Would like to get a Man's POV - Husband Acting Strange

[Just a Guy]

Hi Happy husband, the point is that it is now not up to her to be able to do anything to save the marriage now. The ball is not in her court. It is up to her husband to decide whether he wants to continue in this marriage and by all accounts he has mostly left the room as they say. He may be waiting for her to just do one more thing wrong and he will be out. At least that is the way I see it. Nest wishes.

[georgia girl]

Unfortunately, by not coming clean last night about the ex-boss, I am afraid another bombshell likely dropped today. I am sure OP was trying to protect herself and mitigate the situation, but if it does come out today after lying about it last night, it could be curtains. That’s the problem when someone gives you the opportunity to be honest. If you don’t engage in the whole truth, you end up looking even more deceitful. And it’s likely that her husband already knows the extent with the ex-boss as he talked to his wife. So OP had nothing to gain and everything to low by not being honest. Will be interested to hear as well.

[steph1980nyc]

So the polygraphs were performed early this morning - my husband took his first. I had 4 key questions I wanted answered but they seem to add their own random questions from what I could overhear:

 

1) Have you ever cheated on me - his answer was yes, during qualification he stated it occurred about a week ago and that I was aware of it. - No deception was the result.

 

2) Have you had intercourse with someone other than your spouse? his answer was no, No deception was the result.

 

3) Have you fantasized about other women - his answer was yes, no deception was the result.

 

4) Have you contemplated leaving the marriage - his answer was yes, no deception was the result.

 

5) They added random (control?) questions - like if he was who he said he was, if he was born where he said he was, etc.

He basically aced his poly graph.

 

I can't remember all the questions he asked me there were many more - I got all of them right but two:

 

1) Have you contemplated having another affair - No, likely deceptive was the result.

 

2) Have you been completely honest in your affair your husband is aware of - I said yes, but somehow it came back with likely deceptive answer. During the detailed conversation I tried to explain why it was coming back that way but the facilitator of the polygraph would not change the result.

 

My husband saw the results, shed a few tears and refused to let me touch him or talk to him...he said we're done. He can't tolerate another minute of this and he left the room. I got a text message from him saying "I gave you every opportunity in the world and you clearly don't respect me or this marriage and I am DONE - you'll hear from my atty soon".

 

Apparently he decided to take the day off work since his briefcase is still here as his laptop. He won't answer my calls or my text messages.

 

I feel he could have let me explain why the results may not be correct - I tried to avoid all this drama last night. Its clearly too far gone at this point - he'll never trust what I say. I'm afraid he won't partner with me to undo this marriage if that's truly what he wants....I think he'll come in arms swinging and the only people that win are the attorneys. This really has spiraled out of control - just at a loss for words. Anyway - I think this is my last update in this novel...sounds like $h*t is going to get real soon.

 

I appreciate everyone's input - I do love him, I don't want to lose him to another person but apparently I have no control in that matter.

[BarbedFenceRider]

My condolences...I am not here now to pile on you. But just to grieve what is lost. And I am sorry.

 

Please continue seeking counseling and continue to hang around here on LS. I have found it very therapeutic and calming knowing that others can relate and listen....

 

God bless Steph. Hopefully, you two can learn to Co-parent for your child and be the best for them..And give them the opportunity you two obviously never had.

[georgia girl]

Steph,

 

I was afraid of this. By not admitting to the ex-boss, you set yourself up for this. I also don’t think you came fully clean about the affair.

 

What your husband gathered from all of this is that you lied about the one affair and you were willing to have another. Why would he want to be in a relationship where his partner is clearly not committed to him.

 

It’s over. Unfortunately, I think your default position of half-truths ultimately did in your marriage. Please learn from this. Continue in counseling to understand why honesty and fidelity matter and how they are the bedrock of most relationships. Learn to accept your role in breaking up your marriage. My take is you never really wanted him but he represented stability and a lifestyle you wanted. For now, stay single until you can a true partner and focus on being a great mom. Good luck.

[BluesPower]

So the polygraphs were performed early this morning - my husband took his first. I had 4 key questions I wanted answered but they seem to add their own random questions from what I could overhear:

 

1) Have you ever cheated on me - his answer was yes, during qualification he stated it occurred about a week ago and that I was aware of it. - No deception was the result.

 

2) Have you had intercourse with someone other than your spouse? his answer was no, No deception was the result.

 

3) Have you fantasized about other women - his answer was yes, no deception was the result.

 

4) Have you contemplated leaving the marriage - his answer was yes, no deception was the result.

