Would like to get a Man's POV - Husband Acting Strange

[steph1980nyc]

Maybe I need to open this in the other forum area - not sure.

 

Just finally pulled myself together to post this....got a phone call from a woman lawyer (attorney? not sure of the difference) claiming to represent my husband and boy did she sound like a B. She asked if I had secured counsel? I think that means if I have my own lawyer?

 

I was hoping this lawyer would be able to represent us both or mediate and avoid divorce? Never been here so I don't know the process but again, I want to avoid it.

 

I told her, I want to avoid divorce and her response was "oh dear, that ship set sail already".

 

I told her I don't have my own representation and don't plan to - so she said I'm contesting it?

 

Does that mean I can hopefully work to avoid a divorce? I googled it and it's not real clear to me but it sounds like it can be used to slow things down and hopefully reopen communication?

 

The attorney advised me not to contact my husband directly at his request and strongly urged me to get professional representation.

 

When my husband got back home, he had boxes with him he got from U-Haul - I strongly suspect he's going to try to pack stuff tonight or tomorrow when I'm at work. I tried to talk to him and he said don't bother - I overheard him in the other room asking about lease specials....I think he's moving =( I don't want him packing anything and I certainly don't want it done without me here.

 

It takes two to communicate and he won't do it - how are we supposed to work this out if he won't communicate. What good is it to go through a 3rd party and now this is another unnecessary expense. Btw, he reiterated he wanted DNA testing and he'd get it done one way or the other and that he was going to nail me to the wall with the poly results and his lawyer. This talk is not like him at all, this is not his personality.

 

How can a person just flip a switch and go from decent and somewhat caring to mean and nasty. I was going to go out this weekend and try to relax but clearly that won't happen. One of my friends suggests I get a private investigator again to see what he's up to when I'm at work, if he's moving and where and what he may be up to. Apparently it helped her when she went through a divorce. I'm not convinced yet it's going to be a divorce...I hope it's all posturing - I want this to work why can't he see that! I just want someone who loves me, he did and has my heart this is not fair.

Edited March 20, 2018 by steph1980nyc

[CommittedToThis]

I just want someone who loves me, he did and has my heart this is not fair.

 

Love has to be earned and reciprocated, Steph. You didn't do that. You might find another person to love you but if you don't love them back the same thing is going to happen.

 

I was going to go out this weekend and try to relax but clearly that won't happen.

 

Save the partying until after your divorce, you'll have all the time in the world to relax then.

[CatMinx]

So the polygraphs were performed early this morning - my husband took his first. I had 4 key questions I wanted answered but they seem to add their own random questions from what I could overhear:

 

1) Have you ever cheated on me - his answer was yes, during qualification he stated it occurred about a week ago and that I was aware of it. - No deception was the result.

 

2) Have you had intercourse with someone other than your spouse? his answer was no, No deception was the result.

 

3) Have you fantasized about other women - his answer was yes, no deception was the result.

 

4) Have you contemplated leaving the marriage - his answer was yes, no deception was the result.

 

5) They added random (control?) questions - like if he was who he said he was, if he was born where he said he was, etc.

He basically aced his poly graph.

 

I can't remember all the questions he asked me there were many more - I got all of them right but two:

 

1) Have you contemplated having another affair - No, likely deceptive was the result.

 

2) Have you been completely honest in your affair your husband is aware of - I said yes, but somehow it came back with likely deceptive answer. During the detailed conversation I tried to explain why it was coming back that way but the facilitator of the polygraph would not change the result.

 

My husband saw the results, shed a few tears and refused to let me touch him or talk to him...he said we're done. He can't tolerate another minute of this and he left the room. I got a text message from him saying "I gave you every opportunity in the world and you clearly don't respect me or this marriage and I am DONE - you'll hear from my atty soon".

 

Apparently he decided to take the day off work since his briefcase is still here as his laptop. He won't answer my calls or my text messages.

