Would like to get a Man's POV - Husband Acting Strange

[Mr. Lucky]

The reason I can't welcome him back into the bed is because I think:

 

2) I have no idea what he truly did with the other woman and I take my health seriously.

 

OP, have to admit this made me laugh out loud. Given your own lack of fidelity - and willingness to jump into the sack with your boss - you and I have a different definition of taking things seriously.

 

There's a remarkable inability to see his POV evident in everything you post...

 

Mr. Lucky

[anika99]

OP I really don't think you love your husband. You love the status quo. You love the security of marriage, you love what your husband brings to the table, you love the life that marriage affords you....but you don't love your husband. Now your husband is threatening your sense of security and you are in a panic and you want to save your married life. You desperately want the marriage but you don't really want your husband.

 

Maybe you never loved him. I mean you did cheat on him even before you married him, so maybe the marriage was never about love, at least not for you. Maybe the only reason you married him was because he was going to give you the life you wanted. Or maybe you're just not capable of truly loving another person as much as you love yourself.

 

Throughout this entire thread your thinking has remained very much self focussed. You complain about your husband not saying goodbye to you before he left on his trip. Obviously it was because he thought you were sleeping, because you decided to just lie in your bed and wait for him to come to you. He was being considerate in not waking you while once again you were only thinking of yourself and your own feelings.

 

A woman who loves her husband gets her ass out of bed to see her husband off when he's leaving on a trip. If she's worried about the state of her relationship, she makes sure her husband leaves feeling loved and wanted.

 

A woman in love with her husband won't reject him just because he puts on a few pounds. Sure we all want to feel attracted to our partner but a twenty pound weight gain on a man is really not much at all. I've been madly in love with a guy who gained a lot more than that. The man I love is always the hottest guy on earth to me and he'd have to turn into a real ugly beast before I'd change my opinion. That is why they say love is blind. However, if you don't love the man you're with then you are simply unable to overlook even small flaws. You are obviously very focussed on your husband's flaws and very quick to criticize even his tiniest short comings....because you don't love him.

 

Now you say you worry that if he comes back into your bed he will drop the "act" That's funny because I'd say he is the one who should be worried about the "act" you are putting on and whether or not you are going to drop it. I suspect that the moment you have your husband safely back in his submissive role you will go right back to treating him as you always have. Because you don't really love him, you just love the life you have.

 

You have to put aside your fear of being divorced and really consider how unfair it is of you to try to keep your husband locked in this cold loveless marriage. Pretend for a moment that you could keep your life exactly how it is even if your husband left. Pretend that nothing else would change. Pretend you would still have exactly the same finances, the same freedom, the same assistance with your children, the same help around the house. Pretend that your husband leaves but your entire lifestyle remains exactly as it was before he left. Does his leaving still upset you? Somehow I think his leaving it wouldn't upset you at all as long as nothing else had to change and that's why I think you should let him go.

[Brieanna]

I'm probably not making sense. I wonder if he's even thinking of me - him not replying to my text makes me think no.

What I am hearing throughout this thread is not that you want him, not that you want this marriage.

 

However, it appears you really want him to want you and no one else.

 

Really wanting and desiring a person is very different than needing to be wanted. I think you are confusing the two.

 

Continue the counseling.

Consider getting 1-1 counseling also.

 

Your issues of control over him and insecurity is most likely an issue of your own lack of sense of self worth. Even if you two were to reunite, you will still be carrying these issues with you...in this relationship or even to the next.

[georgia girl]

Steph,

 

Thanks for being honest. From what I read:

 

1) The affair you had went on longer and was more involved than you let on but you didn’t want your soon-to-be husband to leave you, so you minimized.

2) You had feelings for your ex-boss and would have had an affair, but he wasn’t going there. Hence, all of the texts/lunches and also the deletes. It was obvious in your communications that you were flirty/looking for more.

3) Your husband became unattractive to you - probably a combination of his weight gain and the feelings you developed for your ex-boss - and so you created vaginusmus to make it “not your fault.”

 

And from what I can gather, while you were not romantically in love with your husband, you loved your comfortable life with your husband and being able to do what you wanted. In fact, the only times you were dissatisfied was when he began to make “husband appropriate” demands, which you felt were a burden on you because while you were still an attractive mover and shaker, he had let himself go and the two of you were no longer on par.

