Would like to get a Man's POV - Husband Acting Strange

[BluesPower]

So I ended up going to the session, was about 15 min late but went regardless.

 

His conversation was essentially that:

 

1. He's focused on bettering his health and the kids - that he would like me to be a part of the journey

2. He reaffirmed he would take a polygraph to get me off his case about how far he went with the bar fly.

3. He expects me to do take one and answer questions about the affair years ago and recent events.

4. With our without me, he's going to continue the sessions and working to move forward. He's tired of living like a guest in his own home and if I don't want to be near him, I can move into the guest room. - This one is causing me problems. I'm convinced he wants to get back into the marital bed soley for intimacy.

5. He stated that if we're still legally married (which we are) that we should be wearing our rings. I told him we'll see based on what happens in the future. He didn't seem to appreciate that and handed me his ring and said well then...when you're ready.

 

I've agreed to do the polygraph - my only concern is that while I have been honest about the lunches....there are parts of the affair I left our many years ago as I didn't want to hurt him - and I don't think its wise to put all that on the table when things are hanging on by a thread.

 

In my earlier post I don't think I was clear - I should trust him in what he says as he is usually quite candid and honest with me. I understand why he doesn't feel the same about me. I still question how far he went with this woman but it'll all come out sooner or later. Given his confidence and insistence on taking a poly, I assume he has nothing to hide.

 

I am sure that he has questions about a lot of things...

 

I have a question, do you understand that married people in love actually have sex more than 4 times a year?

 

Do you understand that your issues with sex WILL for sure end your marriage.

 

As weak as your husband is, do you understand that even he will not stand for your anti sex, anti anything else to get him off, lack of respect attitude will leave you alone. And other men will not date a woman your age who does not like sex.

 

Because I don't think he is going to stand for things like they are for very long.

 

Oh, and what did you leave out about your affair? I really want to hear that...

[JDJ]

So I ended up going to the session, was about 15 min late but went regardless.

 

4. With our without me, he's going to continue the sessions and working to move forward. He's tired of living like a guest in his own home and if I don't want to be near him, I can move into the guest room. - This one is causing me problems. I'm convinced he wants to get back into the marital bed soley for intimacy.

 

Translation: I do not want sex with my husband

 

5. He stated that if we're still legally married (which we are) that we should be wearing our rings. I told him we'll see based on what happens in the future. He didn't seem to appreciate that and handed me his ring and said well then...when you're ready.

 

Translation: I do not want to be married

 

I've agreed to do the polygraph - my only concern is that while I have been honest about the lunches....there are parts of the affair I left our many years ago as I didn't want to hurt him - and I don't think its wise to put all that on the table when things are hanging on by a thread.

 

Translation: I have been lying to him all along

 

 

The only way out of this is divorce. Poor guy to have it drawn out for so long.

[CatMinx]

You two seem to have completely incompatible sex drives and this will undoubtedly drive you apart, if not now then soon. Have you considered an open marriage?

[BettyDraper]

Steph, the bottom line is if you are unwilling to meet your husband's reasonable expectations then you are better off apart. Refusing to wear your wedding ring and attend counseling is petty and immature. It doesn't seem like you're interested in fixing the marriage or else you wouldn't be reluctant to take certain steps.

 

You seem annoyed that your husband wants to be intimate with you when that is a normal part of marriage. I understand the difficulties of vaginismus but that can be treated.

 

I don't think I've ever seen a spouse who is fixated on spiteful rebellion. When I read your posts, all I can think of is a child screaming "YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!" Don't you think it's time to be more mature and reasonable?

[BaileyB]

I've agreed to do the polygraph - my only concern is that while I have been honest about the lunches....there are parts of the affair I left our many years ago as I didn't want to hurt him - and I don't think its wise to put all that on the table when things are hanging on by a thread.

 

Well then, you become completely honest and transparent with him. Before the polygraph, sit down with your husband and tell him exactly what you have said here. Tell him that you want to be honest and you don't want him to be surprised by anything that is said during the polygraph. It's really the only thing you can do...

