if your husband doesn't like your sneaky behavior?

 

Because it feels controlling. It feels like since he doesn't have much of a social life I'm expected not to have one also. I also thought that the prior cheating issue was fully resolved. Am I expected for him to hang onto that for the rest of our lives?

If these things are that important to you and it's ruining your marriage why did you get married?

 

I was pregnant, he's a good provider (I also work) and a great dad. He's handsome and from a good family and has always been considerate of my feelings. At times I feel he doesn't do things simply because he wouldn't want me doing them (such as going to hooters to watch the game, he won't go unless I'm there).

 

On a side note, I texted him this morning asking how he's doing and no reply. Last night, I asked him via text if he wanted to talk....no reply. The only time I got any real communication from him is when I asked about the plans for the kids this week. No idea what's going on here.

[GorillaTheater]

I doubt that a GNO, standing alone, would be a big problem for your H. It's all of this other apparent shiftiness that's caused him to believe that you're cheating again. He sounds totally disengaged at this point, and short of some Act of God I don't see this marriage lasting much longer.

 

 

Among your reasons for marrying him I can't help but notice that you don't mention that you love him. Do you? Your H apparently doesn't think so.

[Be_Strong]

At times I feel he doesn't do things simply because he wouldn't want me doing them (such as going to hooters to watch the game, he won't go unless I'm there).

 

That’s how married people are supposed to act.

[steph1980nyc]

I doubt that a GNO, standing alone, would be a big problem for your H. It's all of this other apparent shiftiness that's caused him to believe that you're cheating again. He sounds totally disengaged at this point, and short of some Act of God I don't see this marriage lasting much longer.

 

 

Among your reasons for marrying him I can't help but notice that you don't mention that you love him. Do you? Your H apparently doesn't think so.

 

I do love him, but feel its still controlling - that's just my feelings, my reality. In my past, I've had various folks be ultra controlling and I don't handle that well.

 

Why won't he simply reply to my texts, how can I engage with him if he won't communicate? Is it best I just back down and give him all the space he needs?

[GorillaTheater]

Why won't he simply reply to my texts, how can I engage with him if he won't communicate? Is it best I just back down and give him all the space he needs?

 

 

Giving someone space is often the way to go, but I don't think it will necessarily help you out in this case. What may help is an offer to be 100% transparent with him, including access to your phone (and not deleting texts from the former boss) and letting him know where you're at and what you're doing. Or does that seem too controlling?

[CardsFan01]

What was the nature of your previous cheating? Was it a drawn out affair? One night stand? I know you think there should be a statute of limitations on this bothering him, but it doesn’t really work that way. And if I were him, how you cheated previously would matter. If you exhibited similar behavior back then, I’d be much more suspicious about you doing it now.

[BaileyB]

I was definitely starting to wonder if other relationships had been controlling in the past - parents, boyfriends... Because, what others see as basic consideration, you see as controlling behavior.

 

I agree, by withholding the truth from your husband and sneaking around... You are controlling the relationship. Not him. If you were transparent with your husband, you would have to be more vulnerable... And it doesn't sound like you are willing to do this.

 

I too noticed that in your description of why you married your husband, you didn't mention the word love. Do you think he feels this?

Edited March 5, 2018 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

Just wanted to say, because I have to leave for work now...

 

I'm rooting for you Steph. I hope that you consider the advice that has been shared and I hope that you have some kind of epiphany. Put yourself in his position, and imagine that he has done to you what you have done to him? How would you feel? I mean, he hasn't done half of what you have done and you are unhappy and ready to hire a PI.

 

If your marriage and keeping your family together is important to you, I hope your drop your pride and meet your husband at the door tonight with an apology and an invitation to go to marriage counseling. Good luck.

[Whoknew30]

Hello, I have Gone through what you’re going through now. I cheated & later found out my husband did too & we’ve been together since kids.

 

I’m with you, I cant be controlled & if told not to do something will probably run to do it even faster. I’m not like the typical WW on on this board. I still go out with my friends, on vacations with them & feel that no one should pay for a mistake that was supposedly forgiven.

 

If you really aren’t doing anything wrong, just sit down & have a heart to heart with your husband. Come to some agreement that you will no longer delete messages (I do this too by habit). He’s feeling insecure & no one has a clear head when feeling that way.