 

At this point, my take is that you don’t want your husband and don’t want to make him and your relationship the sole focus of your romantic ambitions. But, I think you want to stay married, potentially for the social and financial realities that divorce would bring. Steph, that’s not enough reason for YOU to stay married. I know I have been harsh on you in this thread, but I want to be clear now: this is not satisfying or rewarding to you. You are too young to not want to fall in love again. If this was your future - this man only - I think you would cringe.

 

On the flip side, this is not good for your husband either. He’s a good guy. He forgave one affair, he takes primary responsibility for the kids and house. He’s got a steady job - sounds like you guys are comfortable - and I think, despite what you see as weakness - he’s a strong enough man to know what he wants and to not have to bully or shout his way through life, but quietly makes his future a reality without compromising others. This is as strong as it gets. But, I don’t think that those qualities are truly attractive to you. So let him go. Let him find the woman for whom he will rock her world. Let him experience the love Blues Power has found.

 

And let yourself experience it, too.

 

Please consider this now while the two of you are frustrated and angry, but not in full blown hate. You rug sweep and get past this crisis and it’s only a matter of time before the next one. This is the second time in seven years - your first affair until now. I would hazard a guess that the next crisis comes even closer in time to this one. In the meantime, you have kids who have grown up with this tension and uncertainty and both of you need to realize that this isn’t good for them. You should be demonstrating to your kids what a healthy relationship looks like. Right now, they see you as the bad guy who goes out all of the time and dad as the pushover. Not good... they need to learn from you.

 

Listen, if you have managed to have feelings for two men in a span of seven years that were not your husband and you still feel the need for a GNO to go out and scope opportunities, you and your husband are simply not the right partners for each other. It’s time to own up to that.

[pheonixrisen]

So as an update, my husband left on his trip this morning - he simply moved the date of his departure around to Friday.

 

I knew of his flight departure time and when he'd need to leave the house, it was an early flight so he'd need to leave the house at 3AM to make it to the airport, park the car, get thru security and all that. I was hoping he'd come into the room and tell me bye but he didn't. He just left. I don't understand the thought process - there wasn't anything that's changed (for the better or the worse). He's flying to the other end of the country and couldn't bother me to say bye? I was just laying there in the bed - and nothing. I suppose I could have intervened but he was the one leaving on the trip not me. I have mentioned needing space to think - but there's a differnce between space and disappearing.

 

I sent him a text around 12:00 saying that I hope he has a safe trip and gets some time to relax. He never replied.

 

Again, nothing has really changed over the past 24 hours - I don't think he's angry or angrier than before so I just don't get it.

 

Do you think he'll be faithful during this trip???? If I call him, I'll send a message that I didn't want space afterall or that I don't know what I want. I don't want to send more texts since it looks clingy.

 

I just want the games to stop and the communication to open. I agreed to the poly it's scheduled for Tuesday when he's back. I also told him, regardless of the questions in the poly that I wanted time to answer any questions he still has - and I'll be completely transparent. He said that was a start.

 

Does him leaving without saying a word to me mean he's given up entirely now? Never been in this situation with him and I think I'm still in fight or flight with all the anxiety kicked up a few notches.

 

Regarding details from the affair years ago - I met up with him more times than I led on. It wasn't a one time ordeal - and I'm almost positive I led him to believe it was a one time deal. The ex-boss thing - don't have to believe it..but nothing happened. Honestly, had he made a move - I likely would have gone with it - and I'll be admitting that also to my husband. I've had all day today without the kids (they are with my inlaws) and I think my issue is - I no longer found him attractive. As I said, he gained weight - and with his body type, it showed more in his face and stomach. I found his complacency and willingness to forgive/ignore weakness and I took advantage of i - I don't believe I treated him as a doormat but I certainly took advantage of his kindness and believe it to be weakness. - I regret that, in a weird way and this is something I'm still coming to terms with - him losing this weight (quite a bit -20 lbs or so I'd say) and changing his looks has me sexually interested in him. If he loses another 10-15 he'll be too skinny. As the individual counselor told me - it's common, some people always want what they can't have. The reason I can't welcome him back into the bed is because I think:

 

1) He will drop the "Act" and gain the weight

2) I have no idea what he truly did with the other woman and I take my health seriously. I'm still processing that - I think I believed he wasn't desirable..he was overweight, dressing like a slouch but now, new hair style, clothign style and back to almost the weight he was when we met.

3) Everytime we were intimate he would not last long - it always made him angry and made us fight.. and his answer was what do you expect its been months - how could i have any stamina

 

I'm probably not making sense. I wonder if he's even thinking of me - him not replying to my text makes me think no. I wonder if he's being faithful or now that he got a taste of action if he's running wild. Feeling insecure.

