Would like to get a Man's POV - Husband Acting Strange

[Just a Guy]

Hi Fortysomething guy, I guess you came in late. Steph's marriage is over. Her husband is about ready to file for divorce. If you read through her thread you will see that she consistently disrespected her husband for years and in spite of all the advice given to her to correct her ways and her thinking she ignored it all till the end when her husband threw in the towel. Now the ship of reconciliation has sailed. She has to prepare for a life she subconsciously wanted, that of a singleton out and about enjoying her social life. Best wishes.

[Doorstopper]

Steph,

 

If I were you, I would get a Lawyer ASAP, and preemptively file for divorce, before he serves you with divorce papers. This has been a long time coming and much longer than you realize. Your husband didn't go from a doormat to the point he is at now, in a matter of days or weeks. If I had to guess its been months that he's been going to counseling. You were so focused on yourself that you failed to see anything changing.

 

He likely can't "nail you to the wall" and take all the money etc because he also cheated.

 

It really is about you now, not him. Get counseling to understand and change your faults and take the reigns on this divorce proceeding.

 

Its hard, you will suffer for a long time but hopefully you'll come out of this a smarter, more caring person.

 

Good luck

[pheonixrisen]

Steph was almost sorry about the incident that followed after your polly test ...but then you read page 25 and that goes out the window its hard to really empathize with you .

 

Is it fair to you ? Hell ya very fair ....not fair to your very young children and your husband who now have to go through dna testing and your h need to go through the emotional trauma of testing them ...no but thats not fair to you .you basically are a emotional bully hiding behind a pretty face . All you brought to this marriage table is a pile of negative sh#t but hey i am a catch so i am entitled you should just thank god that i married you .

 

You keep ignoring why your h wants another dna test when the children already went through one ...so either you lied about that too or one child has been tested and other not .

 

And while you go through the divorce you might also want to take a good look at your circle of friends i find it very suprising they will rally around for your divorce but did not advice you to stop mistreating your h so that your marriage might be saved .i would think either all of them are divorced or bullies in thier marriages.its no wonder you thought the behaviour is okay when you have a group cheering you on in this manner .

 

I also believe the poly came out with worst things then you let on here .i also believe the affair was not your only sexual encounter outside of your marriage .

 

I would think a woman on her way to divorcing rallies around her children to prepare them for it but really sorry to hear that your gno fun on weekend was spoilt .

 

Get a lawyer .because this guy is now mad enough to sweep the floor with you and i really hope the dna proves the children are his they will have atleast one parent who is emotionally available

[eye of the storm]

Steph, even though you brought this on yourself, I'm sorry. I know you are upset.

 

 

It is often suggested to BSs to lay the ground work for a divorce even while thinking they may reconcile. " You can always stop it. Talk to an attorney, look at apartments"....things like that so if you decide to go ahead, you know your options and you are ready.

 

 

But since you lied on the poly, it sounds like you made up his mind for him. The best thing you can do now is show how sorry you are for treating him and your marriage with such disrespect for all these years.

 

 

Showing him you are sorry is not to save the marriage. It is so hopefully you two can co-parent with less drama. This isn't for you, and it isn't for him, it is for the children.

 

 

But, if you take this advice, it will make your life harder in the short term, but so much better in the long term.

 

 

1. Get your own attorney but inform them you are not going to contest much, if anything. If you don't want to get your own, tell his attorney that you consent to everything.

2. Don't listen to "friends" who are trying to tell you how to get more out of your H. (For example, the PI. Worst case he sees your H doing something with another woman, it won't matter because your H has already set the divorce in motion.) You are the one with dirty hands here, not him. Stop trying to make this about him and his choices. This one is on you.

3. Stop trying to control everything, that is why you got into this mess. Let him pack. If he takes your grandmother's china, tell your attorney you want it back.

4. Stop texting/calling him unless it is something to do with the kids. And don't make up crap about the kids just so you can talk to him.

5. DO NOT try to get the kids on "your" side. He is their father. Just do the "moms and dads sometimes need to live apart to be happy but we both are still your mom and dad and we both still love you" route.

6. If you screw up and spew bitterness in front of them apologize. Tell them your feelings are hurt and sometimes you say bad things when you shouldn't. This teaches them to apologize when they screw up and talking bad about other people is wrong.