 

I'm glad you went to marriage counselling today. It remains to be seen if this marriage will survive, but you need to give it everything you have to know that even if you decide to separate, you have done your best to keep your family together.

[salparadise]

...and I wanted him to see that and that I'm also distancing myself and that I'm a catch, he's going to lose me if this keeps up and there's no effort to fix it.

 

We haven't been intimate in over 3 months - we usually were at least once every 2 or 3 months.

 

Several people have tried to get you to see the other perspective and your responses indicate that because you don't see anything wrong with this that you have no reason to stop....you completely disregard how it makes your H feel in the M.

 

-the affair

-not coming home after work, and not informing anyone

-refusing to say where you were or who you're with or discuss it generally

-frequent lunch dates with another man, the ex-boss

-suspicious texting (and deleting) with the guy you're having lunch dates with

-leaving H to be solely responsible for home and family

-refusing sex or anything resembling normal marital relations

 

 

After 18 pages of posts, the what has been thoroughly established... but what intrigues me is the WHY!

 

WHY do you think that you should be able to treat your husband and family like this without suffering consequences? Surely you aren't intellectually challenged, but there definitely seems to be a piece missing.

 

Even when you say you get it, you don't. You're aghast that he's trying to preserve a bit of dignity by informing you that he's done and going to a bar to engaging in some social activity... and you somehow rationalize that it should be okay for you but not for him.

 

So what's the missing piece here? Do you feel entitlement, do you have no ability to empathize, do you not comprehend a+b=c type cause and effect scenarios?

 

When you look at this in the context of Kholberg's stages of moral/ethical development, it doesn't even rise to the level of stage one (infancy), which is conformity to avoid punishment or consequences. Because there is no conformity. It's as if you are an exception to all motivations for doing the right thing, and this has been ongoing, not a one off type of thing.

 

Are you introspective enough to have figured out how it works?

[Dutchman1]

So I ended up going to the session, was about 15 min late but went regardless.

 

His conversation was essentially that:

 

1. He's focused on bettering his health and the kids - that he would like me to be a part of the journey

2. He reaffirmed he would take a polygraph to get me off his case about how far he went with the bar fly.

3. He expects me to do take one and answer questions about the affair years ago and recent events.

4. With our without me, he's going to continue the sessions and working to move forward. He's tired of living like a guest in his own home and if I don't want to be near him, I can move into the guest room. - This one is causing me problems. I'm convinced he wants to get back into the marital bed soley for intimacy.

5. He stated that if we're still legally married (which we are) that we should be wearing our rings. I told him we'll see based on what happens in the future. He didn't seem to appreciate that and handed me his ring and said well then...when you're ready.

 

 

In my earlier post I don't think I was clear - I should trust him in what he says as he is usually quite candid and honest with me. I understand why he doesn't feel the same about me. I still question how far he went with this woman but it'll all come out sooner or later. Given his confidence and insistence on taking a poly, I assume he has nothing to hide.

 

1. Your husband is getting ready to build a life without you, but still and again giving you a chance.

2. Your husband wants to give an example that there can be honesty in a marriage.

3. In this you are getting the ridiculous amount of 1000 chances you own up and be honest.

4. If you don't have feelings for your husband anymore, you should set him free, because this is unhealthy, and there are hundreds of things you could share without an overload of piv. Have you ever sat together and talked how to improve your sexlife?

5. Here was another chance for you, and because of your selfishness and feeling of entitlement you blew it again.

 

I've agreed to do the polygraph - my only concern is that while I have been honest about the lunches....there are parts of the affair I left our many years ago as I didn't want to hurt him - and I don't think its wise to put all that on the table when things are hanging on by a thread.

 

What was soo diffrent in your A ? Did you only do oral because of your problem, or you decide on only anal, which you haven.t done with your husband? What could be so terrible to still have to lie? threesomes, gangbangs? Video's? BDSM ?