 

Steph almost 20 pages long later I think it's time a lot of us realize you are limited in the way you love or the way you love is the only way you know how ..we cannot judge that .

 

It's like you are keeping a score card who comes to whom first /who takes of the ring first/ who puts it back on first / who makes what moves first

 

If for every time I told my h to leave me alone and if he would have followed through Everytime we would not be in a 12 year marriage .similarly when I need to fight for him I don't take no for an answer

 

Who is watching you ?who is judging you ? In the privacy of your own home with your own husband Where are you getting I don't want to be clingy !

How is showing your own husband love /affection/ that you care even a little bit... clingy

 

Why would he come to you ? For what exactly? What have you opened the room for ? May be you wanted him to come to you to prove a point perhaps to berate him more / perhaps to show him you are more in control all of it all negative way to love a person ..

 

Nothing has changed the past 24 hours hmmm let's see are you blind are really that blah ...you basically said to him we shall see about putting the rings back on and then said no to moving back in his marital bed

 

You have a very small window of opportunity to win him back before the anger turns to indifference when that happens he is not going to be asking you come to a couple counselling session ..you will be served with divorce ...

 

If you feel whsts imp here is who beats who first to finish line for divorce then you are not a right partner no body is going to give you a standing ovation for it and you are simply going to carry who you are in to every relationship.

 

Regarding your affair ..what you hid it's what all cheaters do its nothing new ..we have heard and seen it all before ...your h suspect it ...tell him the truth .

 

You really do not make sense you are all over the place ..you think what he is doing an act ...you don't provide him sex for months and when you do he cannot keep up and you berate him wow ...just wow ..

 

I don't believe a wife or a husband can push their partners in to affairs .affairs are worst way of handling a already bad situation

 

However I do believe when you ill-treat a person take advantage of them starve them of love and affection .you leave them vulnerable and open

 

I am all for saving marriage but I do believe that you have lived a certain way for so long that's it now a habit ...you are comfortable with you are insecure you don't have him to control anymore and I do believe if by some chance you save this marriage you are only going to be trying to bringing it back to its original way where you had someone to emotionally abuse to make your self feel better .

Because 20 pages later it's still all about you .

 

Let him go and let him Find a girl who can genuinely be a wife and partner

[Maraud3r]

Regarding details from the affair years ago - I met up with him more times than I led on. It wasn't a one time ordeal - and I'm almost positive I led him to believe it was a one time deal.

So instead of a one time "slip" it was a long term affair. This is a HUGE difference and it alone should be reason enough to divorce you. You're gaslighting your husband, you are trickle truthing and you see nothing wrong with deceiving and lying to him on the regular.

 

How this fits with "sex is painful and terrible and that's why I only sleep with my husband once every 3 months or less!" I don't really understand.

 

The ex-boss thing - don't have to believe it..but nothing happened. Honestly, had he made a move - I likely would have gone with it - and I'll be admitting that also to my husband.

You do realize what this means, right? You were calling him controlling, you were rabbid about any concerns or issues he had with your behaviour. You were throwing tantrums and angry because of his behaviour. Except now you're admitting HE WAS ENTIRELY RIGHT.

 

You weren't networking, you weren't harmlessly going out with your friends, you weren't being trusthworthy and just doing things on accident. You were actively working on finding an affair partner. All while blaming your husband and using vaginismus as an excuse to not engage with him. "I cheated on you because you didn't trust me not to cheat, this is all your fault!"

 

You did not simply lie to your husband, you lied to the people you asked for advice and help too.

 

Oh and you do realize that all these men not making a move on your, despite the signs you're sending and the investment from your side might mean you are a whole lot less attractive and desirable than you seem to think you are, right?

I don't believe I treated him as a doormat

No, you didn't treat him as a doormat. You treated him way worse.

The reason I can't welcome him back into the bed is because I think:

You still act as if this was about YOUR desires, YOUR wants, YOUR needs. That he has to prove himself to YOU, apologize and better himself. I loathe cheaters, even "revenge cheaters". I think it's low and a person should have the backbone to end their relationship but I absolutely cannot fault your husband.

 

Given your behaviour, your lies, your deception and your general attitude I think whatever he did with that woman simply does not matter in the greater scheme and if it helps him reach the point of divorcing you all that much better.

 

Bloody hell, what the heck.

[CatMinx]

So you punished your husband for gaining weight, and now you’re punishing him for losing weight. You refuse to put an ounce of effort into your marriage or do or say anything to make him feel good or wanted, but you’re angry at him for not doing it either.