7. Stop talking crap about other people, you do not have the high ground. Bar fly? You spend way to much time hanging in a bar without your spouse to throw that term onto another woman. And calling his lawyer a B? Woman is just doing her job. Her job is to take care of him, not you.

8. Be fair with custody, and don't try for alimony. You don't deserve it.

9. When he starts dating, and he will. Be nice about, and to, them. They may be spending a lot of time with your children and you want that to be a healthy and happy relationship. The more people that love your children the better.

10. Stop fighting the divorce. Fighting it will only bring more bitterness to both of you and to your children.

11. Work on the logistics of the divorce with FAIRNESS in mind. Not with winning or losing. You and your H, but most of all your children, have already lost. There are no winners in this. Be fair. If he wants the living room furniture, you keep the bedroom type of fairness. Don't try to soak him. And if your GFs try to give you advice on how to screw him over, remember, screwing him over screws over your children.

 

 

I bolded kids and children so that hopefully you will see that from now on, they are the main considerations you need to keep in mind. Is spending thousands fighting over a furniture worth destroying them?

 

 

You talk about expense a lot. Trust me, being fair even when you have the ability to screw over your STBX is cheaper in both money, time, and emotion.

Edited March 21, 2018 by eye of the storm

[BluesPower]

Steph, even though you brought this on yourself, I'm sorry. I know you are upset.

 

It is often suggested to BSs to lay the ground work for a divorce even while thinking they may reconcile. " You can always stop it. Talk to an attorney, look at apartments"....things like that so if you decide to go ahead, you know your options and you are ready.

 

But since you lied on the poly, it sounds like you made up his mind for him. The best thing you can do now is show how sorry you are for treating him and your marriage with such disrespect for all these years.

 

Showing him you are sorry is not to save the marriage. It is so hopefully you two can co-parent with less drama. This isn't for you, and it isn't for him, it is for the children.

 

But, if you take this advice, it will make your life harder in the short term, but so much better in the long term.

 

1. Get your own attorney but inform them you are not going to contest much, if anything. If you don't want to get your own, tell his attorney that you consent to everything.

2. Don't listen to "friends" who are trying to tell you how to get more out of your H. (For example, the PI. Worst case he sees your H doing something with another woman, it won't matter because your H has already set the divorce in motion.) You are the one with dirty hands here, not him. Stop trying to make this about him and his choices. This one is on you.

3. Stop trying to control everything, that is why you got into this mess. Let him pack. If he takes your grandmother's china, tell your attorney you want it back.

4. Stop texting/calling him unless it is something to do with the kids. And don't make up crap about the kids just so you can talk to him.

5. DO NOT try to get the kids on "your" side. He is their father. Just do the "moms and dads sometimes need to live apart to be happy but we both are still your mom and dad and we both still love you" route.

6. If you screw up and spew bitterness in front of them apologize. Tell them your feelings are hurt and sometimes you say bad things when you shouldn't. This teaches them to apologize when they screw up and talking bad about other people is wrong.

7. Stop talking crap about other people, you do not have the high ground. Bar fly? You spend way to much time hanging in a bar without your spouse to throw that term onto another woman. And calling his lawyer a B? Woman is just doing her job. Her job is to take care of him, not you.

8. Be fair with custody, and don't try for alimony. You don't deserve it.

9. When he starts dating, and he will. Be nice about, and to, them. They may be spending a lot of time with your children and you want that to be a healthy and happy relationship. The more people that love your children the better.

10. Stop fighting the divorce. Fighting it will only bring more bitterness to both of you and to your children.

11. Work on the logistics of the divorce with FAIRNESS in mind. Not with winning or losing. You and your H, but most of all your children, have already lost. There are no winners in this. Be fair. If he wants the living room furniture, you keep the bedroom type of fairness. Don't try to soak him. And if your GFs try to give you advice on how to screw him over, remember, screwing him over screws over your children.

 

I bolded kids and children so that hopefully you will see that from now on, they are the main considerations you need to keep in mind. Is spending thousands fighting over a furniture worth destroying them?

