Would like to get a Man's POV - Husband Acting Strange

[Cullenbohannon]

Happy hour. She works

[steph1980nyc]

Do you work OP?

 

Yes, I work full time - usually much more than the 40 hours as does my husband. Why?

 

I cannot get him to text me at all - I really want to talk to him before his trip and I get the sneaking suspicion he will be already out of the house tomorrow before I get up. I think he's trying to avoid me entirely.

 

My father is who lives a few hours away is driving in tonight and I hope they can discuss things and if not, he can at least help guide me. I've tried not to air anything to my father but he can tell something is going on. I haven't told my husband as I'm not sure how this will work...he's occupying the guest room currently and I'd like my father to stay over. Maybe my husband will move back to the marital bed - I don't know. If not, I'm obviously not going to kick him out of the guest room.

 

He knows that I'm close to my dad (my mother was not involved much in my life) so i don't think it would surprise him too much that he's here.

[CardsFan01]

I don’t see your father showing up to intervene helping. My guess is it will make it even worse.

[kgcolonel]

Just a quick question...why do you not acknowledge and or address any of the comments made by those you asked for POV? Are you searching for someone who will endorse your activities?

[steph1980nyc]

Just a quick question...why do you not acknowledge and or address any of the comments made by those you asked for POV? Are you searching for someone who will endorse your activities?

 

Fair question - I've liked a few comments on here and responded to several questions. I appreciate all the feedback, some of which is productive and even those that have hurtful comments - I value them all.

 

So I believe (to your question) I have acknowledged several comments. I'm not looking for endorsement.

[BaileyB]

Hello, I have Gone through what you’re going through now. I cheated & later found out my husband did too & we’ve been together since kids.

 

I’m with you, I cant be controlled & if told not to do something will probably run to do it even faster. I’m not like the typical WW on on this board. I still go out with my friends, on vacations with them & feel that no one should pay for a mistake that was supposedly forgiven.

 

If you really aren’t doing anything wrong, just sit down & have a heart to heart with your husband. Come to some agreement that you will no longer delete messages (I do this too by habit). He’s feeling insecure & no one has a clear head when feeling that way.

 

You make him feel a tad bit more secure...things will go back to normal. Good luck!

 

Respectfully, I've gone back to check and the one comment that you liked was the one comment that basically told you that you had done nothing wrong.

 

My question is, do you plan to be honest with your father and tell him about your past infidelity, your lunch dates with your ex boss, and the lack of consideration you have shown toward your family with regard to the girls nights? Or, do you plan to blame your marriage problems on your husband...

 

If you are honest, what is your dad going to say? Do you think he would agree that you have done all you can to be a good and loving partner to your husband? What do you think he will suggest to fix it?

[springy]

Being cheated on is something you never forget. Forgive, sure but forget ...never. You seem unable to put yourself in his shoes. Your behavior is so cleary trigger inducing. Many are telling you this, but you cannot or will not see. Old, unresolved issues tell you he is being controlling. You are on the verge of losing a good man. But you must have it your way.

 

Hard as one may try...they can never forget. It follows you, you fight internally not to carry that suspicion into the next relationship. Yes - years later.

 

Adjust your behavior and attitude or say goodbye to your marriage. I suppose then you can have all the gno and ex boss lunches you desire. No more controlling husband asking you out to lunch or thinking of you before going off to hooters. Good looking, a good father and provider too? You are about to be in a world of hurt. There are lots of women looking for that man. They will take him up on a lunch offer in a heartbeat. You can have your ex boss and connections.

 

How free it must feel to be the betrayer, the one who just moves on and expects the betrayed to fall in line.

[BluesPower]

So as a woman, do you see a problem having lunch with a member of the opposite sex? How about if you're husband said it made him uncomfortable but didn't tell you to stop...but you kept doing it regardless? What do you mean about the struggle he's experiencing?

 

I don't understand his actions lately and he's certainly not telling me. Given that he hasn't gone out for months I haven't said much but the places he's going and his actions are making me grow suspicious of him.

 

You OP are simply clueless as a wife, who previously cheated...

 

First off, Baily is being super nice. You have zero consideration for your husband.

 

He is obviously a weak man, since he took you back. You would not be my wife to start with, and you sure would not be my wife now.

 

Since he was weak, and did not dump you. You had no reason to do anything but sweep it under the rug. Neither of you did the work to recover your relationship, and you sure did not.

 

Truth be told, you don't really have love or respect for him, based on your callous behavior.

 

But I have news for you, he is getting ready to divorce you, and it is coming fairly soon.

 

Of course he does not trust you, why would he?

 

I am sure that your "made a mistake" when you cheated before. And like a lot of stupid young guys he "Forgave you"... how sweet.