 

It seems like you consider yourself too good for him.

 

Seriously..what have you contributed to this mrriage?

[RecentChange]

Good for you BluesPower. I also got lucky and swapped crazy for not crazy. I learned that "not crazy" is perhaps the most important characteristic to look for in a partner, but it is hard to learn this without experiencing it yourself. Perhaps the OP's husband is learning that lesson now.

 

You know, my dad is a wise man who taught me many things. When it came to love, he would say "don't do crazy". It was sound advice.

[sandylee1]

Steph,

 

It does sound like you want the marriage, but not So much your husband. He hasn't felt desired by you in a long time. You don't see him as an Alpha male and saw his forgiveness of your affair as a weakness in him.

 

There may be a more compatible man for you out there. Someone you would respect and be attracted to. Someone who won't mind all your GNOs.

 

If your husband isn't the one for you, then be honest with yourself even if you can't be honest with us. Maybe you married him for stability, more than attraction and sexual chemistry...many women do so...especially when they realise time is ticking on.

 

One thing you should do regardless, is acknowledge your wrong doing explicitly.

 

Starting with the affair... express your gratitude for his forgiveness and for not ending your relationship at the time, to the lunches where you disregarded his feelings, the GNOs where you 'forgot' to tell him and the kids where you were going and the contact with your Ex boss.

 

You know you forgot because you don't/didn't respect him enough.

 

You made the mistake of thinking he wouldn't have the gumption to call time on the marriage. He's knocked you off that pedestal and you don't like it.

 

If co-parenting would work better..then go thst route.

[salparadise]

OP, have to admit this made me laugh out loud. Given your own lack of fidelity - and willingness to jump into the sack with your boss - you and I have a different definition of taking things seriously.

 

There's a remarkable inability to see his POV evident in everything you post...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

A remarkable gap in overall awareness I'd say. Lack of empathy and remorse, grandiose self concept, self righteous, no moral compass... may I ask if you have a twitter account- it occurs to me that you're well qualified to be the leader of the free world!

 

*Yay! Post #300. But where's Stephanie?

[happyhusband0005]

Hi, I agree with everything Mrin said. Couple of other things I would recconmend. First after having this sit down as Mrin describes commit that you will be forgoing your girls nights to be replaced by a date night for some period of time and that date nights will no be essential going forward. Second, surprise him with lunches every now and then even if you have to take some time away from work do it going to him. Third after (if) things begin to improve surprise him with a night away, go out to a nice dinner, go to a movie or show or sporting event whatever he would enjoy. Then have a hotel room reserved so you can be away from home and the kids and give him the best fantasy sex you are capable of.

 

The reason your marriage may be doomed isn't bacause he has lost trust in you from a cheating perspective it is because he, for good reason, believes you simply don't give a #$*& about him.

 

You are the one who is going to have to make him believe that again.

[steph1980nyc]

So my husband got back this afternoon - he bought some souvenirs for everyone which I thought was kind.

 

After the kids were off to bed (I handled that and let him relax) I told him we needed to talk. His immediate response was "let me guess, you won't do the polygraph tomorrow after all" I told him, no - I will still do it, but I want to talk about things first. He immediately then said "what don't i know?"

 

I broke down and told him everything - he wanted to know how many times I was with the affair partner sexually, what he did exactly, what i did exactly, I told him some of those questions he wouldn't want to know the answers to but he demanded them. He had no emotion, just said - "why I allowed those activities with him but not with me" Wanted to know where the events took place since I apparently had the time for them but not for him. He asked over and over and over if there was anyone else and refused to accept my answer of no. Wanted to know if I communicated with him in any way since, wanted more details on the GNOs and lunches.

He's now demanding another DNA test with our kids - TOTALLY CAUGHT ME OFF GUARD and quite hurtful and a big expense we don't need. The kids are his 0% question.

 

He said he may ask these questions again and he can't process what he's hearing and left for....guess it.....the BAR - I wanted to ask him questions also but that didn't happen. How the hell are we to communicate when he just runs off when it gets too hard to listen. If he was answered what he claims he did and did not do with the bar fly I wouldn't have just up and left.

 

I feel better and tried to avoid bruising his ego but I don't think it worked all I can do now is the poly tomorrow - the results shouldn't surprise him.

[BettyDraper]

So my husband got back this afternoon - he bought some souvenirs for everyone which I thought was kind.

 

After the kids were off to bed (I handled that and let him relax) I told him we needed to talk. His immediate response was "let me guess, you won't do the polygraph tomorrow after all" I told him, no - I will still do it, but I want to talk about things first. He immediately then said "what don't i know?"