 

You talk about expense a lot. Trust me, being fair even when you have the ability to screw over your STBX is cheaper in both money, time, and emotion.

 

Yes this is great advice... but somehow, I just don't think she will take it.

 

Frankly, I don't think she will ever understand what she has done to her husband and family.

 

While I really cannot understand how she cannot understand, it seems as if she does not...

[steph1980nyc]

So a few questions I've noticed over the past few days I should probably address now that I have more than enough time on my hands:

 

1) The kids are his, but I suspect my husband now has doubts on how the test was conducted. I purchased two kits from a drug store that you spit into a tube/use a swab and mail off for results. He provided his samples, I collected mine and the kids and mailed them off. I suspect he believes I somehow impacted the results. Regardless, I'm going to go through the process again or however he wants to do it.

 

2) I have two kids - I don't bring them up and I don't have them around when these conversations with my husband is occuring. They were either with my father when he was in town, at a sitters or playing at a friends house. I do not want my kids exposed to the tension and stress and shield them from it the best way possible. I certainly don't talk bad about him in front of them. I can only assume he does the same.

 

3) This is my first marriage and my husband's first marriage. My mom was never around, I don't know why exactly. I also am not autistic and have no idea what eIQ is.

 

4) Regarding financials, we make nearly the same amount of money a year - he's is slightly more but not much - usually around $1-3K difference if he gets a bonus or not.

 

5) I wasn't able to pull myself together to go to work today - I did not stay at the house as I know it will just bring more tension. I ended up getting a room at at weekly rate. I did drive by the house and he's certainly boxing stuff up and a moving van is out front. He has someone else there with him but not sure who. As much as I wanted to...I stayed away.

 

6) At some point today I'll need to have the talk with the kids - they are going to obviously figure out something is different with the living arrangements.

 

7) Just given how quickly this has transpired over the past few days I remain convinced he was already moving forward with this approach regardless of the polygraph.

 

8) I have not been served - I don't know if he plans to do that himself or go through the attorney/process server?

 

9) I certainly expect at least 50% custody but don't want to spend the money for an attorney. Perhaps I'll be able to see what he's cooking up and then make up my mind. In the past, he's always been fair but I don't expect that this time around.

 

10) I'm angry, hurt but at this point there's nothing I can do. I'm slowly accepting that. I will go speak to a counselor probably later this week. Marriage is so difficult - I know I didn't help but I do love him, I do love the security of a marriage and I hate being alone. If that's a character flaw then it is what it is but I can admit that.

 

11) Regarding his weight loss and patenting it - He started focusing on his diet last month and really kicked it up a few notches earlier this month - i'd have to say he's probably lost close to the 20 lbs he put on over the years. And yes, 20 lbs may not be a lot but I take care of my physique and was hoping he would more. Eitherway doesn't matter now.

 

Lastly, I don't mean to inflict pain or make things overly difficult but I do want to slow the tempo of this thing down a bit - for me (for various reasons..some selfish I know) and for him. I'd like to have a calm, productive conversation about all this - obviously with no kids around. That's not going to happen anytime soon - I get that but it doesn't mean I don't want to discuss it.

 

Oh yeah - regarding him dating comment - I'd expect him not to bring anyone around the kids for several months. I believe this can be added somewhere from what I've read but I need to look into it more.

Edited March 21, 2018 by steph1980nyc

[BettyDraper]

So a few questions I've noticed over the past few days I should probably address now that I have more than enough time on my hands:

 

1) The kids are his, but I suspect my husband now has doubts on how the test was conducted. I purchased two kits from a drug store that you spit into a tube/use a swab and mail off for results. He provided his samples, I collected mine and the kids and mailed them off. I suspect he believes I somehow impacted the results. Regardless, I'm going to go through the process again or however he wants to do it.

 

2) I have two kids - I don't bring them up and I don't have them around when these conversations with my husband is occuring. They were either with my father when he was in town, at a sitters or playing at a friends house. I do not want my kids exposed to the tension and stress and shield them from it the best way possible. I certainly don't talk bad about him in front of them. I can only assume he does the same.

 

3) This is my first marriage and my husband's first marriage. My mom was never around, I don't know why exactly. I also am not autistic and have no idea what eIQ is.

