Would like to get a Man's POV - Husband Acting Strange

[kgcolonel]

So why was it ok for him to remove his ring and not me?

 

I get it though - I was angry when he removed his ring, and I wanted him to see that and that I'm also distancing myself and that I'm a catch, he's going to lose me if this keeps up and there's no effort to fix it.

 

That was my thought process at least.

 

You're entirely correct here however most any man will view you as we have here, you very well may be a "10" and good at everything thing else but you are not good at all at creating a safe place for a man to be open and vulnerable. You can see how this approach is working for you now....what makes you feel that any other man will see it different?

 

There's an old saying, you can either be right or be happy....this translates to in a marriage, if you hold on to "being right" prepare to be alone....if you're willing to do anything (it appears other than, not have lunch with another male, specifically this male and continue to do things that you "feel' entitled to do just because you see nothing wrong with it, regardless of how if makes your H feel) so be it....let the cards fall where they may.

 

Several people have tried to get you to see the other perspective and your responses indicate that because you don't see anything wrong with this that you have no reason to stop....you completely disregard how it makes your H feel in the M.

 

Very sad for your H and for your Kids

[CardsFan01]

Lots of questions in the posts above, if I miss one it's not intentional so please let me know.

 

1) I have tried to use the advice here, i've woken up early and tried to communicate with him. You can tell me all the things to say but he won't talk to me. The only way to get him to talk is to get him furious - but its counter productive.

 

2) I don't want to be single, I love having stability and being a family unit. But...I do recognize that being married doesn't mean you spend 100% of your time or energy there. There's nothing wrong with being able to go out - I think the root of my husband's insecurities is his limited social circle. I think if he had as many friends as I do - he'd want to go out more.

 

3) When I say I'm a catch, I don't mean just looks - I mean someone who is a provider, someone who has several degrees and someone who physically takes care of their appearance and who is attractive. Never said I was a 10. My husband has let himself go a bit and is always so stressed and not nearly as fun. I think thats why I enjoy the lunches or the attention from another male - but its not cheating nor would it come to that.

 

4) Something has to change here and I think he will have to cool down and extend an olive branch this direction to get the lines of communication going again. I've already extended myself - no means no right? He doesn't want to talk to me or my dad and has made that crystal clear.

 

I tell myself he comes home because there's a glimmer of hope but part of me believes he's done and going through the motions. I thought about writing him a letter apologizing and recognizing how my actions could be perceived but then I'd think he'd use it as ammo against me if he moves forward. Darned if I do, darned if I don't.

 

Good call, don’t apologize. It might make things worse. That olive branch should be coming any day now. I bet he’s right on the edge of seeing the light. No need to focus 100% of your time or energy here. He’ll come around.

[BaileyB]

Something has to change here and I think he will have to cool down and extend an olive branch this direction to get the lines of communication going again. I've already extended myself - no means no right?

 

No, you have not shown any understanding or empathy for his feelings. You have not apologized. You have decided this is the hill that you are ready to die on... So no, I would definitely not say that you have extended yourself.

 

But, by all means... you wait for him to extend the olive branch. You will be waiting for a very long time. And, it will likely come in the form of a settlement of divorce.

Edited March 7, 2018 by BaileyB

[BMI03]

You are letting your marriage slip through your fingers without even trying to catch it. The demise of your marriage (and it is coming quick!) will be no one’s fault but your own. I hope that when you are alone, your need to be unwavering in your position is of comfort to you. Because your husband will have left you. Your children will resent you. Your husband’s new flame will pity you. And your father will experience a disappointment in a situation that may be all too familiar to him personally.

 

While I believe you have done more than enough here to prove you are incapable of empathy, let’s put it simply here. Let’s lay it out, even with a bewildering benefit of the doubt that you are right no less! You have a choice:

 

Option 1: Get to be right (in your own mind if not others), and lose your husband.

- What you gain: You get to continue to think you are right; you get to keep having lunch with your ex-boss; you get to keep having GNOs

- What you lost: Your relationship with your; your children’s respect; your stability; your combined incomes; family holidays; children’s birthdays; your home; your vehicles; any assets that you need split.

 

Option 2: Give up your position in this debate, and have a fighting chance for keeping your marriage.

- What you gain: a chance at saving your marriage; a lifetime of children’s birthdays; holidays as a family; financial stability; keep you home; a proud father

- What you lose: your need to be right in your own mind in this situation.

 

So, even if you believe you are right, is the above not an easy choice for you to make? Really??