 

I feel he could have let me explain why the results may not be correct - I tried to avoid all this drama last night. Its clearly too far gone at this point - he'll never trust what I say. I'm afraid he won't partner with me to undo this marriage if that's truly what he wants....I think he'll come in arms swinging and the only people that win are the attorneys. This really has spiraled out of control - just at a loss for words. Anyway - I think this is my last update in this novel...sounds like $h*t is going to get real soon.

 

I appreciate everyone's input - I do love him, I don't want to lose him to another person but apparently I have no control in that matter.

 

You’re not losing him to another person, you’re losing him because of your own lack of respect for your marriage.

 

Best of luck to you Steph, I hope for a quick and amicable divorce and I hope you’ve learned a thing or two from this.

[CatMinx]

Maybe I need to open this in the other forum area - not sure.

 

Just finally pulled myself together to post this....got a phone call from a woman lawyer (attorney? not sure of the difference) claiming to represent my husband and boy did she sound like a B. She asked if I had secured counsel? I think that means if I have my own lawyer?

 

I was hoping this lawyer would be able to represent us both or mediate and avoid divorce? Never been here so I don't know the process but again, I want to avoid it.

 

I told her, I want to avoid divorce and her response was "oh dear, that ship set sail already".

 

I told her I don't have my own representation and don't plan to - so she said I'm contesting it?

 

Does that mean I can hopefully work to avoid a divorce? I googled it and it's not real clear to me but it sounds like it can be used to slow things down and hopefully reopen communication?

 

The attorney advised me not to contact my husband directly at his request and strongly urged me to get professional representation.

 

When my husband got back home, he had boxes with him he got from U-Haul - I strongly suspect he's going to try to pack stuff tonight or tomorrow when I'm at work. I tried to talk to him and he said don't bother - I overheard him in the other room asking about lease specials....I think he's moving =( I don't want him packing anything and I certainly don't want it done without me here.

 

It takes two to communicate and he won't do it - how are we supposed to work this out if he won't communicate. What good is it to go through a 3rd party and now this is another unnecessary expense. Btw, he reiterated he wanted DNA testing and he'd get it done one way or the other and that he was going to nail me to the wall with the poly results and his lawyer. This talk is not like him at all, this is not his personality.

 

How can a person just flip a switch and go from decent and somewhat caring to mean and nasty. I was going to go out this weekend and try to relax but clearly that won't happen. One of my friends suggests I get a private investigator again to see what he's up to when I'm at work, if he's moving and where and what he may be up to. Apparently it helped her when she went through a divorce. I'm not convinced yet it's going to be a divorce...I hope it's all posturing - I want this to work why can't he see that! I just want someone who loves me, he did and has my heart this is not fair.

 

Dragging your feet, costing him more time, money and heartache, and stalking him are not going to win you any favor from him. Leave him alone and let him cool off before you do anything at all.

[basil67]

Just finally pulled myself together to post this....got a phone call from a woman lawyer (attorney? not sure of the difference) claiming to represent my husband and boy did she sound like a B. She asked if I had secured counsel? I think that means if I have my own lawyer?

 

Yes, she was asking you if you have your own lawyer. And no, she's not a B - She's there to look after your husband's interests, not yours.

 

I was hoping this lawyer would be able to represent us both or mediate and avoid divorce? Never been here so I don't know the process but again, I want to avoid it.

 

One lawyer can't look after the interests of both parties. You need your own lawyer. And she hasn't been hired to mediate - she's been hired to divorce. There is no avoiding this

 

I told her, I want to avoid divorce and her response was "oh dear, that ship set sail already".

 

Yep, your husband is fed up and has left.

 

I told her I don't have my own representation and don't plan to - so she said I'm contesting it?

 

Given that you aren't getting a lawyer, I think she was actually asking if you're not going to contest it. As in, just give him whatever he asks for.

 

Does that mean I can hopefully work to avoid a divorce? I googled it and it's not real clear to me but it sounds like it can be used to slow things down and hopefully reopen communication?

 

If he wants a divorce, you cannot avoid it. He will not be reopening communication as he's done with you.

 

The attorney advised me not to contact my husband directly at his request and strongly urged me to get professional representation.

 

Very wise advice.