 

4) Regarding financials, we make nearly the same amount of money a year - he's is slightly more but not much - usually around $1-3K difference if he gets a bonus or not.

 

5) I wasn't able to pull myself together to go to work today - I did not stay at the house as I know it will just bring more tension. I ended up getting a room at at weekly rate. I did drive by the house and he's certainly boxing stuff up and a moving van is out front. He has someone else there with him but not sure who. As much as I wanted to...I stayed away.

 

6) At some point today I'll need to have the talk with the kids - they are going to obviously figure out something is different with the living arrangements.

 

7) Just given how quickly this has transpired over the past few days I remain convinced he was already moving forward with this approach regardless of the polygraph.

 

8) I have not been served - I don't know if he plans to do that himself or go through the attorney/process server?

 

9) I certainly expect at least 50% custody but don't want to spend the money for an attorney. Perhaps I'll be able to see what he's cooking up and then make up my mind. In the past, he's always been fair but I don't expect that this time around.

 

10) I'm angry, hurt but at this point there's nothing I can do. I'm slowly accepting that. I will go speak to a counselor probably later this week. Marriage is so difficult - I know I didn't help but I do love him, I do love the security of a marriage and I hate being alone. If that's a character flaw then it is what it is but I can admit that.

 

11) Regarding his weight loss and patenting it - He started focusing on his diet last month and really kicked it up a few notches earlier this month - i'd have to say he's probably lost close to the 20 lbs he put on over the years. And yes, 20 lbs may not be a lot but I take care of my physique and was hoping he would more. Eitherway doesn't matter now.

 

Lastly, I don't mean to inflict pain or make things overly difficult but I do want to slow the tempo of this thing down a bit - for me (for various reasons..some selfish I know) and for him. I'd like to have a calm, productive conversation about all this - obviously with no kids around. That's not going to happen anytime soon - I get that but it doesn't mean I don't want to discuss it.

 

Oh yeah - regarding him dating comment - I'd expect him not to bring anyone around the kids for several months. I believe this can be added somewhere from what I've read but I need to look into it more.

 

Okay....I don't know if you're being obtuse or if you genuinely cannot see the stark contradictions in your words and actions.

 

You never loved your husband. You only loved having a soft place to land after living as a single woman while married. In order to keep "the security of marriage", you needed to behave like a wife who cares about how her actions affected her husband. Now you'll have to get used to being alone. You are old enough to understand that negative behavior comes with consequences.

 

What you are expecting is irrelevant to your husband at this point. He's ready to take no prisoners and I can't say that I blame him. Prepare yourself for a messy court battle by retaining a lawyer.

[BaileyB]

How in the world does he have boxes packed and a moving van... And you haven't talked to the kids? I mean, you say that you will have to talk with the kids "at some point" because they will "obviously figure out that something has changed with the living arrangements." Come on... What kind of parenting is that?

 

My goodness, your kids know that their father is living in the guest room and they know that you are not talking. I'm sure they are very aware of the events that are unfolding in you house.

 

Did you not think about sitting the kids down - with your husband - to discuss the fact that you were separating and daddy is moving out of the house... Before he packed him boxes and called the moving van?

 

I get that they are at school while is is happening... But really. Your children seem to be an afterthought in this whole situation.

[CatMinx]

How in the world does he have boxes packed and a moving van... And you haven't talked to the kids? I mean, you say that you will have to talk with the kids "at some point" because they will "obviously figure out that something has changed with the living arrangements." Come on... What kind of parenting is that?

 

My goodness, your kids know that their father is living in the guest room and they know that you are not talking. I'm sure they are very aware of the events that are unfolding in you house.

 

Did you not think about sitting the kids down - with your husband - to discuss the fact that you were separating and daddy is moving out of the house... Before he packed him boxes and called the moving van?

 

I get that they are at school while is is happening... But really. Your children seem to be an afterthought in this whole situation.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I agree 100%, but this is not entirely on Steph. Both she and her husband need to communicate and come up with a game plan for their kids.

 

Allowing therm too much time and space to think about it will do untold damage to them, as kids always think the worst..and they’re likely to blame themselves.

 

Steph, you and your husband need to pull it together for long enough to explain things to your children before you mess them up forever. I would suggest having his lawyer relay this to him and set up a time to talk.

