My gf hurt and kill animals in the past, should I be concerned?

[bathtub-row]

What I hear in that message is anger and vengefulness - like she’s putting Linda in her place. I think this person has a whole wealth of poison stewing inside her. I wouldn’t trust my hamster with her, much less my kids.

[MsJayne]

I'm going to go out on a limb here and put another spin on it. What's Linda's motivation for dredging this up? Whenever someone tells me nasty stuff about another person the first thing I question is why they're telling me. Sounds like Linda's got a little revenge trip going on herself.

It's true that torturing animals is a common pre-cursor to far more serious behavioural problems, but most children don't grow up to be serial killers, it's more likely an indicator that the child has been emotionally neglected to the point where it's psychological abuse - small animals are an easy target for a lost and confused child to vent their anger on. Likewise the bullying of other children in school is often a reflection of an unhealthy home life where bullying is considered normal behaviour.

You've been with your GF for 4 years, I think you've known her long enough to have noticed if there's some hideous psychopath lurking inside her. Maybe the reason she's never told you about this herself is that she's ashamed and embarrassed about it, and possibly doesn't talk about it because it dredges up some other aspect of her childhood which she doesn't want to tell anyone about.

I'm certainly not excusing cruelty to animals or bullying of other kids, but she was a child, and kids behave in stupid, thoughtless ways because they don't know any better.

Whatever, I think Linda's a bit of an A-Hole and should stop gobbing off and interfering in other people lives under the guise of being concerned.

[bathtub-row]

I'm going to go out on a limb here and put another spin on it. What's Linda's motivation for dredging this up? Whenever someone tells me nasty stuff about another person the first thing I question is why they're telling me. Sounds like Linda's got a little revenge trip going on herself.

It's true that torturing animals is a common pre-cursor to far more serious behavioural problems, but most children don't grow up to be serial killers, it's more likely an indicator that the child has been emotionally neglected to the point where it's psychological abuse - small animals are an easy target for a lost and confused child to vent their anger on. Likewise the bullying of other children in school is often a reflection of an unhealthy home life where bullying is considered normal behaviour.

You've been with your GF for 4 years, I think you've known her long enough to have noticed if there's some hideous psychopath lurking inside her. Maybe the reason she's never told you about this herself is that she's ashamed and embarrassed about it, and possibly doesn't talk about it because it dredges up some other aspect of her childhood which she doesn't want to tell anyone about.

I'm certainly not excusing cruelty to animals or bullying of other kids, but she was a child, and kids behave in stupid, thoughtless ways because they don't know any better.

Whatever, I think Linda's a bit of an A-Hole and should stop gobbing off and interfering in other people lives under the guise of being concerned.

 

I agree with some of this. We do have to wonder why it was dredged up. However, his gf isn’t making any real defense for herself where Linda is concerned. The truth is, abusing or stabbing animals is not a normal response. Even if it was due to her upbringing, the problem is, this is what she grew up with. I know it sounds harsh but when people are broken to that degree, it is high risk to be with them and establish a home and family life with them. The risk is very, very high, as well as the stakes.

 

I have an expression that I live by — Don’t gamble if you can’t afford to lose. Just read some of the stories on this site from people who have had children with abusers. It’s a nightmare of huge proportions, and it lasts a lifetime.

[Springsummer]

I'm certainly not excusing cruelty to animals or bullying of other kids, but she was a child, and kids behave in stupid, thoughtless ways because they don't know any better. .

 

 

Children can behave in stupid an thoughtless ways, but cruelty should not be one of them.

 

I sometimes could be stupid and and thoughtless, even as an adult, but cruelty? I don't think I have ever done anything cruel. It is just not in my nature.

 

I love my cat dearly. He is almost like my child. I could never hurt my cat in a million years. I couldn't love my cat enough. I take good care of my cat in every ways I can. and he loves me right back. you know, animal does have a spirit.

 

Can your girlfriend feel the pains and sufferings of others? is she generally a compassionate and sympathetic person? Does she care social injustice? Has she ever cried?

Edited March 7, 2018 by Springsummer

[todreaminblue]

I have a friend my best friend actually.....a single mum she was going out with this guy (she is an animal lover) .....he was a massive guy.....tall and big.....he was always jealous of me.....he told her he didnt like me at all ....but he would come round to my house without her..leave her at home....which i told her about because it felt wrong....