 

I broke down and told him everything - he wanted to know how many times I was with the affair partner sexually, what he did exactly, what i did exactly, I told him some of those questions he wouldn't want to know the answers to but he demanded them. He had no emotion, just said - "why I allowed those activities with him but not with me" Wanted to know where the events took place since I apparently had the time for them but not for him. He asked over and over and over if there was anyone else and refused to accept my answer of no. Wanted to know if I communicated with him in any way since, wanted more details on the GNOs and lunches.

He's now demanding another DNA test with our kids - TOTALLY CAUGHT ME OFF GUARD and quite hurtful and a big expense we don't need. The kids are his 0% question.

 

He said he may ask these questions again and he can't process what he's hearing and left for....guess it.....the BAR - I wanted to ask him questions also but that didn't happen. How the hell are we to communicate when he just runs off when it gets too hard to listen. If he was answered what he claims he did and did not do with the bar fly I wouldn't have just up and left.

 

I feel better and tried to avoid bruising his ego but I don't think it worked all I can do now is the poly tomorrow - the results shouldn't surprise him.

 

I hope that you didn't tell your husband that you were hurt by his suspicion and demand for DNA testing. I hope you didn't tell him that those tests are too expensive. If you want to fix your marriage, you are going to need to provide proof of fidelity. Stop resisting your husband's need for confirmation!

 

As I said before, your husband is giving you a taste of your own medicine. There were many times where you went out with your friends without any regard for how your behavior was affecting your family and marriage.

[happyhusband0005]

Good for you Steph! Even though he left for the bar you communicated openly. This is an important step. Please don't punish him for demanding so much from you to prove things. If you really want to fix this it is going to be your responsibility to do so. After you pass the lie detector you need to keep trying. Don't take any grand expressions on your part as the end. Know that he will need reassurance for a long time. Show him affection even when he doesn't seem to want it. Tell him you love him time and time again.

 

As to the why did you do that with him and not with me question that is a very tough one to have a good answer to. What your husband is not going to be willing to accept is that most of the time people in LTRs and Marriages typically are less creative in bed than people who have a relationship based on the physical. Maybe you tell him you want to fix this and get back to focusing your relationship on your love and partnership. You have to figure out a way to make him feel desired by you. Right now he is suffering a very serious crisis of trust but also ego. He feels like he is not worthy of you going all out sexually for him.

 

Counseling is a must ongoing. Full disclosure. If you want to fix this be ready to be a relationship workaholic. When things begin to approve work harder. If you want to save this work work work, and love love love.

[BluesPower]

Good for you Steph! Even though he left for the bar you communicated openly. This is an important step. Please don't punish him for demanding so much from you to prove things. If you really want to fix this it is going to be your responsibility to do so. After you pass the lie detector you need to keep trying. Don't take any grand expressions on your part as the end. Know that he will need reassurance for a long time. Show him affection even when he doesn't seem to want it. Tell him you love him time and time again.

 

As to the why did you do that with him and not with me question that is a very tough one to have a good answer to. What your husband is not going to be willing to accept is that most of the time people in LTRs and Marriages typically are less creative in bed than people who have a relationship based on the physical. Maybe you tell him you want to fix this and get back to focusing your relationship on your love and partnership. You have to figure out a way to make him feel desired by you. Right now he is suffering a very serious crisis of trust but also ego. He feels like he is not worthy of you going all out sexually for him.

 

Counseling is a must ongoing. Full disclosure. If you want to fix this be ready to be a relationship workaholic. When things begin to approve work harder. If you want to save this work work work, and love love love.

 

HH, I am just asking...Brother have you read her thread all the way through?

 

Have you ever been the recipient of anything like she has put her H through?

 

Is this the way that you handled it? This is what you would want for this poor husband that has finally found that he has a set of gonads?

 

Because most of us and me for sure are hoping that he divorces her yesterday and then maybe he can find some piece in his life.

 

I also hope that somehow she starts to understand what she has done to another human being and maybe, just maybe she will learn to a better person.

 

Anyway, I am just asking...

[salparadise]

I wanted to ask him questions also but that didn't happen. How the hell are we to communicate when he just runs off when it gets too hard to listen. If he was answered what he claims he did and did not do with the bar fly I wouldn't have just up and left.

 

You left, eh? Because he didn't submit to equal grilling, and you felt that you should have the chance to turn it around on him? Yea, okay. Makes perfect sense.