 

Are you really going to tell us you have not slept around on your husband since you have been married? Frankly, I don't believe it.

 

I assure you your husband does not believe you have not been sleeping around on you.

 

I really cannot believe that someone can actually be a clueless are you are and have been...

[Bufo]

Have you read the all too many threads here from men who suspect a cheating wife and then discover their fear is now their reality? Lunch dates, missing in action scenarios, deleted texts, gno with women on the prowl ...... all signs of an ongoing affair. Why should your husband not suspect an affair? Because you tell him it’s not an affair? That didn’t work real well for him the last time an A entered his life uninvited, did it?

 

Maybe he found an AP for a revenge affair. Maybe he is just looking. Seeking space is one of the chapters in The Cheaters Handbook. Is this his first solo trip to places unknown? Or as others have said D is soon to enter your life. Be prepared for either possibility. Or communicate with him as others have suggested here if you want to try to avoid divorce.

 

Or maybe he has figured out that you two are not compatible after 7 years of marriage.

[CatMinx]

I do love him, but feel its still controlling - that's just my feelings, my reality. In my past, I've had various folks be ultra controlling and I don't handle that well.

 

Why won't he simply reply to my texts, how can I engage with him if he won't communicate? Is it best I just back down and give him all the space he needs?

 

So him getting upset at your suspicious behavior because you’ve cheated on him before is controlling but you being upset that he’s not responding to your texts on your time table isn’t?

[BluesPower]

So him getting upset at your suspicious behavior because you’ve cheated on him before is controlling but you being upset that he’s not responding to your texts on your time table isn’t?

 

Touché Cat...

 

I am not sure OP will actually have the gumption to answer any of our questions.

 

But I will ask LS... Is it possible that a woman could actually be this clueless, or a man for that matter?

[steph1980nyc]

Did you make effort to see him before he left today?

 

Yes, but believe it or not - he left even earlier than I was expecting. I got up an hour before his normal routine. He apparently left sometime before then - I'm not entirely convinced he stayed the entire night even at the house. Last night I heard him in the garage working out and knocked on the door saying we need to talk and he tells me go away and don't talk to me.

 

Before anyone says I wasn't listening or trying to meet with him this morning - We have a 3 story home and no alarm that would beep when he's opening the door. I sincerely tried to speak with him but was gone when I got up an hour before his normal routine.

 

I sent him a text last night asking if it's really over - he didn't reply. I sent him a text today asking what I could do - no reply. My father is almost in town and I hope he'll be able to talk to him or get him to open up.

 

At some point he will have to see me and we'll need to act like adults and discuss this - I don't know what he seeks to gain by avoiding me. It seems childish but i'm not a guy so I don't know what enters their head. I've read up on the forums about emotional unavailablity - maybe thats it?

Edited March 6, 2018 by steph1980nyc

[GorillaTheater]

Lord have mercy. Childish? You just can't own any part of this, can you. No wonder he doesn't want to talk to you. What would be the point?

 

 

And no, technically he never has to talk to you again, ever. No kids as far as I can see, so the divorce should be pretty doable through the lawyers.

[Mrin]

OP - I'm not going to chastise you any more but rather just offer this piece of advice.

 

He's checked out completely. The only thing that will save your marriage is an "unreasonable act". You see, you have been reaching out to him in a reasonable manner. I get that. And he's not having any part of it. The only thing left for you to do is act unreasonably. If you really care about saving your marriage you should do what I suggest below. I caution you, you will make yourself 100% vulnerable and you will need to be incredibly strong to pull it off.

 

When he comes back or when you see him next, you need to show 100% humility. Don't ask if he wants to talk. Just go right up to him, get on your knees and apologize to him. Tell him how sorry you are for disrespecting him. Tell him how sorry you are for making him feel this way. Tell him how sorry you are for your actions. Tell him you want him to know this. Tell him you are willing to do whatever it takes to regain his trust. He can ask you anything and you'll tell him the truth. He can read your texts. Have access to your phone and computer. Volunteer to take a polygraph. Volunteer to turn on GPS tracking on your phone. Whatever it takes. Make no excuses. Give no explanations. Completely open yourself up and be 100% vulnerable with your husband. If you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear.

 

Caution - he may reject this all. He may say, "sorry counselor, day late and a dollar short". And it will hurt like Hell. You are a proud woman. Being rejected like this would probably be one of the most humiliating experiences of your life. But, here's the secret, if he does reject you and opts for divorce, years from now you can look back and know that you tried your best at the final moment. That will count for something. A lot. I assure you.

 

Or, he might be moved by your humility and you guys can start to rebuild the trust and respect that has been so lacking in your relationship.