 

Steph, with all respect, time to own up, it's the only and probably the last chance you will get.

 

Take care, string comes off, big girl panty's on.

 

Dutchman1

[georgia girl]

Steph,

 

I am glad you went to counseling but I think your tactic of trying to take back control over your husband backfired. He’s not buying it anymore. The stunt with the rings was childish and he saw through it. Additionally, after posting that you invited your dad to come and stay so that the guest room would be occupied and he’d have to move back in, when he declares he’s moving back in you balk. This is after you acknowledge that you trust him in regards to his answer about the bar night. You just don’t really want to have a physically intimate relationship with your husband.

 

To be honest, I think you are angry about the bar night because it represents that there could be a life for your husband after you, not because of what happened. You express none of the deep hurt that most spouses who found out their partner has cheated express. Plus, in one post, you talk about how you are a catch and he let himself go and now you are worried that he is getting back in shape.

 

Finally, it’s just me, but I don’t buy that the lunches/texts with the ex-boss were not an affair. If not a physical affair, an emotional one. One doesn’t invest that much energy into a business contact.

 

I think we would all urge you to come clean completely - about the past affair, the current whatever-it-is and about your true feelings for your husband. It’s the only shot you have at actually saving your marriage. I suspect you have been living on lies for so long now, though, that starting to tell the truth is particularly scary because you believe your husband doesn’t know the depth of your lies (perhaps those GNOs weren’t always GNOs) and that he would be completely done. So, you are willing to gamble that some partial truths and strategic acts of control are your best bets. But let me ask you this... how bad can the truth really be? He hasn’t said it but I genuinely suspect that he knows most of it. He is waiting to see if you care enough about him and your kids to actually be honest about it.

 

I wish you luck but mostly, I can’t help but think of your kids. Your husband married you and if he wanted to be your doormat, that was his call. But when kids came into the picture, both of you failed to step up. You failed to be a wife and mother in a way they needed; he failed to hold you accountable for not being the Mom his kids needed. Now, he is standing up and I respect him for that. If you don’t want to be honest, just divorce. Your kids deserve better.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Stephen, what Georgia Girl said is spot on. You have a lot to think about. You are still evading the issue and hoping that things settle down without you're having to give an inch. Fact is your husband is no fool. He gave you a long rope to hang yourself and you obliged him. There is now no going back to status quo. You have to turn over a new leaf and by God that leaf should really look shiny and new. You want to get by, by throwing crumbs to your husband but it is not going to work.

 

Have you asked your husband the one important question you should have asked him in this latest session? That question is whether he is committed to working on your relationship and saving it or had he just given up? His actions and attitude seem to point to his having given up mostly and he is hanging by a mete thread. I think he has left the door slightly ajar for you to make the major effort to restore his love for you and confidence in you but apparently you've blown it again. Your attitude points to a couldn't care less one inspire of your arguing to the contrary and I think the time when the bus leaves is almost upon you. If you do not make immediate and herculean effort now that bus will leave you gasping in it's dust. The ball is well and truly in your court. Shape up or ship out. Best wishes.

[road]

Tell your BH that you are willing to tell him the truth now in MC

before you take the poly. This is your commitment to healing the

marriage. Also tell him you were wrong to not accept the offer to

start wearing the rings again, let's do it now.

[BettyDraper]

Marriage and parenting are for adults. Being selfish and puerile has no place in a happy marriage I'm only saying this because The OP's behavior does not match her chronological age. We are all immature in some ways but the OP seems to be stuck in her late adolescence or early twenties at best.

 

It's strange that she prefers frequent visits to bars and clubs rather than spending time with her family. Most people outgrow that stage in their lives once they settle down.

[Cullenbohannon]

Changing who you are because of fear, is not sustainable.

Be who you are. If you are happy hanging out with your friends and talking to your ex boss, then continue to do so. The initial reaction in times of conflict often show the truth.

