Would like to get a Man's POV - Husband Acting Strange

[steph1980nyc]

Just an update - I met with my husband this morning at a marriage counselors office. Waiting in the lobby with him was so awkward - him on one couch and me on another - barely said a word.

 

Met with the counselor for an hour - and we went over the entire chain of events (at least as much as we could in an hour). Clearly, my husband has had several conversations with her - towards the end, the counselor said she wanted to meet with me individually and wanted me to develop a list of what I want to get out of the counseling.

 

I don't understand this question - I obviously want to reconnect with my husband, not sure if she's fishing for something else or what exactly.

 

I explained that I understood my husband's feelings and that I'd like to change - I'll communicate more and give him what he needs, he just needs to clearly tell me what he's expecting. The counselor said that was a good start but made a comment that "regardless of what happens with your husband, these activities would help you as an individual" - is she alluding to the fact he's already told her he's done? I feel empty the past few days - and still no real communication. He's been home more but still doing his own thing.

 

I've cut off communication with my ex boss, left him a print out of what I said and put it by his door. I know he's read it since the papers were gone - but he hasn't said anything.

 

I've also begun to look for an individual counselor - I'm hoping he sees that I'm hard at work on this. Earlier someone said that this was the hill I was willing to die on...it's not....its not any longer at least. I'm trying to put my ego aside and have a fresh start - I just think it took me too long to come around =(

 

Sorry for the rambling.

[georgia girl]

My take on this situation was that Steph was relatively happy the way things were. Whether it’s a physical issue or that she simply lost desire for her husband, she was happy being relatively sexless. She liked the prestige and respect of being married but enjoyed the incredible freedom of essentially single life with weekly GNOs and lots of lunches with ex-boss, with whom there may be some inappropriate interactions. She had her hubby at home as her fallback, taking care of the kids and the family. She sounds like she is professionally successful and physically attractive, so she was enjoying the spoils of a nice house, a “good guy” husband, kids, etc., without much effort.

 

Meanwhile, back at the ranch... . I genuinely don’t think she realized how profoundly unhappy husband had become or how unfairly she was acting. He would argue with her, complain about it, etc., but she was happy and I believe, disregarded his feelings because it simply didn’t matter to her. Now, I think she is struggling to believe that all of this is real and she is translating it into “he changed” and not necessarily that what she was doing to her relationship had finally - and perhaps irrevocably - massively damaged it.

 

I say all of this because I think Steph has to realize she can’t keep her marriage as it was - it was fulfilling to only one person. If she does want to stay married - and that may not be an option - she has to dramatically change her perspective and her actions. Her marriage will not look anything like it did before and I am not sure she wants what it will become.

 

I feel badly saying this but I think it’s time for this couple to cut their losses. She has done too much damage and been too unwilling to change/modify. In the meantime, he has built up too much resentment. There are two kids involved. They should use counseling to find a way to separate, divorce and co-parent.

[springy]

Just an update - I met with my husband this morning at a marriage counselors office. Waiting in the lobby with him was so awkward - him on one couch and me on another - barely said a word.

 

Met with the counselor for an hour - and we went over the entire chain of events (at least as much as we could in an hour). Clearly, my husband has had several conversations with her - towards the end, the counselor said she wanted to meet with me individually and wanted me to develop a list of what I want to get out of the counseling.

 

I don't understand this question - I obviously want to reconnect with my husband, not sure if she's fishing for something else or what exactly.

 

I explained that I understood my husband's feelings and that I'd like to change - I'll communicate more and give him what he needs, he just needs to clearly tell me what he's expecting. The counselor said that was a good start but made a comment that "regardless of what happens with your husband, these activities would help you as an individual" - is she alluding to the fact he's already told her he's done? I feel empty the past few days - and still no real communication. He's been home more but still doing his own thing.

 

I've cut off communication with my ex boss, left him a print out of what I said and put it by his door. I know he's read it since the papers were gone - but he hasn't said anything.

 

I've also begun to look for an individual counselor - I'm hoping he sees that I'm hard at work on this. Earlier someone said that this was the hill I was willing to die on...it's not....its not any longer at least. I'm trying to put my ego aside and have a fresh start - I just think it took me too long to come around =(

 

Sorry for the rambling.

