I think my “boyfriend” is getting divorced

[Conflictedlou]

I had a sometimes physical affair with a work colleague. We are both married and long distance. I ended the physical a while back but we have gradually had more phone contact. Sometimes we talk everyday at work. Sometimes for hours. We mostly got back in touch because I have a legal background and he called saying he was worried about his kids. His wife has a pretty extreme drinking problem. I’ve tried to not get attached and keep in mind that they never actually leave. He called today and said he was leaving his lawyer’s office. His wife is being served in 2 days. I’m spinning. He’s terrified. I tried to be a friend and help him plan some logistics. He is filing for full custody of his two kids and we talked about ways to help them adjust a lot. I’m not sure if this changes anything for me or not. I can’t see not being his friend through this but also don’t want to cause more pain than I have already.

[Adotta]

Man why do they almost never mention the husband besides to admit he exists? I sometimes find myself hoping the husband is a monster sp that in some small way at least he deserves being cheated on.

 

You WILL be back in a PA as long as your friends with him. You are still in an affair and you know it. Respect your husband. Stop talking with this guy.

 

Could you please talk about your relationship with HUBBY? I know it's probably a pain in the butt and a waste of time for you but it helps us understand a little more.

 

The only reason this affair isn't physical right now is because it's long distance. Grow up girl. Put your big girl panties on and decide one way or another. You can't have your husband and this guy. It's selfish and not even healthy for you as well.

 

You need to decide. One or the other. You can not stay "friends" with 5his guy while married. You have to go NC. If your marriage is garbage then divorce your husband and do what you want. As it is your disrespecting your husband ,family and most importantly yourself. Your are slapping labels on your own back I'm sure you don't want to be labeled as.

[minimariah]

Man why do they almost never mention the husband besides to admit he exists?

 

^ this is what caught my attention, too. i head to re-read the post to make sure that the OP wasn't, in fact, single.

 

OP - you should worry about YOUR marriage 1st. as simple as that.

[BaileyB]

I’m not sure if this changes anything for me or not.

 

It wouldn't change anything for me... absolutely no way am I taking on an unfaithful, recently separated man, who is fighting for full custody of his children, with an ex-wife with a drinking problem...

 

I am another who thinks you can't stay "friends" with this man. And, I reread your post three times to try to find the mention of your husband until I realized, it was only in the description of the fact that you are both "married."

[Popsicle]

I had a sometimes physical affair with a work colleague. We are both married and long distance. I ended the physical a while back but we have gradually had more phone contact. Sometimes we talk everyday at work. Sometimes for hours. We mostly got back in touch because I have a legal background and he called saying he was worried about his kids. His wife has a pretty extreme drinking problem. I’ve tried to not get attached and keep in mind that they never actually leave. He called today and said he was leaving his lawyer’s office. His wife is being served in 2 days. I’m spinning. He’s terrified. I tried to be a friend and help him plan some logistics. He is filing for full custody of his two kids and we talked about ways to help them adjust a lot. I’m not sure if this changes anything for me or not. I can’t see not being his friend through this but also don’t want to cause more pain than I have already.

 

Most of the time when someone has a "friend" of the opposite sex that they are talking to about their relationship problems, that "friend" is going to be hating on the disparaged partner and encouraging them to break up with them. That's why they are friends after all!

 

A word to the wise, don't ever tell your opposite sex friend to break up with their wife/gf. And certainly don't assist them in doing so. Stay out of it and mind your own business.

 

You're married and can't even be with him.

[stillafool]

OP, don't count on MM leaving his alcoholic wife. For some reason alcoholic women always seem to pull the man back to them. Men have a hard time leaving them.

[Vivir]

Conflictedlou,

 

The overall consensus is that when the friendship boundary is crossed, people cease being friends. I have struggled greatly with this, as you seem to be struggling with it now.

 

It is highly likely that you two are not friends, you all are involved in an emotional affair now that the physical has been eliminated. This is mostly because your "friendship" is secret, you're likely both sexually attracted to each other, and cannot tell your spouses of the true nature of your relationship...