 

Your truth based upon your last MC show that

 

You love your husband for the companion and father he is. That is the extent of your love for him.

You do not have the desire to be intimate with him.

You don't want to tell him the truth, probably about when the affair actually ended.

You really don't want to put that ring back on.

Your husband is not controlling, it is the marriage that is controlling.

 

You should not force change. You may have to step up a little more with the childcare, but the 2 of you can work it out.

 

Skip the poly, do not put your ring back on and let him go. Your marriage will end, it is simply a matter of time. Don't try to save it. Save the family and become friends with your soon to be ex husband.

 

Blessings for your family.

 

STBH&W

Edited March 16, 2018 by Cullenbohannon

[CommittedToThis]

Steph, in my opinion this is over. You're busted and you know it. All the stuff you've been hiding from your husband for years is about to come out.

 

With the polygraph offer your former husband just *owned* you. You don't take it? He's gone. You take it? You're busted.

 

I don't think you realize how smart and resourceful your former husband is. He's owning you like no tomorrow.

 

Face it, you got caught. It took him awhile to catch you because he truly wanted to trust you, he gave you a ridiculous amount of time and chances to change because he's a really great guy, but eventually he had enough.

 

I love that the man went out and got himself some. No, it wasn't the highest road, but I bet he loved it having been denied so long. Good for him.

 

Your lack of empathy is, for me, the primary red flag as to your utter unsuitability as a life partner.

 

I think perhaps I would consider this karma, Steph. You get what you give kind of thing.

[Yomachi]

He's tired of living like a guest in his own home and if I don't want to be near him, I can move into the guest room. - This one is causing me problems. I'm convinced he wants to get back into the marital bed soley for intimacy.

 

Just saying: The most awful diseases only show up on tests 90 days after exposure. And people generally don't use adequate protection for oral sex (which I guess is implied by "not going all the way"?).

 

I'd move to the guest room telling him that it's nothing personal, you just don't want to risk your health while you guys are working things out.

 

5. He stated that if we're still legally married (which we are) that we should be wearing our rings. I told him we'll see based on what happens in the future. He didn't seem to appreciate that and handed me his ring and said well then...when you're ready.

 

You and your husband are playing a strange game. He takes off his ring, you hate that, stop wearing your ring, he hates that, he asks that you both wear your rings again and you don't want to?

 

I thought you hated it that he didn't want to wear his ring anymore?

[springy]

Steph,

 

I am glad you went to counseling but I think your tactic of trying to take back control over your husband backfired. He’s not buying it anymore.

 

 

This is what stands out to me. She thinks she's still running the show - that doormat husband will resurface and give in. Not happening. Your old norm that you want to return to, will never be again. If you can't stand that thought you may not want to waste your time with marital counseling.

 

His hesitancy to take you at your word makes sense too, since you weren't honest about your pre-marital affair. He has suspected all these years that you lied to him. No one here is surprised, that is what cheaters do. Only fess up to parts of truth. Not so you wouldn't hurt him - so you would be able to keep him from leaving.

 

Forget the polygraph - spill the beans. Seems much more honorable than him having to force it out of you. Might it mean he says to heck with it and walks away? Perhaps, but he's headed that direction anyway...and he deserves to know what you hid from him all these years. Your conduct from then to this day is completely self serving.

 

The counseling sessions seem to be all about you even now. Your old life worked really well for you. You don't care that it hurt your husband. Now you're desperate to protect and restore the good old days. The attitude that everything should go your way is still front and center. Only problem for you is that your husband's eyes are wide open now. Understand if you want to keep your marriage you will need to be ready to create a new normal with your husband. All the GNO, denial of all forms of intimacy, opposite sex lunches/texts/phone calls, and whatever else are no longer options.

 

He knows there are women out there who are willing to go "all in." Your reign is over. Continue to push back and make it all about you and he will walk.

[steph1980nyc]

So as an update, my husband left on his trip this morning - he simply moved the date of his departure around to Friday.