 

I think the counselor is saying that she does not know which way this will go with him, but that making changes will be helpful regardless of the outcome. I can't say one way or the other if she's alluding to any particular outcome. Having been in the business of counseling awhile (I assume) she probably has her own idea of what may happen. Remember - she has only gotten the side of your (very) frustrated/resentful husband.

 

As far as wanting to see what you want to get out of the sessions, she only knows your husband's side of things right now, which may have given her the impression that you don't care about the marriage and/or that you just want to have your way. I think she's trying to get a feel for what it is you want, exactly so as not to assume you want the try to save your marriage.

 

Good for you for cutting off ex boss and letting your hub know. Also good that you are looking into your own individual counseling.

Edited March 12, 2018 by springy

[alsudduth]

Hi Steph - I'm going to start by saying my experience here is that my Husband cheated on me, and then I cheated on him. We are a year and a half into reconciliation.

 

Once infidelity tramples a relationship, that relationship is forever changed. FOREVER. It doesn't matter if it happened 10 years ago or last week. It never leaves you. My husband has made big strides/changes since the affair, and I still trigger right now about monthly with things he says/does or the way he acts. It puts me back to that horribly negative place I was in during his affair. I'm loath to say that I probably cause him to trigger as well at times. The best thing we can do though when that happens is to recognize the behaviors in both ourselves and each other, and make changes in how we deal with certain things to keep the triggers from staying in the forefront of our relationship. They were everyday when we first started reconciliation, so it's getting better, and I have hope that we will continue to get better because we are BOTH committed to making our relationship work.

 

I think enough people have told you that you don't need to be told again how your behavior (no matter how innocent in your eyes (see justification)) has affected your husband. He started this marriage with little trust in you, and you really haven't done much to alleviate that. That is so important. As a wayward spouse, you HAVE to do the hard work to make your partner feel safe in the relationship. I am afraid to say, you have a LOT of work to do in this department.

 

If I was you, I'd advise to start with individual counseling and encourage your H to continue with his. To begin any type of healing, you both must first understand yourselves and where you want to be. Your communication together is so broken, that if you jump straight to marriage counseling without first working on yourselves, I fear you will fail. Right now, your husband is not willing to communicate because all his attempts to now have failed. He feels like there is no point. You need to get some help and advice on how to properly respond to how he communicates with you....you knew immediately after making dinner for him that your response to him not wanting to eat it all was the wrong response. Learn to check your tongue before you try to communicate with him again.

 

I've seen relationships recover from worse than this, but you BOTH have to be willing and emotionally able to work together. Swallowing some humble pie for the sake of your relationship will probably be the hardest thing you have to do at this point.

 

A couple books I'd recommend for you:

Not Just Friends - Shirley Glass

Boundaries in Marriage - Cloud/Townsend

How to Help your Spouse Heal from your Affair - Linda McDonald

 

I know in your mind, the affair was long ago and I imagine you feel like it shouldn't be affecting your marriage now...but I'm here to tell you it is, your husband has told you it is, everyone else here on LS has told you it is. Start with making changes on how you handled that event in your life, and I would bet you start seeing some breadcrumbs from your spouse. He wants to see that you "get it" -Good Luck.

[BaileyB]

I'm glad that you went. I would agree with the others that say the counsellor is telling you, she doesn't know how this is going to go. I'm surprised, I really thought he was going to want to talk about separation. the fact that he didn't, is maybe a good sign...

You have now awoken to the fact that your husband has been very unhappy and that your marriage is in serious trouble... As someone said, your marriage is unsustainable because it's only benefitting one person right now...

 

I think your husband, and the counsellor, are trying to tell you to do the work. A little introspection is required, personal growth needs to be seen to believe that you are committed to making this work, that you understand and accept responsibility for your failings in this relationship (your husband will have his own, as in any marriage), and you are prepared to make the changes required to restore peace, harmony, trust, and happiness to your marriage (and your family).

 

Go back to see the counsellor. Make yourself vulnerable and do the work that is required - both personally, and with your husband. For the sake of your children, I hope it works out for you.