 

5) They added random (control?) questions - like if he was who he said he was, if he was born where he said he was, etc.

He basically aced his poly graph.

 

I can't remember all the questions he asked me there were many more - I got all of them right but two:

 

1) Have you contemplated having another affair - No, likely deceptive was the result.

 

2) Have you been completely honest in your affair your husband is aware of - I said yes, but somehow it came back with likely deceptive answer. During the detailed conversation I tried to explain why it was coming back that way but the facilitator of the polygraph would not change the result.

 

My husband saw the results, shed a few tears and refused to let me touch him or talk to him...he said we're done. He can't tolerate another minute of this and he left the room. I got a text message from him saying "I gave you every opportunity in the world and you clearly don't respect me or this marriage and I am DONE - you'll hear from my atty soon".

 

Apparently he decided to take the day off work since his briefcase is still here as his laptop. He won't answer my calls or my text messages.

 

I feel he could have let me explain why the results may not be correct - I tried to avoid all this drama last night. Its clearly too far gone at this point - he'll never trust what I say. I'm afraid he won't partner with me to undo this marriage if that's truly what he wants....I think he'll come in arms swinging and the only people that win are the attorneys. This really has spiraled out of control - just at a loss for words. Anyway - I think this is my last update in this novel...sounds like $h*t is going to get real soon.

 

I appreciate everyone's input - I do love him, I don't want to lose him to another person but apparently I have no control in that matter.

 

Well... you new it was coming. Even now though, bless your heart, you cannot accept responsibility for what you have done.

 

You did accomplish one thing, I am now officially sorry for you.

 

I am happy for your husband, but I am genuinely sorry for you.

 

I really hope that you can learn from all of this, and maybe be a great wife for someone else later in life.

 

I don't know if it is possible, but I really hope you can learn something from your first marriage. And later find a way to be happy in life without hurting someone else.

 

I wish you the best steph...

[Just a Guy]

Hi Steph, I am really sorry it went down the way it did. I really wish you had opened your eyes when you had the opportunity and there was still some possibility for coming back from the brink. Sadly, you kept missing your cues and it has had to come to this. Whatever has come to pass should be an eye opener for you and even if this marriage ends, work on yourself to ensure your next relationship is ironclad. Best wishes.

[Maraud3r]

1) Have you contemplated having another affair - No, likely deceptive was the result.

Why was your answer no though. You admitted you would have had another affair if certain men such as your ex boss would have wanted it.

 

2) Have you been completely honest in your affair your husband is aware of - I said yes, but somehow it came back with likely deceptive answer. During the detailed conversation I tried to explain why it was coming back that way but the facilitator of the polygraph would not change the result.

Of course not, because you weren't. You know this, we know this and now your husband does too. You "telling them why" is making up excuses. Something you're wholly aware of, no?

I feel he could have let me explain why the results may not be correct - I tried to avoid all this drama last night. Its clearly too far gone at this point - he'll never trust what I say.

And he shouldn't. That's the issue here. He shouldn't trust what you are saying because you admitted to us after many excuses and deceptions that ultimatively you were dishonest about your affair and would have gone for affairs of other men would have been interested.

 

At this point, this feels like you aren't admitting any of this even to yourself?

 

I do love him

No, no you don't. That's the only thing I am 100% certain by now. You do not and likely have never loved your husband.

 

I don't want to lose him to another person but apparently I have no control in that matter.

This is verifiably untrue. You had ALL the control and ALL the choices. Every single last thing here is a consequence of your actions. Having an affair was within your control, engaging in more sex within that affair than in years with your husband was within your control, engaging in sexual acts you refused your husband was within your control, lying about it was within your control, completely neglecting your husband for years was within your control, lying and deleting text messages was within your control, actively seeking for affair partnrs was within your control.

 

You were in complete control of every single last step of all of this up untill a few months ago when your husband finally had enough and took the reins. Now you are out of control (in more ways than one).

[BluesPower]

Why was your answer no though. You admitted you would have had another affair if certain men such as your ex boss would have wanted it.

 

You were in complete control of every single last step of all of this up untill a few months ago when your husband finally had enough and took the reins. Now you are out of control (in more ways than one).

 

Good post. But let's face it guys, she will never ever get it.

 

She is probably convincing herself right now how it is his fault...

[GoldenR]

I'm afraid he won't partner with me to undo this marriage if that's truly what he wants....I think he'll come in arms swinging and the only people that win are the attorneys.

 

And this right here sums up this entire thread as well as your marriage. You went straight to talking about divorce costs and being amicable. You're just like, "oh? I failed? Divorce? Ok, sure, whatever floats your boat. Let's be nice, though, ok? Pleeeease?".