 

 

Then, to that point…most have already told you this so no surprises, but my two cents in a quick blitz:

- Will you need to live with your mistake of cheating forever? He can forgive you, but never forget. I am sure you could understand that if you were bit by a friend’s dog, you could see it in your heart to forgive the dog and the owner, but you are likely going to flinch every time a dog barks around you, and rightfully so.

- Are GNOs ok? Yes, when you are thinking about your partner first and his comfort with it. The cheating context means you have to work extra hard for that right. That’s no one’s fault but yours.

- Are lunches with men ok? Yes, when you are thinking about your partner first and his comfort with it. The cheating context means you have to work extra hard for that right. That’s no one’s fault but yours.

- Deleting texts: There is no valid reason for this. If the answer is that you knew he would be upset, than you are already being deceitful and betraying his trust. The cheating context means you have to work extra hard for that right. That’s no one’s fault but yours.

- No info for family when out: The cheating context means you have to work extra hard for that right. That’s no one’s fault but yours.

- Was it ok for him to take off his ring but not you? Yes, he took it off because he was expressing concerns to you and you showed no empathy and dismissed it

- "I feel I've done nothing wrong and the bottom line is that he's making some wild assumptions". You have done lots wrong. His assumptions are not wild. It is up to you to recognize this and act to resolve. It is likely too late.

- Your husband’s limited social circles? That is of no relevance. It’s a convenience excuse you are hiding behind to not have to face the fact you are the problem.

- ‘…but It’s not cheating nor would it come to that.”. It’s cheating if your husband feels betrayed. If you are deleting texts, that is a big indicator of an emotional affair. If you are sharing things you would otherwise share with your husband, you are putting emotional energy in the wrong place.

[BarbedFenceRider]

Well, thanks for itemizing the reasons NOT to stay married. Oh yeah, your a catch alright...ROFL!

 

After all, he has let himself go, he doesn't have exciting friend circle. You disrespecting him and cucking him should be the best he will get ever. Right? Well there's your answer. Tell you what...Why not have hubby post on here. I think he needs the encouragement to get out of this toxicity. You are free to go and have your "exciting" life.

 

Just don't say we didn't warn ya!

[georgia girl]

Steph,

 

Not that this will do much good, but I will throw my hat into the ring. You say you have done nothing wrong, but let me offer you a different perspective:

 

You were emailing and deleting the communications from an ex-boss who you say is important for your career. Also, when you knew it would bother your husband and he specifically asked you not to, you had not just one but several lunches with said ex-boss. You admit that you like attention from males. I am a very successful business woman and I understand that business works quite a bit on who you know. But, in all of my years of business, I have not done anything that makes my husband feel threatened and I call “malarkey” on the idea that you need to frequently email/text/go to lunch with an ex-boss. There are ways to set boundaries without losing the contact. Further, it’s now decision time. What is more important? Your family and your marriage or lunch and texts with the ex-boss. That’s how your husband sees it and he thinks you made a choice.

 

Going clubbing with the girls and forgetting to ensure your husband is okay with it and you have made plans with the kids? How do you not apologize for that? Again, what comes first? Drinks, girls and I would hazard a guess a little male flattery or your husband and kids?

 

You have not offered an olive branch. Instead you have made a bogus argument about being more outgoing, better preserved and ambitious and therefore he should not flip your wings. Go ahead and keep this stance if you want, but here’s what you don’t get: he is very close to done. You may be literally just a few hours and days from the end of your marriage. If you want to save it, you need to wake up, apologize and learn to set boundaries such as a GNO only one night a month and only after the two of you have had a date night; extremely limited email communication only with the ex boss (no lunches or calls) and full disclosure to him when it happens, including forwarding of the emails; and couples counseling.

 

My final thought: you came on this board for advice and only you - not your husband - is providing the information posters are reacting to. Yet, there are nine pages here of folks unanimously trying to get you to see the light. And we are all wrong and you are right? Perhaps you need just a little humility before you single-handedly destroy your life.

[Be_Strong]

I thought about writing him a letter apologizing and recognizing how my actions could be perceived but then I'd think he'd use it as ammo against me if he moves forward. Darned if I do, darned if I don't.

In what way are you worried that he could use your apology as ammo going forward? Do you mean that if you stay married, he’s going to keep bringing up your apology? Or, do you mean if you get divorced he’s going to use it against you in the divorce proceedings?

 

In either case, there’s nothing to be concerned with. If you stay married, the only reason he would bring up the apology is if you start doing the same things you apologized for, so if you are sincerely sorry and intend to fix those things, this shouldn’t be a problem. If he files for divorce, the fault of the spouses isn’t a relevant factor in a divorce anymore. Your apology letter couldn’t legally hurt you.