[Yomachi]

So from these two quotes... You already had a paternity test done seven years ago, but he wants another one?

 

Or did he test one kid but the kid you got later was never tested?

 

He's now demanding another DNA test with our kids - TOTALLY CAUGHT ME OFF GUARD and quite hurtful and a big expense we don't need. The kids are his 0% question.

 

our kids are definitely his. He covered those bases after he found out about the affair and had genetic testing completed.

 

Good luck with the polygraph today. I personally would cut my losses and simply file for divorce.

If you didn't want sex with him because he got 20 pounds fatter, well, he'll regain that weight eventually. Almost everyone does.

[Maraud3r]

He had no emotion, just said - "why I allowed those activities with him but not with me" Wanted to know where the events took place since I apparently had the time for them but not for him.

Here's the thing. Those are pretty damn good questions. You aren't just trickle truthing him, you are doing the same to the people you are asking for advice here on the thread. And the longer this goes on, the more most people grow convinced that HE should divorce YOU asap and that is for a good reason.

 

This went from "one mistake a long time ago and he's to controlling!" to a full blown affair prior to your marriage, in which you've shown more passion and desire than throughout your entire marriage and where you apparently did various things you refuse to do with your husband.

 

While admitting that all along he was if anything not controlling and suspicious enough because you admitted you were open to new affairs with your boss and possibly other men and actively seeking.

 

With every shred of truth you admit to and give us, the whole situation becomes less favourable for you and by now I and likely others admit that you are still holding a lot of things back. And so is your husband.

He asked over and over and over if there was anyone else and refused to accept my answer of no. Wanted to know if I communicated with him in any way since, wanted more details on the GNOs and lunches.

Which is reasonable. You have proven over and over and over again that you cannot be honest and try to present yourself in as positive a light as possible. You even did it here, with people who have no relation to you and will never meet you where you could have been completely honest.

He's now demanding another DNA test with our kids - TOTALLY CAUGHT ME OFF GUARD and quite hurtful and a big expense we don't need. The kids are his 0% question.

He is demanding a DNA test, which is reasonable given the situation. You have a history of cheating and lying about it. You have admitted to seeking new affairs and failing mostly because the men were not interested.

 

He has ZERO reason to trust you. Why you find his lack of trust hurtful I do not understand. You act like a faithful wife who is being accused unjustly. Rather than a serial cheater with a history of deception.

 

He said he may ask these questions again and he can't process what he's hearing and left for....guess it.....the BAR - I wanted to ask him questions also but that didn't happen. How the hell are we to communicate when he just runs off when it gets too hard to listen.

Here's the thing. You might have answered everything he needed to know to come to a decision. You now admitted that you engaged in various sexual practices and acts WHICH YOU REFUSED TO EVER DO AND APPARENTLY CLAIMED YOU WILL NEVER DO when your husband inquired about them.

 

You've just told him you cared more, were willing to go further and accomodate your affair to an extent he could only dream of. While having pity sex with him every 3-4 months.

I feel better and tried to avoid bruising his ego but I don't think it worked all

You did the exact opposite. You just obliterated his ego. You just admitted that while keeping him on a 3 month leash and likely to the absolute minimum required to count as sex. You've engaged in a long term affair and various sexual practices you'd never even consider for him. You pretty much just told him that affair and affair partner was worth more than he ever was to you and ever will be.

 

Good for you Steph!

Have you... have you even read most of this thread?

Edited March 20, 2018 by Maraud3r

[happyhusband0005]

HH, I am just asking...Brother have you read her thread all the way through?

 

Have you ever been the recipient of anything like she has put her H through?

 

Is this the way that you handled it? This is what you would want for this poor husband that has finally found that he has a set of gonads?

 

Because most of us and me for sure are hoping that he divorces her yesterday and then maybe he can find some piece in his life.

 

I also hope that somehow she starts to understand what she has done to another human being and maybe, just maybe she will learn to a better person.

 

Anyway, I am just asking...

 

Well from what I gather from the OP is she cheated before they got married and has been faithful since then. Maybe I missed something there. The main problem is she has been very selfish and takes her husband for granted.

 

So I am trying to offer some encouragement on how to help her husband recover from this as the work to fix things is 100% her job.

[georgia girl]

Well from what I gather from the OP is she cheated before they got married and has been faithful since then. Maybe I missed something there. The main problem is she has been very selfish and takes her husband for granted.

 

So I am trying to offer some encouragement on how to help her husband recover from this as the work to fix things is 100% her job.