 

I knew of his flight departure time and when he'd need to leave the house, it was an early flight so he'd need to leave the house at 3AM to make it to the airport, park the car, get thru security and all that. I was hoping he'd come into the room and tell me bye but he didn't. He just left. I don't understand the thought process - there wasn't anything that's changed (for the better or the worse). He's flying to the other end of the country and couldn't bother me to say bye? I was just laying there in the bed - and nothing. I suppose I could have intervened but he was the one leaving on the trip not me. I have mentioned needing space to think - but there's a differnce between space and disappearing.

 

I sent him a text around 12:00 saying that I hope he has a safe trip and gets some time to relax. He never replied.

 

Again, nothing has really changed over the past 24 hours - I don't think he's angry or angrier than before so I just don't get it.

 

Do you think he'll be faithful during this trip???? If I call him, I'll send a message that I didn't want space afterall or that I don't know what I want. I don't want to send more texts since it looks clingy.

 

I just want the games to stop and the communication to open. I agreed to the poly it's scheduled for Tuesday when he's back. I also told him, regardless of the questions in the poly that I wanted time to answer any questions he still has - and I'll be completely transparent. He said that was a start.

 

Does him leaving without saying a word to me mean he's given up entirely now? Never been in this situation with him and I think I'm still in fight or flight with all the anxiety kicked up a few notches.

 

Regarding details from the affair years ago - I met up with him more times than I led on. It wasn't a one time ordeal - and I'm almost positive I led him to believe it was a one time deal. The ex-boss thing - don't have to believe it..but nothing happened. Honestly, had he made a move - I likely would have gone with it - and I'll be admitting that also to my husband. I've had all day today without the kids (they are with my inlaws) and I think my issue is - I no longer found him attractive. As I said, he gained weight - and with his body type, it showed more in his face and stomach. I found his complacency and willingness to forgive/ignore weakness and I took advantage of i - I don't believe I treated him as a doormat but I certainly took advantage of his kindness and believe it to be weakness. - I regret that, in a weird way and this is something I'm still coming to terms with - him losing this weight (quite a bit -20 lbs or so I'd say) and changing his looks has me sexually interested in him. If he loses another 10-15 he'll be too skinny. As the individual counselor told me - it's common, some people always want what they can't have. The reason I can't welcome him back into the bed is because I think:

 

1) He will drop the "Act" and gain the weight

2) I have no idea what he truly did with the other woman and I take my health seriously. I'm still processing that - I think I believed he wasn't desirable..he was overweight, dressing like a slouch but now, new hair style, clothign style and back to almost the weight he was when we met.

3) Everytime we were intimate he would not last long - it always made him angry and made us fight.. and his answer was what do you expect its been months - how could i have any stamina

 

I'm probably not making sense. I wonder if he's even thinking of me - him not replying to my text makes me think no. I wonder if he's being faithful or now that he got a taste of action if he's running wild. Feeling insecure.

Edited March 16, 2018 by steph1980nyc

[BaileyB]

Steph, my friend, when you truly love someone for the person, the partner, the father, the friend that they are... a 20 pound weight gain really doesn't matter.

 

Keep digging. Do you really love your husband? This seems to be the most important question for you to answer, it is the very crux of your situation...

 

Don't text him. He asked for space, give him space. Take this time to yourself and do some hard thinking - what do you want for your life? What do you want for your future? Is that future going to include your husband... or, will you be happier coparenting, with your freedom. Big things to consider...

Edited March 16, 2018 by BaileyB

[BluesPower]

So as an update, my husband left on his trip this morning - he simply moved the date of his departure around to Friday.

 

I knew of his flight departure time and when he'd need to leave the house, it was an early flight so he'd need to leave the house at 3AM to make it to the airport, park the car, get thru security and all that. I was hoping he'd come into the room and tell me bye but he didn't. He just left. I don't understand the thought process - there wasn't anything that's changed (for the better or the worse). He's flying to the other end of the country and couldn't bother me to say bye? I was just laying there in the bed - and nothing. I suppose I could have intervened but he was the one leaving on the trip not me. I have mentioned needing space to think - but there's a differnce between space and disappearing.