 

You make him feel a tad bit more secure...things will go back to normal. Good luck!

[CardsFan01]

 

If your marriage and keeping your family together is important to you

 

I hope I’m wrong, but I don’t get the sense that this is the priority here. I think most people in her shoes would be asking what they can do to fix things. In this case, it’s all about what is wrong with him. Maybe I’m reading it wrong, but the absolute lack of understanding, or empathy for his feelings is troubling. I think it’s pretty close to the time you’re going to have to decide between your social life and your marriage/family. You make think that’s unfair, but the reality of the situation is that’s where you are, and at the very least, a portion of it is your own doing. If you aren’t willing to accept some responsibility for that, I’m afraid I don’t see this ending well. For your children’s sake, I really hope I’m wrong.

[BettyDraper]

Dude here. I'll give you my unvarnished opinion - though you might not like it.

 

1) You have a complete lack of respect for your husband. Almost a disrespect.

2)You cheated on him during your engagement.

3) You seem to prioritize "forgetting to tell when you are going out and where" on your girls nights out over your husband and children's requests. You forget? Christ lady, just write yourself a note to remember.

4) You react to your husband's voiced concerned about the closeness you have with your ex-boss and the lunches with essentially, "that's nice, let me know how that works out for you."

5) You have some sort of ongoing and frequent text chat with said ex-boss where you delete the messages because.... wait for it.... wait for it... habit?! And your husband notices and you think it is strange that he comments on his wife doing this?!

6) If I am reading your OP correctly, it almost sounds like you would choose your ex-boss over your husband. And I think your husband knows it.

 

Your husband is getting ready to leave you. Or have an affair and then leave you. And I don't blame him. I would too.

 

Mrin

 

This. The OP lacks respect for her husband and the marriage.

[BettyDraper]

I do love him, but feel its still controlling - that's just my feelings, my reality. In my past, I've had various folks be ultra controlling and I don't handle that well.

 

Why won't he simply reply to my texts, how can I engage with him if he won't communicate? Is it best I just back down and give him all the space he needs?

 

So because you lack the ability to be responsible and considerate, you feel that it's appropriate to behave like a rebellious teenager?

 

You are a married mother. It's time to be mature and consider the effects of your actions on your husband.

[Mrin]

On a side note, I texted him this morning asking how he's doing and no reply. Last night, I asked him via text if he wanted to talk....no reply. The only time I got any real communication from him is when I asked about the plans for the kids this week. No idea what's going on here.

 

You husband is getting ready to leave the marriage. You're keeping score. You're focusing on the trees. The damn forest is on fire. I know you see your texts of "wanna chat?" and "how you doing?" as outreach. It isn't. If you want to save your marriage you call or confront your husband and say you want to sit down and have a real conversation. Just tell him.

 

As for what you say to him I've already given my opinion. But just want to reassert that if you try to explain any of these things you will just sabotage yourself. He may ask you to explain and that okay. But for God's sake stop trying to justify or defend yourself. I want you to recognize that the absence of justifying yourself is NOT an admission of wrongdoing. You are just choosing not to focus on that and rather focus on what matters - respecting him and his feelings.

 

I have to tell you OP - based on the attitudes expressed in your posts I don't have any real optimism that you will be able to pull this off. You have zero empathy or acceptance of responsibility for your actions. Nor do you show any real skin in the game to try to save your marriage.

 

Alternatively, you can just sit down with him and discuss the particulars and timeline for your impending divorce.

[kgcolonel]

So as a woman, do you see a problem having lunch with a member of the opposite sex? How about if you're husband said it made him uncomfortable but didn't tell you to stop...but you kept doing it regardless? What do you mean about the struggle he's experiencing?

I don't understand his actions lately and he's certainly not telling me. Given that he hasn't gone out for months I haven't said much but the places he's going and his actions are making me grow suspicious of him.

 

Coming from a male, married 35 years successfully, not always blissfully but faithful on both sides there are several things that occur to me:

 

1. Infedility, the gift that will give forever to some extent.

2. Why should a husband have to tell you not to do something that you've been told makes him uncomfortable....don't you get it, he wants you to set boundaries that are friendly to the M, not make him the bad guy and mandate to you what you can and can't do. This speaks volumes to him and to me where you value your priorities...you're putting the relationship with your ex-boss ahead of the comfort of your husband, which by the way, you created by cheating on him in the past. It is the job of each spouse to make each other feel safe in the relationship.