 

so she shared some troubling things about him with me..one of them was about a homeless starving cat..this cat climbed through his kitchen window and started eating a steak he had thawing on the kitchen drainer.....and so he snuck up on it picked it up and began to strangle it...he explained how the cat fought for its life....how it scratched him up trying to live...and i dont remember if he actually succeeded in killing that cat( i actually wrote kid here had to edit animals and kids to me are the same)..my heart tells me the cat lost.... my brain shook with the though of a cat being strangled to death who just wanted a little food..it traumatized my friend and from that moment he told her that...she felt differently about him.....they ended up breaking up...he was also ...cruel verbally to her children....he had his own child by another relationship that also split up..

 

i was glad when my friend split with him.....i will be glad to hear also when you decide ....this might not be a good woman......

 

there a certain type of ...rage you have to have ...to kill or hurt vulnerable animals or.....kids......they are the same...its what i am trying to say...animals and kids.....are the same.....im not talking abbatoir workers who kill livestock...im talking pet animals ......that are trusting....yes as kids we do silly things .......we make mistakes....but at eleven ....you know what you are doing.....you know right from wrong.....you have an understanding of what life means.....to breathe...to look after an animal to have a pet ....to love ..to feel compassion....

 

..you know these things....unless you are mentally impaired ..she doesnt sound mentally impaired to me.....you know what is right to do and what is not...kids get angry.....for sure.....some kids have rough home lives and are abused.......bullied neglected....even so....to contain a rage within you enough to take a knife to a cat that trusts you to be close enough to it....is a straight out defect.....defective ...troubling...disturbing.......in need of help asap.....which she never got...linda might have told you for any number of reasons...one might have been ...she was concerned for you.....whatever the reason....it is better that you now know so you can make informed and right decisions........

 

i have hung out with murderers not by choice ok...i have been places where people have died and had to sit there....... i was told what these guys did and to whom..god watched over me ....i still dotn know how i made it through.......and even though i dont want to believe it...there's no fixing some people who dont feel broken, killers are killers and they do start somewhere.....somehow...the rage....and lack of empathy within her...is going to touch you and change you forever...............leave her.......deb........

[MsJayne]

Children can behave in stupid an thoughtless ways, but cruelty should not be one of them.

 

Very true. This would be a question I would want an answer to, what did the adults do about this behaviour? Did anyone try to look into it further and help the kid, or did they all just stand 'round the school gate gossiping about an 11 year old?I would be directing this question at Linda being as she's obviously the go-to gossip for information on the subject.

It's very rare that a person is born with disturbed behaviour patterns unless there's an organic cause, very often a child acting out vicious behaviour is 'leaking' internalised rage. Adults who observe it and do nothing are a disgrace.

[todreaminblue]

Very true. This would be a question I would want an answer to, what did the adults do about this behaviour? Did anyone try to look into it further and help the kid, or did they all just stand 'round the school gate gossiping about an 11 year old?I would be directing this question at Linda being as she's obviously the go-to gossip for information on the subject.

It's very rare that a person is born with disturbed behaviour patterns unless there's an organic cause, very often a child acting out vicious behaviour is 'leaking' internalised rage. Adults who observe it and do nothing are a disgrace.

 

Adults who observe it and do nothing are a disgrace.

 

couldnt agree more...

 

there's a duty of care adults are given to watch over children to nurture impressionable minds and hearts.....i have too add though

 

 

its not always the adults fault that issues arent dealt with..especially if the adult involved is feeling grief and guilt over an animal of theirs who was hurt and maimed......it can be a complete breakdown in organisations to support and guide parents as well...as parents .....and as children we all make mistakes...on the adults side there could have been a helplessness shame embarasment horror and revulsion they had that made them feel they couldn't ask for help for their child ....they felt responsible for her actions.......the gossip you speak of...could have been someone reaching out for advice and help....not knowing who to turn too....deb.......

[KevinDuff90]

todreaminblue,

I'm sorry to hear about the green tree frog. Assuming that boy was beyond the age of developmental skills where you already have an understanding of right and wrong, what he did was beyond childhood mischievousness.

I remember playing ding-dong ditch with my friends as a kid or egging an old abandoned house where it was always empty (it was said to be somewhat haunted) but that was it. However, never did it cross our minds to kill living things.

 

 

From what I'm getting from Linda is my gf's parents would leave her alone for hours many times, give more attention to her older sister and dismissed her acts as a stage she'll eventually outgrow.

 

 

Normally Linda doesn't get involve in people's relationships but she felt this was something serious to address.

[KevinDuff90]

Can your girlfriend feel the pains and sufferings of others? is she generally a compassionate and sympathetic person? Does she care social injustice? Has she ever cried?

During the whole time we've been together yes.

I only saw her crying twice; when her grandmother died and at her funeral.