 

One more word of advice - control is a big thing for you. You have control issues both being controlled and being in control. Let me suggest that if you think about this act of humility, this act of contrition, you recognize that it is not an act of surrendering control, but rather of regaining it. And regaining it in a way that matters. That works for you. Works for your husband. Is nurturing to your marriage. Because this control thing you have going on right now - that's not control. It is just score keeping. That's really just a path to the lack of control that you're feeling right now as I type this to you.

 

What will it be OP?

 

Best of luck!

 

Mrin

[BluesPower]

Yes, but believe it or not - he left even earlier than I was expecting. I got up an hour before his normal routine. He apparently left sometime before then - I'm not entirely convinced he stayed the entire night even at the house. Last night I heard him in the garage working out and knocked on the door saying we need to talk and he tells me go away and don't talk to me.

 

Before anyone says I wasn't listening or trying to meet with him this morning - We have a 3 story home and no alarm that would beep when he's opening the door. I sincerely tried to speak with him but was gone when I got up an hour before his normal routine.

 

I sent him a text last night asking if it's really over - he didn't reply. I sent him a text today asking what I could do - no reply. My father is almost in town and I hope he'll be able to talk to him or get him to open up.

 

At some point he will have to see me and we'll need to act like adults and discuss this - I don't know what he seeks to gain by avoiding me. It seems childish but i'm not a guy so I don't know what enters their head. I've read up on the forums about emotional unavailablity - maybe thats it?

 

OMG, have you read any of the responses in this thread???

 

Do you own nothing about your behavior, nothing at all.

 

I am just at a loss....

[BarbedFenceRider]

Steph....Welcome to the 180. You just got served. Your non empathetic tone and narcissism showed your BH what you truly are. And he doesn't want it. He is working on himself, and making himself better.

 

He will act like an adult and probably get great advice from his lawyer.

[BarbedFenceRider]

Yes, I work full time - usually much more than the 40 hours as does my husband. Why?

 

I cannot get him to text me at all - I really want to talk to him before his trip and I get the sneaking suspicion he will be already out of the house tomorrow before I get up. I think he's trying to avoid me entirely.

 

My father is who lives a few hours away is driving in tonight and I hope they can discuss things and if not, he can at least help guide me. I've tried not to air anything to my father but he can tell something is going on. I haven't told my husband as I'm not sure how this will work...he's occupying the guest room currently and I'd like my father to stay over. Maybe my husband will move back to the marital bed - I don't know. If not, I'm obviously not going to kick him out of the guest room.

 

He knows that I'm close to my dad (my mother was not involved much in my life) so i don't think it would surprise him too much that he's here.

 

^^^This speaks volumes. You are probably just like your mom. It would be enlightening to see you talk to a counselor. And your dad needs to be told the truth. Maybe he would like to talk about why you didn't have a mother????

[CardsFan01]

This is all great but means NOTHING if she doesn't admit what she's been doing that's been wrong with the relationship ANd maps out exactly how she intends to participate on a whole different level.

 

He's sick of her behavior... that is clear. If he thinks for a hot minute that she's just giving lip service - it will change nothing.

 

And there is the problem. I don’t think she is capable of recognizing she is the problem, and that she caused this mess, not him. I haven’t seen one instance in this thread where she has accepted any responsibility for this. It’s all about what she can do to make him change. And now she’s diagnosing him with emotional unavailability? I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a bigger case of self unawareness. I normally try to see both sides in these things, but it’s just not possible here. I feel sorry for the poor guy.

[Maraud3r]

childish

I have to disagree here. Marrying you after what you did was naive and childish. Putting up with your behaviour for years was childish and naive. Likely hoping that you'd change, that you'd see reason, that maybe just maybe you would come to love and respect him and put your relationship first rather than last was childish and naive.

 

Getting out of an extremely one sided relationship with someone who obviously does not respect, value or care about him beyond how he can be useful to him while trying to better himself is actually a sign of him finally growing up and growing a spine.

 

I'd like to say I feel sorry for you and wish you the best but given you have shown zero self reflection, blamed all the problems squarely on your husband, called him controlling while considering to hire a PI because he isn't responding to your messages in a timely manner and all the other things I can't in good conscience say so. Because I am really not. Maybe this will help you grow but I seriously doubt it.

[Maddieandtae]

LoSteph nobody on a forum knows the real you or your husband, you owe absolutely nothing to anyone here. You do owe your marriage honesty though and some of your actions appear to have pushed your husband to a breaking point. There isn't anything you can do until your husband choses to talk with you. In the meantime get a support system in place that is unbiased and able to.help you with your own issues so that you are prepared for whatever your husband brings to the table when he returns.

[anika99]

Yes, but believe it or not - he left even earlier than I was expecting. I got up an hour before his normal routine. He apparently left sometime before then - I'm not entirely convinced he stayed the entire night even at the house. Last night I heard him in the garage working out and knocked on the door saying we need to talk and he tells me go away and don't talk to me.