 

Cold, emotionless, no love....that's what we all see.

[georgia girl]

I found it interesting that she really believed he should have let her explain. Like, she really thought that was unfair? What do you expect when you lie to someone for years? That when faced with the evidence of your deception, the person you lied to should give you (at least) one more chance to tell the truth? And I suspect that even if given that chance - and I don’t blame her husband one bit for walking out and not giving her an audience - would she have really told the truth? Or just lied more with a few half-truths again so he could drive himself even more crazy trying to figure out what was the truth and what was not. And, for the love of all that is holy, why would he even remotely believe anything she said now?

 

Steph, don’t blame him or his attorney if he comes out swinging. This guy has every reason to want to exact some vengeance in terms of a divorce settlement. It’s the only chance he has to even things up after years of patent unfairness. This is called just desserts. I do feel sorry for you because even now you won’t get it and in the retelling of your story, you are going to make yourself the victim. Unfortunately, all that does is set you up for a lifetime of more failures like this. Until you can embrace honesty and fairness, you will experience short-term gain and continuous long-term loss.

[CommittedToThis]

1) Have you contemplated having another affair - No, likely deceptive was the result.

 

You said earlier you would have had an affair with your ex boss, therefore you lied and the polygraph caught it, which leads to:

 

2) Have you been completely honest in your affair your husband is aware of - I said yes, but somehow it came back with likely deceptive answer.

 

Since the one time everyone agrees you lied came back deceptive, it stands to reason that you are lying about question #2.

 

I agree with others who recommend sticking around LS, there's a lot of great advice that, hopefully, you will buck all trends and actually follow.

[JDJ]

[quote=steph1980nyc;7562159

I can't remember all the questions he asked me there were many more - I got all of them right but two:

 

1) Have you contemplated having another affair - No, likely deceptive was the result.

 

2) Have you been completely honest in your affair your husband is aware of - I said yes, but somehow it came back with likely deceptive answer. During the detailed conversation I tried to explain why it was coming back that way but the facilitator of the polygraph would not change the result.

 

 

Quite amazing. You don't get questions "right" on a polygraph. The whole point is not to lie. Steph's own posts here show that her answers to 1 and 2 are lies, just as the polygraph indicated. Her husband was primarily after one thing, an end to the lies. But Steph did not give that to him. She needs to seek some help if she really cannot control her actions or her lies.

[BaileyB]

I'm really sorry Steph.

 

I would suggest that you shift your focus now to your children, to make the separation as amicable as possible and minimize the disruption to their lives.

 

I would also encourage you to continue with individual counselling for two reasons - it will help you to cope during the separation and it may give you important insights into what YOU have done to contribute to the end of your marriage... such that you can learn from this and be a better partner in your next relationship.

 

Take care.

[BettyDraper]

This is undoubtedly very painful but I think both of you are better off without each other.

I hope that this marriage taught you many lessons about how to respect those you claim to love. Keep on seeing a therapist.

 

My thoughts are with your husband and children. May they heal the emotional trauma which was inflicted on them.

I wish your husband and children all the strength and love in the world.

 

Now that you're going to be a single mother, I'm going to strongly suggest cutting back on GNOs.

Your children will need your attention now more than ever and you have to make up for all of the time you spent away from then.

[sandylee1]

I'm sorry it turned out this way. You should have answered the question about whether you'd thought if an affair.

 

I also wonder about your choice of words with "got thrm right "

 

You can't change the past...I hope you can coparent well. There is support on the separation and divorce thread.

 

I wish all of you well. Don't let this ruin the rest of your life. You can find happiness in the future with someone else.

 

You have learnt a lot through this whole situation.

[georgia girl]

I suspect when Steph’s husband went away this weekend, he spent a lot of time trying to prepare for what he heard today but I suspect it was still a shock.

[BaileyB]

It's hard to understand why you wouldn't just be honest while taking a polygraph test.

 

Agreed! When I read that she had answered "No" to the question about whether she had ever considered having another affair, I hit my hand to my forehead because she had just told us in one of her more recent posts that she would have had an affair with her boss, had he shown taken it further.

 

My thought, I think that Steph lies to herself as much as she lies to her husband. She tends to deal in half truths and often twists things to suit her own purpose. Whether this is purposeful or not, we can debate. I'm not even sure that she is aware that she is doing this. How could you have any kind of self awareness yet answer the question "have you ever considered" dishonestly, only to be surprised by the result! I wonder if perhaps the only person more surprised by this turn of events than her husband is Steph herself... because she believes herself to be "truthful" when in fact, she continues to offer half truths and try to defend her actions.