 

When my husband got back home, he had boxes with him he got from U-Haul - I strongly suspect he's going to try to pack stuff tonight or tomorrow when I'm at work. I tried to talk to him and he said don't bother - I overheard him in the other room asking about lease specials....I think he's moving =( I don't want him packing anything and I certainly don't want it done without me here.

 

What you want isn't going to happen. So, best to get used to the idea that he's going.

 

It takes two to communicate and he won't do it - how are we supposed to work this out if he won't communicate.

 

Last time you communicated, it was while you were lying in a polygraph. Why would he bother to keep trying?

 

What good is it to go through a 3rd party and now this is another unnecessary expense. Btw, he reiterated he wanted DNA testing and he'd get it done one way or the other and that he was going to nail me to the wall with the poly results and his lawyer. This talk is not like him at all, this is not his personality.

 

This expense is a necessary part of divorce. A divorce which you drove him towards. Yes, he's changed - he's stopped being nice to you because he has now lost all respect for you.

 

How can a person just flip a switch and go from decent and somewhat caring to mean and nasty. .....I'm not convinced yet it's going to be a divorce...I hope it's all posturing - I want this to work why can't he see that! I just want someone who loves me, he did and has my heart this is not fair.

 

When you treat someone badly enough, they will eventually snap and do a 180 in attitude towards you. I think most of us are only surprised that it took him this long.

 

If you really wanted it to work, you would have gotten your behaviour in check years ago. If you want to talk fairness, then think about how unfairly you've treated him for so long. .

 

It's all over now. I would even go as far as saying that he now hates you. Get a lawyer of your own.

[RecentChange]

First, I am not an attorney and this is not legal advice! (there, that part done)

 

Just finally pulled myself together to post this....got a phone call from a woman lawyer (attorney? not sure of the difference) claiming to represent my husband and boy did she sound like a B. She asked if I had secured counsel? I think that means if I have my own lawyer?

 

Yes, Attorney / Lawyer / Legal Counsel - all the same thing.

 

I was hoping this lawyer would be able to represent us both or mediate and avoid divorce? Never been here so I don't know the process but again, I want to avoid it.

 

Nope, he has hired her as HIS counsel. He is suing you for divorce. She can't represent you, it would be a conflict of interest.

 

Sounds like this is past mediation - I don't think it sounds like your husband is willing to take that route.

 

I told her, I want to avoid divorce and her response was "oh dear, that ship set sail already".

 

I am sure her client, your soon to be ex-husband told her this is proceeding to divorce, period.

 

I told her I don't have my own representation and don't plan to - so she said I'm contesting it?

 

Contesting or Consenting? If you were contesting... that means you are not going along with the terms that they request for the divorce - usually that would include counsel.

 

If you were consenting - that means you are not getting your own counsel, and just going along with anything he wants.

 

Does that mean I can hopefully work to avoid a divorce? I googled it and it's not real clear to me but it sounds like it can be used to slow things down and hopefully reopen communication?

 

I don't think your husband wants to be married any more, and I am not sure why you want to be married to a man you won't even allow in your bed. But ahh, yeah, you can delay, and probably cause every one more legal and court fees.

 

The attorney advised me not to contact my husband directly at his request and strongly urged me to get professional representation.

 

This sounds like good advice.

 

It takes two to communicate and he won't do it - how are we supposed to work this out if he won't communicate.

 

That is what his, and (your - you should really get one) attorneys are for.

 

What good is it to go through a 3rd party and now this is another unnecessary expense.

 

Because you two can't communicate. You just failed a lie detector test! Communication has totally broken down. Now professionals need to be involved.

 

How can a person just flip a switch and go from decent and somewhat caring to mean and nasty.

 

He hit is limit. Even the sweetest dog will turn and attack if you push them into a corner and they feel mistreated.

 

 

I was going to go out this weekend and try to relax but clearly that won't happen.

 

No honey, relaxing weekends are a thing of the past for the time being. Before he hit you with the attorney - were you really planning to have a relaxing weekend?!!? Where did your husband fit into this. Where you going to take him on a get away and beg on your knees, and spoil him with sex and love? Or....?