 

The biggest problem with you writing a letter of apology is that you aren’t actually sorry nor do you believe that you did anything wrong. So, there’s no way the letter will be sincere. I have a feeling that your apology would be of the type that goes something like, “I’m sorry you have no friends and are jealous that I do, and I’m sorry that you are paranoid and don’t seem to be able to trust me when I eat lunch with other men, and I’m sorry that you seem unable to get over my affair from years ago.”

[CatMinx]

Steph, what actions have you taken since your affair to earn back your husbands trust?

 

Whether you are really having an affair now or not, obviously your husband finds something in your actions suspicious and he is therefore attempting to protect himself from further pain by distancing himself from you. What have you done to prove that he can and should trust you? Because having no empathy for him, disregarding his feelings completely, and removing your wedding rings are not the behaviors of someone worthy of their spouses trust.

[Brieanna]

The “tit for tat” approach isn’t working for you huh?

 

Neither is passive aggressive behavior. (There is no way you cannot see that your behaviors are “protest” behaviors and pushing him away.)

 

Decide what you want.

 

You seem to be pushing him away and not being honest with yourself over it.

You seem more eager to find fault in him, prove he did something wrong... than take steps and actions closer to him.

 

The advice about shaking up his world by doing something way different was spot on.

Maybe not get down on your knees...

But really???

You took off your ring in response to him taking off his ring?

How about a more humble action towards him?

 

How about confronting him with your pain of how you feel torn and miss him and miss what you two had. Confront him with your fears, your pain, be vulnerable... confront him with your love, what you hope for you both.

 

Confronting him with spite and anger apparently will not beget much but more negative stuff. ....this is what you are getting from this.

 

You do not sound like someone who honestly cares to save a marriage.

It sounds more like someone who wants out and is steering things twards an exit she is too cowardly to admit and be honest about. Instead seeking a way out to blame on him.

[BTDT2012]

It sounds like you have little to no respect for your husband. Lots of great advice has been given, you have chosen to ignore all of it. I forgave my husband for an affair. I also told him that even the suspicion of an affair would be enough for me to leave him.

[steph1980nyc]

Thanks everyone - I've decided to put the ego aside and try to open communication again.

 

When my husband got home I literally got on my knees and told him I was sorry and understood how my actions went against his wishes and how I wanted to make things right. He stopped in his tracks and paused (seemed like forever)....was saying something and stopped mid-word and proceeded into the guest room. He didn't even finish uttering the word whatever it was going to be.

 

He hasn't come out since and its been about an hour. He simply will not communicate with me and I would have loved for him to have finished the word he was about to say.

 

I'm actually working on dinner now and at first I wasn't going to make him anything (he did that to me earlier this week) but decided I would make his favorite dish. If that doesn't get him out of the room and talking I'm out of options.

 

Here's to nothing...

[BMI03]

Thanks everyone - I've decided to put the ego aside and try to open communication again.

 

When my husband got home I literally got on my knees and told him I was sorry and understood how my actions went against his wishes and how I wanted to make things right. He stopped in his tracks and paused (seemed like forever)....was saying something and stopped mid-word and proceeded into the guest room. He didn't even finish uttering the word whatever it was going to be.

 

He hasn't come out since and its been about an hour. He simply will not communicate with me and I would have loved for him to have finished the word he was about to say.

 

I'm actually working on dinner now and at first I wasn't going to make him anything (he did that to me earlier this week) but decided I would make his favorite dish. If that doesn't get him out of the room and talking I'm out of options.

 

Here's to nothing...

 

This is the first sign of going in the right direction Steph! This is the first step in positive progress. Well done.

 

I still question as to whether you are truly remorseful but this is at least something to build on. And look...almost a word. That's a whole world more sound than you have gotten in a while. It's a start.

 

I am glad to hear you fought the urge to make him nothing. It's the same as the ring...he was in the right to not make you supper. You I am afraid, are not. Recognizing that wouldn't be a productive thing to do was the right move. Good work.

 

Don't be disappointed if you don't get miracles. You may not see him the rest of the night and he may not eat dinner. That's ok. If he smells in, he will know you are taking actions and maybe, just maybe, beginning to understand this is your error to fix, not his. You have trained him to not trust and his instincts now, rightfully so, are going to be to protect his heart and not let you back into his world so easily. You will need to continue with this approach relentlessly, with humility and understanding. You have only taken the first step but at least it was better than a step backwards. It may already be too late, but at least you are starting the right approach, even if it's a fake-it-until-you-make-it approach at best.