[KevinDuff90]

Did anyone try to look into it further and help the kid, or did they all just stand 'round the school gate gossiping about an 11 year old?I would be directing this question at Linda being as she's obviously the go-to gossip for information on the subject.

It's very rare that a person is born with disturbed behaviour patterns unless there's an organic cause, very often a child acting out vicious behaviour is 'leaking' internalised rage. Adults who observe it and do nothing are a disgrace.

Apparently not much was done except when her parents and she moved somewhere else.

Whenever Linda would address it to the parents, they would dismissed it as a phase she'll outgrow.

[todreaminblue]

todreaminblue,

I'm sorry to hear about the green tree frog. Assuming that boy was beyond the age of developmental skills where you already have an understanding of right and wrong, what he did was beyond childhood mischievousness.

I remember playing ding-dong ditch with my friends as a kid or egging an old abandoned house where it was always empty (it was said to be somewhat haunted) but that was it. However, never did it cross our minds to kill living things.

 

 

From what I'm getting from Linda is my gf's parents would leave her alone for hours many times, give more attention to her older sister and dismissed her acts as a stage she'll eventually outgrow.

 

 

Normally Linda doesn't get involve in people's relationships but she felt this was something serious to address.

 

 

i dont know about the boy lets call him steve ...that was his name.....i felt ....an impairment there....he couldn't sit still in class.....he would rock......i couldn't talk to him, i was six and he was in my class....but i felt a need to stay close to him ....watch him during morning tea and lunch........his little sister had a major accident when she was little got her hand caught in an exercise bike...lost her fingers on that hand.....he was with her when it happened from what i was told....i dont know if he was all there at any point in time..so not aware...i can say....even at six i felt...something was wrong or could go wrong with him....there were two teachers at my school......a principal who taught grade four through to six and my teacher who taught kindergarten through to grade three.....you know thinking about it ...how do you do that.....teach four grades....in grade one i was doing grade three work....and when i was in grade three i was doing grade six.....and i read above grade six work.....when i went back to a "normal school" in grade four....i found the work....way too easy....but anyway.....he was well below grade and was often disruptive....but anyhow

 

i feel linda did the right thing by you it is serious....and disturbing.....i believe you were warned.....without it being a direct one....is your gf open to counselling....at all.and are you open to getting help for yourself...err on the side of caution and just get support and counselling anyway......deb

Edited March 8, 2018 by todreaminblue

[d0nnivain]

KevinDuff

 

You have known your GF for 4 years as an adult.

 

When she was a child she did some disturbing things, hurting animals & giving a classmate a black eye.

 

You recently met "Linda" the mother of the little boy with the black eye & the pet parent of some rabbits your GF hurt when she was 10 years old. Linda has not seem or heard from your GF since your GF was 11. Linda has no information about your GF's life from age 11 through the present.

 

You mentioned that your GF's parents kind of swept her issues under the rug, saying she'll grow out of it. That is a very dangerous & cavalier attitude but since your GF has done nothing you find odd in the 4 years you have known her, maybe the parents were right.

 

Because you were concerned, your GF did issue an apology to Linda for her childhood actions. Considering that she was a child at the time with limited ability to understand the consequences of her actions & certainly not their psychological causes, years later as an adult she may not appreciate how scary / warped her actions were but you'd think she'd be a bit more horrified. While I could forgive your GF as a child, her adult response is a bit more troubling. If as an adult she still can't conceptualize why her childhood behavior borders on psychotic, you may not know her as well as you think you do & she may very well have some deep seated problems which require professional intervention.

 

Have you asked your GF if she remembers the animal incidents and how she feels about them now, looking back? If she expresses genuine horror, fine. If she's blasé about the whole thing I don't know that I'd continue to date her.

Edited March 8, 2018 by d0nnivain

[LivingWaterPlease]

You're gf's note of apology to Linda seemed perfunctory to me.

 

No matter how mean-spirited Linda is the fact that your gf did these things years ago, not one time but many times, would be alarming were I in your place.

 

In Linda's place, many people would not tell you what your gf had done because they wouldn't want to be considered a trouble maker. It's a risk she took to do so. She did the right and brave thing, or the right and mean-spirited thing, depending on her motivations.

 

Whatever her motivations were, to me, is a non issue as it pertains to you. You are very fortunate she told you.

 

I also think it's possible there may be things you're missing picking up on about your gf. People do it all the time. That is why when you see such an enormous red flag like this waving, you are very fortunate.

 

From her note alone it seems to me she hasn't yet realized what awful things she did. And that does not bode well for her future and the future of those who are in close relationships with her, especially if they're in any way at her mercy.

