Having second thoughts about a friends with benefits relationship. He's married

[Seducedbypassion]

I meant this guy in a online chat room 1 year ago. We became good friends. But now we've decided to be FWB. I found out that he's married 3 months ago. But still the sexual attraction was still so strong. So that's when we decided to have this kind of hook up thing. I'm worried because he seems jealous of other guys,tells me I can own his winky,that he's thinking of me and needs to hear from me a million times a day or seems like it. All this and we haven't even hooked up yet. I know what the limits are in this situation and he says that he does too. But I'm not so sure. I'm not a home wrecker. Do you think he's interested in more than sex? I'm not at all. Can this workout? I know I'm setting myself up to be judged. I appreciate any feedback. Thanks

[central]

It's best to avoid married people unless they have an open relationship which their spouse is willing to verify. There are lots of unattached people who want what you want - find one of them.

[CatMinx]

No, it cannot work out..nothing good will come of this. The ONLY way you can fix this is to cut this man out of your life completely and forever.

 

Go read up in the OW/OM section for a healthy dose of reality.

[Exformer]

Perhaps all he wants is sex. Of course, this brings up the question: if all he's looking for is sex, why can't he just get that from his wife, and why did he have to go find that person online? Sex is sex, if that's all you're looking for. He could have random hook ups with strangers...there's no need to befriend someone first and build a relationship outside of sex if that's all he's looking for. More likely, he's looking for some form of escape beyond just sex. He began by starting an online friendship with you, which tethers you beyond sex. He's shown jealously and wants attention from you outside of having a physical relationship, which also implies that its about more than just sex.

 

Basically, all you've told us about him is that he's clingy, jealous and a liar (Assuming that he hasn't informed his wife about you)...do you even want that to work out?

 

I found out that he's married 3 months ago. So that's when we decided to have this kind of hook up thing[...]I'm not a home wrecker.

 

You're actively choosing to begin an affair with a married man. Home wrecking is what happens when he gets caught...which will happen eventually. Home wrecking also happens as he shifts focus from his family and starts to prioritize you...which will happen too.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm not a home wrecker.

 

Yet.

 

It sounds like this guy wants to start a full-blown affair with you. Unless you love drama, find an unmarried man as a FWB.

 

What was the online chat room about?

 

Also, as an aside, any man who calls his junk his "winky" would be a hard pass for me.

[HiCrunchy]

Girl he is trying to groom you.

I would stay far away from this. It screams mess..

[HiCrunchy]

 

Also, as an aside, any man who calls his junk his "winky" would be a hard pass for me.

 

I laughed so hard at that. All I could imagine was a dude with a raging boner saying "Girl u know u want this winky"

Oh man.

[imsosad]

Right. So how many friends do you have that keep their marital status from you for 9 months?

You describe your relationship as "good friends". How can you be close with someone, when you don't know the first thing about then?

This has heartbreak and disaster written all over it.

The chances of him wanting more than just sex are next to nill, but read this board for a while and you'll find that while the men stay in that state of mind, the women generally form a strong emotional attachment to the married guy.

He could disappear after you have sex.

You might meet up and find all the online attraction doesn't translate in to real life.

You could have a strictly sexual affair and when his eife finds out, smear you all over social media.

Lots of things can happen, all of them scenarios you want to avoid.

You can still remain dignified and maintain boundaries. Tell him you do not want to be his dirty secret, cut off all ties and invest your time and energy in to healthy, fulfilling goals and relationships.

[BaileyB]

It's not called "friends with benefits" when someone is married, it's called an affair. And your title is officially, "the other woman."

 

But, you haven't even hooked up yet? So, it's actually an emotional affair... with a man who seems jealous and controlling when he has absolutely no right to be -- considering that he is married to another woman.

 

Seriously, what do you hope to get out of this little affair? Because, in the cost benefit analysis, I'm struggling to come up with any benefit for you.

 

Save yourself a ton of pain and get out now! Be a woman of integrity. Otherwise, you will be a homewrecker and your life will never be the same... this has DISASTER written all over it...

[Scoutjr]

This does not sound like a good idea to me.

[bathtub-row]

I agree with the other poster. This isn’t an FWB situation. On the other hand, you might want to ask yourself how you can still be turned on by a guy who has blatantly lied to you, and committed his life to someone else VERY RECENTLY. It begs the question: what ELSE is he lying about??

[Poppy47]

He's a married sleaze bag.

 

Delete him and all thoughts of him and look for a good single guy.

 

Poppy.

[ja123]

Somehow you'll need to look into the reasons you're entertaining this idea with this man.

 

Is it that you don't want a "real" relationship? If so, why not?

 

Is it due to low self-esteem? You may unconsciously think that you do not deserve better.

 

Only you can answer these questions.

 

I'd be very afraid of his jealousy. Aren't you?

[Ruby Slippers]

The internet is swarming with married men looking for a side chick. I understand the temptation, as these married men are often more appealing as men than single ones. And if you can believe what the majority of them say, there are a lot of lazy, unappreciative wives out there. I myself was recently tempted by an internet "friend" who's unhappily married. I NEVER imagined I'd be tempted by someone like this, but somehow he captured a glimmer of interest.