 

I sent him a text around 12:00 saying that I hope he has a safe trip and gets some time to relax. He never replied.

 

Again, nothing has really changed over the past 24 hours - I don't think he's angry or angrier than before so I just don't get it.

 

Do you think he'll be faithful during this trip???? If I call him, I'll send a message that I didn't want space afterall or that I don't know what I want. I don't want to send more texts since it looks clingy.

 

I just want the games to stop and the communication to open. I agreed to the poly it's scheduled for Tuesday when he's back. I also told him, regardless of the questions in the poly that I wanted time to answer any questions he still has - and I'll be completely transparent. He said that was a start.

 

Does him leaving without saying a word to me mean he's given up entirely now? Never been in this situation with him and I think I'm still in fight or flight with all the anxiety kicked up a few notches.

 

Regarding details from the affair years ago - I met up with him more times than I led on. It wasn't a one time ordeal - and I'm almost positive I led him to believe it was a one time deal. The ex-boss thing - don't have to believe it..but nothing happened. Honestly, had he made a move - I likely would have gone with it - and I'll be admitting that also to my husband. I've had all day today without the kids (they are with my inlaws) and I think my issue is - I no longer found him attractive. As I said, he gained weight - and with his body type, it showed more in his face and stomach. I found his complacency and willingness to forgive/ignore weakness and I took advantage of i - I don't believe I treated him as a doormat but I certainly took advantage of his kindness and believe it to be weakness. - I regret that, in a weird way and this is something I'm still coming to terms with - him losing this weight (quite a bit -20 lbs or so I'd say) and changing his looks has me sexually interested in him. If he loses another 10-15 he'll be too skinny. As the individual counselor told me - it's common, some people always want what they can't have. The reason I can't welcome him back into the bed is because I think:

 

1) He will drop the "Act" and gain the weight

2) I have no idea what he truly did with the other woman and I take my health seriously. I'm still processing that - I think I believed he wasn't desirable..he was overweight, dressing like a slouch but now, new hair style, clothign style and back to almost the weight he was when we met.

3) Everytime we were intimate he would not last long - it always made him angry and made us fight.. and his answer was what do you expect its been months - how could i have any stamina

 

I'm probably not making sense. I wonder if he's even thinking of me - him not replying to my text makes me think no. I wonder if he's being faithful or now that he got a taste of action if he's running wild. Feeling insecure.

 

Steph, your last post, almost made me... feel sorry for you. Almost.

 

I guess that you will never, ever be able to understand what you have done to your husband. I really wish for your sake that you could understand what people here are trying to say, and I wish you could understand that they really are trying to help you.

 

Everything I am going to say is meant to help you wake up. And It is also my hope that you could become a better person, and in the future, a better wife for someone.

 

Your husband, I believe, is completely done with you.

 

And I really want you to understand why, so let's look at that.

 

What you have done to your husband, besides the cheating, is really one of the worst things that a woman can do to a man, you have taken him for granted, for years. You have worn him down with your selfishness, and your lack of respect for him and your marriage.

 

You have lied, disregarded his feelings at every turn. But you know what the worst thing that you have done.... You have taken advantage of a mans love for you. You took that love, and took a big old dump on it.

 

You have used him at every turn, yes he was weak, but he loved you, and you crapped on that love.

 

I believe your H is getting his head together, and is going to file for divorce.

 

Do you even need to ask why? Let's list the reasons:

1) You had an affair, and loved it. You lied to him at every step. You lied about the great sex, the number of times, and your feelings for the OM.

 

My guess is that after he was done with you, he would not have you or you would not have married your Plan B Husband.

 

2) You have gone out of your way to treat him like sh**. You have appeared to be having an affair. (Lunches, deleted texts, GNO, and on and on). Further, I believe that you have hooked up on some of the GNO and you would not dare tell this board because you know you will get blasted.