 

So, a little of what you missed which is pertinent:

 

1)’ She was having numerous lunches and was texting/deleting messages from an ex boss with whom she was willing to have an affair (her own admission) but he wasn’t.

2) In the meantime, she created a medical condition to avoid being intimate with her husband, which may or may not have led him to become suspicious that she was cheating again.

 

Steph, I know you are trying to equalize the wrongs here by comparing his recent overnight stay with a bar pickup - which you admit you believe he didn’t have sex with her - to your past affair seven years ago, but I don’t think it has the same impact on each of you. You likely devestated him last night. Good for being honest, but you confirmed all of his worst fears. He shouldn’t be running away to a bar - particularly one where he made a huge error recently and that’s on him - but I would also avoid, for now, the comparison of his recent activity to your past history. You know/knew he didn’t have intercourse. You just described pretty intense intercourse with another man that you weren’t able to do with him. That is a massive blow. To a man, it says you loved the other guy much more. I am not saying to rugsweep the bar girl, but I am saying that you guys need to take one massive issue at a time if this is going to work. You still did t confess your feelings for your boss - and he obviously strongly suspects - and until you both know what each other has done fully, there is no room for you to do “tit-for-tat.” He doesn’t even know how bad it is yet. If you push him with the “well, you did,” he may not respond how you hope.

[BluesPower]

Well from what I gather from the OP is she cheated before they got married and has been faithful since then. Maybe I missed something there. The main problem is she has been very selfish and takes her husband for granted.

 

So I am trying to offer some encouragement on how to help her husband recover from this as the work to fix things is 100% her job.

 

As intelligent as you appear to be and by your writing style... being as articulate as it is, you may want to re-read some of it if you want to.

 

She more than cheated before they were married. She cheated while engaged, with a stud that did now want to be with her, so she married beta boy, aka Husband.

 

She lied about the extent of the affair in order to keep him, why I am not sure she knows.

 

He was weak to take her back, typical story. She swears she has not cheated since she was married, which none of use believe for a half a second. She put him on a pity sex diet of once every two or three months.

 

Why he stayed is anyone's guess. Lack of confidence, sexual insecurity, who really knows.

 

Every action she has taken in the marriage is right out of the cheaters hand book. She trickle truths even people on the internet as well as her husband.

 

He finally got tired of her behavior, suspected the truth about the affair the whole time, she finally admitted it to him the day before the poly.

 

I suspect that his balls finally grew in, and he is about to divorce her. I would not be surprised if he presents her with divorce papers this weak.

 

What I am betting is that she did not tell him she would have slept with her ex boss if he had made a move.

 

It is almost impossible to believe that she has not cheated her whole marriage.

 

She does not love him or find him attractive in the least. I am not really sure why she wants to be married to him unless it is just for status.

She may be sadistic, like a cat playing with a mouse before it kills it.

 

Know one can figure out why he stayed as long as he has, especially with the pity sex situation, but some guys are just that weak and it really takes a while for them to wake up.

 

If this thread is for real and our mods tell us that we have to assume that it is true, it is some of the worst torture that I have ever seen a woman put a man through.

[CatMinx]

Well from what I gather from the OP is she cheated before they got married and has been faithful since then. Maybe I missed something there. The main problem is she has been very selfish and takes her husband for granted.

 

So I am trying to offer some encouragement on how to help her husband recover from this as the work to fix things is 100% her job.

 

She has not been faithful since. She was engaged in an emotional affair with her ex boss, and would delete his texts so her husband couldn’t see them, which he was aware of and she refused to stop doing even after he told her he was uncomfortable, not to mention rejecting her husbands offers to go out to lunch with him in order to have secret lunches with the other man. She admitted to wanting to sleep with the ex boss as well, and would have had he offered.

 

She also neglected her husband and kids in order to go out drinking with her friends (which is fine once in a while but not if you don’t spend any time with your family), and without so much as a phone call or a text to let them know where she was or when she’d be home.

 

She lied to him about the original affair too, telling him it was a one time thing when it was actually a full blown long term affair.

 

She removed her wedding rings (but threw a fit when he did the same, and refused to put them back on when he asked and offered to do the same).

 

And her selfishness, unwillingness to have sex with him, and petulance are just the cherries on top of this cake.

 

So yes, you missed a few things. She only just seems to be sort of starting to get what she’s done wrong, but it very well could be too little too late.