 

I'm not convinced yet it's going to be a divorce...I hope it's all posturing - I want this to work why can't he see that! I just want someone who loves me, he did and has my heart this is not fair.

 

Ahh maybe because none of us can see that you want this to work? You won't even stop lying to him!!! Listen, I have had to tell my husband some REALLY bad stuff, horrible shameful things I had done. And I TOLD HIM, even though I thought it would be the end of us. Even though facing the truth made me feel like a pile s****. He deserved the truth, and to make a choice about what he wanted to do with me. And me? I worked hard, really hard to show him that I meant it, that I was repentant. That I loved him and would do whatever it took, whatever he needed me to do.... You have no idea...

 

And he loved you? What about you loving HIM??!?! Him if he was 20 pounds over weight, or 70... where is your unconditional love for your husband? I have seen no evidence of it.

Edited March 20, 2018 by RecentChange

[springy]

It's as if you post, disappear, reappear when you have something to say, don't respond to any of the feedback or questions that have been asked beyond a time or two, and then return to ask questions that have been answered many times.

 

You need to consult your own attorney. Contesting the divorce will only prolong the inevitable and tick him off even further. He does not want to be married anymore. You had more chances than anyone can imagine and you were not able to be honest with him.

 

Either you aren't reading responses, you don't comprehend, or...you only care about what you have to say.

 

Go back to page 1 and review the feedback that has already been given. All those degrees and yet it seems you don't understand anything that is being said here. You have admitted some pretty severe emotional abuses toward him in this thread (and to him!) and still can't understand why he is so angry.

 

All of his suspicions have been confirmed - you gaslighted him for years but he is "woke" now.

[CardsFan01]

I’m not sure I buy this whole story to begin with, but it seems a little fishy to me that his attorney would be contacting her directly, especially this fast. If the story is true, I’m sure he already made up his mind and had the train going down the tracks towards divorce. I’m not an attorney and I haven’t been divorced, but I wouldn’t think his attorney would be contacting her directly. Especially before the petition had been filed and she had been served. I’d think you should want that in place to have a restraining order for issues related to the kids and disposition of marital assets. Are there any attorneys in this thread who can speak to that?

[Agonistes]

Rules of civil procedure stipulate that an attorney may not contact the other party directly if the other party has secured counsel. The attorney most certainly would contact her to see if she is represented by counsel yet and if so get the name of her lawyer so they can know who to contact in matters relating to the case. Ordinarily this type of thing would be done by mail and not a phone call. It stretches my belief a little bit to accept that an attorney called her but I do not know what the rules and practices in her jurisdiction are. Maybe it is accepted there?

[FMW]

Steph, this is really and truly over. You really must get this through your head.

 

I feel so very bad for your children. It seems unlikely given all that's taken place and your inability to see the reality of the situation, but I hope that you make them your priority now and don't make things even harder for them by getting into a war with their father.

 

My ex husband did not retain his own attorney, however we reached agreement as to the division of assets prior to my retaining an attorney and filing. He met with me and my attorney just to understand the process, but before my attorney would even speak about the divorce he had him sign an Affidavit affirming he understood that my attorney represented me only.

 

Given your situation I would find it unlikely you would be able to agree on anything. You need to retain your own attorney.

[BaileyB]

Steph. Take a deep breath. It will be ok.

 

You need to get a lawyer. You need to protect your interests.

 

Then call your dad, or a friend... You need some support. You don't need a PI.

 

It is really, and truly, over. No more talking. No reconciliation. He has decided he is done. It may take two to communicate, but it takes one to divorce.

 

Your husband is angry, really angry. Best to leave him be now. Focus on yourself and take care of your kids.

 

Keep going to counselling. You will need support, for a long time.

 

I'm sorry. The next few weeks and months are going to be really hard for you.

[steph1980nyc]

Thanks everyone - its going to be a long painful road.

 

My dad is coming back into town, I had him call my husband and he told my dad that there's nothing left to discuss and also told my dad to remind me to stop texting and calling him before he gets a restraining order.