 

3) You have denied him sex in a marriage, not because you have any health issues, but because you don't find him attractive.

 

And BTW, no man who is not cheating, is going to have much stamina if he only gets laid every 2 or 3 months.

 

4) You have taken advantage of him and his love for you at every turn.

 

Do you understand how you have done these things? I for one would like to understand how you can look at yourself in the mirror, I really do.

 

Listen, your husband has woken up, and I believe he is done with you. Why don't you give him a good divorce settlement and let the poor man go. That would be one self redeeming thing that you could do to get some good Karma going your way.

 

Here are some other tips: Just so you know, you will not find another man that loves you as much as your husband. I guarantee that.

 

You will not find another man that will take your stuff for a second, they are all too wise by now.

 

I was marred to a woman that was somewhat like you, she now lives in a cheap rent house, with roommates, with a crappy minimum wage job.

 

She has some health issues, and soon she will even be off of my Cadillac health plan. When that happens, I really don't know what will become of her and I really don't care. You see, she took advantage of the deep love that I had for her, she ruined her life, and now, I could not care less.

 

You see, I am a great catch. I am a high earning, decent looking guy, that is good in the sack, and frankly I am generally a super guy. Also, a moderately popular musician in my neck of the woods, which is a general bonus for the girls that are in to that.

 

After I decided to loose my wife, I have had frankly more women than I can count, some OK relationships, and generally a ton of fun.

 

Now, I have found what I believe is a unicorn of sorts and we are in the best relationship I think I have ever had. She is, beautiful, sexy, and above all not crazy. Our sex life is out of this world, and we are having a blast.

 

I am not telling you all of this to brag, I am telling you this because this is what awaits your husband, once he divorces you.

 

Is there anyway for you to save your marriage, I don't think so, because your husband is not a weak man anymore.

 

And I don't think that you can actually become a different person than you are.

 

I wish you could, because this story may have had a happy ending...

[RecentChange]

You really don't get it do you?

 

In my opinion this relationship is D O N E. To the point of no return.

 

 

it was an early flight so he'd need to leave the house at 3AM to make it to the airport, park the car, get thru security and all that. I was hoping he'd come into the room and tell me bye but he didn't. He just left.

 

You know what I do when my husband has an early flight? I get up with him, I help make sure he has everything he needs for the trip. I will run him a pot of coffee while he showers.... and we embrace and say we love each other before he leaves.

 

 

I don't understand the thought process - there wasn't anything that's changed (for the better or the worse).....

Again, nothing has really changed over the past 24 hours - I don't think he's angry or angrier than before so I just don't get it.

 

Yep, nothing has changed, your lack of effort has probably pissed him off even more.

 

Do you think he'll be faithful during this trip???? If I call him, I'll send a message that I didn't want space afterall or that I don't know what I want. I don't want to send more texts since it looks clingy.

 

Don't want to appear clingy to your husband, the person you are supposed to be closest with, and love? Ah, okay.

 

As for faithful, again, I think this relationship is toast, so I don't think it really matters.

 

Does him leaving without saying a word to me mean he's given up entirely now? Never been in this situation with him and I think I'm still in fight or flight with all the anxiety kicked up a few notches.

 

The reason I can't welcome him back into the bed is because I think:

.

 

It doesn't matter any more. Damage done, done and done. Refusing to sleep in the same bed as your husband? What the hell?!?

 

One thing that has worked in our marriage, no matter how bad the fight, no matter how big the issue WE HAVE NEVER SLEPT IN SEPARATE BEDS. Not once, we always kiss and make up enough to at least cuddle and fall asleep.

 

I see nothing to save here... its all ruined.

[BettyDraper]

Your husband seems to be using The 180 to change the dynamics of your relationship.

He gave you a chance to improve and you wouldn't even wear your wedding ring.

What makes you think that he owes you any communication after that?

 

You also said that you needed space so it sounds like you were craving the ego boost of your husband begging for your attention. He isn't going to do that anymore because he knows what your priorities are.