[CatMinx]

Oh, but as a PS to my last post..DO NOT attempt to discuss your relationship at all during this talk with your husband. Your kids are the priority right now, not you.

 

[]

Edited March 23, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BaileyB]

Don’t get me wrong, I agree 100%, but this is not entirely on Steph. Both she and her husband need to communicate and come up with a game plan for their kids.

 

Steph, you and your husband need to pull it together for long enough to explain things to your children before you mess them up forever.

 

I could not agree more. It's time to take the focus off themselves, and put more focus on their children.

[BluesPower]

Don’t get me wrong, I agree 100%, but this is not entirely on Steph. Both she and her husband need to communicate and come up with a game plan for their kids.

 

Allowing therm too much time and space to think about it will do untold damage to them, as kids always think the worst..and they’re likely to blame themselves.

 

Steph, you and your husband need to pull it together for long enough to explain things to your children before you mess them up forever. I would suggest having his lawyer relay this to him and set up a time to talk.

 

Oh, but as a PS to my last post..DO NOT attempt to discuss your relationship at all during this talk with your husband. Your kids are the priority right now, not you.

 

Also, on the plus side, 50/50 custody will leave you more time for going out with your friends and going on dates with your former boss. So..there’s a win for you.

 

Yes they should... have already talked to the kids. And I am LMAO with that last post.

 

But let's face it, Hubby is long gone. Not saying it is right, but considering her attitude and cluelessness can we really blame him?

 

Even since he has found his balls, where ever she hid them, I suspect this guy is going to run for his life.

 

And really, good for him.

 

But think about this, since she still does not seem to understand anything, don't you feel sorry for the next fool that she gets her claws into?

[camillalev]

Don’t get me wrong, I agree 100%, but this is not entirely on Steph. Both she and her husband need to communicate and come up with a game plan for their kids.

 

Allowing therm too much time and space to think about it will do untold damage to them, as kids always think the worst..and they’re likely to blame themselves.

 

Steph, you and your husband need to pull it together for long enough to explain things to your children before you mess them up forever. I would suggest having his lawyer relay this to him and set up a time to talk.

 

Agree. Hard to believe that its gotten to this point and neither of you have brought this up or put aside your issues to communicate with the kids and let them know it's not their fault.

 

Surprised so people were giving them advice to try to make it work after a certain point. It obviously was going to fall apart, if not now then later. I feel so sad for your husband. However after a certain point neither of you were handling this well and the entire situation was becoming toxic. Throwing dishes across the room, going home with strangers, calling up your boss and his wife up to blow up their marriage. Just because you have had a tenuous relationship and suspicions doesn't give you the right to try to ruin someone elses marriage. You made many mistakes but that doesnt excuse how he chooses to behave.

 

Regarding your poly, I have no idea why you thought it was a good idea to lie given what you had written here. Really?

 

IMO from my experience, I think you might be on the spectrum of narcissism. You don't see your husbands pain and hurt, you seem unable to put yourself in his shoes or to empathize with him. The only thing you see is the outside - you observe his reactions and their impact on you. You see yourself.

 

Your husband is on the road to self-recovery. I hope he's able to find some peace and self-love after this.

[BaileyB]

But let's face it, Hubby is long gone. Not saying it is right, but considering her attitude and cluelessness can we really blame him?

 

Even since he has found his balls, where ever she hid them, I suspect this guy is going to run for his life.

 

And really, good for him.

 

With all due respect, he is the parent of two small children. He doesn't have the right to run for his life. He has a responsibility to care for his children.

Edited March 21, 2018 by BaileyB

[BluesPower]

With all due respect, he is the parent of two small children. He doesn't have the right to run for his life. He has a responsibility to care for his children.

 

I totally get you... and I am in no way saying that it is right in any way.

 

But that is not going to happen for a couple of weeks at least.

 

And, while not giving him a pass, I really do understand.

 

He is probably afraid that he might choke her to death until his head clears...

[Cullenbohannon]

Question. Why book a hotel for a week if you know in advance the H is moving out? The house is yours.

[hippychick3]

Question. Why book a hotel for a week if you know in advance the H is moving out? The house is yours.