 

Restraining order for calling and texting? Never heard of such a thing and I understand he's angry - we will need to communicate for many more years and coordinate about the kids. He's not thinking clearly and I want/need to talk to him but I missed the chance - its not soaked in yet but i'll get a grasp on it sooner or later. Do you think a man would or even could go that route?

 

I remain convinced he was putting all this together over the past few days. One can't secure a lawyer within a few hours - he had that in his back pocket so I was basically wasting time with the poly graph....that or he was going to call off the attorney - no idea.

 

I don't think one can quickly find a spot for their belongings unless its a self storage facility - normally apartment leases take time for credit checks and such so I think he had that in his pocket also but maybe I'm wrong. It doesn't matter now.

 

A poster said it earlier, I didn't have a good relationship (barely one at all) with my mother, my father never remarried. I've always enjoyed my freedom but compromised on several things because I wanted to be married and have a family. Now I got to sort that out - I hope by some pure chance once he gets the DNA results back and it proves what I've said he'll open up more? Again, there's zero doubt the kids are his - I couldn't imagine the heartbreak and pain something like that would cause and he won't feel that from the kids - they are his pure and simple. My dad said that a man sometimes needs reassurances when their world is turned upside down and this will help him so I'll do it. It's offensive but I'll do it for the greater good. I guess I'll have to go through his attorney to get him the information.

 

I still don't want him throwing stuff in boxes when I'm not here to supervise but I've just accepted it. It's material goods and can be replaced and I wouldn't have thought he'd do anything intentionally to make me mad or to wrong me I can't say for sure right now. As I said weeks ago, he hasn't been himself.

 

i read up on this 180 everyone keeps referencing - this seems to be more about getting over someone not salvaging anything. It seems to me he was long gone before he met the bar fly - he was just looking for any shred or reason to eject. Anyway I need to make a list and just sort though all this - luckily I'll have some help doing so both from this board and my dad and friends.

Edited March 21, 2018 by steph1980nyc

[BaileyB]

Thanks everyone - its going to be a long painful road.

 

My dad is coming back into town, I had him call my husband and he told my dad that there's nothing left to discuss and also told my dad to remind me to stop texting and calling him before he gets a restraining order.

 

Restraining order for calling and texting? Never heard of such a thing and I understand he's angry - we will need to communicate for many more years and coordinate about the kids. He's not thinking clearly and I want/need to talk to him but I missed the chance - its not soaked in yet but i'll get a grasp on it sooner or later. Do you think a man would or even could go that route?

 

I remain convinced he was putting all this together over the past few days. One can't secure a lawyer within a few hours - he had that in his back pocket so I was basically wasting time with the poly graph....that or he was going to call off the attorney - no idea.

 

I don't think one can quickly find a spot for their belongings unless its a self storage facility - normally apartment leases take time for credit checks and such so I think he had that in his pocket also but maybe I'm wrong. It doesn't matter now.

 

A poster said it earlier, I didn't have a good relationship (barely one at all) with my mother, my father never remarried. I've always enjoyed my freedom but compromised on several things because I wanted to be married and have a family. Now I got to sort that out - I hope by some pure chance once he gets the DNA results back and it proves what I've said he'll open up more? Again, there's zero doubt the kids are his - I couldn't imagine the heartbreak and pain something like that would cause and he won't feel that from the kids - they are his pure and simple. My dad said that a man sometimes needs reassurances when their world is turned upside down and this will help him so I'll do it. It's offensive but I'll do it for the greater good. I guess I'll have to go through his attorney to get him the information.

 

I still don't want him throwing stuff in boxes when I'm not here to supervise but I've just accepted it. It's material goods and can be replaced and I wouldn't have thought he'd do anything intentionally to make me mad or to wrong me I can't say for sure right now. As I said weeks ago, he hasn't been himself.

 

i read up on this 180 everyone keeps referencing - this seems to be more about getting over someone not salvaging anything. It seems to me he was long gone before he met the bar fly - he was just looking for any shred or reason to eject. Anyway I need to make a list and just sort though all this - luckily I'll have some help doing so both from this board and my dad and friends.