 

Good luck!

[BaileyB]

If that doesn't get him out of the room and talking I'm out of options.

 

Then, you keep trying... You do it again, and again, and again until he knows that you mean it.

 

Make him dinner. Tell him, when he is ready, you want to talk. Then, ask him how he is hurting? Listen to what he says. Don't get defensive. Don't argue or dismiss anything he says. Apologize again. Tell him that you are committed to changing. Tell him that you love him. Tell him that you understand the gravity of the situation. Tell him that you want to keep your family together. Offer to go to individual counselling so that you can be a better person. Ask him to go to marriage counselling.

 

This isn't the end. It is only the beginning.

 

Good for you! Your family is worth fighting for - Keep going.

Edited March 7, 2018 by BaileyB

[Brieanna]

He hasn't come out since and its been about an hour. He simply will not communicate with me and I would have loved for him to have finished the word he was about to say.

Sounds like he may need to learn to trust something positive will come from trying to talk to you. (This could take time...if he hasnt given up completely)

 

If you are truly interested in repairing things...

What if you book a therapy appointment for yourself.

Let him know it would mean the world to you if he joins you as your priority is your marriage.

Leave the ball in his court, he can choose to join you.

Just be sure to present it in a sincerely welcoming way. Be sure to present it with an attitude of gratitude if he would go. Then let go of the outcome... do not nag him to go....but leave the appointment card out or something so he knows he has an invitation.

 

Plan to go to the session for yourself even if he does not show.

 

I do wish you the best!

[steph1980nyc]

Total Fing Disaster.

 

So my dad took the kids out to run errands, husband came out of the room, sat down - no real visible emotion on his face mind you. Had a few bites and then said thanks and started to read the paper. He at least said something.

 

I asked him why he wasn't eating more of it - he said he was trying to eat better and get in shape and wanted to at least have a few bites since he knew I was in the kitchen for over an hour.

 

Apparently I messed up here, I said... I spent a lot of time making this and you're only having a few bites?? He literally picks up the plate and throws it towards the trashcan gets up and leaves - he left the house.

 

what. the. hell.

 

So now I'm all emotional and get the added benefit of cleaning up all this mess before the kids get home. It was a simple question I asked - he was so patient and man he has a wicked short fuse now apparently.

 

Part of me wants to be in the guest room waiting on him but I think it will just piss him off. He isn't acting like himself at all.

[Brieanna]

If you cannot be in each others presense without complaining or picking on the other....STOP IT!

 

You did not earn a conversation by cooking for him... it was supposed to be an olive branch, ...not an entitlement.

 

Go to therapy! At least someone can help him to listen to what you are trying to say and help you hear what his thoughts are....and mediate before emotions escalate.

 

You need to learn how to try to communicate without being passive aggressive, without criticizing, without causing harm.

 

Rule #1: Do no harm

 

I don’t see how you guys can find your way out of this dynamic without help. Both of you are hypersensitive and have escalated in this pattern.

 

You need to get therapy so someone can help you two connect while helping filter out the crap that keeps getting thrown around.

[kgcolonel]

you treated him nicely and he took a step in your direction...he came out of his room and ate some of the dinner you cooked....what did you expect that 1 dinner and he would be back to the doormat of a husband you like (not that he is actually a doormat but it appears that this is the only type of man that would put up with your mess). You completely underestimate the damage you have done. How many lunches with the ex-boss, how many GNOs have you been to, how many texts did you delete.....it will take many many efforts like making him dinner, on your knees to confess to him that you are truly sorry and not question his reluctance to retreat.

 

Please look at it this way, have you ever seen an abused animal? It takes a lot of love and nurturing to regain their trust....you seem to expect a 180 with one or two gestures of (I don't want to say kindness) normalcy. Cooking for one's spouse and apologizing for hurting one's spouse (even when it wasn't intention or it was careless) is normal spousal behavior.

 

Your past is catching up with you, not necessarily limited to your A but all the other crap that has been mentioned. This will be a long process....I strongly suggest some individual counseling to help you understand the damage you have been doing all this time.

[springy]

He took a step toward you. Thought of the time you spent cooking that meal and came out to take a few bites for that reason (still very thoughtful considering he's extremely pissed at you). Yes, you did blow it with that comment. His resentment toward you has built to toxic levels so you need to be really careful about your communication with him. He is halfway (more?) checked out so you chastising him just gives him more reason not to bother. You could have sat down to dinner while he was reading his paper. Could have asked him about his day. Told him you missed laying next to him at night. TOld him you have missed his voice and his touch. Do you?