[georgia girl]

Just an update - I met with my husband this morning at a marriage counselors office. Waiting in the lobby with him was so awkward - him on one couch and me on another - barely said a word.

 

Met with the counselor for an hour - and we went over the entire chain of events (at least as much as we could in an hour). Clearly, my husband has had several conversations with her - towards the end, the counselor said she wanted to meet with me individually and wanted me to develop a list of what I want to get out of the counseling.

 

I don't understand this question - I obviously want to reconnect with my husband, not sure if she's fishing for something else or what exactly.

 

I explained that I understood my husband's feelings and that I'd like to change - I'll communicate more and give him what he needs, he just needs to clearly tell me what he's expecting. The counselor said that was a good start but made a comment that "regardless of what happens with your husband, these activities would help you as an individual" - is she alluding to the fact he's already told her he's done? I feel empty the past few days - and still no real communication. He's been home more but still doing his own thing.

 

I've cut off communication with my ex boss, left him a print out of what I said and put it by his door. I know he's read it since the papers were gone - but he hasn't said anything.

 

I've also begun to look for an individual counselor - I'm hoping he sees that I'm hard at work on this. Earlier someone said that this was the hill I was willing to die on...it's not....its not any longer at least. I'm trying to put my ego aside and have a fresh start - I just think it took me too long to come around =(

 

Sorry for the rambling.

 

Steph,

 

This reads a little bit like you think there is some right answer that you need to give the counselor about what you want out of counseling. I don’t think there is one. She is honestly asking, what do you want? Right now, I think you are still in the mode of doing “whatever you have to do to make this go away so our life can get back to normal.” I hope you realize that there is no going back to how you were a month ago. There is no answer you can give to the counselor’s question that will make this simply go away. So, I would advise you to dig deep. Maybe consider things like....

 

Do I love my husband?

Why do I want to stay married?

Is it just for the kids and nice house?

Do I want to have an intimate, sexual relationship with my husband?

If I don’t but he does, can I let him go?

Am I still attracted to my husband?

What do I think a good marriage looks like?

What kind of a partner do I want to be?

Do I like being a mom and wife? Why?

What is fulfilling to me as a person?

If I could rewrite my life, would I be in this same spot? With this same man?

Am I satisfied with life?

Do I envy my single girlfriends?

 

 

You say you want to be married and when asked, you say you love your husband. Not bashing you, but I think you fell out of love with him awhile ago. I am not sure being a mom and wife is really all that fulfilling to you. I think they were the entrapments or designing your “perfect life” but the reality was they didn’t quite fit once you had them. If that’s the case, I am not here to bash you. You are who you are and no less of a person for wanting different things. When you become less is only when you deny others - in this case, your husband and your kids - of their own desired lifestyle to support yours. If that is the case, find a way to let go. Your husband and your kids deserve to have a person who really wants to be a family with them... not someone who wants the appearance of a family.

 

Good luck. You sound a little like you’re deliberately not understanding the question to avoid answering it honestly. That will not work in this situation. If you just show up and try to deflect through counseling, your husband will merely quit and go ahead with the divorce. So, if you really are in, be honest and be vulnerable.

[standtall]

GG..great effort in your last post. You should be paid for your counseling on one of the most difficult situations that I have ever read.

[PRW]

OP - it isn't about the lunch. Stop focusing on the trees. You're missing the fact that the forest is on fire. This is all about the lack of respect and trustworthiness you show your husband. If you respected him and he had full trust in you then the lunches wouldn't be a problem. Of this I assure you.

 

WOW!! Dad on the money! No point in me posting now,...I couldn't possibly say it better!

[PRW]

Dude here. I'll give you my unvarnished opinion - though you might not like it.

 

1) You have a complete lack of respect for your husband. Almost a disrespect.

2)You cheated on him during your engagement.

3) You seem to prioritize "forgetting to tell when you are going out and where" on your girls nights out over your husband and children's requests. You forget? Christ lady, just write yourself a note to remember.

4) You react to your husband's voiced concerned about the closeness you have with your ex-boss and the lunches with essentially, "that's nice, let me know how that works out for you."