 

Well, it seems you have recovered your composure and rationalized things quickly.

Edited March 21, 2018 by BaileyB

[CatMinx]

It’s unlikely he would’ve called off the attorney had you not lied during the polygraph. It sounds like he’s been wanting out of this miserable marriage for a very long time. Perhaps he plans to use the polygraph as evidence in an asset or custody battle.

 

You still don’t seem to get it. You treated your husband with zero respect, and he’s finally found the jar in which you’ve been keeping his balls and reattached them.

 

Have you learned anything about yourself at all?

[Agonistes]

You absolutely can be restrained from texting and calling. When you know they are unwelcome that consitutes harassment. Your needing to talk is insufficient grounds to harass your STBX.

 

I would advise you to stop texting and calling him at all. Only exception would be a bona fide emergency relating to the kids. And even then keep it to that subject alone.

 

Go through his lawyer. When he realizes that it costs him a bundle to communicate through the attorney he may soften on his no direct communication stance but for right now he is too raw to even talk to you. Give it a month and let him see the statement from his attorney. It may get better.

 

Meantime speak to an attorney asap in order to know your rights. You will get screwed if he is represented and you are not.

[Agonistes]

Maybe the H gets primary custody and the W gets weekends and a hefty child support obligation. There will be plenty of time for GNOs if she can afford them.

[Maraud3r]

Does that mean I can hopefully work to avoid a divorce?

I genuinely doubt it. Then again, I don't understand why you would want to avoid divorce. Are you financially reliant on him, you said you worked yourself?

I don't want him packing anything and I certainly don't want it done without me here.

I'm reasonable certain that at this point what you want is of no concern to him.

It takes two to communicate and he won't do it - how are we supposed to work this out if he won't communicate. What good is it to go through a 3rd party and now this is another unnecessary expense.

Two things:

 

1. You can't work this out, he has no desire to do so anymore and for good reasons.

2. It's not an unnecessary expense, you are being divorced.

 

On the positive side, you now have nobody you're accountable to anymore. Nobody will bother you when you want to go out, when you want to date or meet men. You'll obviously still have the children to deal with but now you have all the freedom you craved without any of the control you loathed.

This talk is not like him at all, this is not his personality.

You knew him as caring and loving husband and father. I.e a complete doormat in your eyes. Now you get to know him as a guy who had enough and will divorce you. Of course this is entirely different.

 

You went from the love of his life and mother of his children, to his soon ex wife who did horrendous things to him. Think how you'd react to an ex boyfriend who lied to you, cheated on you, treated you horrendously. Of course the behaviour changes. Heck for all intents and purposes, you're already single now and only married on paper albeit not for much longer it seems.

 

How can a person just flip a switch and go from decent and somewhat caring to mean and nasty.

Apparently putting them through the wringer for years, betraying their trust, lying to them, the entire affair and sexual practices business and all the other stuff does the trick. Think about it like a nuclear bomb. It's all fine and dandy, till it hits critical mass and blows up. Your relationship has reached critical mass.

 

I was going to go out this weekend and try to relax but clearly that won't happen.

This is a joke, right? This feels like you are refusing to acknowledge that your relationship is over. That this wont go away and he wont just become the chump you knew again. That you are in the process of being divorced and effectively single as of now. He just broke up with you.

 

One of my friends suggests I get a private investigator again to see what he's up to when I'm at work, if he's moving and where and what he may be up to. Apparently it helped her when she went through a divorce.

Given his attorney already contacted you. That he just split from you and the sheer ammount of dirt he has. A PI at this point might just make things worse, heck he could construe it as harassment and stalking especially since his attorney told you to stay clear of him.

I'm not convinced yet it's going to be a divorce...I hope it's all posturing - I want this to work why can't he see that! I just want someone who loves me, he did and has my heart this is not fair.

I'm fairly certain this is a divorce, especially since there's good reasons for it. And as you said you want somebody to love you, you do not necessarily want to love them or treat them with respect. You had that, now you don't. Also I disagree, this is entirely fair. If anything he's rather civil about this. Many if not most guys and girls would have dumped you the moment you had that affair and ejected from the relationship years ago.