 

This married man may not be aware of what he is doing, but bouncing ideas off of you and gaining and maintaining your sympathies and getting your suggestions about how to proceed with his marriage and family seem like friendship under normal circumstances but in this case, it screams that he is seeking an arm chair therapist, emotional airbag... and perhaps some (sympathy) sex - if that can be thrown into the mix at a later time... As everyone has pretty much said, you're married and it is highly inappropriate for him to seek these things from a married woman.

 

Furthermore, this man has a lawyer who has been hired to counsel and advocate for him specifically - not generally. So, although you have a legal background, his lawyer is much better equipped to speak to these fears MM has or his legal questions, etc.

Edited March 6, 2018 by Vivir

[Bufo]

His lawyer will probably advise him to stop all contact with you due to a custody battle. I don’t know where he is living so I cannot even guess whether infidelity has bearing on custody legally. But infidelity can do nothing to help his case.

 

Due to custody battle his wife will probably become much more interested in her husband’s habits. And start investigating.

 

Don’t take this personally, but you should prepare for him to do a rapid disappearing act. At least for the foreseeable future.

 

Nothing is easy.

[Conflictedlou]

Man why do they almost never mention the husband besides to admit he exists? I sometimes find myself hoping the husband is a monster sp that in some small way at least he deserves being cheated on.

 

You WILL be back in a PA as long as your friends with him. You are still in an affair and you know it. Respect your husband. Stop talking with this guy.

 

Could you please talk about your relationship with HUBBY? I know it's probably a pain in the butt and a waste of time for you but it helps us understand a little more.

 

The only reason this affair isn't physical right now is because it's long distance. Grow up girl. Put your big girl panties on and decide one way or another. You can't have your husband and this guy. It's selfish and not even healthy for you as well.

 

You need to decide. One or the other. You can not stay "friends" with 5his guy while married. You have to go NC. If your marriage is garbage then divorce your husband and do what you want. As it is your disrespecting your husband ,family and most importantly yourself. Your are slapping labels on your own back I'm sure you don't want to be labeled as.

 

 

Husband not a monster. He doesn't deserve it. He's a wonderful friend and partner to me in raising our kiddos. I don't talk about it much because it is LONG and SAD. Like we saw a marriage therapist once and she was almost crying.

 

 

Short version is he suffered a severe traumatic brain injury and barely survived several years ago. He is a different person now. Still a great dad but we are friends now. The personality changes and the stress of everything we went through (he was in a coma, then eventually I fed him and managed his ventilator at home, etc.). We have been married 17 years and over about 8-10 years he recovered to where someone who does not know him well would take a while to detect his issues. He relearned how to read, write, walk, everything. I was with him every step of the way. I took years off from law school as really he needed pretty full time care. Then I realized I really needed to go back to avoid my kids being in poverty forever. I worked FT and graduated (finally). He continued to recover. We were basically friends at this point as our relationship just changed and his personality changed.

 

 

Then he cheated on me. Just once. I have never felt the same even level of friendship although I do believe he hasn't cheated again. We talk about if we should split a good deal. We both really love the day to day of our life and our wonderful kids. When he cheated, we separated and he was still over all the time. I didn't believe in keeping him from his kids and he was always visiting. We like each other and sometimes I hate that it is not enough for me. Sometimes the pressure of caring for all of us feels like it will completely crush me.

 

 

Anyway, that is about my husband and my marriage. But I want to be clear I don't think he deserves it. Neither of us deserve a lot of what we have been through, but I understand I can only control some of it.

 

 

He knows about the PA. He knows we are back in touch. I can tell he doesn't like the ongoing friendship but he says he would be fine with casual sex. I think it's possible he would. I'm not going to do that. He does not know the extent to which we are in contact but he does know.

[Conflictedlou]

^ this is what caught my attention, too. i head to re-read the post to make sure that the OP wasn't, in fact, single.

 

OP - you should worry about YOUR marriage 1st. as simple as that.