3 You have established your trustworthiness by cheating. Yes, he may have forgiven you but I don't believe that anyone can go on like it never happened.

4. Really, forgetting to inform your husband and children of your whereabouts and ETA to return....I would call BS on that.

5. Finally, I see his actions as having given up trying to discuss this with you and attempting to let you know how you are making him feel. Plus the sleeping and bathing arrangements say it all.....he is losing his connection with you and doesn't want to be close to you....if you don't change course, you'll be free to pursue any relationship with someone else however you'll be limited to the days that he has the kids....please rethink your entitled approach.

[Maraud3r]

I do love him, but feel its still controlling - that's just my feelings, my reality. In my past, I've had various folks be ultra controlling and I don't handle that well.

Frankly speaking, you're a hypocrite a tremendous one. You say you don't handle "controlling" well, yet others summed up why the leeway and freedoms you take for yourself would be far reaching in most normal relationships but give more than enough reason for his behaviour giving the past you two have.

 

You are so willing to indulge yourself, to engage in a whole host of rather questionable actions all of whom draw an extremely unfavourable picture of you as a person. You are at no point willing to compromise or put in the leg work one would expect from a past cheater.

 

Yet here you are doubting your husband. Being untrusting of him and his motives. Wanting to hire a goddamn private investigator to chase after him and dig up dirt. Wanting to control and dominate him. Even as what he does isn't a fraction of what you're up to. But hey, the friends who go out guy chasing and who likely were around when you had your affair said this is reasonable.

 

People have pointed this out to you several times over and your only reaction is to make up excuses, justify your own behaviour or ignore it and then try to shift blame and bring up minor issues with other people (your husband) to be upset about.

[road]

 

Because it feels controlling. It feels like since he doesn't have much of a social life I'm expected not to have one also. I also thought that the prior cheating issue was fully resolved. Am I expected for him to hang onto that for the rest of our lives?

 

Controlling is what WW's always say when their BH pulls in the

reins because they can not be free to run amok.

 

You confuse you having a social life alone is to take precedence

of you and your BH having a social life together.

 

You cheated on him while you were engaged.

 

You do not consider yourself lucky that her forgave you and

he married you after you cheated on him.

 

You confuse your BH forgiving you means that he must

forget your cheating on him. BH's can forgive though they will

never forget.

 

You will not admit that your behavior raises all kinds of warnings

that you are acting as a wife cheating on her BH.

 

Do you realize that as a WW, that if you make it to your 50th

anniversary your BH will always trigger an worry that is she

stepping out on me again?

 

Do you realize that as a WW that it will be your job to make

your BH feel secure in his marriage. That means way more effort

compared to a wife that never cheated on her BH?

[road]

Hello, I have Gone through what you’re going through now. I cheated & later found out my husband did too & we’ve been together since kids.

 

I’m with you, I cant be controlled & if told not to do something will probably run to do it even faster. I’m not like the typical WW on on this board. I still go out with my friends, on vacations with them & feel that no one should pay for a mistake that was supposedly forgiven.

 

If you really aren’t doing anything wrong, just sit down & have a heart to heart with your husband. Come to some agreement that you will no longer delete messages (I do this too by habit). He’s feeling insecure & no one has a clear head when feeling that way.

 

You make him feel a tad bit more secure...things will go back to normal. Good luck!

 

Back too normal as in the OP being able to come and go as she

pleases?

 

Not after 10 years of disrespectful towards her BH after her

forgave her for her cheating on him.

 

That train has left the station, went around the bend, and as

the train crossed the gorge it crashed 500' to the bottom

because the WW blew the trestle along time ago.

[road]

I do love him, but feel its still controlling - that's just my feelings, my reality. In my past, I've had various folks be ultra controlling and I don't handle that well.

 

Why won't he simply reply to my texts, how can I engage with him if he won't communicate? Is it best I just back down and give him all the space he needs?

 

Why?

 

He repeatedly communicated how he felt that your behavior as a

wife was inappropriate and hurt him. You told him, essentially,

to suck it and you keep doing what you wanted.

 

What is there more for your BH to say now?