[Cullenbohannon]

Threads like these remind me to treat my fiancee better. To be thankful, appreciative and deserving of such. She will be home shortly.

Edited March 21, 2018 by Cullenbohannon

[Yomachi]

So... to sum up:

 

- He wants to do genetic testing, even though you stated in a previous post that when the initial affair came out the children were already genetically tested to be his.

- He started working out at the beginning of March, and already got in way better visible shape. He should patent his training regimen!

- You're getting very harsh feedback, but you're doing nothing with it, but simply keep coming back. It would make more sense to either realize you're a bad person and change, or to stop showing up on LS because you think the feedback is too harsh.

- There's hardly any mention of how the kids react, even though their dad has been completely absent for about a month now.

- Even the most naive person who knows nothing about divorces knows that a divorce lawyer can't represent both parties. How does that even make sense?

 

You also literally tick off all the boxes that people on this board fear, deep down inside. Lack of intemacy / being manipulative / making up vagismus not to have sex with your husband / having done things with your affair partner that you won't do with your husband.

 

I thought your lack of perspective indicated a psychological issue, but I'm pretty sure at this point this 'lack' is deliberately crafted.

Edited March 21, 2018 by Yomachi

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, I get the impression that Steph has a high IQ but a low EQ. Throughout this thread she has displa6ed a singular lack of empathy for her husband and remains guilt free about the manner in which she treated him for years. For all one one knows she may be suffering from BPD or some degree of autism because of her singular lack of emotion in situations which demand it. I thought of autism because she seems to miss the obvious facts staring her in the face and just seems to override them without blinking an eyelid. Just my way of thinking. Best wishes.

[basil67]

Hi Folks, I get the impression that Steph has a high IQ but a low EQ. Throughout this thread she has displa6ed a singular lack of empathy for her husband and remains guilt free about the manner in which she treated him for years. For all one one knows she may be suffering from BPD or some degree of autism because of her singular lack of emotion in situations which demand it. I thought of autism because she seems to miss the obvious facts staring her in the face and just seems to override them without blinking an eyelid. Just my way of thinking. Best wishes.

 

I'm all too familiar with autism and have no idea what trait you're trying to describe. Not to mention that autism is a spectrum requiring a number of traits to even be considered for a dx.

 

You are doing a disservice to people on the spectrum when you throw out half thought out ideas such as this.

[MidlifeMama]

Hi Folks, I get the impression that Steph has a high IQ but a low EQ. Throughout this thread she has displa6ed a singular lack of empathy for her husband and remains guilt free about the manner in which she treated him for years. For all one one knows she may be suffering from BPD or some degree of autism because of her singular lack of emotion in situations which demand it. I thought of autism because she seems to miss the obvious facts staring her in the face and just seems to override them without blinking an eyelid. Just my way of thinking. Best wishes.

 

That's been my thought all along. Maybe never diagnosed on the spectrum? Either that or so self-absorbed that she is unable to see how her actions affected her husband or denial.

"I don't want you but I also don't want anyone else to have you" also comes to mind. I wish her peace and the husband too.

[georgia girl]

The attorney calling also threw me yesterday and made me reconsider the veracity of the story. But, I could see her client - the husband - asking the attorney to call Steph and tell her to stop calling/texting and to get her own attorney.

 

Steph, you need to realize that this is over. There is no fix. Why on earth you lied during the poly no one knows or understands but you. My guess is that he had put the pieces to leave in place but was hoping against hope that the poly would have turned out differently. He wanted the answers you gave to actually be the truth. When you said the right thing but it was a lie, it was over. It was probably 95% likely to be over anyway, but that was the proverbial nail in the coffin.

 

Steph, get to counseling and get an attorney. Leave your husband alone. I think he has a lot of simmering anger and it makes no sense to poke at him while he is angry. There is no good outcome there. Also, consider asking your counselor for a psychological testing referral. There may be some reason why you lack insight into your situation and the testing can help.

 

Good luck.

[40somethingGuy]

Hello -

 

First, I guess I should provide some background and some past activities that could be intruding on the present.