5) You have some sort of ongoing and frequent text chat with said ex-boss where you delete the messages because.... wait for it.... wait for it... habit?! And your husband notices and you think it is strange that he comments on his wife doing this?!

6) If I am reading your OP correctly, it almost sounds like you would choose your ex-boss over your husband. And I think your husband knows it.

 

Your husband is getting ready to leave you. Or have an affair and then leave you. And I don't blame him. I would too.

 

Mrin

 

Dead on the money! No way I could have said it better!

[sandylee1]

I disagree that you should see this counsellor individually. In fact it's unethical for her to have you both as individual clients.

 

She's already formed a therapeutic relationship with your husband and having you as a client would be a conflict of interest. There's no way she hasn't already formed an opinion of you and she wouldn't be unbiased.

 

This sort of thing gives the counselling profession a bad name.

 

Steph...definitely find your own counsellor

[CatMinx]

Well done Steph. This sounds like steps in the right direction. A bit of humility goes a long way sweetheart.

[Yomachi]

I disagree that you should see this counsellor individually. In fact it's unethical for her to have you both as individual clients.

 

She's already formed a therapeutic relationship with your husband and having you as a client would be a conflict of interest. There's no way she hasn't already formed an opinion of you and she wouldn't be unbiased.

 

This sort of thing gives the counselling profession a bad name.

 

Steph...definitely find your own counsellor

 

Wouldn't this make it seem like Steph got **** to hide? To get her own counsellor?

[Mrin]

Wouldn't this make it seem like Steph got **** to hide? To get her own counsellor?

 

Not at all. It is very common to have a separate counselor in these situations. A counseling relationship is a touchy thing and to be honest, if Steph is going to do the work she needs to do on herself, she needs to feel 100% safe with her counselor.

 

Steph: I'm really proud of you. You're starting the work. It will be a long journey full of twists and turns. This probably won't make much sense now but I want you to remember this: you have to fix yourself before you fix your marriage. That being said, if your husband sees you doing the work, he might be willing to wait.

 

Okay, I want you to take this in the spirit it is offered. I know you. Not you personally but rather you have some traits that I share. That's why I get you. I was once where you are now. What you are just getting the faintest whiff of right now is your heart. By that I don't mean that you're cold or heartless. It is just that you experience life through your brain. It is how you know how to be. The brain is a fantastic thing, but when it comes to relationships it is a poor partner. I know this sounds like a bunch of hippie mumbo jumbo but bear with me.

 

By all means you should find your own counselor. Find one soon. When you meet with him/her I want you to do one thing - commit to yourself that you will be 100% open and vulnerable. That sounds like an easy thing, right? Ya, I remember thinking that. I can't tell you how to be vulnerable because honestly you don't know how. You can't see the shell around you. I couldn't. I don't know what to tell you except that when you meet with your counselor, lay it all out there. No analysis. No logic. No reasoning. Just lay it out there. Remember, you're 100% safe with him/her. It is protected. It is confidential.

 

Answer their questions without any sort of cognition. It is okay if they judge you - you're paying them. Just relax into it. Gosh, I think the best way I can put it is that when you feel uncomfortable - go further. Seek the uncomfortableness. That's where the paydirt lies.

 

You may want to consider something like the Landmark Forum or Psi. Good stuff there. They'll break through your shell.

 

Here's the thing - there isn't anything "wrong" with you per se. I think you are coming to grips with the fact that you've been a bad wife. You don't seem to be fighting that anymore. But what I think you don't know is why - really why - you've been a bad wife. In some ways you are like a child who has been reprimanded for doing something wrong. You understand the "wrongness" of the thing you've done but you don't understand the why's of it. Remember, I've been there so don't let my "child" analogy set you off.

 

And so you want a list of ways to act to ways to not act. I get that - the fact that you want that means your heart is in the right place. But it has to be a little scary for you because you don't know what you don't know. Just because you know these things are bad and shouldn't be done, what about the rest of the stuff in the future. The things you don't see right now. You probably feel like you're being set up for failure. That you'll just "step in it" again. If you could, you probably would love a comprehensive list of do's and dont's from your husband right now, right?

 

Life doesn't work that way.