 

Before anyone says I wasn't listening or trying to meet with him this morning - We have a 3 story home and no alarm that would beep when he's opening the door. I sincerely tried to speak with him but was gone when I got up an hour before his normal routine.

 

I sent him a text last night asking if it's really over - he didn't reply. I sent him a text today asking what I could do - no reply. My father is almost in town and I hope he'll be able to talk to him or get him to open up.

 

At some point he will have to see me and we'll need to act like adults and discuss this - I don't know what he seeks to gain by avoiding me. It seems childish but i'm not a guy so I don't know what enters their head. I've read up on the forums about emotional unavailablity - maybe thats it?

 

You think it's childish that he's avoiding you and not discussing this but what could he possibly gain by talking to you? He's tried having discussions with you. Many times by the sounds of it, and what has that ever accomplished from his point of view? You shut him down and ignore all of his feelings and requests. He's fed up with having pointless discussions.

 

What is childish here is running to your daddy and having him fight your battles. If your marriage is of any importance to you then YOU stand and fight for it like a grown woman. This is between you and your husband. Don't go crying to your dad and asking him to fix it for you. Take responsibility for your errors, be a big enough person to admit you have made mistakes. Do you even understand that you have made mistakes? I get the feeling that you are simply unable to admit fault or make compromises. I imagine this is why your husband doesn't see any point in having another discussion with you.

 

Interesting that one of the reasons you listed for marrying your husband is that he is always considerate of your feelings yet you feel put upon when he wants you to reciprocate that consideration.

[Foxy Knoxy]

How about if you're husband said it made him uncomfortable but didn't tell you to stop...but you kept doing it regardless?

.

 

Him telling you he's uncomfortable IS him telling you to stop or at the least empathize with him more. You broke his trust. Even 7 years cannot fully restore that.

 

Why would you continue doing something that makes him uncomfortable?

 

Why would you not make communicating with your husband and kids a priority?

 

Why would you refuse to give up eating alone with your colleague in order to help build your husband's trust back? Is your marriage not worth it?

[Foxy Knoxy]

Yes, I work full time - usually much more than the 40 hours as does my husband. Why?

 

I cannot get him to text me at all - I really want to talk to him before his trip and I get the sneaking suspicion he will be already out of the house tomorrow before I get up. I think he's trying to avoid me entirely.

 

My father is who lives a few hours away is driving in tonight and I hope they can discuss things and if not, he can at least help guide me. I've tried not to air anything to my father but he can tell something is going on. I haven't told my husband as I'm not sure how this will work...he's occupying the guest room currently and I'd like my father to stay over. Maybe my husband will move back to the marital bed - I don't know. If not, I'm obviously not going to kick him out of the guest room.

 

He knows that I'm close to my dad (my mother was not involved much in my life) so i don't think it would surprise him too much that he's here.

 

Sweetie, you didn't communicate that your dad is coming

 

You hope his sleeping over will drive your husband back to your bed

 

Absolutely no respect - and manipulative.

 

This won't end well. He is already checked out. Your father will be a dynamite in the situation.

 

I feel sorry for your husband. He can do better and it sounds like he's got one foot out the door ready to prove that.

[camillalev]

1. There's absolutely nothing wrong with getting lunch or keeping in touch with an old mentor. Networking is key in almost any industry and cutting them off would unwise.

 

2. You forget to tell your husband and children when you'll be out?? The hell? You're an adult. Respect your partner and your children and get your act together. Is this how you act in the workplace?

 

3. I dont know if I could forgive cheating, but he did and decided to move forward with you. You cheated on him once 7 years ago. Cheating is difficult to move on from but 7 years is a long time, enough time to do the work of rebuilding trust in the relationship and internal wounds(as well as you can). However, your behavior is made that difficult for him. Like-

 

4. Youre deleting messages with your old boss.This to me is a huge red flag. If I found out my partner was doing this I would be extremely suspicious. This sounds very fishy.

 

5. Your husband is distancing himself and it sounds like you did nothing but observe this happening.

 

It doesnt sound like youre respecting your husbands feelings and that is causing the relationship to break down. You need to take action and do something about it and change some of your behaviors if you value your relationship.

Edited March 7, 2018 by camillalev

[BaileyB]

Interesting that one of the reasons you listed for marrying your husband is that he is always considerate of your feelings yet you feel put upon when he wants you to reciprocate that consideration.

 

Absolutely. And further, the exact thing that you want from your husband now, is exactly what he needed when you went out partying with the girls or out to lunch with your former boss - consideration, communication, and respect.

 

I'm actually glad your dad is there. I think YOU will need the support. I think you should prepare for the worst.