[Foxy Knoxy]

As long as she keeps proving to be NOT cruel now, you shouldn't be worried and have every reason to believe she changed.

[Keats]

I would be scared to have children with her.

 

Because having children does a job on women.

 

That is when she will unravel.

 

Plenty of kind women with great characters and stable childhoods, have the desire to kill themselves and their babies when they undergo this brutal process of childbirth. Because it's brutal. Women are just tough but it is brutal.

 

It's a taboo that no one dares speak about, but it's present. The silent epedemic of troubled mothers.

 

The thing about your gf is, her adult reaction is disurbing and dismissive.

 

For example, and sorry this is a harsh one, a rapist could analyse himself and say "I raped her because I felt power and control", that's not an analyses at all, this is just self centeredness. A rapist who truly analyses his actions would say "my mother raped me, so I lost control and power, etc etc"

 

Also her apology is insulting.

 

It doesn't matter if Linda is conniving. Conniving is better than animal torture. Plus you don't have to live with Linda. Linda wasn't given justice by your gfs parents, who were also dismissive about violent behaviour.

 

I'd be worried to leave my kids with my gfs parents as well.

 

Also, children by their very nature would never engage in violent behaviour.

 

Unless extreme situations caused them to act out.

 

So get to know your gf. Because you don't know her that well, it seems.

 

We may change and become better people in the future. But what happens in childhood is very important.

Edited March 10, 2018 by Keats

[heavenonearth]

I am appalled by this thread.

 

First off, i can’t believe some people shake your GFs behavior off as something “silly” she did as a child.

 

Anybody who abuses animals has no disregard for another being. Be it an animal or a human animal.

 

Your girlfriend sounds like a sociopath. It seems she knows very well what she is hiding and there seem to be some deeply rooted issues that have not shown to you yet; but just you wait.

 

I could not live with this. If my partner tortured animals as a kid - i would leave him. Not only because it is an indicator for a lack of empathy, but just because i couldn’t even look them in the eyes anymore. For what they have done is so gruesome... I’d be scared they lash out on my pets eventually.

 

I have a friend who’s rooomate broke up with her boyfriend of several years. No signs of anger there, but after she left him, he broke into the apartment of hers and poisoned her cat. Who knows what this guy was capable of, who knows what he practiced on as a kid.

 

If they do it once, they have the capability to do it again.

 

I would not trust this woman, ever.

 

If i were you, i would break up with her and i would make sure she is not allowed to come even close to you or anyone Who is dear to you.

[doyathinkso]

A child's enjoyment of the torture and murder of helpless animals is one of the first tells of a tendency towards psychopathic behaviours.

 

Psychopathy is a spectrum. May be a little, may be a lot.

 

It is a wiring problem in the brain. It cannot be unlearned. It cannot be cured. It cannot be changed. It can only be controlled by the individual if they are aware of their difference and they actually care enough to do something about it.

 

Unfortunately full-blown psychopaths are unable to care about anything. They have no real emotions. They can only mimic what they see in other people.

 

Hopefully in your gf's case she is not that far into that end of the spectrum.

[KevinDuff90]

My gf has been evasive with my recent questions about her childhood and her past relationships. Her answers were vague and she expressed her disappointment in my distrust. She doesn't want to seek help either because she thinks she's cured already and it was so long ago. It's been nearly 6 hours since she isn't speaking to me at this moment because I supposedlyhurt her feelings with my doubts and questions about our relationship.

 

 

Not sure if this might have been a sign but from the beginning, she never shared in details about her childhood other than the 4 different school names she went and her favorite school subjects. Upon meeting her family, they seemed like a nearly perfect family.

 

 

In addition, I don't know too much about her sexual past other than she had a couple relationships and lost her virginity at the age of 15. She would change the topic fast and suddenly, I would forget the conversation and disregard it.

 

 

This is what her recent answers were like

- The last time she hurt and killed an animal: a couple months after her 13th b-day

- If the cat was the first one she stabbed to death: nope it wasn't

- If she hurt another pet: someone else's dog was ruled to have died out of old age but she poisoned its food

- If she has any remorse: yes but doesn't want to talk about it anymore

- What she felt at that moment: control, power trip and somewhat thrill

[heavenonearth]

My gf has been evasive with my recent questions about her childhood and her past relationships. Her answers were vague and she expressed her disappointment in my distrust. She doesn't want to seek help either because she thinks she's cured already and it was so long ago. It's been nearly 6 hours since she isn't speaking to me at this moment because I supposedlyhurt her feelings with my doubts and questions about our relationship.