[happyhusband0005]

She has not been faithful since. She was engaged in an emotional affair with her ex boss, and would delete his texts so her husband couldn’t see them, which he was aware of and she refused to stop doing even after he told her he was uncomfortable, not to mention rejecting her husbands offers to go out to lunch with him in order to have secret lunches with the other man. She admitted to wanting to sleep with the ex boss as well, and would have had he offered.

 

She also neglected her husband and kids in order to go out drinking with her friends (which is fine once in a while but not if you don’t spend any time with your family), and without so much as a phone call or a text to let them know where she was or when she’d be home.

 

She lied to him about the original affair too, telling him it was a one time thing when it was actually a full blown long term affair.

 

She removed her wedding rings (but threw a fit when he did the same, and refused to put them back on when he asked and offered to do the same).

 

And her selfishness, unwillingness to have sex with him, and petulance are just the cherries on top of this cake.

 

So yes, you missed a few things. She only just seems to be sort of starting to get what she’s done wrong, but it very well could be too little too late.

 

Yep I caught most of that except the thing about the rings. The point is OK what now. Are you saying she should leave him?

 

Or should she accept her responsibility to fix this. My advice is she needs to fix it through proving to her husband that she wants him. I think her husband has her number quite well and "fooled around" with the bar fly as a calculated risk to make her realize he was seen as desirable by other women if not by her.

 

Her being open with him about everything is the first step. She should be willing to be open and honest about every little thing he asks about. At this point he should do the same. She should defer to his emotions and accept she was the cause of this over a long time. It seems like she wants to repair this I encourage her to try.

 

This is very toxic and Steph is going to need to start making some serious gestures of remorse and commitment to improving with him if there is any hope.

 

When kids are involved both should be willing to fight like hell to save/repair things.

[happyhusband0005]

As intelligent as you appear to be and by your writing style... being as articulate as it is, you may want to re-read some of it if you want to.

 

She more than cheated before they were married. She cheated while engaged, with a stud that did now want to be with her, so she married beta boy, aka Husband.

 

She lied about the extent of the affair in order to keep him, why I am not sure she knows.

 

He was weak to take her back, typical story. She swears she has not cheated since she was married, which none of use believe for a half a second. She put him on a pity sex diet of once every two or three months.

 

Why he stayed is anyone's guess. Lack of confidence, sexual insecurity, who really knows.

 

Every action she has taken in the marriage is right out of the cheaters hand book. She trickle truths even people on the internet as well as her husband.

 

He finally got tired of her behavior, suspected the truth about the affair the whole time, she finally admitted it to him the day before the poly.

 

I suspect that his balls finally grew in, and he is about to divorce her. I would not be surprised if he presents her with divorce papers this weak.

 

What I am betting is that she did not tell him she would have slept with her ex boss if he had made a move.

 

It is almost impossible to believe that she has not cheated her whole marriage.

 

She does not love him or find him attractive in the least. I am not really sure why she wants to be married to him unless it is just for status.

She may be sadistic, like a cat playing with a mouse before it kills it.

 

Know one can figure out why he stayed as long as he has, especially with the pity sex situation, but some guys are just that weak and it really takes a while for them to wake up.

 

If this thread is for real and our mods tell us that we have to assume that it is true, it is some of the worst torture that I have ever seen a woman put a man through.

 

I don't disagree with anything you've said here I guess I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt that she wants to improve the situation but lacks the ability to put herself last and focus on earning his forgiveness and trust.

 

Would he be justified if he left her, yes, why hasn't he, probably the fact kids are involved.

 

Will they survive this? Probably not, but if she is saying she wants to somehow save this she needs to be the one to prove herself.

 

She needs to surrender, get her own counseling to deal with her narcissism, beg his forgiveness, bang his brains out for hours at a time whatever it takes.

IF SHE TRULY WANTS TO SAVE IT.

 

I have a prediction for how this will end but I'll keep that to myself.

[BarbedFenceRider]

So, Steph....did your counselor mention narcissism or cluster b type personality with you? What type of growth in personal responsibility are you looking at in the coming years concerning relationships and such?

 

Also, was your father ever mentioned? I would like to find out what the history is with him as well....

 

Also, for the sex part....Do you still not want sex? Or are you stimulated again and want a healthy sex life...With or without your BH is pointless right now.

 

As for the 20lb issue....I cannot wait till you turn 40! ROFL...Good luck with the not adding 20lbs on! Ageing is a female dog and it escapes NO ONE. I hope you find some reality and learn to find other attributes worthy in a partner than just some hangups on love handles and a paunch...

 

As for your BH...I still think the 180 worked...TO WELL. But miracles happen and hopefully you find love and compassion again. But I wouldn't bet on it.