 

Which is why I would say that although your eyes have been opened and you have learned some from this whole experience, you have more learning to do. Your experience with the polygraph proves that...

Edited March 20, 2018 by BaileyB

[georgia girl]

I am not sure that Steph really got the memo that this was serious and likely her last chance to come clean and save her marriage. Why on earth would she lie?

[sandylee1]

And how Steph's husband must have felt hearing she'd thought about an affair (by virtue of the deceit shown in answering that question), yet you gave him the bare minimum of sex.

 

To him that's a clear indication that you didn't find him sexually attractive. That's a big hit to his ego...and I'm sure he feels rather emasculated by it all.... knowing it's not that you don't like /want sex...You just don't want it with him.

[BluesPower]

Which is why I would say that although your eyes have been opened and you have learned some from this whole experience, you have more learning to do. Your experience with the polygraph proves that...

 

I really wonder...Bailey, I really do. Is it possible for someone to be able to read and write, be fairly articulate, and write in complete sentences....is it possible for someone to really be as clueless as this woman appears to be?

 

It that really possible. Realize that even her weak husband finally figured it out after what 6 or 7 years.

 

For example, if she was a drug addict or alcoholic like my Ex W, I might could understand the lack of emotional maturity, maybe.

 

But this one, I just really cannot wrap my head around it...

[Yomachi]

I wonder if perhaps the only person more surprised by this turn of events than her husband is Steph herself... because she believes herself to be "truthful" when in fact, she continues to offer half truths and try to defend her actions. Perhaps I am wrong, but I don't see her as being malicious, as other may... I see her as being self-centred, entitled, and rather clueless as to how her behavior affects those around her.

 

That's what's odd though: I'd have expected her to ace the polygraph, since I expected her to believe herself.

 

Like Bill Clinton who would've passed a polygraph that he didn't have sexual relations with Monica - as he defined sexual relations as strictly PiV sex.

 

Somehow Steph knew her answers were wrong, which meant her blood pressured spiked as registered by the polygraph. That takes some modicum of self awareness.

 

Of course, if you're anxious even if you're speaking the truth because you fear the polygraph will tell you're lying at some question where you're not - the polygraph will tell you're lying.

 

Polygraphs are ****, and generally only good as an intimidation tool.

[Timshel]

Agree BaileyB. Furthermore, Steph, you seem to be living out what marriage is superficially represented. Either by environment or childhood role model.

 

It's as though you have bought into a belief that marriage is a game and the spouse is not to be taken seriously, rather pacified/humored. Like an advertisement/show on tv where the wife rolls her eyes when her husband speaks. A parody of marriage. That this is common and everyone does this and what is the problem?

 

I have met women with this disposition toward marriage...a person does not marry for love and has an attitude that all parties are on the same game.

 

That marriage is a cooperation/partnership is something that you don't seem to grasp Steph.

 

Even in your last post you stated that it was concerning not that you lost your husband but that someone else would have him.

 

As others have said, stay in therapy and please do attempt to be fair in divorce. You will need to look out for your kids and protect them from as much confusion and pain as possible.

 

An amicable divorce is best for the kids.

[Timshel]

I really wonder...Bailey, I really do. Is it possible for someone to be able to read and write, be fairly articulate, and write in complete sentences....is it possible for someone to really be as clueless as this woman appears to be?

 

It that really possible. Realize that even her weak husband finally figured it out after what 6 or 7 years.

 

For example, if she was a drug addict or alcoholic like my Ex W, I might could understand the lack of emotional maturity, maybe.

 

But this one, I just really cannot wrap my head around it...

 

It's the old 'ball and chain' in reverse.

 

Umm....remember that.

[BaileyB]

I really wonder...Bailey, I really do. Is it possible for someone to be able to read and write, be fairly articulate, and write in complete sentences....is it possible for someone to really be as clueless as this woman appears to be?

 

I believe so... I agree with Timshel that Steph was living what she thought marriage should be. To anyone on the outside looking in, it would seem to be an ideal marriage. And yet, we have a woman who does not know what it is to trust, to be vulnerable, to give, and to accountable to her husband. She hasn't said much, but we know that her primary relationship is with her father. I can well imagine that she hasn't had a good role model to show her what it is to be a wife, a mother, a partner in a marriage and a leader in a family. Which is why, continued counselling is in order...

 

Steph - don't let this experience be for nothing. I hope you learn from this, grow as a person, as a mother, as a future partner. Best wishes.