 

This is where your individual work comes in. This is why you do the work. This is why you get 100% vulnerable with your IC. You're payment isn't in money for counseling, it's in vulnerability. Eventually, if you're lucky, you will have your ah-ha moment. The moment you experience true empathy. And when it comes it will hit you like a ton of bricks. It did me. And it was worth it. Trust me, once you develop this new perspective, life becomes far easier.

 

Anyhow, I have yammered on too long. I just wanted to let you know that I'm still watching this thread. And rooting for you.

 

Mrin

[sandylee1]

Wouldn't this make it seem like Steph got **** to hide? To get her own counsellor?

 

No it wouldn't...and the fact that this counsellor would have them both as clients makes me wonder about her professionalism. She should have said that she can't see both husband and wife, due to the conflict of interest.

 

It really isn't ethical practice to do this.

 

As a counsellor even if you accidentally find out you are entering or are in a counselling relationship with husband and wife, you shouldn't continue.

 

I'll give you an example of why it shouldn't be done.

One counsellor (many years ago) was seeing a couple in counselling and the husband individually. His affair brought them to counselling.

 

One day in his individual session...he says he needs to leave early because he's going to see his GF.

 

He knows the counsellor is bound by confidentiality and can't reveal this to his wife in their MC sessions. It created an ethical dilemma that wouldn't have happened if she wasn't seeing both of them.

 

It means she continues MC in the full knowledge he's still in the affair...which he's told his wife is over.... making a total mockery of MC.

[pheonixrisen]

Just an update - I met with my husband this morning at a marriage counselors office. Waiting in the lobby with him was so awkward - him on one couch and me on another - barely said a word.

 

Met with the counselor for an hour - and we went over the entire chain of events (at least as much as we could in an hour). Clearly, my husband has had several conversations with her - towards the end, the counselor said she wanted to meet with me individually and wanted me to develop a list of what I want to get out of the counseling.

 

I don't understand this question - I obviously want to reconnect with my husband, not sure if she's fishing for something else or what exactly.

 

I explained that I understood my husband's feelings and that I'd like to change - I'll communicate more and give him what he needs, he just needs to clearly tell me what he's expecting. The counselor said that was a good start but made a comment that "regardless of what happens with your husband, these activities would help you as an individual" - is she alluding to the fact he's already told her he's done? I feel empty the past few days - and still no real communication. He's been home more but still doing his own thing.

 

I've cut off communication with my ex boss, left him a print out of what I said and put it by his door. I know he's read it since the papers were gone - but he hasn't said anything.

 

I've also begun to look for an individual counselor - I'm hoping he sees that I'm hard at work on this. Earlier someone said that this was the hill I was willing to die on...it's not....its not any longer at least. I'm trying to put my ego aside and have a fresh start - I just think it took me too long to come around =(

 

Sorry for the rambling.

 

As gg said this is really a good time for you to reflect and go over what you want ...if you have fallen out of love that's okay ...you need to figure your self out ...and take step according don't try to save the marriage if you genuinely don't care for the person you are married too

 

As per your post the theme of your marriage so far has been ....he forgave your betrayal and married you anyway .you did not see that he stayed because he loves you and wants to keep his family together you saw that as a weakness that you could exploit when it suited you ..he repeatedly said .literally gave you in writing what he needs to heal and you basically said get over it it's this many years ...I will not hold my self back for this i will do what I want ...I think you believed his non existent social life and that he let him self go where would he go ...his trying to work things out in every situation. You saw as a entitlement because you look good and have a social life and job you could treat him like garbage and you got away with it for a long time ....what he is feeling now did not happen overnight ...it's pain and rejection now projecting as anger built over years of resentment this is not going away easily ..because you want to save the marriage as Nd made one dinner for him or showed up to one appointment .

 

Something needs to change ....go back to all your post and you will see ...you mentioned he is changed I am shocked at his behaviour ....not once did you actually pay attention to what he said

 

He told your father your daughter has no boundaries etc (read that line )

 

He told you that how does it feel to **** with someone feelings

 

You did not pay attention above is what he is feeling he is telling you clearly that's what you have been doing to him and you are focused on his shocking behaviour instead of hearing what he is saying

 

Have you really looked at him have you tried to see the damage you have done to him over the years ...the pain of betrayal the constant rejection ..the dismissal of his feelings .