 

It's quite rich for you to blame your behavior on your husband's weight gain.

I understand that you may have found him less attractive but that was no excuse for your years of emotional abuse and disrespect.

[sandylee1]

I don't think your husband will drop 'the act' if he comes back to bed with you..because he knows what's out there and that he is desirable to other women. Sex brings you closer and would be a step in the right direction.

 

If you find him attractive with his new look...you need to show it.

 

I think you didn't make effort before because you didn't think he was desirable to others and felt he was lucky to have you...still in shape and looking good.

 

Whilst I believe in honesty...I think if you tell him you weren't attracted to him anymore and that you would have slept with your Ex boss....his male ego won't be able to handle it. It will crush him. If you're going to tell him the truth...please be sensitive about it.

 

Did you find your own counsellor?

 

If my husband said that to me...I'd be done.

[salparadise]

You really don't get it do you?

 

In my opinion this relationship is D O N E. To the point of no return.

 

Yea, it's like she's saying, "okay, so I've been a sh*tty wife and you're done with my sorry ass... but being the magnanimous person that I am, I might be willing to accept and apology.

[JDJ]

Steph, your last post, almost made me... feel sorry for you. Almost.

 

 

Now, I have found what I believe is a unicorn of sorts and we are in the best relationship I think I have ever had. She is, beautiful, sexy, and above all not crazy. Our sex life is out of this world, and we are having a blast.

 

 

Good for you BluesPower. I also got lucky and swapped crazy for not crazy. I learned that "not crazy" is perhaps the most important characteristic to look for in a partner, but it is hard to learn this without experiencing it yourself. Perhaps the OP's husband is learning that lesson now.

[BluesPower]

Good for you BluesPower. I also got lucky and swapped crazy for not crazy. I learned that "not crazy" is perhaps the most important characteristic to look for in a partner, but it is hard to learn this without experiencing it yourself. Perhaps the OP's husband is learning that lesson now.

 

Unfortunately for OP, I really think he had woken up. It took him way to long, but I think he has really woken up.

 

I just don't understand how someone can just be so clueless about what a relationship is suppose to be. I do almost feel sorry for her, but I feel really sorry for her husband. When he makes the break, it will be brutal for her.

 

As far as me, I am super happy. But I really had to go through a ton of women to find this one, and it was a total accident that we met.

 

Life is really funny sometimes...

[GoldenR]

I, too, find myself feeling sorry for you. But not for the reasons you would think.

 

You are in for a VERY rude awakening once he leaves you. And yes, that's what is going to happen. You've made during that with your position of attempting to retain the power in the marriage. To sum it up in 3 words : You've blown it.

 

And honestly, why do you want to stay with someone that you don't love? And yes, that's the fact, you don't love your husband. . He knows it, we know it, you however, seem to have a hard time realizing this.

 

A 20 lb weight gain and you cut him off from sex? Add to that, you never came clean to him about your A, and deep down he knows it and as a result, he has never truly healed from your A. That's why not getting the truth does to a BS....it eats away at their psyche for years, until they finally break and detach.

 

The lunches with your Ex-boss that you now admit you wanted to have sex with and would have done so had GE made a move? Yet another sign of utter disrespect and anything but love for your H.

 

Going out at night for GNOs and not communicating with him about them either before or while you're there? Yeah...like Blues said, pretty all of us can figure out what was going on there, and I'm sure your H figured it out long ago.

 

Even when he was leaving town for his trip, you refused to show weakness and get up with him. Even now, after everything, you're still worried about the power dynamic within your marriage.

 

You want his comfort, his security, his normalness and his babysitting, and you're scared of having to do it in your own. You don't love him. He sees it. We all see it. You need to be honest with yourself and answer this question: if you really loved him, would you have treated him like the red-headed stepchild of the family all these years?

 

I hope after all is said and done, you use this experience to become a better person, and a better partner for someone else down the road.