 

 

 

Yes the feedback that I barely mentioned my husband is noted. I didn't realize how little I mentioned him. I did explain a bunch above and I generally avoid talking about "us" because long and sad and most people in real life say stupid things in response to hearing the story. People that know us I think admire what we have together but it is primarily companionship (at least for me). No one that knows me or him would think that I don't think about him.

[Conflictedlou]

It wouldn't change anything for me... absolutely no way am I taking on an unfaithful, recently separated man, who is fighting for full custody of his children, with an ex-wife with a drinking problem...

 

I am another who thinks you can't stay "friends" with this man. And, I reread your post three times to try to find the mention of your husband until I realized, it was only in the description of the fact that you are both "married."

 

 

 

This made me laugh pretty hard and you raise good points about my friend's baggage. I truly can't imagine not being his friend but I really am trying to think that through and listen.

[Conflictedlou]

OP, don't count on MM leaving his alcoholic wife. For some reason alcoholic women always seem to pull the man back to them. Men have a hard time leaving them.

 

 

 

Always would have agreed with that but home surveillance recently caught her drinking and driving with his baby and I think all bets are off. He stayed for the first two rehab stints but I think now that he has a ticket to potential full custody he will take it. He would have stayed forever if she didn't put their kid at risk. It was like a light switch flipped. I've known him for years and never seen him like this.

[Conflictedlou]

Most of the time when someone has a "friend" of the opposite sex that they are talking to about their relationship problems, that "friend" is going to be hating on the disparaged partner and encouraging them to break up with them. That's why they are friends after all!

 

A word to the wise, don't ever tell your opposite sex friend to break up with their wife/gf. And certainly don't assist them in doing so. Stay out of it and mind your own business.

 

You're married and can't even be with him.

 

 

 

I don't know I have several close male friends and we don't try to get each other to leave our marriages. I don't think I have tried to get him to leave but I have answered questions so I definitely haven't stayed out of it. I mean I do think he should protect his kids by getting custody. You are right; I'm too invested. On some level I do get it.

[Conflictedlou]

His lawyer will probably advise him to stop all contact with you due to a custody battle. I don’t know where he is living so I cannot even guess whether infidelity has bearing on custody legally. But infidelity can do nothing to help his case.

 

Due to custody battle his wife will probably become much more interested in her husband’s habits. And start investigating.

 

Don’t take this personally, but you should prepare for him to do a rapid disappearing act. At least for the foreseeable future.

 

Nothing is easy.

 

 

 

I was prepared and expected he might cut contact. But I just spoke to his lawyer because he wanted her to get my opinion (from his lawyer friend who he trusts in another state). Adultery is admissible in his state. They are so old school. His lawyer basically told him it is his ass if it can be proven. I really don't think it can be proven. Wife will have a brutally short window of opportunity as service is only a few days before a hearing for a temporary order. He is requesting that she be removed from the home. His motion for an expedited hearing was granted this afternoon and the hearing is scheduled for next Thursday. I'm not sure when she will be served. Between being hit with this type of motion and being drunk everyday, I don't think there will be much high level investigating. I could be wrong, of course, but we haven't seen each other in months and she doesn't know I exist. I just can't think of anything she could find even if she was sober and had lots of time.

[FMW]

Sometimes the real story can be more complicated than it appears at first glance! The trend here is to make everyone's story the same. Although the basics are the same in an affair, there are definitely differences in motivations and circumstances. But the outcome is more often than not the same.

 

I would just suggest for your own well-being to keep some distance right now. You don't want to be "discovered" and become a player in his drama, nor do you want to have any active part in him ending his marriage. Whatever happens in the future, right now he needs to deal with his marriage without your input.

[Adotta]

I respect you for telling your husband. I'm sorry for being harsh. I just wanted to rattle you cage a bit.

 

You relationship with your husband sounds very complicated. Just please try to show him respect and not lie to him going foward. The lies can destroy just about anyone. It really even worse then sleeping with someone else.

 

I don't know about this om but I would recomend not getting involved untill this situation is settled.