 

I am surprised he is still in marriage .and still made an effort to invite you to the counsellor

 

You pushed him to his breaking point and now he is not your doormat and that's why you don't like what he is become .he is not someone you can push and manipulate and control anymore .and dismiss when you like .

 

And please Steph don't lie to your self anymore that you did not have something to hide with your ex boss ...people don't delete specific person mails out of habit ...either this and the only other explanation that can be that you know it bothered your h and you were doing it on purpose because you like him weak and bothered and running after you ...perhaps you hold a lot of resentment towards him because he is a good guy and you could not be you were knocked of the pedestal when you cheated and you are punishing him because of your failures .

 

Change your self get help from a therapist it will help you even if your marriage survives or not ...as people tend to carry who they are in every relationship they have ...

[camillalev]

I can't believe you were fine with the situation until it got this bad. You didnt bother to take action until it started to backfire and effect YOU negatively. Selfish.

 

He literally picks up the plate and throws it towards the trashcan gets up and leaves - he left the house.

 

This is not okay. It's borderline emotional abuse. Would you think this would have been okay to do in front of the kids.

 

Violence is never ok...no matter what a person's actions were preceding the plate throwing incident. I don't believe either person in this situation is handling their selves very well.

 

Steph request a therapy/mediator session with your husband. Something needs to change. The tension your kids must be feeling can only be very confusing.

 

Exactly.

 

How can you possibly tout yourself as a catch? You work too much, you don't usually make dinner, you don't do the laundry, you don't hardly ever have sex with your husband

 

I dont know why OP was trying to give herself pats on the back during this thread. Really?? However making dinner and doing laundry doesnt make a woman a catch. Sounds archaic. Other things that actually matter make you a great catch, however OP is lacking in those.

 

 

Just my opinion, but this marriage is over. Steph failed to engage and now her husband has disengaged. My advice is to remember that there is a 9- and 6-year-old involved and try to come to an amicable separation and divorce.

 

Agree. This has gotten so toxic all around.

 

I received a text earlier today from my ex-boss, my husband apparently started an "s storm" by getting his number and speaking with his wife. When I asked my husband, he said "it hurts when someone f's around with your feelings doesn't it?" and had a smirk on his face and walked off.

 

You've said you never had a physical or emotional affair with your ex boss. Is this actually true?? No flirty texts or emails? Why would your husband do this unless he had proof of something. If he doesn't and you havent had any sort of affair with this man at all, this is crossing a line. You don't contact people, professional acquaintances, and try to blow up their marriage. Especially with no proof. This sounds fishy.

 

 

IMO this entire situation has gotten so toxic, it will never go back to the way it was. It didnt even sound like you were in love with your husband, only that you enjoyed the security of the marriage itself. Your marriage was selfish and one-sided. It also doesn't sound like you understand your husbands POV or have empathy for him, you're only observing his reaction and noticing that it's impacting you negatively and that you "don't like it".

 

I think you should be seeing a therapist regardless. You have issues to work out.

[steph1980nyc]

Hey All -

 

First, I wanted to say things for the comments and the questions - up until this morning, things were definitely progressing but now i'm so angry I just need to vent.

 

So this morning, we had another counseling session - before entering the room, he was at least sitting next to me, and at one point cracking a few jokes which was a huge weight off my shoulders. But once we got back into the room things quickly went downhill....

 

The counselor asked me what I wanted to get out of today's session - I said I'd like to understand the events that occurred where my husband didn't come home for over 24 hours. I need to know what happened.

 

My husband calmly told me the truth - He went out to the bars to relax and get away from the situation where I was upset he didn't eat all the dinner I made him. He said he flirted with a few ladies and one invited him to her house. He went! I immediately felt my emotions boiling up and heart rate racing....I asked him what happened at her house. They "fooled around" - he claims it didn't go all the way. He then tried to justify what he did by saying what he did was wrong and felt weird so he didn't go further and that what he did still pales in comparison to what I did years ago. He went into a huge spiel about how I don't compliment him, how we are rarely intimate and how nice it felt to have a calm relaxing conversation with a woman who complimented him and paid him attention.