 

Hubby and I have been married 7 years, during the engagement I cheated on him. In time, he forgave and we moved forward. To my knowledge, he remained faithful during that time and I have zero reason to suspect otherwise.

 

My hubby has a professional job but is probably one of the younger folks in the company - his social life is pretty minimal, I've met his friends years ago but most of them moved away and he really hasn't bothered to reconnect with others.

 

As for me, my social life is fairly strong - I typically go out once a week for happy hours with the girls. This seems to always present problems when I return - he's pointed out in the past that I fail to tell the kids I'm going out and will be late, he's made references that I never tell him where i'm going or when I'm going to be home. He is right about those two items, I simply forget. I forgot last week also which is where things seem to have come off the tracks.

 

Next, in the past he asked questions about what I do during my lunch hours - he's tried to have lunch with me in the past but with the commute time and schedules never seems to work out. He asked if I have 1x1 lunches with a member of the opposite sex - which I do. He had an issue with that and said it's strange and he'd never do that. He never asked me not to do it. However, last week I did have lunch with the same person again who is a man - he's my former boss with my previous employer and I use the opportunity to network. My husband asked out of the blue if it was with him and I said it was - and he got upset saying that I should be aware of his feelings on the topic.

 

He also made it known that apparently my laptop was making noises over the past few weeks and he was aware of all the frequent messages that I've been exchanging with my former boss as it was displaying on the laptop. I always delete the messages - just a habit but he noticed the messages would come in be read and then be deleted after they were read while messages from other people remained in my account without being deleted. I told him what he things he saw or what he thinks is occurring here isn't what he believes it to be.

 

For the past week, he's been sleeping in another room and really refuses to talk to me. He showers in the guest bathroom and provides cold quick responses to any questions I ask him. Communication with him remains difficult - he's convinced there is more to the story here. For the past week, for someone that doesn't go out much - he's been apparently going out alone to bars for lunch or dinner - I've found receipts where he's gone to a restaurant/bar and been there for an hour or two apparently. Isn't that strange for a married man to go to a bar ALONE? I see this as being far worse than going to lunch with a member of the opposite sex. When I ask him about it, he says to find something else to talk about - and that I don't respect his wishes and that he's going to keep doing it and since I can't ever provide him with specifics he sees no reason to either. He's made reference to going out to lunch with a female coworker - I don't believe he'd do that it's out of his character. I've also noticed over the past week that he's been more focused on his diet and starting to get more physically active. Which is also something out of his character.

 

Anyways, I don't want to sever connections with my former boss as he's been my mentor and has a lot of connections in my profession. Apparently there's no convincing my husband otherwise that it's strictly professional.

 

Thanks for any comments in advance.

 

Have you cheated on him since the engagement? Obviously you were not caught if you did but did you? Men have a gut feeling that can't seem to go away. My guess is that your actions are opening up the wounds he suffered when you cheated on him. And you do show many signs of cheating whether you are doing it or not. You need to be completely transparent and maybe back off on the going out and lunches with the OS. He clearly doesn't trust you and probably is letting you know from his actions that he is preparing for a life without you. He goes to bars alone to think and maybe see if he can line up someone to replace you with.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Basil, sorry I ruffled your feathers. That was not my intention. I don't claim to have any specific knowledge of autism just an average Joe's idea as road put it, of the disorder. As I said in my post it was just my way of thinking about Steph's dilemma. There was no derogatory intent in my post and if one was conveyed inadvertently, then I apologise. I was only trying to place a finger on what seems wrong with Steph's whole manner of thinking and reacting to situations involving her husband. It is like he was speaking to her in English all this while whereas all she was hearing was double dutch and so her responses to him were way off. I confess I know very little about autism and what little I do know has been gathered from magazine articles where concerned parents have written about their child or children suffering from the disorder and how they have struggled to handle it. If you have seen the movie Adam then that too depicts a person afflicted by the disorder and how he and others around him handle it.

 

In any case your point taken. Will avoid making references to ailments and disorders likely to upset people. Warm wishes.