Broke NC just needing some support

[Transitions12]

Short backstory, because I have not been on in a while...its been 7 months since I have had sex with the EX AP. I am a MW, he is an Attached male, not married but living with girlfriend. We have had an on and off again thing for going on 3 years now, but I keep ending it, and then reconnecting. Unlike most people on here, he never gave me sweet words, or anything like that it was strictly sex in the beginning and I fell for him.

 

I do good for a long time and then I see him and it starts the whole talking thing up and then I realise its no good for me, hes a douchebag(so am I), and then I cease contact. Rinse repeat. WHY CANT I Get over this douche. Marriage has been going great, hubby has stepped up dates, we havent fought in a long time, etc....

I do good and then I start missing him why I dont know because like I said he was and has been disrespectful to me. Yesterday I saw him at the store and of course I texted him later. He said come over to my house and lets have sex. I have already told him 100000 times in the past I will never go to his house where he lives with his gf.....he just doesnt care. He doesnt care about me, I know. I just want to move on from feeling this way about him.

I hate small towns. We dont run in the same circles at all but this town is small.

I am proud I have resisted actually being with him this long, I feel good about that, but I almost broke down. I didnt though, my hubby deserves better and so do I. I am an intelligent, educated, decent looking woman with high confidence and good family. WHY did I get into this.........ugh. Thanks for reading my ramblings..just having a rough day.

[Adotta]

Why is a good question to ask.

 

What do you feel is lacking between you and hubby? You say this started as just sex so it had to be sex that you wanted right?

 

Is hubby not so compatable in the bed with you? Is it just the loss of passion? A size issue? Is this om more attractive? Do you LIKE being treated poorly? Are there things you do or feel more comfortable doing with this guy? What is this guy offer that your husband doesn't. Do you not respect your husband any more? Do you see him as a herbivore and see this om as a predator (in a sexy way)? How does hubby compare to this guy as a male specimen? There will always be somone "better" then hubby. But the flip side is there will always be women out there "better" then you that would be perfect for hubby. So why do you get to have your cake and eat it while hubby keeps it in his pants? That's at least a little unfair ain't it?

 

And yes your husband does deserve better. You need to figure this out. You also need to leave this town or something. You can't keep this cycle going. do you have kids?

 

You do know the best way to end this affair is to tell your husband right? I know you won't or you would have done it already but it IS the best way. If your husband finds out any other way you can cut your chances of being forgiven from 25 to 50 percent right down to 10 percent or lower.

Edited March 5, 2018 by Adotta

[Adoraxx]

Can you possibly move? It's what I had to do too... xMM was my neighbor

[Transitions12]

No, cant move at all.

Dude are you serious? The affair is over, I mean I am not hanging with him, having sex with him, nothing.

 

My husband was an addicted drug addict slothing away and neglecting me and kids when I met this dude. This is not an attractive thing. This was more of an we became friends and then we slept together a few times thing. Im not really even physically attracted to the OM.

 

The OM is not someone I would be with ever, hes a piece of work.

His size is bigger but come on, it wasnt about the sex for ME anyway, I felt like someone was giving me attention originally but it all went south.

I dont plan on ever being alone with him again in any way, but my feelings and thoughts still linger sometime.

I have told my hubby he can swing his D in other places besides mine and he said no. His sex drive is low. We have talked about all these things.

 

I just want to stop thinking and romancing the dude in my mind.

[Vivir]

Transitions, in your response to Adotta, you come across as quite practically aware of your motivations for having started dealing with this other man.

 

That awareness is one of the things that can save you here.

 

I do agree with Adotta, because one of the surefire ways to put a stop to your focusing on the OM would be to tell your husband... and that is because his world (and simultaneously yours) will be completely turned upside down. You won't be able to focus on anything but your husband and your home... But that is strictly YOUR decision to make; none of us have the authority or influence or power to make you do that or not do that.

 

As far as the other man goes, you're gonna have to play hardball here with yourself. You wrote:

 

 

We have had an on and off again thing for going on 3 years now, but I keep ending it, and then reconnecting.