 

All I had to do was read up on the experience of being "the other woman" to realize what a bad idea it would be to meet him. Once you go there, you can't ever go back.

[whichwayisup]

You're not a homewrecker, he is the one cheating on his wife and betraying her, but you are helping him hurt her in the worst way possible.

 

If you want it over, end it. He is married and isn't going to leave his wife and family to start a new life with you. What you're doing is only going to hurt you as time goes on and you fall deeper for him and become more attached.

 

Don't you think you deserve a single guy who you don't have to hide and lie to your friends and family about him? I'm guessing they don't know you are having an A with a MM.

 

The choice is yours, get out now and grieve the loss, then when the timing is better, date (single) guys.

[S2B]

meant this guy in a online chat room 1 year ago. We became good friends. But now we've decided to be FWB. I found out that he's married 3 months ago. But still the sexual attraction was still so strong. So that's when we decided to have this kind of hook up thing. I'm worried because he seems jealous of other guys,tells me I can own his winky,that he's thinking of me and needs to hear from me a million times a day or seems like it. All this and we haven't even hooked up yet. I know what the limits are in this situation and he says that he does too. But I'm not so sure. I'm not a home wrecker. Do you think he's interested in more than sex? I'm not at all. Can this workout? I know I'm setting myself up to be judged. I appreciate any feedback. Thanks!

 

No, it can't work out!

 

If you need assurance of that - call his wife and ask her!

 

You own his penis? Hardly... this guy is a liar a million times over...you just fell hard for all the lies.

 

Dump him- fast!

[Bufo]

It’s a simple matter of mathematics. Each entry is given (very optimistically) 50-50 odds. In real life 1 in 10 might be more accurate but I’ll make the favorable case. In case you think I am somehow trying to influence your decision by lies.

 

You are attracted to each other physically. 50%

He respects your schedule and work and interests. 50%

You have shared interests outside of the bedroom. 50%

You never waste time by your phone waiting for call/text. 50%

It ends well by mutual consent/no tears. 50%

You don’t miss another and better opportunity while with him. 50%

You never fool yourself into thinking it’s true love. 50%

 

Here is the math. 50% = 1/2. 1/2 x 1/2 x1/2 x1/2 x 1/2 x 1/2 x 1/2 = 1/128.

 

Yes, one chance in 12& of this proposed affair being satisfactory over its course.

 

Do the math with 1/4 chances or 1/10 chances. Far worse odds.

 

Do what you want but first use your brain. Oh, and read what others are saying to you here. Ever hear the phrase “been there done that”? Some of us have been there and done that. Some learned the hard way what they’re telling you now.

[waterwoman]

'winky' ???

 

Really? If you can have sex with the man I think you can be grown up enough to call his penis by its proper name

 

Anyway..... you won't be a homewrecker, he will. but if he can do this so soon after marriage I suspect it will be wrecked sooner or later.

[Vivir]

I think this married man referred to his penis as his "winky" -- which might even be worse...

[CatMinx]

Girl he is trying to groom you.

I would stay far away from this. It screams mess..

 

Groom her for what? They're already sleeping together..he doesn't need to convince her of anything. She said in her first post that they've been hooking up for a year now.

[Seducedbypassion]

I actually said in my post that we have been friends for 1 year. I have not slept with him.

[aussietigerwolf]

I laughed so hard at that. All I could imagine was a dude with a raging boner saying "Girl u know u want this winky"

Oh man.

Bahahaha if a guy said this to me then i would not be able to stop laughing.

[Laura81]

If it's this confusing now, this about how confusing and hurtful it's going to be 6 months - 1 year down the line. Get out while it's still easy (enough). It'll be easier now, I promise.

[BourneWicked]

I think this married man referred to his penis as his "winky" -- which might even be worse...

 

I needed a laugh today :lmao:

[Seducedbypassion]

I had no idea for 9mos that he was married. He made me believe that he was a single guy looking for just hook ups with someone. I was just getting out of a 10yr live in relationship.. When I was no longer with my ex . mm and I were talking and I told him I was just going to find someone to have no strings dates with and I didn't want a committed relationship period. After awhile he asked if I wanted to be in a Fwb with him telling me how sexy ,funny and smart I was .He pointed out that we were friends already. I eventually said yes to him. His not telling me that he was married continued for at least 2mos more. I did start liking him a lot I admit it. He has know idea that I felt that way. I think I was in denial about my feelings I mean before he confessed he was married.

 

I tried to tell him last night that it's a big mistake to go through with our fwb relationship. He texted me back telling me that I'm the only one he wants to have fwb with. And how he wants to have fun in and out of bed with me.

 

Putting aside the married issue which is the worst factor. He wants to know what I'm doing all the time where I am at and tells me he misses me when I can't text him for awhile .Lots of messages that he's thinking of me. Before he goes to bed he asks for a pic of me so he can sleep better and dream about me ugh. All non Fwb behavior. More like I feel he's obsessed with me and felt like I was getting in deep and into something that might not be a good situation. Way be for the married part came into the picture.