 

I told the counselor I heard enough and needed to leave and left. The past 6 or so hours I've just been sitting on the couch - I think it's reached the point where this is just too toxic to continue. I don't like what he's done and who knows now he could be jeopardizing my health if we ever became intimate again. what a cluster.

[CardsFan01]

I think it's reached the point where this is just too toxic to continue.

 

Pretty sure he beat you to that point.

 

Pretty good lesson for all here, if you don’t pay attention to your spouse, someone else will. Given the history you have described, I’m honestly surprised it’s taken him this long. I feel terrible for your children. This could have all been easily prevented.

[alsudduth]

 

My husband calmly told me the truth - He went out to the bars to relax and get away from the situation where I was upset he didn't eat all the dinner I made him. He said he flirted with a few ladies and one invited him to her house. He went! I immediately felt my emotions boiling up and heart rate racing....I asked him what happened at her house. They "fooled around" - he claims it didn't go all the way. He then tried to justify what he did by saying what he did was wrong and felt weird so he didn't go further and that what he did still pales in comparison to what I did years ago. He went into a huge spiel about how I don't compliment him, how we are rarely intimate and how nice it felt to have a calm relaxing conversation with a woman who complimented him and paid him attention.

 

 

By doing this, your husband has made himself no better than you. He cheated on you. This is a case where not only do two wrongs not make a right, two wrongs have definitely destroyed your marriage.

 

Your Husband feels justified in cheating because you did, and regardless of whether you deserved it or not it made the problems in your marriage worse. I don't think you guys are in it enough for your relationship to come back from this.

[basil67]

Sounds like counselling has come far too late. He got tired of your antics a long time ago and has already checked out.

[Yomachi]

Awww that sucks Steph

 

I'd still see an individual counsillor for your communication problems and your issues with feeling controlled (and a doctor for your vagismus), but now simply for you, not for your marriage anymore.

 

Whatever you and your husband decide to do, I wish you lots of strength.

 

If you guys decide to end it, I recommend to try your best to remain cordial and not play the blame game. It hasn't got any point and will only hurt you guys more in the long run to decide which percentage of the blame should be assigned to each side.

[CardsFan01]

Sounds like counselling has come far too late. He got tired of your antics a long time ago and has already checked out.

 

Exactly. It’s really a sad situation, and I’m really not trying to pile on. But there has been absolutely zero remorse for the behavior that caused this marriage to be where it is. I really want to feel sorry, but I can’t. I’m not saying what he did was right, but I have some empathy for why he did it.

[steph1980nyc]

That does suck, yes - but it was clear he had already checked out of the marriage long ago.

 

You are both to blame for the choices you've made and the way you've participated within the marriage.

 

Own your part in it - that way you can learn more about yourself for your future relationships.

 

One thing more - how do you think walking out solves anything? There's no value or anything gained by walking out. Why not stay and discuss what you don't like about what he shared? Have your communication skills always been this way? Are you open to improving those skills?

 

At that point, what difference would it make - he did what he did, talking about why he did it won't help - I know why he did it - he explained it all too clearly for me.

 

All he had to do was give me time, I was trying and now he self destructed everything. I can't even look at him when he comes home tonight. Don't know why he bothered to tell me - at least he was honest and calmly explained it. He wasn't mean about it or condescending

[BaileyB]

No Steph - you don't get to blame only him for all this...it may look like your golden opportunity but it doesn't work that way.

 

Leaving instead of staying wasn't solving anything.

 

 

Yes, you should have stayed and explained to him how you felt so you two could discuss how you felt. Then he could have explained how he's been feeling for YEARS!

 

He did that because of what you've been doing to him.

 

And now there's no way to make forward movement on any of it since you don't stay and express your feelings...and then to listen to him while he expresses how he feels...and then come up with some ideas about how to change ALL of it!

 

Ask for another appt to discuss all of it.

 

I'm really sorry, that must have been hard to hear Steph.

 

This is good advice if you want to try to save your marriage.

[basil67]

All he had to do was give me time, I was trying and now he self destructed everything.

 

No, everything was destructed way before this. He's already given you loads of time, but you weren't listening to him. I suspect he has nothing left to give you.