 

 

Not sure if this might have been a sign but from the beginning, she never shared in details about her childhood other than the 4 different school names she went and her favorite school subjects. Upon meeting her family, they seemed like a nearly perfect family.

 

 

In addition, I don't know too much about her sexual past other than she had a couple relationships and lost her virginity at the age of 15. She would change the topic fast and suddenly, I would forget the conversation and disregard it.

 

 

This is what her recent answers were like

- The last time she hurt and killed an animal: a couple months after her 13th b-day

- If the cat was the first one she stabbed to death: nope it wasn't

- If she hurt another pet: someone else's dog was ruled to have died out of old age but she poisoned its food

- If she has any remorse: yes but doesn't want to talk about it anymore

- What she felt at that moment: control, power trip and somewhat thrill

 

 

I don’t know how you can love someone who’s been so cruel to another living being. Animals feel pain just like us humans.

This is unacceptable.

 

You wouldn’t excuse her behavior if she had stabbed a person.

 

Why do you draw a line because the beings she hurt were not humans?

They were living, breathing beings who were suffering because of this terrible psychopathic person you are still making excuses for.

 

I am nauseated because of this.

I can’t believe it’s even up for discussion that you consider staying with her.

[KevinDuff90]

I think I'm going to reconsider the relationship. She's not willing to disclose much about her past and it's like I'm now at fault for distrusting her.

 

 

As much as she claimed have remorse for everything she did back then, for some reason her answers don't really convey that message.

[KevinDuff90]

I don’t know how you can love someone who’s been so cruel to another living being. Animals feel pain just like us humans.

This is unacceptable.

 

You wouldn’t excuse her behavior if she had stabbed a person.

 

Why do you draw a line because the beings she hurt were not humans?

They were living, breathing beings who were suffering because of this terrible psychopathic person you are still making excuses for.

 

I am nauseated because of this.

I can’t believe it’s even up for discussion that you consider staying with her.

I'm reconsidering the relationship at this point. The part about poisoning the dog (someone else's pet) nearly made me puke.

 

 

How could I have missed anything?

[mammasita]

I guess I watch too much ID-Tv......um, yeah I'd be worried as ****

 

"sleep with one eye open, gripping my pillow tiiiiiiiigggggght"

[bathtub-row]

It seems like the more info you learn about this person, the worse things get. Killing an animal at 13?? A person is very aware of what they’re doing at that age. So, even if you could shove aside the things she did when she was very young, this is highly disturbing.

 

People say that sociopaths learn to mimick the behavior of normal people so that they don’t stand out. This is why you missed the signs. She’s become very good at hiding them. But at this stage, I have no doubts about her mental state. The problem is, if you continue with her, there will most likely be triggers in the future that will set off a tragic chain of events. For example, under normal circumstances, having children bring stressors into people’s lives and they can sometimes test you to your limits. It begs the question - what will this animal-killer do when faced with those stressors? Would you ever feel comfortable leaving your children in her care?

 

I was married to a verbally abusive guy once. The marriage was very short-lived. I had wanted another child (I already had one from a previous marriage) but when I saw what he was really like, I knew there was no way in hell I was going to have a child with that guy. He became a nightmare on wheels. Had I had a child with him, he would still be in my life one way or another. So glad I walked away from the whole thing. But the key here is that I didn’t know he was that nuts. He kept it well-hidden until he had me where he wanted me.

 

As someone else mentioned, you’ll never be able to get this out of your head and you’ll never look at her in the same way again. She’s upset because the jig is up and she knows it. I know it sounds ridiculous but you need to exercise great caution with her from now on. Abusive people have a morbid fear of being abandoned and once they get wind of it, they are very dangerous animals.

[Keats]

13 years old, is really really old to dismiss or excuse such behaviour.

 

I can see why she's so upset. It's natural.

 

But at the same time, it's kind of sickening and disturbing, her adult behaviour is again in dealing with this, because she can't see why killing and torturing animals wouldn't move someone, to promt further investigation.

 

She didn't tell you about her past. She doesn't want to deal with it. And how can you be close to such a person anyway who won't share their lives, dark or light of it.

 

I'd be so piss scared to have kids with her. Even protected sex would be very scary just in case of accidental pregnancy.

Edited March 11, 2018 by Keats

[bradt93]

Well my feelings are hurt that she hurt those animals. I don't forgive her. How could she STAB a cat? Is this really for real?

 

Have you two had a fight yet?

I know seriously, if someone stabbed my cat, they would be a lot in trouble, not just by the law, but by my fists.