 

And where are your kids while you’re at the hotel?

[BaileyB]

I totally get you... and I am in no way saying that it is right in any way.

 

But that is not going to happen for a couple of weeks at least.

 

And, while not giving him a pass, I really do understand.

 

He is probably afraid that he might choke her to death until his head clears...

 

Fair enough. Although, I really do hope that he can find the strength to rise above and be there for his children when they need him most.

 

Same for Steph. The time for selfishness is finished. It's time to parent now.

[BluesPower]

Fair enough. Although, I really do hope that he can find the strength to rise above and be there for his children when they need him most.

 

Same for Steph. The time for selfishness is finished. It's time to parent now.

 

I wish that too... and I forget your history, but can you imagine how this guy feels right now?

 

After all of the crap that he took off of her, after everything that she has done, every she has put him through, can you imagine.

 

You know he loved her, not any more, but you can bet he did.

 

His head I reeling right now. And one of the hardest things that he is going to be dealing with is this thought:

 

"How in gods name could I have been

so

stupid."

 

 

Yeah, that one lingers for a long time and in the end, there is not go answer, you were just stupid. You try and learn from it and move on but you don't get over feeling stupid.

 

Here is a great idea, why doesn't steph actually be a mom and take car of the kids, and maybe tell them what is going on.

 

I would like to hear what that sounds like...

[RecentChange]

I don't know how conventional it is.

 

But we.. as in my dad, mom, brother and sister had group therapy during my parents divorce.

 

It was really helpful to have a mediated space where ALL of us could have a voice and be heard.

 

As an adult now, looking back, I really commend my parents for being able to set their BS aside for a moment, and make sure that us kids where being taken care of properly, not just physically, but mentally.

 

These kids about to have their lives turned up side down - and are going to be completely blind sided by it. That is SO UNFAIR. None of this is their doing, but they get to bare the consequences of their parents action.

 

Please - focus on the victims here, which are the children.

[steph1980nyc]

I typically pick up the kids on Wednesday - we've always had a schedule for picking up the kids, sometimes its him, me or babysitter - until I hear otherwise I plan to stick to the schedule. If there was a change, certainly his fancy lawyer would have told me.

 

This is why I said I'll need to have a sit down with them tonight as I'm in a hotel for a week. I only booked a week to give him space to get what he wants/needs out of the home. He clearly wants space and no communication so that's what I am giving him. I'll re-evaluate in a week where things stand.

 

Luckily my father is in a hotel practically right next door so I do have some help.

[hippychick3]

I typically pick up the kids on Wednesday - we've always had a schedule for picking up the kids, sometimes its him, me or babysitter - until I hear otherwise I plan to stick to the schedule. If there was a change, certainly his fancy lawyer would have told me.

 

This is why I said I'll need to have a sit down with them tonight as I'm in a hotel for a week. I only booked a week to give him space to get what he wants/needs out of the home. He clearly wants space and no communication so that's what I am giving him. I'll re-evaluate in a week where things stand.

 

Luckily my father is in a hotel practically right next door so I do have some help.

 

I am so confused. So your kids are leaving their home to stay in a hotel for a week? They packed a week’s worth of clothing and personal items to stay there? With no explanation to them why?

[camillalev]

1. Your husband offered for you to join him in the guest room, you declined.

2. Your husband offered for you both to wear your wedding rings again, you declined.

3. You lied for no reason on a poly test on something you had admitted to a day or two before in this thread.

 

Every olive branch your husband offered, you declined. It wasnt going the way *you* wanted it to go so you turned it down. The way you view this situation, the way you view your husband, the things you pay attention to, the things you care about in this entire situation, and even how you titled this thread, remind me of people I know that are true narcissists. You only see yourself, what you want, and how things impact you.

[Mrin]

Ah Steph,

 

Really sorry to hear how this ended up. I was rooting for a change.

 

One thing - please go see an attorney. Even if it is just for an initial consultation. You're entering into uncharted and unknown waters and it will do you a world of good to have someone to tell you what lies ahead process wise.

[noelle303]

[]

 

These kids need both parents more than ever right now and hopefully OP and her husband can agree to a fair co-parenting plan and peacefully transition into it.

Edited March 22, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to deleted post redacted