I do good for a long time and then I see him and it starts the whole talking thing up and then I realise its no good for me, hes a douchebag(so am I), and then I cease contact. Rinse repeat. WHY CANT I Get over this douche.

 

I do good and then I start missing him why I dont know because like I said he was and has been disrespectful to me. Yesterday I saw him at the store and of course I texted him later. He said come over to my house and lets have sex. I have already told him 100000 times in the past I will never go to his house where he lives with his gf.....he just doesnt care. He doesnt care about me, I know. I just want to move on from feeling this way about him.

 

You haven't had sex with him in seven months, that is great. I am proud of you, too. But with this OM, your credibility is shot. In my honest opinion, you need to change the frame, change the way you're thinking about this. Think like the other man...

 

You're reconnecting with him after breaking it off repeatedly. You're going to have to find a way to break this cycle. When you see him, you should be doing an about face and heading in the opposite direction. He is disrespectful to you, so your engaging him is you being disrespectful to yourself and to your husband. Your husband is putting forth a real effort to better your marriage; this speaks to him wanting you to be happy because he loves you. Let your thoughts focus on making him happy, too, and be so consumed with these thoughts that you have no room to think of the other man.

 

Because... the other man is behaving in such a way that he thinks that because he has slept with you before, he can do it again. You'll have to prove him wrong.

 

He thinks that if you talk to him, he's got you.

 

If you respond to him, he's got you.

 

If he makes googly eyes at you in the supermarket, or even flat out rebuffs you, you'll send him a text, and he's got you...

 

Even though you say No... your actions say Yes.

 

And he is likely relishing in the idea that he has made a fool of your unsuspecting husband. I do agree with Adotta here, too, in that if your husband finds out from some other source, it won't be pretty.

 

And.... you don't even like the other man like that... you're not attracted to him at all...

 

Take the focus OFF of him. That is your challenge. And the awareness I picked up on in your response to Adotta is a great place to start. Feeling weak about it sometimes is normal, but you're really gonna have to STOP engaging altogether.

[whichwayisup]

It keeps happening because you let it happen. Also, you haven't suffered any consequences...Meaning, your H has no clue about your on/off again 3 year affair. If he knew and you saw his pain, his mistrust in you, lost respect and even love - Then maybe you'd NOT want to cheat on him with this other guy.

[TurningTables]

Just because she tells her husband about the affair, does NOT mean the affair will stop. It is foolish to think this.

 

You need to get into counseling yesterday. If not just to deal with the affair but probably all the emotional and mental baggage from your husbands issues.

[Vivir]

Turning Tables, Transitions has already stopped the physical aspect of the affair; she just keeps reopening the lines of communication with this other man.

 

I agree that anyone telling a spouse that he or she is currently cheating may not stop an affair, but it will likely make it incredibly difficult - especially in the immediate aftermath - to maintain the status quo because the WS will have his or her world turned upside down in that instant.

[whichwayisup]

Just because she tells her husband about the affair, does NOT mean the affair will stop. It is foolish to think this.

 

You need to get into counseling yesterday. If not just to deal with the affair but probably all the emotional and mental baggage from your husbands issues.

 

It makes her accountable of her decisions. It gives her more reason to stay in NC and not start up the affair again.

[TurningTables]

Turning Tables, Transitions has already stopped the physical aspect of the affair; she just keeps reopening the lines of communication with this other man.

 

I agree that anyone telling a spouse that he or she is currently cheating may not stop an affair, but it will likely make it incredibly difficult - especially in the immediate aftermath - to maintain the status quo because the WS will have his or her world turned upside down in that instant.

 

Doesn’t matter if she stopped the PA. It’s still an EA. She needs to get into IC to help her figure it out.

[TurningTables]

It makes her accountable of her decisions. It gives her more reason to stay in NC and not start up the affair again.

 

Sorry...

 

But I have seen the opposite over and over. Why do you think that you see so many OW on here saying that after a dday, their MM came back? Confessing not a dday rarely stops the A. It only delays it and forces it underground.