 

This is a man who has spent months (years?) feeling disrespected and feelings negated. He's not having it anymore.

 

You need to learn patience because you're gonna need a lot of it to convince your husband to return to the marriage.

Edited March 8, 2018 by springy

[springy]

And ok, so he got mad...he deserves to be mad!

 

Come home early again tomorrow and make dinner again! Do not speak! Just work on your actions changing for now.

 

Now go get the laundry done and the kids into bed.

 

yep - keep going...try again tomorrow.

[BluesPower]

Total Fing Disaster.

 

So my dad took the kids out to run errands, husband came out of the room, sat down - no real visible emotion on his face mind you. Had a few bites and then said thanks and started to read the paper. He at least said something.

 

I asked him why he wasn't eating more of it - he said he was trying to eat better and get in shape and wanted to at least have a few bites since he knew I was in the kitchen for over an hour.

 

Apparently I messed up here, I said... I spent a lot of time making this and you're only having a few bites?? He literally picks up the plate and throws it towards the trashcan gets up and leaves - he left the house.

 

what. the. hell.

 

So now I'm all emotional and get the added benefit of cleaning up all this mess before the kids get home. It was a simple question I asked - he was so patient and man he has a wicked short fuse now apparently.

 

Part of me wants to be in the guest room waiting on him but I think it will just piss him off. He isn't acting like himself at all.

 

Wow, I really thought for a second that you were getting it... well I guess not.

 

See you don't seem to understand that you are on your way out, because of your behavior, because of what you did.

 

[]You don't get a pat on the head because you cooked dinner, not after the way that you have been acting.

 

What you get is a divorce. []

 

I really thought that your big ego, was starting to shrink but no such luck.

 

I am sure you will continue to say "it was one question, and I did not use any tone of voice at all", yeah right.

 

Of course you did.

 

As you go through your divorce, just know that while there will be some loses that will date you, no matter how fine you are, you most likely will not be able to find a man as good as your husband to marry you and help you raise your kids.

 

See, even with your job and your beauty, you are not as desirable as your husband will be after the divorce. Most men don't want to raise another mans children even if it is part time.

 

I don't know where your ego comes from, but girl, you have so much to learn.

 

I had a GF that spoke to me that way once, after she finished she was my ex GF...

Edited March 9, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Inflammatory and personalized content redacted and member suspended

[sandylee1]

Keep trying and put your rings back on. He's likely looking to see how much this marriage means to you and how important he is to you.

[BaileyB]

 

Apparently I messed up here, I said... I spent a lot of time making this and you're only having a few bites??

 

It was a simple question I asked - he was so patient and man he has a wicked short fuse now apparently.

 

Combative. You extended the olive branch, he took it... And you shut him down, again. You sure put him in his place! I'd be mad too.

 

It wasn't just a simple question. It was a complaint. A criticism. It was a test. It's all about you again... "I made this dinner for you and you don't appreciate it."

 

Don't wait up for him in the guest room. Give him space.

 

Go to therapy.

[BluesPower]

Combative. You extended the olive branch, he took it... And you shut him down again. I'd be mad too.

 

It wasn't just a simple question. It was a complaint. A criticism. It was a test. It's all about you again... "I made this dinner for you and you don't appreciate it."

 

Don't wait up for him in the guest room. Give him space.

 

Go to therapy.

 

Bailey, do you really think it would help??? I mean look how long it even took her to try.

 

I just don't know if their are any real therapist out there that would tell her that she is full of you know what...

[BaileyB]

Bailey, do you really think it would help??? I mean look how long it even took her to try.

 

I just don't know if their are any real therapist out there that would tell her that she is full of you know what...

 

I am ever hopeful. But, it will certainly not help if she is not willing to consider and accept some hard truths about herself. And, I don't know if she is there yet...

 

If she wants her family to survive this, how could it hurt to try...

[sandylee1]

Yikes...I didn't see your reaction to him taking a few bites.

 

He did really well coming out of the room to eat. He was showing appreciation and you messed up.

 

If you really want to save this marriage you have a strange way of showing it. One dinner doesn't get you out of jail.

 

You've taken the phrase 'The way to a man's heart is through his stomach' quite literally.

 

Girl...your gonna have to step up your game, because right now your husband is shaping up in the gym and losing weight in order to attract another woman in the event of a divorce.

 

He's getting in the best place he can be by ...building up his confidence...and you'll be left behind.